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American Pie 2 2001

Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.Jim: What are you doing?Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.[hands Jim the dildo]Jim: Where did you get this?Stifler: Finchs ass.
— American Pie 2 2001 art
[during drive to lake]Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeisters coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. Its Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
— American Pie 2 2001 time
Jims Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.Jims Dad: Oh... oh...Wheelchair Lady: [looking at Pussy Palace] Son, couldnt you have left that disgusting thing at home?Jims Dad: Excuse me?Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.Jims Dad: Ohh, well were sorry, but uh, but you see my son COULDNT leave it at home because uhh, hes having a bit of a MEDICAL EMERGENCY?Jim: Thats right. Thanks Dad.Jims Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? Its at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesnt mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?
— American Pie 2 2001 war
Michelles Friend: You are so sweet. He *is* special.Michelle: Hes my bitch.
— American Pie 2 2001 hell
Michelle: Now dont freak out Im gonna do something to push your threshold.Jim: Ow thats cold. What is that?Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Arent instruments fun?
— American Pie 2 2001 men
[last lines]Finch: Oh, Jeanine, Jeanine!Stiflers Mom: Call me Stiflers Mom.Finch: [orgasmic noise] STIFLERS MO-O-O - OM!
— American Pie 2 2001
Michelle: [from a deleted scene] Its just like this one time at band camp.Jim: Ah, Michelle Ive been to band camp, its not all what its cracked up to be.
— American Pie 2 2001 time
Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer Ill get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I dont want them to be.
— American Pie 2 2001 time
Jims Dad: [to Natalies Dad] Hi, Im Jims Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didnt get your daughters name, but hopefully my son did.
— American Pie 2 2001 hope
[Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when hes actually being urinated on from the balcony]Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.
— American Pie 2 2001 think
[talking to a picture of Stiflers Mom ]Finch: How did you do that magic you did?
— American Pie 2 2001 magic
Jim: Was I any good that night?Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didnt know what the hell you were doing. But wasnt it fun even though you were so terrible?Jim: Im sorry, terrible?Michelle: Ive had worse.Jim: Oh.Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.
— American Pie 2 2001 good
[Talking to Vicky while shes hanging clothes back up on the racks at work]Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls hes hooked up with, its not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying its been three girls its more like one or none.Vicky: None?Jessica: The rule of three. Its an exact science. Consistent as gravity.
— American Pie 2 2001 science
Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.Stifler: Jim, youre the only guy I know whos dick needs an instruction manual.
— American Pie 2 2001 pain
Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, youll like it.
— American Pie 2 2001 you
Little Boy: [into walky-talky] Red leader, whats your position?Stifler: [on walky-talky] Im touchin his ass, Im touchin his ass, Im touchin his ass, Im touchin his ass...Little Boy: Mommy!
— American Pie 2 2001 you
Stifler: Jim. Cant you keep your shirt on? Youre scaring the chicks away.
— American Pie 2 2001 you
Jims Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who havent forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. Were awful proud of you son.Jim: Thanks, Dad.Jims Dad: Dont forget your penis cream.
— American Pie 2 2001 people
Heather: [Interrupted during phone call] Hey, Marco, could you get your balls off me?[talking about soccer balls]Oz: Hey, what the hecks goin on over there?Heather: Oh, those are just my flat-mates.
— American Pie 2 2001 you
Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.Jim: Im not retarded, Im a very special boy.[Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]
— American Pie 2 2001 you
Michelle: Holy Potatoes.
— American Pie 2 2001 hell
Jim: Nadia, please dont take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as Im really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.Nadia: You... you want the band geek?Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.
— American Pie 2 2001 man
Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all Im going to be able to give her is rump roast.Oz: What are you so worried about? Youve had experience since Nadia.Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom.
— American Pie 2 2001 experience
Jims Dad: Keep it real homies.
— American Pie 2 2001 real
Jim: Thats a lot of flutes.
— American Pie 2 2001
Stifler: Youre a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and Im not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.Oz: Heres a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you dont bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.Stifler: Heres a new idea for you. Ill get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
— American Pie 2 2001 time
Stifler: Theres little hearts on her panties. Theres little hearts on her panties.
— American Pie 2 2001 art
Michelle: Okay, pretend Im a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?Jim: I want to feel your boobs.Michelle: No, you dingbat. You dont just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.
— American Pie 2 2001 hell
[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]Jim: Which room, man? Which room?Stifler: I cant remember shit, man, I was too excited! Im in a lesbian stronghold.
— American Pie 2 2001 man
Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.
— American Pie 2 2001 fun
[Noticing the womens natural attraction to Oz]Jim: Amazing.Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.
— American Pie 2 2001 women
Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.
— American Pie 2 2001 time
[Stiflers brother shows off two girls he picked up]Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians.[scoffs]Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.Danielle: Lesbians?Amber: We never said that.Stifler: What?Amber: We never said that.Stifler: Oh... Oh, man. I will do anything... ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? Ill grab every guys ass in this room. Ill caress it even. Ill even shave some ass if they need it![sounds of revulsion from young men at party]Stifler: Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!
— American Pie 2 2001 art
[Jims Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia]Jims Dad: Ah, yes. The one that got away.Jim: Yeah.Jims Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didnt see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.
— American Pie 2 2001 you
Stifler: I got peed on!
— American Pie 2 2001
[the two lesbians are making the guys give each other hand jobs]Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.[starts undoing his shorts]Stifler: I have to keep this party going. Im taking one for the team.[Finch and Jim run away]Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.Stifler: Whats wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why cant you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.
— American Pie 2 2001 art
Stifler: [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stifflers palace of love... STRAIGHT love.
— American Pie 2 2001 love
[Jim is kissing Michelles collar bone]Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, youre making me wet.Jim: Holy shit, really?Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.Jim: course.
— American Pie 2 2001 good
Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.Michelle: Oh. Gilligans Island, Mr. Howell.Jim: Eh, what?Michelle: Youve gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I havent even touched you yet and youre turning into the Sears Tower.
— American Pie 2 2001 sex
Stiflers brother: STEVE. Those are my lesbians.
— American Pie 2 2001
Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby. Why dont you tell me my dick is as big as Stiflers.Oz: Stifler get off.Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.
— American Pie 2 2001 you
Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim.
— American Pie 2 2001 god
[over the radio]Stiflers brother: Steve the copwatch thing is horse shit. Man this sucks.Danielle: Who is it out there?Stiflers brother: Its the Stifmeister baby.Amber: Is that so?
— American Pie 2 2001 man
Jim: That counted.Stifler: That totally counted.Danielle: Thats the way to kiss your mother.Stifler: [to Finch] DONT YOU SAY ANYTHING.
— American Pie 2 2001 kiss
Michelle: This one time... um, here.
— American Pie 2 2001 time
Jim: What are you doing here?Stiflers Brother: Pussy man, Im here for the pussy.Jim: Take a number.
— American Pie 2 2001 man
Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came. And then the bear had to be destroyed. Which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.
— American Pie 2 2001 time
Danielle: [Jim has Ambers dildo while under the bed] Johnny West is missing.
— American Pie 2 2001 sin
Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!
— American Pie 2 2001 self
Finch: Go FishKevin: Finch, were playing gin!Finch: Oh, well... gin
— American Pie 2 2001 play
Stifler: Who the hell was that?Oz: That was uh... that was...Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.Kevin: YeahOz: Yeah, turned around.Stifler: What a dumbass, the lakes right there.
— American Pie 2 2001 hell
Mom: Come on honey, foods ready.Dad: [listening to girls on walkie talkie] Im not hungry!
— American Pie 2 2001 food
John: Dude, am I gonna have a hangover? Because, I want one.
— American Pie 2 2001 want
Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.
— American Pie 2 2001 self
Stifler: [regarding Oz] The force is strong with that one.
— American Pie 2 2001 wit

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