Bill Watterson

Calvin: So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap! First line of the first Calvin and Hobbes strip.Calvin: I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure to have a tiger by now! Calvin's Father: They like tuna fish, huh? Calvin: Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich! Hobbes is eating sandwich and caught upside down in trap Hobbes {talking to himself}: We're kind of stupid that way. ➡

Calvin: Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar? p12 Susie Derkins' first mention by name - she would appear in the strip for the first time the following day ➡

WAP! WAP! WAP! Calvin is hammering nails into a coffee table Calvin's Mom: CALVIN!!! What are you DOING to the coffee table?!?! Calvin: pauses, looks at the table Calvin: Is this some sort of trick question, or what? p. 23 ➡

Hobbes: What's that cereal you're eating? Calvin: It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Have a taste. Hobbes: Thank you. (clutching throat) MFFPBTH!!!!! S-Sw-Sw SWEET!!!!!!!!! Calvin: Actually, they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em. p61 ➡

Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace? Calvin: Too few role models. Calvin: I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, OK? Hobbes: Gotcha. Calvin: GO! (WAP-WAP they shoot each other simultaneously) Kind of a stupid game,isn't it? p62 ➡

Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy...and tell him the awful TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!! Calvin's Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans. p70 ➡

Hobbes: Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Calvin: EIGHTEEN?!? By then I'll know better! p90 ➡

Calvin: Boy, what a day! I went to school, played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. [to his dad] You know what time it is now? Calvin's Dad: Uh, 7:35. Calvin: It's Miller Time. Calvin's Dad: Get back here! p28 ➡

Calvin: Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, Dad? Calvin's Dad: Oh, sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Calvin's Mom: [to Calvin's dad] Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? p29 ➡

Susie: Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? Calvin: I'm still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role, you know. What are you? Susie: I'm "Fat". Calvin: No, I mean in the play. Susie: [punches Calvin] Anyone ELSE want to say it?!? Calvin: Aackk! Understudy! Understudy! p43 ➡

Calvin's Dad: It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV. p100 ➡

Susie {to Calvin}: Talking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. p72 ➡

Calvin's Dad: Go break his little legs, will you, honey? p77 ➡

Susie: I was going to ask you to play House, but I think you'd be a weird example for our children. p36 ➡

Calvin: If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May. p6 ➡

Calvin's Dad: I think "Santa" would rather have a cold beer. p15 ➡

Hobbes: Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. p15 ➡

Calvin's Dad: (spotting Calvin's macabre snowmen) You can always tell when you get to our house. p41 ➡

[Hobbes eating "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" to help Calvin get proof of the purchase seals to get a beanie.] Hobbes: Blechh. I feel sick. Calvin: Oh, c'mon. That's only your second bowl of cereal. Hobbes: This stuff is pure sugar. Calvin: But it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes: Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin: Look, it says right here, "Part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast." Hobbes: And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins... Calvin: (shaking) You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet. p43 ➡

Calvin's Mom: I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble. p76 ➡

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front? p100 ➡

Calvin's Mom: How can kids know so much and still be so dumb? p109 ➡

[Calvin and Hobbes are waiting for the school bus] Calvin: How long have we been waiting for the bus now? Hobbes: (looking at his watch) About two and a half hours. Calvin: I think mom put me out here this early on purpose! p123 ➡

Calvin's Dad: I'm going to the office and get some sleep. p124 ➡

Calvin {as they are walking and come upon some trash in the woods}: I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. p29 (08 Nov 89) ➡

Calvin: Look, Hobbes! My newest invention! Hobbes: Isn't that your transmogrifier? Calvin: It was, but I made some modifications. See, the box is on its side now. It's a duplicator! Hobbes: Ah. Calvin: It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier, so instead of merely making a reproduction on paper, this machine actually creates a real duplicate! Hobbes {happy}: So our financial worries are over? Calvin: And counterfeiting is just one of its many uses around the home! p. 55 ➡

Hobbes: Have you tested your duplicator machine yet? Calvin: I was just about to. You can help. Hobbes: Oh boy! What will we duplicate first? Calvin: Me! Hobbes: You?? Calvin: Yeah! Mom wants me to clean my room, so I'll duplicate myself with this, and let the duplicate do the work! Smart, huh? Hobbes: I can picture the look on your parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Calvin: Twins, heck! This summer I can make a whole baseball team! p. 55 ➡

Calvin: OK Hobbes, press the button and duplicate me. Hobbes: Are you sure this is such a good idea? Calvin: Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions! This is a brilliant idea! Hit the button, will ya? Hobbes: I'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress... here you go. [presses button] ➡

BOINK ➡

Hobbes: Scientific progress goes "boink"? Voice from under the box: It worked! It worked! I'm a genius! Second voice from under the box: No you're not, you liar! I invented this! p. 55 ➡

Calvin's Dad: Numb toes build character. p64 (21 Jan 90) ➡

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957. p76 (28 Feb 90) ➡

Susie: I see you're bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball? Calvin: Yeah, don't remind me. You're lucky that girls don't have to put with this nonsense. If a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine! But if a guy doesn't spend his afternoon chasing some stupid ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy! Susie: On the other hand, boys aren't expected to live their lives twenty pounds underweight. Calvin: And if you don't play sports, you don't get to make beer commercials! p99 ➡

Calvin's Dad: I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here. p8 (20 Jun 90) ➡

Calvin: Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character. p9 (23 Jun 90) ➡

Calvin: It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool. p19 (01 Aug 90) ➡

Hobbes: Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous? p38 (15 Nov 90) ➡

Hobbes: Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them. p52 (14 Oct 90) ➡

Calvin: They say winning isn't everything, and I've decided to take their word for it. p53 (19 Oct 90) ➡

Calvin: In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks. p58 (29 Oct 90) ➡

Calvin: It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. p62 (08 Nov 90) ➡

Calvin's Dad: I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. p68 (23 Nov 90) ➡

Calvin: I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification. p90 (19 Jan 91) ➡

Susie: Uh oh... here comes Calvin - the Incurable Weirdness poster child. p125 (31 Mar 91) ➡

Calvin's Dad: By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "mud." You may rise. p126 (10 Apr 91) ➡

Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met? Calvin: Right. We should take pride in our mediocrity. Hobbes: Remind me to invest overseas. p23 (11 Feb 92) ➡

Calvin: Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. It's hopeless! I'm related to people I don't relate to. p25 (13 Feb 92) ➡

Calvin: [as Spaceman Spiff] Free to roam the heavens in man's noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! p50 (29 Mar 92) ➡

Calvin: Do you believe in the Devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help. Calvin: You just can't talk to animals about these things. p54 (06 Apr 92) ➡

Hobbes: I don't know which is worse...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low. p56 (08 Apr 92) ➡

Susie: The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing. p64 (23 Apr 92) ➡

Calvin: Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life. Calvin: (after a long pause) I can't tell if that's funny or really scary. p64 (19 Apr 92) ➡

Calvin:asked, "whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going?" Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I came from my room, I'm a kid with big plans, and I'm going outside! See ya later! Calvin departs, and his mother is thinking to herself what was said Calvin immediately returns Calvin: Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway? p69 (01 May 92) ➡

Calvin: Our country was founded a long time ago, roughly around 200 B.C. Miss Wormwood: 200 B.C.?! Calvin: "Before Calvin." [Later, wearing a dunce cap] THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT! (16 May 92) ➡

Calvin: When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation. Hobbes: An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Calvin: It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them. p78 (18 May 92) ➡

Calvin: The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest! p79 (17 May 92) ➡

Calvin: You call this news?! This isn't informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately, that's all I have the patience for. p96 (19 Jun 92) ➡

Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe? Calvin: The Horrendous Space KABLOOIE! p101 (21 Jun 92) ➡

Outside. Calvin has just seen a cloud shaped like his head sticking its tongue out at him. Calvin: Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen. p106 (06 Jul 92) ➡

Calvin: Childhood is for spoiling adulthood. p107 (08 Jul 92) ➡

Hobbes: Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. p107 (07 Jul 92) ➡

Calvin: [I pray for] The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference. p137 (28 Aug 92) ➡

Calvin: Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship. p154 ➡

Calvin: If mom and dad cared about me at all, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles. p5 ➡

Calvin: Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! p36 ➡

Calvin: I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Hobbes: Is it a right to remain ignorant? Calvin: I don't know, but I refuse to find out! p41 ➡

Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. p42 ➡

Calvin: Verbing weirds language. p.53 ➡

Calvin: If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again. p55 ➡

Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes." Calvin: Academia, here I come! p62 ➡

Calvin: Reality continues to ruin my life. p67 ➡

Hobbes: I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes. p.78 ➡

Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I protest this "C" grade! That's saying I only did an "average" job! I got 75% of the answers correct, and in today's society, doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent, we'd be ecstatic! I won't stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an "A" for this kind of work! (next panel)I think it's really gross how she drinks Maalox straight from the bottle. p.85 ➡

Calvin: Do you think babies are born sinful, that they come into the world as sinners? Hobbes: No, I think they're just quick studies. Calvin: Whenever you discuss certain things with animals, you get insulted. p.90 ➡

Hobbes: There's more to this world than just people, you know. p105 ➡

Calvin's Dad: Cyclists have a right to the road too, you noisy, polluting, inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon! p.106 ➡

Calvin: You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it. p109 ➡

Calvin's Dad: Calvin, losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all, winning isn't everything. Calvin: Is that really what they believe on the planet you're from? Calvin's Dad: You've been watching athletic shoes ads again, haven't you? p.110 ➡

Calvin: Do you believe in evolution? Hobbes: No. Calvin: You don't believe humans evolved from monkeys? Hobbes: I sure don't see any difference. [Calvin angrily chases him] Woo hoo hoo! p.114 ➡

Calvin: I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also, private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right. Do I have career options or what? Hobbes: I think I need to start hanging around with other animals. p.122 ➡

Calvin: Miss Wormwood, could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically, I'd like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders, since it's less wasteful. [In the corner with a dunce cap] For some reason, they'd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book. p125 ➡

Calvin: Like delicate lace, so the threads intertwine, oh, gossamer web of wond'rous design! Such beauty and grace wild nature produces...[disgusted] Ughh, look at that spider suck out that bug's juices! p140 ➡

Calvin: Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in...But every time I do, they tell me to stop it. p.140 ➡

Calvin: The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life. p142 ➡

Calvin: From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in. p145 ➡

Calvin: What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up? p146 ➡

(After Calvin hits a baseball and breaks a house window, walks up to Susie) ➡

Calvin: Don't ask dumb questions. Just ring my doorbell, hold the bat, and yell HA! HA! Susie: Why is that worth ten cents to you? p.150 ➡

Calvin: History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. p152 ➡

Calvin: These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual, horrible experiences, which are broadcast nationwide for the public's viewing amusement! It's intrusion, exploitation, and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everything's fair game! Hobbes: Who'd have guessed Big Brother would go commercial? Calvin: I love to snicker at other people's tragedy. p.156 ➡

Calvin: Look, a dead bird! Hobbes: It must've hit a window. Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. Hobbes: No doubt. p16 ➡

Calvin: I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family. p18 ➡

Susie: Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having. p25 ➡

Hobbes: So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection? p29 ➡

[Calvin is posing in his underwear in front of his mirror.] Calvin: Made in God's own image, yes sir! Hobbes: God must have a goofy sense of humor. p31 ➡

[Calvin is outside, looking up at the stars.] Calvin: I'M SIGNIFICANT!...screamed the dust speck. p30 ➡

Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! p34 ➡

Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Hobbes: Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're living in a tragedy or a farce. Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers. p.62 ➡

Calvin: Incredibly, people never expect to get hit with a snowball in the house. Hobbes: I'll see you in your room momentarily. p78 ➡

Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, 'What's wrong with this idiot?' But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said! Hobbes: Maybe they're not very self aware. Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves! p.83 ➡