Bill Watterson quotes
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#8905 Bill Watterson
Calvin: So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap! First line of the first Calvin and Hobbes strip.Calvin: I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday, so I'm sure to have a tiger by now! Calvin's Father: They like tuna fish, huh? Calvin: Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich! Hobbes is eating sandwich and caught upside down in trap Hobbes {talking to himself}: We're kind of stupid that way.
#8906 Bill Watterson
Calvin: Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar? p12 Susie Derkins' first mention by name - she would appear in the strip for the first time the following day
#8907 Bill Watterson
WAP! WAP! WAP! Calvin is hammering nails into a coffee table Calvin's Mom: CALVIN!!! What are you DOING to the coffee table?!?! Calvin: pauses, looks at the table Calvin: Is this some sort of trick question, or what? p. 23
#8908 Bill Watterson
Hobbes: What's that cereal you're eating? Calvin: It's my new favorite, "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs". Have a taste. Hobbes: Thank you. (clutching throat) MFFPBTH!!!!! S-Sw-Sw SWEET!!!!!!!!! Calvin: Actually, they're kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em. p61
#8909 Bill Watterson
Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace? Calvin: Too few role models. Calvin: I'll be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. We're at war, so if you get hit with a dart, you're dead and the other side wins, OK? Hobbes: Gotcha. Calvin: GO! (WAP-WAP they shoot each other simultaneously) Kind of a stupid game,isn't it? p62
#8910 Bill Watterson
Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy...and tell him the awful TRUTH ABOUT THIS PLACE!! Calvin's Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans. p70
#8911 Bill Watterson
Hobbes: Look, it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Calvin: EIGHTEEN?!? By then I'll know better! p90
#8912 Bill Watterson
Calvin: Boy, what a day! I went to school, played outside, and did my homework. I'm exhausted. [to his dad] You know what time it is now? Calvin's Dad: Uh, 7:35. Calvin: It's Miller Time. Calvin's Dad: Get back here! p28
#8913 Bill Watterson
Calvin: Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid, Dad? Calvin's Dad: Oh, sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Calvin's Mom: [to Calvin's dad] Listen, buster, I think Calvin's grades are bad enough already, don't you? p29
#8915 Bill Watterson
Susie: Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play, Calvin? Calvin: I'm still learning it. Being an onion is a difficult role, you know. What are you? Susie: I'm "Fat". Calvin: No, I mean in the play. Susie: [punches Calvin] Anyone ELSE want to say it?!? Calvin: Aackk! Understudy! Understudy! p43
#8916 Bill Watterson
Calvin's Dad: It's going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn't know anything but what it's seen on TV. p100
#8917 Bill Watterson
Susie {to Calvin}: Talking with you is the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. p72
#8918 Bill Watterson
Calvin's Dad: Go break his little legs, will you, honey? p77
#8919 Bill Watterson
Susie: I was going to ask you to play House, but I think you'd be a weird example for our children. p36
#8920 Bill Watterson
Calvin: If I was in charge, we'd never see grass between October and May. p6
#8921 Bill Watterson
Calvin's Dad: I think "Santa" would rather have a cold beer. p15
#8922 Bill Watterson
Hobbes: Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. p15
#8923 Bill Watterson
Calvin's Dad: (spotting Calvin's macabre snowmen) You can always tell when you get to our house. p41
#8924 Bill Watterson
[Hobbes eating "Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs" to help Calvin get proof of the purchase seals to get a beanie.] Hobbes: Blechh. I feel sick. Calvin: Oh, c'mon. That's only your second bowl of cereal. Hobbes: This stuff is pure sugar. Calvin: But it's fortified with eight essential vitamins, so it's good for you. Hobbes: Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of Milk Duds. Calvin: Look, it says right here, "Part of a wholesome, nutritious, balanced breakfast." Hobbes: And they show a guy eating five grapefruits, a dozen bran muffins... Calvin: (shaking) You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency, I'll bet. p43
#8925 Bill Watterson
Calvin's Mom: I haven't seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means he's getting in trouble. p76
#8926 Bill Watterson
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front? p100
#8927 Bill Watterson
Calvin's Mom: How can kids know so much and still be so dumb? p109
#8928 Bill Watterson
[Calvin and Hobbes are waiting for the school bus] Calvin: How long have we been waiting for the bus now? Hobbes: (looking at his watch) About two and a half hours. Calvin: I think mom put me out here this early on purpose! p123
#8929 Bill Watterson
Calvin's Dad: I'm going to the office and get some sleep. p124
#8931 Bill Watterson
Calvin {as they are walking and come upon some trash in the woods}: I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by man's destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. p29 (08 Nov 89)
#8932 Bill Watterson
Calvin: Look, Hobbes! My newest invention! Hobbes: Isn't that your transmogrifier? Calvin: It was, but I made some modifications. See, the box is on its side now. It's a duplicator! Hobbes: Ah. Calvin: It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier, so instead of merely making a reproduction on paper, this machine actually creates a real duplicate! Hobbes {happy}: So our financial worries are over? Calvin: And counterfeiting is just one of its many uses around the home! p. 55
#8933 Bill Watterson
Hobbes: Have you tested your duplicator machine yet? Calvin: I was just about to. You can help. Hobbes: Oh boy! What will we duplicate first? Calvin: Me! Hobbes: You?? Calvin: Yeah! Mom wants me to clean my room, so I'll duplicate myself with this, and let the duplicate do the work! Smart, huh? Hobbes: I can picture the look on your parents' faces when they find out they've suddenly had twins. Calvin: Twins, heck! This summer I can make a whole baseball team! p. 55
#8934 Bill Watterson
Calvin: OK Hobbes, press the button and duplicate me. Hobbes: Are you sure this is such a good idea? Calvin: Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions! This is a brilliant idea! Hit the button, will ya? Hobbes: I'd hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress... here you go. [presses button]
#8936 Bill Watterson
Hobbes: Scientific progress goes "boink"? Voice from under the box: It worked! It worked! I'm a genius! Second voice from under the box: No you're not, you liar! I invented this! p. 55
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