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All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979

Mike Stivic: Why couldnt they say Buddha, bless you in Chinese?Archie Bunker: Because they dont say that, thats why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, its Sayonara.Mike Stivic: Thats Japanese.Archie Bunker: Same thing.Mike Stivic: Its not the same thing!Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which?Mike Stivic: Thats right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.Archie Bunker: Sure you talk to them. You say, Which one of you guys is the Chink?Mike Stivic: [yells] I dont believe this. Hes making me crazy!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 believe
[repeated line]Archie Bunker: Get out of my chair, Meathead!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Mike Stivic: Were going to see something you know nothing about: culture.[Shows him the art exhibit book]Archie Bunker: Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder hes getting himself so excited, its one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.Mike Stivic: Thats Pollock. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.Archie Bunker: Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There aint a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.Mike Stivic: Id explain it to you, Arch, but first youd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.Archie Bunker: Why dont you go take a short walk on a long pier?Mike Stivic: Ha, you cant even get that right! Its take a long walk off a short pier.Archie Bunker: Then do that.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 art
Mike Stivic: I just thank God Im an atheist.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 god
Archie: Wheres my grandson?Mike Stivic: Hes asleep.Archie: Well wake him up.Mike Stivic: Hes tired.Archie: But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bath tub or on the pot.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 time
Gloria: You know, pizzas actually not from Italy. I read that Marco Polo discovered it in China and then brought it back to Italy.Archie: Leave it to a dago to go halfway around the world to get a take-home meal.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 world
Mike Stivic: In todays society, people throw things out because they dont work.Archie Bunker: Well you dont work, maybe we should throw you out.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 people
Gloria: Do you know that sixty percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns?Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 death
[Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right]Archie: What are you doing?Edith: I thought you might like it on this side for a change.Archie: Is it gonna taste better on this side?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 change
Archie Bunker: Go out and get me a beer.Edith: Can or bottle?Archie: We never buy bottles.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Edith Bunker: What are you fighting about?Mike Stivic: The Star-Spangled Banner.Edith Bunker: Did the singer forget the words again?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 words
Mike Stivic: What were you saying about colored families having no love?Archie Bunker: Why is it you can remember everything except how to work?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 love
Archie Bunker: Say there, Rosemarie.Stephanie: Stephanie.Archie Bunker: Whatever.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 hate
[Door bell rings]Edith Bunker: [Running] Ill get it!Archie Bunker: Geez Louise Edith, why do you have to charge the door like a German shepherd every time the bell rings?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 time
[repeated line]Archie Bunker: Waaaaaaait a minute, waaaaaaait a minute, wait!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
George Jefferson: If hes gonna have the last laugh, Im gonna have it first.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 laugh
Archie: Free treatment for VD. VD. Do you know what *that* means, Edith?Edith: oh, yeah. V-D day.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 men
Gloria Stivic: Hi Dad, wheres Ma?Archie Bunker: I dont know, she flew out of here like a dingbat outta Hell.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 hell
[Ediths high school is being torn down to build a grocery store]Edith Bunker: It wont be the same saying I went to school there, while pointing at the A&P.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 school
Archie: God created the universe in seven days.Edith: Six days. On the seventh day he rested.Archie: Well only for a while then He looked over what He done.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 god
Mike Stivic: Ill drive a truck, pump gas, collect garbage.Archie: Bingo. Start collecting the garbage off of the table.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 art
Archie Bunker: His chest is all puffed out like Raquel Walsh.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Archie: You go off and leave me here with nobody home.Edith: Mike was here.Archie: Like I said, nobody was home.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 home
Archie Bunker: I tell ya, Edith, when a plumbers business goes into the toilet youre sitting pretty.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 business
Fred Bunker: [on the phone] Hello, sweetheart, hows my little pussycat?Harry Snowden: You know, you ought to try that.Archie Bunker: You think so?[on the phone with Edith]Archie Bunker: Hello, sweetheart, hows my little pussycat?[pause]Archie Bunker: She hung up the phone.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 art
Edith Bunker: Mike is family.Archie Bunker: Gloria is family. Whats standing behind me is an accident of marriage.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 marriage
Edith Bunker: Remember Sister Kate, Archie?Archie Bunker: That was that dumb movie about nuns starring Ingrid Bernstein.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Archie Bunker: Edith, if you call me Cute one more time, I swear Ill open a vein.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 time
Edith Bunker: Maybe before I come to bed I should put on my socks.Archie Bunker: Maybe before you come to bed you should stick your feet in the oven.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Edith Bunker: Dont ya like me bringin home surprises?Archie Bunker: Geez, Edith... with you a surprise could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 ya
Mike Stivic: Archie, if there *is* a God, how come theres so much unhappiness in the world?Archie Bunker: If there is a God how come theres so much unhappiness in the world? Uh... uh... hey, Edith... If there *is* a God, how come theres so much unhappiness in the world?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 happiness
Gloria: Oh, Daddy. Youd put ketchup on a doughnut.Archie Bunker: If it needed it.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Archie Bunker: Like the Good Book says, Let him who is without sin... be the rollin stone.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 book
[repeated line]Archie Bunker: You know somethin, Edith? Youre a pip. You know that? A real pip.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
[repeated line]Archie Bunker: The Reverend Fletcher...Edith Bunker: Felcher.Archie Bunker: WHATEVER.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 hate
[repeated line]Archie Bunker: Get away from me!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
[repeated line]Archie Bunker: Case CLOSED!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Mike Stivic: You know, you are totally incomprehensible.Archie Bunker: Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Archie Bunker: Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 hell
Archie Bunker: You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 man
Archie: Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 death
Archie Bunker: I got bigger fish to fly.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Gloria Stivic: Daddy, what I dont understand is how can the Duke be alive if he threw himself on a grenade?Archie Bunker: Cause it was an Italian grenade. It was a dud like everything else them Pasta-Fazoos made.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 past
Archie Bunker: What she done was wrong and she gotta be punished. For the next two weeks, no out after school. No out at all. If you find yourself having fun at something, stop it. And no delicious foods for three weeks. You only gotta eat the terrible foods that are good for you. And then no TV for a week. And the next week, and this is gonna be tougher: educational TV only.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 education
Archie: Your honor, may I encroach the bench?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 honor
[repeated line]Archie: Button your face.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Archie Bunker: In my bed I stay, til death us do part.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 death
Archie Bunker: A man should always listen to his wife.Edith Bunker: Archie, I...Archie Bunker: Dummy up.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 man
Edith: Why dont you go out and finish dinner.Mike Stivic: Nah, I aint hungry.Edith: Ya cant depend on nothing no more.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 ya
Edith Bunker: Im home. Im home, Archie.Archie Bunker: Are you sure?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 home
Archie Bunker: Silence is golden, so stifle thy self.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 self
Archie Bunker: You gotta grab the bull by the corns.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Mike Stivic: You eat my heart out. Little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out.Archie Bunker: I dont care.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 art
Archie Bunker: [commenting on a womans perfume] It infiltrates the nosetrils.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 men
Archie Bunker: [telling the story of Samson] He took a jawbone from the grass and slew the Palestine army.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 story
Archie Bunker: We was like two ships that clashed in the night.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 night
Archie Bunker: Youd better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo. Youre getting a cavity in your brain.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 art
Archie Bunker: She aint gonna saying nothing more because the smoke has given her an attack of, what do you call, laryngosis.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Archie Bunker: God can do anything! He can turn your jawbone into an ass!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 god
Archie Bunker: God dont make no mistakes, thats how He got to be God.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 god
Archie Bunker: Youre a regular Edgar Allen Polack.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Edith: What has four legs, and flys?Archie Bunker: Two pairs of pants!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Mike Stivic: You cant do that, Archie! Thats largesse!Archie Bunker: I dont care if its largesse, smallesse or any kind of esse!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you
Edith Bunker: [Archies in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin out?Archie Bunker: Why, ya sellin the house?Edith Bunker: Youve been in there for 20 minutes.Archie Bunker: Who are you? The official time-keeper?Edith Bunker: What are ya doin in there?Archie Bunker: Im changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I aint never comin out!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 time
Mike Stivic: Thats whats wrong with this country; nobody asks questions any more!Archie Bunker: Can I ask *you* a question?Mike Stivic: Sure.Archie Bunker: Why dont you shut up?
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 body
[repeated line]Archie Bunker: Dummy up, dummy up!
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979
Edith Bunker: We should take you to the doctor.Archie Bunker: No, Ive already had one attempted robbery today.
— All in the Family TV Series 1971–1979 you

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