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2 Broke Girls

Caroline: And she said her managerll be in at 11:00. So I thought Id Chanel it up, walk on over there, introduce myself and your fabulous cupcakes with our new sexy men.
2 Broke Girls sex
Caroline: Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, theyd be like, What you cryin about, C-line? Look at you, girl, youre fierce, you got your glam on!
2 Broke Girls friends
Max: Replace the word like with the word Hitler and youve got the three worst things in history.
2 Broke Girls history
Max: What?! No way! No way! Is this Narnia? Im about to say something I swore Id never say. OMG! Again, OMG! Its lame, but nothing else really nails it. This is the room that OMG was born for.
2 Broke Girls real
Kay Jean: Hola, dudarinos. Laundromats closing early. Weve rented it out for our 80s pop-up disco party. Bobby.
2 Broke Girls art
Max: Shouldnt it be called an 80s pop-up lame hipster will do anything to be ironic and lame party?
2 Broke Girls art
Max: Come on, Chestnut, go poo-poo near the hipsters. Hey, how cool would it be if we could get Chess to go poo on a hipster?
2 Broke Girls
Caroline: How can all of those people have $75 just to dance at a laundromat? Ive been doing my roots with white-out.
2 Broke Girls people
Max: Hipsters in Williamsburg will pay for anything if it makes them feel like theyre in on something new no one else knows about. All you needs a gimmick.
2 Broke Girls you
Caroline: Thats crazy. Whats so hard about going up to Peach and saying, Good afternoon, Peach. Exciting news I started a cupcake business. Heres our card. Please pass them out to all your friends and help us launch our exciting new business venture. Thank you.
2 Broke Girls art
Max: That sounds needy, like when someone asks you to come to their one-woman show. Somebody date-raped me, and I didnt think Id live through it, but I did, and now Im stronger, and, uh, still needy.
2 Broke Girls man
Caroline: Yes, Im selfish, and youre Dexter. So, quick help me take down the napkins. Oh, God, there are so many! How come I never noticed how many there were before?
2 Broke Girls god
Max: Sister, you may think that sex is the last thing on your mind, but you turned your bed into a vagina.
2 Broke Girls sex
Max: Okay, but I still have to make the cupcakes to bring by that place tomorrow. I dont wanna keep you awake, so why dont you sleep in my bed tonight and Ill pass out on your vagina?
2 Broke Girls sleep
Serena: All right, lets go around and introduce ourselves and tell us why you came tonight. Lets start with the cute guys.
2 Broke Girls art
Steve: Im Steve, I thought this would be a fun idea for my bachelor party. Im getting married to Michael right there.
2 Broke Girls art
Max: Look, hes never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Heres how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig.
2 Broke Girls people
Oleg: Max, you look like a lady. Tonight when I dream of having sex with you, as always, this time I will ask you to stay.
2 Broke Girls time
Max: There is a fresh, white billboard. Im climbing it with my friend, and were putting up his artwork.
2 Broke Girls art
Max: Itll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.
2 Broke Girls wit
Mary: Hi. I couldnt help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. Thats my absolute favorite Christmas movie.
2 Broke Girls men
Max: You think those are six hipsters? Okay, lets go over this one more time. Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?
2 Broke Girls time
Han: Dont forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. Its all about the fans.
2 Broke Girls men
Max: Yeah, Im not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, whats happening right now—not a fan.
2 Broke Girls people
Han: Max, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps well pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude.
2 Broke Girls business
Max: Theres only one tool that can change my tude, but Im gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break.
2 Broke Girls change
Max: Relax, I only use it when Im tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.
2 Broke Girls secret
Max: Ive no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha. In fact, they should rename shame keshame. I just bought a Ke$ha album, Im so keshamed.
2 Broke Girls shame
Max: Poor people, yes. Like us. People who stand at the cash register and say things like, Wow, $70? That seems like a lot.
2 Broke Girls people
Caroline: Thank you, I would be a terrible hooker. I have a heart, and soul, and dreams, and wanna fall in love and have a family.
2 Broke Girls love
Oleg: Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victorias Secret angel. Id like to Gisele on your Bündchens.
2 Broke Girls you
Max: What, electrocuted? This is silly. If Im gonna suck on something this hard and get no pleasure out of it, I should just date.
2 Broke Girls pleasure
Caroline: Max, seriously, dont mess with my hand sanitizer. Ive already caught poverty this year and I refuse to catch the flu.
2 Broke Girls poverty
Max: Stop now. This is like when you tell Earl youre practically black. Well just get our money and go.
2 Broke Girls money
Esther Rachael: Take our money and go? What are we, barbarians? Stay and celebrate a little! But, out here in the kitchen, away from the men. Sit, eat, come!
2 Broke Girls money
Max: Dude, you and the webmaster have been talking business every day for a week. Is something going on there? Shouldnt the web be mastered by now?
2 Broke Girls business
Max: All right, but its costing us $200. Might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo? Looks like he might have a big ol hard drive with a lot of RAM.
2 Broke Girls ya
Caroline: Yeah, hes cute, but I dont want a relationship right now. And I dont do one-night stands.
2 Broke Girls relationship
Caroline: Thats not me—the next morning, doing the walk of shame. I always see those girls with their messed-up sex hair, carrying their heels, clutching their coats to hide last nights outfit.
2 Broke Girls sex
Max: Well, I should hope so. If you cant get a dude in prison to check you out, its time for a makeover.
2 Broke Girls hope
Max: I dont know, my dealer, my other dealer? That guy who always asks if I know where my dealer is?
2 Broke Girls
Oleg: Your upstairs neighbor Sophie is allowing me to have sex with her. And I came down to borrow some sensual oils. Preferably, ones that you can eat.
2 Broke Girls sex
Michael: We love it. Its all about a young blonde woman whos out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family.
2 Broke Girls love
Caroline: Mr. Hutchinson, this is my friend, Max. Max, this is Leo Hutchinson, one of my fathers attorneys.
2 Broke Girls father
Max: Oh, Ive never known a lawyer who wasnt court-appointed for me. Well, except for the ones on Law & Order. Have you ever been on that show?
2 Broke Girls law
Max: You look like someone who was on that show. Are you sure you didnt represent the woman who ate her child?
2 Broke Girls man
Leo: Ive never represented anyone who ate their child on Law & Order. Caroline, Im sorry to drag you into this, but the prosecutor is asking for you to give a deposition regarding your fathers case.
2 Broke Girls law
Max: Anything I can do to help? Im pretty courtroom savvy. I mean, I havent seen every episode of Law & Order, just, like, 400 of them.
2 Broke Girls law
Caroline: Great. There were onions in my street meat. Listen to me. Onions in my street meat. Last year, I was taking meetings on Wall Street. This year, Im eating meat from the street by a wall.
2 Broke Girls great
Caroline: Before I forget, I printed up more of our cupcake business cards so we can hand them out tomorrow at the Williamsburg crafts fair.
2 Broke Girls business
Max: Ooh, cant wait. Me and you handing out free cupcakes, stuck between hipsters selling crochet iPad sleeves and Salt-n-Pepa salt and pepper shakers.
2 Broke Girls you
Caroline: Were not just giving them away for free. Its marketing. One person eats it and spreads it around to their friends.
2 Broke Girls friends
Caroline: I made a call to a connection I know and got us a real cupcake job. And its in Manhattan. Its the first birthday party for the son of a socialite. 60 cupcakes with buttercream frosting. Up top!
2 Broke Girls art
Caroline: This is not the response I was expecting from my business partner. I was expecting, Wooo! Awesome job! Thumbs up, buddy!
2 Broke Girls art
Max: Why? Is your business partner on a show on Nickelodeon? Look, I dont do buttercream. Buttercream is a bitch. If it doesnt stay refrigerated, it falls apart as fast as a two-celebrity marriage.
2 Broke Girls art
Max: Yup. Thats how people are here in the present where we live. But dont get me wrong, Id like to go back in time, too. Maybe stop 9/11 or that creep who had sex on my shoe, but I cant.
2 Broke Girls time
Max: Oh, stop, or Im gonna have to shoot you with a Smith & Wesson Im currently packing in my bloomers.
2 Broke Girls you
Max: Then theres a good chance I spit in your drink. Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding.
2 Broke Girls man
Caroline: What are we gonna do with our dresses? We cant leave them out here. I need them inside. I have to look amazing when I meet Martha Stewart.
2 Broke Girls war
Max: What does it matter what were wearing? Were still gonna be the two crazy girls chasing her down with a cupcake.
2 Broke Girls sin
Martha Stewart: I like your entrepreneurial drive. And, uh, I have a feeling that its actually the only way Im gonna get out of here alive.
2 Broke Girls war
Max: Yeah, it sounds like a good idea until you walk past a bunch of Girl Scouts selling their cookies on the street.
2 Broke Girls past
Caroline: Max, have you seen my phone? I wanna take a picture of this bad tip and put it on Instagram. Getting loose change used to be so depressing, but now I can share it with strangers.
2 Broke Girls change
Caroline: I dont like this movie, its violence against women. Lets go see that Katherine Heigl rom-com sequel.
2 Broke Girls women
Max: Probably not, no one ever takes a bullet. Its just something people say that they dont mean, like How was your day? or Well stop if it hurts.
2 Broke Girls people
Max: Okay, stop. On every reality show, people say lame things that we can never say. No fist bumping, no high fives. You cant tell me to bring it, shut it down, or put our cupcake business on the map. You cant tell me to go, girl or bring my A game, and we dont got this. Cool?
2 Broke Girls people
Max: Let me explain: Im not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife.
2 Broke Girls time
Caroline: Or you can go for him. Lets think about this. Hes clean and not a drug addict, so hes more my type.
2 Broke Girls you
Max: You didnt destroy anything. And its good to let him know right off the bat that you have a gag reflex.
2 Broke Girls good
Max: No, do you? Look, just know youre gonna struggle for a while. Someones gonna ask you what time it is, and when you look at your watch, hes gonna put his penis on you. But like Dan Savage says, it gets better. Although it hasnt for me, so maybe that only applies to questioning teens. In short, theres really no point to anything, but sometimes, you get to eat candy or have sex, and thats when it all feels right.
2 Broke Girls time
Max: Thats the greatest thing Ive ever seen! Take a picture of me over here. I finally have a reason to join Instagram! People are gonna be like, Food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, murder?!
2 Broke Girls people
Ms. Shayne: Yes, I know, that was your one plus, but under family history, you put drinking and secrets.
2 Broke Girls history
Han: Caroline is late again. And she better not use your new cupcake shop as an excuse this time, cause sista, that crap aint gonna fly.
2 Broke Girls time
Max: See, this is why I didnt tell you sooner, youre a control freak. And for the record, these guys have all had contact with my business.
2 Broke Girls business
Max: Uh, yeah! Thats what success is for, to say suck it to people who dumped you. See my blown-out hair? Suck it! See my cool cupcake shop? Suck it! See these in this blouse? You wish you could suck it.
2 Broke Girls success
Robbie: Im an alcoholic now, and I did a lot of stuff that wasnt cool, and I came here because the program says that I have to make almonds.
2 Broke Girls alcohol
Max: Well, this just went from suck it to it sucks, so lift up your shirt. I gotta get something out of tonight.
2 Broke Girls night
Andy: No. I dont have any of the heps. Wow. Now, telling her Im in love with her is just gonna sound boring.
2 Broke Girls love
Caroline: But Ive been too preoccupied with work, like Sandra Bullock in The Proposal. So he was gonna tell me at the ice rink? The one in Central Park?
2 Broke Girls work
Max: Because when it comes to other peoples creepy love stuff, thats when Im a silent partner. And you need to stop with this creepy rom-com stuff, life isnt like a movie. Sometimes youre not a success right away. Sometimes you have to just eat it and be a cupcake. And sometimes you have to take your I love you whichever way it comes.
2 Broke Girls love
Caroline: You are so right. I dont have to wait for the moment to be perfect, like it was for Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. My lifes not a romantic comedy, I can do it my own way. Like Julia Roberts in My Best Friends Wedding.
2 Broke Girls life
Max: Ive never won anything in my life! Except for that time I got stoned and accidentally won that hot dog-eating contest!
2 Broke Girls life
Earl: Actually, I put your card in, and I took a few out. I figured you girls could use a vacation. You girls been working harder than my liver on payday.
2 Broke Girls work
Max: Yeah, I always wave at him. He didnt die just because you stopped letting him touch your boobies.
2 Broke Girls you
Caroline: Max, I just hung up from a very panicked phone call, and youll never believe what happened.
2 Broke Girls believe
Caroline: You actually think a guy that you dont even remember called to tell me that you have super gonorrhea?
2 Broke Girls you
Caroline: Its not super gonorrhea, but it is super bad news. This woman just called to confirm her order for 1,000 cupcakes for tomorrow. Ive been so tired, I completely forgot.
2 Broke Girls man
Max: Well, my wish is that you give my friend her money back, and my dream is that Im a backup dancer for Missy Elliott.
2 Broke Girls money
Max: Youre having a sex change? I totally support you, but be careful, Han—female-to-male is very tricky.
2 Broke Girls change
Han: Now, heres my big decision. Were moving from those icky glass ketchup bottles to modern, new squeeze bottles.
2 Broke Girls decision
Hipster: Dude, you should come to the 90s trivia contest every Monday at the Bar Bar. You could win, like, big money.
2 Broke Girls money
Max: Yeah, and then I could pay for the lobotomy Id need to forget that I ever participated in a hipster contest in a bar.
2 Broke Girls art
Caroline: How are we gonna get 1,000 extra dollars by Monday? Wait, Max, we can go to that bar and exploit your special gifts.
2 Broke Girls you
Caroline: Max, I know weve borrowed from everyone we know, but Im so convinced that this is the right thing that Im willing to stoop to something I never thought Id do.
2 Broke Girls thought
Max: Look, youre sweet, youre adorable, but youre way too bony to bring in more than 40 a night. And even if you got an animal sidekick, its still not gonna get us there.
2 Broke Girls night
Caroline: We can make an appointment, go into the city, and ask my Aunt Charity for the money. Shes president of a cosmetic empire and shes filthy rich.
2 Broke Girls money
Max: Thats what family is—people who hate you, but cant kill you cause theyre the first ones questioned.
2 Broke Girls people
Caroline: Max, think about it. It comes with health care. You wouldnt have to decide between birth control pills and morning-after pills!
2 Broke Girls health
Max: Lots of things blow up in your face, its part of being a woman. You just towel off and keep going.
2 Broke Girls art
Caroline: You know what? Ill do it. But Im very recently out of work, so Im gonna have to charge you.
2 Broke Girls work

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