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Bad Santa 2003

Willie: You cant drink worth shit.Marcus: I weigh 92 pounds, you dick!
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Willie: You aint gonna shit right for a week!
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Kid: Good night, Santa. Good night, Mrs. Santas sister.
— Bad Santa 2003 good
Willie: [narrating] Ive been to prison once, Ive been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. Ive had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle thats never gonna heal. Ive seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!
— Bad Santa 2003 life
Willie: I said, Next, goddamn it! This is not the DMV!
— Bad Santa 2003 god
Sue: Ive always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didnt notice. Its like some deep-seeded childhood thing.Willie: So is my thing for tits.
— Bad Santa 2003 childhood
Marcus: [Willie, as Santa, is scratching his butt while a line of kids looks on] I dont think you should be digging in your ass.
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Marcus: You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin shit that has every slid from a human beings hairy ass.
— Bad Santa 2003 man
Willie: Why dont you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.
— Bad Santa 2003 you
[last lines]Skateboard Bully: Hey, loser. I hear your buddys not here to protect you any more. See ya got me a new bike. Thanks a lot. Im talking to you, fat-ass.Kid: Aaah![kicks bully in the balls]
— Bad Santa 2003 ya
Kid: Your beards not real.Willie: No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.Kid: How come?Willie: I loved a woman who wasnt clean.Kid: Mrs. Santa?Willie: No it was her sister.
— Bad Santa 2003 love
Gin: Sweet Jews for Jesus!
— Bad Santa 2003 jesus
Willie: OW! Watch the toenails, kid. Shit!
— Bad Santa 2003 will
Willie: Does your daddy have a safe?
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Willie: Does your daddy have a car?
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Watching Boy: [stares at Willie] I saw you at another mall.Willie: Well, Im happy for you.Watching Boy: If you really are Santa, you could do magic.Willie: [whispers] Wanna see some magic? OK, lets watch you disappear![shoves him away]
— Bad Santa 2003 magic
Kid: I wished for a purple elephant, but now I want a pink elephant!Willie: Well, wish in one hand, shit in the other; see which one fills up first.Kid: OK.
— Bad Santa 2003 will
Security Guard: Your pants are awful baggy, you got something in there?Willie: Yea, my dick, you wanna see it?Security Guard: Keep pushing it, I got my eyes on you.
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Gin: Man is a sexual being.
— Bad Santa 2003 sex
[from the unrated cut]Security Guard: You wouldnt be tryin to hide something in those baggy pants of yours, would ya?Willie: Just something to cripple your sister with...
— Bad Santa 2003 ya
Willie: [to Marcus] Why dont you get going? Youll be late for your... Wizard of Oz Candy Bar Guild.Marcus: Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus! Two-year-olds flip me better shit than you.Willie: You saying something to me?Marcus: Yeah, Im gonna stick my whole fist up your ass!Willie: [gives Marcus the finger as he walks away]
— Bad Santa 2003 jesus
[Unrated Version and Directors Cut][after crushing Gin between the two cars]Marcus: Oh, my. What a terrible accident. Mm-mm-mm...
— Bad Santa 2003
Kid: OW... OW... OW... I cut my hand, by mistake OW... OW... OW...
— Bad Santa 2003
Willie: Your name is Thurman Merman?
— Bad Santa 2003 man
[first lines]Willie: Hey, can I get another drink down here?
— Bad Santa 2003 will
Gin: [after seeing a kid has placed a game in his pants] Whats this?Shoplifter: I was going to pay for it.Gin: Wrong answer.
— Bad Santa 2003 wrong
Marcus: You probably shouldnt be digging in your ass.
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Kid: Candy corn?Willie: Well they all cant be winners!
— Bad Santa 2003 will
Gin: You know what I see when I look at you? Americas got a sad future ahead of it.
— Bad Santa 2003 future
Kid: Its a wooden pickle.
— Bad Santa 2003
Marcus: Oh, my. What a darling photo. Are you certain you only want this single? Additional photos come in handy as gifts for grandma and grandpa, or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.[photo of Santa looking down and young girl looking away]Milwaukee Mom with Photo: Gee, you know what? This one, I think its more than enough. Thanks. Merry Christmas...
— Bad Santa 2003 friends
Grandma: Let me fix you some sandwiches...
— Bad Santa 2003 you
Kid: Santa!Willie: Yeah.Kid: Youre bringing my present early?Willie: NoKid: But I never told you what I wanted.Willie: I said I didnt bring it, dipshit.
— Bad Santa 2003 present
Willie: Bet the store dick dont want this.Marcus: Store dick dont want shit. Store dicks dead.
— Bad Santa 2003 dead
Willie: Wish in one hand, shit in the other.
— Bad Santa 2003 will

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