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Blackadder

Blackadder: Baldrick, Id bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots!
Blackadder people
Melchett: Ah- Tally-ho, Yippity-Dap and Zing-Zang Spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chucker? Baldrick stares at him silently
Blackadder war
Rowan Atkinson - Ebenezer Blackadder / Lord Edmund Blackadder / Edmund Blackadder, Esq. / Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder
Blackadder
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, Ill be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Blackadder sex
Richard III: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. Consign their parts most private to a Rutland tree!
Blackadder art
Harry: Now, Im afraid that theres going to have to be a certain amount of violence. But at least we know its all in a good cause, dont we?
Blackadder good
Richard III: And gentlemen in London still abed shall think themselves accursed that they were not here, and hold their manhood cheap, while others speak of those who fought with us on Ralph the Liars Day!
Blackadder men
Richard IV: As the good Lord said: Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless hes Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!
Blackadder love
Edmund: Dont be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
Blackadder absurd
Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.
Blackadder being
Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
Blackadder war
King Richard IV: So now, my boy, when I have at last found a use for you, dont try to get out of it!
Blackadder you
Edmund: No, no, no, no. No, you see, the thing about Heaven, is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants
Blackadder god
Graveney: Very well. signs I leave my lands to the Crown, and my soul in the hands of the Lord. May He treat me like the piece of refuse that I am rubs his hands together, grinning and send me to Hell where I belong.
Blackadder soul
Edmund: Amen. Youre a very lucky man! I wish I could be coming with you, but, you know, being the Archbishop
Blackadder men
Edmund: So, what youre telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Blackadder light
Edmund: Percy, in the end you are about as useful to me as a hole in the head. A feeling with which you must be very familiar, having never had a brain.
Blackadder you
Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen!
Blackadder sad
Edmund: Well, no-one Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.
Blackadder
Percy: No, no, really, Im serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Blackadder ya
King: Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke, where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks and shout BEHOLD! I honour thee most highly!
Blackadder city
The Hawk: And now, on to the castle, to kill the royal family and claim that throne that isnt mine by right!
Blackadder family
Blackadder: Yes, it is, not That it be. And you dont have to talk in that stupid voice to me, Im not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
Blackadder man
Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First she is a woman! And second she is
Blackadder man
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark - which, incidentally, is what youll be getting if you dont start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
Blackadder art
Dr Leech: It isnt every day a man wakes up to find hes a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods clean earth than a weasel!
Blackadder god
Kate/Bob: Youll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldnt afford friends.
Blackadder love
Blackadder: It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Blackadder man
Blackadder: Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad lookout for Christians around the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
Blackadder god
Lord Flashheart: Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang onto! And Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard he started worshipping me! A-HAHAHAHAHA! Nursie! I like it firm and fruity! Am I glad to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?
Blackadder god
Blackadder: Right Baldrick, lets try again, shall we? This is called adding. gestures to the beans on the table If I have two beans, and then I add two more, what do I have?
Blackadder right
Blackadder: smiles, impatiently Yesss and no. Lets try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?
Blackadder smile
Blackadder: Baldrick. The ape-creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. helps him count One, two, three four. So, how many are there?
Blackadder man
Blackadder: Three and that one. waves the fourth bean in front of Baldricks face So if I add the three to that one, what will I have?!
Blackadder will
Blackadder: pause Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasnt it?
Blackadder people
Blackadder: Youre a sad, laughable figure, arent you, Percy? Baldrick, what do you think of Percys new ruff?
Blackadder sad
Blackadder: No, now weve moved on - from advanced mathematics to elementary dress making. What do you think of Percys new ruff?
Blackadder men
Blackadder: No, thats what I think. What do you think? Try to have a thought of your own; thinking is so important. What do you think?
Blackadder thinking
Blackadder: Right, good morning team. My name is Edmund Blackadder, and Im the new Minister in Charge of Religious Genocide. Now, if you play straight with me youll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and youll soon discover that under this playful, boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthlesssadistmaniac!
Blackadder art
Baldrick: Yes, umm Ive killed someone I shouldnt have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag!
Blackadder you
Ploppy: Young Ploppy here has a point, my lord. Lord Farrow never wore a bag; he was an old-fashioned sort of a gent.
Blackadder fashion
Percy: Well, yes, my lord. I mean, I hadnt meant to mention it, but I have been wondering all along why you should think that Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because hes not!
Blackadder men
Percy: Yes, eh How about if we get Lord Farrows head and body and we take it to the Queen. Except, ex-cept just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying We were just on our way when he said something traitorous, and so we cut his head off in the corridor just to teach him a lesson!
Blackadder art
Blackadder: Bloody explorers. They ponce off to Mumbo-Jumbo Land and come home with a tropical disease, a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things, and Bobs-your-uncle, everyones got a picture of them in the lavatory! I mean, what about the people that do all the work?
Blackadder people
Blackadder: To you, its a potato. To me, its a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, its fine carriages, luxury estates and as many girls as his tongue can cope with! Hes making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them theyll be eating them next!
Blackadder people
Queenie: Its him! Oh God, do I look absolutely divine and regal, and yet at the same time very pretty and rather accessible?
Blackadder god
Captain Rum: You have a womans legs! Ill wager those legs have never been sawn clean off by a falling sail and swept into the sea before your very eyes.
Blackadder man
Captain Rum: No point in changing your mind now; no one else will come. The whole things suicide, anyway!
Blackadder mind
Captain Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight until everyones dizzy and then head for home!
Blackadder home
Percy: Dont despair, good woman. He died a heros death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
Blackadder life
Queenie: But what about Melchy and Raleigh? You must have brought something for them as well. Nursies got her beard, Ive got my stick - what about the two boys?
Blackadder you
Blackadder: Youre a one, arent you?! When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets, you dont say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you wont stop jabbering!
Blackadder good
Blackadder: Look, if I had wanted a lecture of the rights of man, Id have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
Blackadder art
Blackadder: Tell him to get his sacred backside out of here! And whats more, if he comes begging again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns babies during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards!
Blackadder war
Blackadder: I cannot believe it! She drags me all the way from Billingsgate to Richmond to play about the weakest practical joke since Cardinal Wolsey got his nob out at Hampton Court and stood at the end of the passage pretending to be a door!
Blackadder believe
Blackadder: And thank God you did, for I was just thinking, My God, I die in 12 hours, and what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat.
Blackadder god
Percy: Do not despair! For I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky haps, it is just over a thousand, methinks, and for years has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock
Blackadder age
Blackadder: Seen it, pinched it, spent it! And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he’s got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
Blackadder art
Blackadder: Oh, God! This place stinks like a pair of armored trousers after the Hundred Years War! Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?!
Blackadder god
Blackadder: Yes, Percy, I dont want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold. Thats why its called gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is some green.
Blackadder you
Blackadder: Theres nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I know. Ive had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle! Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets.
Blackadder time
Blackadder: Its beautifully framed, dont you think? Which is ironic, really, because thats exactly whats happened to you.
Blackadder beautiful
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!
Blackadder mind
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Blackadder god
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me Im best!
Blackadder art
Percy: Oh, how I would love to be an actor! I had a great talent for it in my youth; I was the Man of a Thousand Faces!
Blackadder love
Blackadder: And dont say Tush, either! Its only a short step from Tush to Hey nonny nonny, and then Im afraid I shall have to call the police!
Blackadder
Blackadder: My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder – the two most fanatical puritans in England – have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.
Blackadder night
Blackadder: Yep. But they have one great redeeming feature: their wallets! More capacious than an elephants scrotum, and just as difficult to get your hands on!
Blackadder you
Melchett: Im sure we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria, when Blackadder was found wandering naked among the gardens of Hampton Court, singing Im Merlin, the Happy Pig!
Blackadder men
Nursie: That was another good idea! You are so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesnt fall off.
Blackadder good
Nursie: Certainly does! My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off.
Blackadder wit
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give phenomenally good.
Blackadder men
Percy: Well, my lord while Baldrick and I were preparing the t-turnip surprise we had a surprise! We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a thingy!
Blackadder
Blackadder: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well-endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
Blackadder love
Blackadder: Good, because theres nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip!
Blackadder good
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, my Lord, cause Ive got a thingy thats shaped like a turnip!
Blackadder art
Blackadder: So, the plan is, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, you must pass me water in an ale-bottle. Have you got that?
Blackadder you
Queenie: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadder time
Baldrick: Very well, my lord. I am your bondsman, and must obey. sticks a knife down his trousers and begins sawing
Blackadder man
Lady Whiteadder: What he is trying to tell you is that you appear to be wearing a pair of devils dumplings!
Blackadder evil
Blackadder: Oh my god, my ear muffs have fallen down! Would you like a pair, its getting rather cold?
Blackadder god
Queenie: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomachof a concrete elephant!
Blackadder art
Queenie: Err, wait a minute - Im sure there was something very important I had to do to all of you this morning
Blackadder you
Blackadder: Right! Well, perhaps this time, I might be allowed to continue. And perhaps finish, with any luck—
Blackadder time
Blackadder: What is it? he gets hit on the head I said what is it, not hit me on the - he collapses
Blackadder
Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year--
Blackadder thought
Prince Ludwig: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot again!
Blackadder will
Blackadder: Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation!
Blackadder sad
Ludwig: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my apple-ogies.
Blackadder forgive
Blackadder: Believe me, sir, if he had incongwenienced me, you would no longer have a tongue with which to make such an offer.
Blackadder believe
Ludwig: Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder, if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that if I had inconwenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.
Blackadder you
Ludwig: Yes! You remember when you were young, and your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard?.
Blackadder ya
Ludwig: NO! NO, NO, NO! You will - all of you - regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion! I shall return and wreak my rewengie!
Blackadder regret
Ludwig: In disguise as Queenie Now this is a disguise Im really going to enjoy. If I can just get the voice right.
Blackadder joy
George: Yes, yes, youre right. Still, for me, socks are like sex: tonnes of it about, and I never seem to get any!
Blackadder sex
Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. NameBaldrick. First name?
Blackadder right
Baldrick: Well, when I was little and I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes Hello, my names Baldrick. And theyd say Yes, we know: Sod-Off Baldrick.
Blackadder hell
Blackadder: Thats your nose, Baldrick. Now, Any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what. Ill cross out the in. Any history of sanity in the family?None whatsoever. Now, Criminal record?
Blackadder history
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, youre going to be an MP, for Gods sake! Look, Ill just put Fraud and sexual deviancy.
Blackadder god

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