Andy Rooney

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”, here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

— andy rooney women

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, its not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?, heres an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

— andy rooney women

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can’t eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as ’progress’, doesn’t spread.

— andy rooney men

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

— andy rooney smile

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

— andy rooney age

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books — how not to eat what youve just learned how to cook.

— andy rooney books

Vegetarian thats an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

— andy rooney meaning

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Dont clean it up too quickly.

— Andy Rooney world

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what youve just learned how to cook.

— Andy Rooney books

Ive done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things Ive complained about, I cant complain about my life.

— Andy Rooney life

When a politician mentions God half a dozen times in a speech, its to appropriate for his campaign the name God. Hes suggesting that God has endorsed the ticket and given permission to have His name used in promotional material in exchange for certain considerations, like school prayer. There are lots of cheap tricks used in political campaigns, and evoking Gods name is one of them.

— Andy Rooney god

I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who think they like our country more than I do. Some peoples idea of patriotism is hating other countries.

— Andy Rooney people

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

— Andy Rooney time

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do dont need to be done.

— Andy Rooney need

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

— Andy Rooney people

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

— Andy Rooney good

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they cant think of what they want to say and theyre frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they arent very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

— Andy Rooney art

Taxes are important. President Bushs tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

— Andy Rooney people

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

— Andy Rooney men

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

— Andy Rooney joy

The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever curling means.

— Andy Rooney hate

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you cant eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as progress, doesnt spread.

— Andy Rooney men

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

— Andy Rooney people

The Super Bowl isnt for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

— Andy Rooney time

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

— Andy Rooney age

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

— Andy Rooney men

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

— Andy Rooney joy

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

— Andy Rooney book

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

— Andy Rooney death

Dont rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

— Andy Rooney work

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

— Andy Rooney children

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. Its sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesnt hurt.

— Andy Rooney sex

I didnt get old on purpose, it just happened. If youre lucky, it could happen to you.

— Andy Rooney purpose

I dont pick subjects as much as they pick me.

— Andy Rooney

I dont think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldnt surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

— Andy Rooney men

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you dont return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldnt want that to happen, would you.

— Andy Rooney hope

I like ice hockey, but its a frustrating game to watch. Its hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

— Andy Rooney time

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

— Andy Rooney dogs

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

— Andy Rooney purpose

I dont like food thats too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture Id buy a painting.

— Andy Rooney time

Because over the past few years, more moneyhas been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimers Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts an.

— Andy Rooney people

Anyone who lies golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

— Andy Rooney joy

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

— Andy Rooney truth

Democrats (I think to myself) are liberals who believe the people are basically good, but that they need governmenthelp to organize their lives. They believe in freedom so fervently that they think it should be compulsory. They believe that the poor and ignorant are victims of an unfair system and that their circumstances can be improved if we give them help. Republicans (I think to myself) are conservatives who think it would be best if we faced the fact that people are no damned good. They think that if we admit that we have selfish, acquisitive natures and then.

— Andy Rooney freedom

Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.

— Andy Rooney women

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

— Andy Rooney smile

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

— Andy Rooney life

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, theres a 90% probability youll get it wrong.

— Andy Rooney time

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