BoJack Horseman

Charlie Rose: Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin Around. To what do you attribute the shows wide appeal?

BoJack: Charlie, listen, yknow, I know that its very hip these days to shit all over Horsin Around, but at the time, I can tell you— Is it okay to say shit?

— BoJack Horseman time

BoJack: Cause I— I think the shows actually pretty solid for what it is. Its not Ibsen, sure—but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra. And sometimes, when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likeable people who love each other. Where, yknow, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes everythings gonna turn out okay. Yknow, because in real life Did I already say the thing about the urethra?

— BoJack Horseman love

Charlie Rose: Well, lets talk about real life. What have you been doing since the shows cancellation eighteen years ago?

— BoJack Horseman life

BoJack: You sleep on my couch and you dont pay rent. Ive had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I dont even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.

— BoJack Horseman sleep

Todd: Because my parents kicked me out and I had nowhere to go, and even though you dont want anyone to know it—

— BoJack Horseman parents

BoJack: You told me they didnt approve of your alternative lifestyle. I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didnt realize by alternative lifestyle that you meant you were lazy.

— BoJack Horseman life

Todd: Thats on you for making assumptions. Also, if youre looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.

— BoJack Horseman night

BoJack: Neigh way, Jose! I improvised that line. I mean, it was scripted, but I gave it the ol BoJack spin.

— BoJack Horseman

Princess Carolyn: You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.

— BoJack Horseman you

Princess Carolyn: So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?

— BoJack Horseman self

BoJack: I told you, thats not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented! You walked in at the worst possible moment.

— BoJack Horseman time

BoJack: The dad from The Brady Bunch? As I recall, he was raising three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.

— BoJack Horseman men

Diane: No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?

— BoJack Horseman hate

Diane: Most people dont even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. Youre actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. Youre responsible for your own happiness, you know?

— BoJack Horseman happiness

BoJack: I was actually already in a bad mood but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself. But now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.

— BoJack Horseman friends

Tom: All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box Well, tell us what happened, Neal.

— BoJack Horseman home

Neal: This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now Im on TV! So now Im better than everybody!

— BoJack Horseman man

BoJack: I dont agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. Im sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and its not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him its okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.

— BoJack Horseman people

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, Im gonna level with you, honey. This whole you-hating-the-troops thing is not great.

— BoJack Horseman you

BoJack: I dont hate the troops, I just hate one specific troop. I dont even hate him, I just think hes wrong about the muffins.

— BoJack Horseman hate

BoJack: And I dont believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.

— BoJack Horseman people

BoJack: You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.

— BoJack Horseman truth

BoJack: Todd, how many times have we been over this? You dont have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.

— BoJack Horseman time

Todd: Oh, my God, look at what shes done to your house! All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think Im addicted to heroin now, so now thats probably gonna be a whole thing.

— BoJack Horseman god

Diane: I have to say, I agree with Todd. Youre not this girls father and youre not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.

— BoJack Horseman sin

BoJack: Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin Around didnt need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.

— BoJack Horseman love

BoJack: The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until theres nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you dont stop dancing, and you dont stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.

— BoJack Horseman people

Sarah Lynn: America needs to know that Im not that little girl anymore. Im a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have sex, and I do sexy things. People like sex, okay? And since Im sexy right now, they like me.

— BoJack Horseman people

A Ryan Seacrest Type: Are you at all worried that audiences will grow bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing?

— BoJack Horseman sex

Zelda: My pumpkins throwing up because Halloween encourages excessive consumption of refined sugar at a time when obesity rates are sky high. Plus, Halloween costumes are a gateway to casual racism.

— BoJack Horseman time

BoJacks Voice: If youre wondering who said that, its this note that youre reading. Youre hearing my voice in your head because thats how reading works.

— BoJack Horseman reading

BoJacks Voice: As you mightve noticed, Todd, Ive left you home alone for the day, and frankly I already regret that decision. Heres what you need to do: nothing. Dont touch my stuff and dont make a mess. Pick me up at the airport tomorrow and until then: DONT. DO. ANYTHING.

— BoJack Horseman home

Mr. Peanutbutter: Tell me. How are you gonna complete your giant bracelet with the chain-link fence from Dodger Stadium?!

— BoJack Horseman you

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, how did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction, puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do? Oh, I listened to the voicemail you left me saying you were stealing the D because of Diane so I could, and I quote, Suck your D!

— BoJack Horseman quote

BoJack: Oh, come on! I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when Im around her? Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone elses girlfriend? Sure, of course, but do I like her? The answers no. You have nothing to worry about.

— BoJack Horseman man

Mr. Peanutbutter: Ill cut you a deal. I help you get rid of that D, and you never talk to Diane again.

— BoJack Horseman you

Princess Carolyn: You gotta get your shit together. So you took some licks, but youre gonna bounce back! Because youre talented, youre smart, and damn it, youre good! You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman. So get the hell off my lawn!

— BoJack Horseman god

BoJack: Ohh Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carls Jr. How much did I have to drink last night?

— BoJack Horseman thought

Princess Carolyn: Last night? Oh, youve been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter.

— BoJack Horseman sin

BoJack: So youre the quote-unquote person singular that everyones so crazy about. What have you got figured out that I dont?

— BoJack Horseman quote

Dick Cavett: When we booked you for this show, you just won the Triple Crown. But then, just this week, I open up the newspaper and look at this. Secretariat Under Investigation. What am I supposed to do with that?

— BoJack Horseman book

Dick Cavett: When I grow up, I want to be just like you, and I think Im on the right track. Get it? Track, because horses run on tracks, and you are a horse, and I am a horse. Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the track? Okay, theres a whole page of this.

— BoJack Horseman age

Dick Cavett: He goes on, My question for you is, I am a good kid and I like to play and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not be sad? Sincerely, BoJack.

— BoJack Horseman time

Secretariat: Thats a great letter. BoJack, when I was your age, I got sad. A lot. Uh I didnt come from such a great home, but one day, I started running and that seemed to make sense, so then I just kept running. BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead a-and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you dont let them. Dont you stop running and dont you ever look behind you. Theres nothing for you behind you. All that exists is whats ahead.

— BoJack Horseman life

Announcer 2: A sad day for the sport of horse racing. Secretariat banned for life from competition.

— BoJack Horseman life

Announcer 1: Its a disgrace is what it is! This is the 70s! You cant cheat in sports and get away with it.

— BoJack Horseman grace

Announcer 2: You know, I think it just goes to show you—you can be the fastest runner in the world, but you cant outrun the truth.

— BoJack Horseman truth

Announcer 3: And traffic is jammed today coming into Louisville. Looks like some idiot parked his car on the bridge.

— BoJack Horseman day

Naomi Watts: I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies. For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own. Thats kind of the reason I got into this business.

— BoJack Horseman love

Watts: Oh, we all do. The director insists upon it. He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace. Its been great.

— BoJack Horseman help

BoJack: Seriously? Am I the only one who knows the extremely popular BBC science-fiction show about the time travelling Doctor who saves civilisations?

— BoJack Horseman science

BoJack: Sara Lynn is right. You know, if we all had guns, then no one would need a gun, and we would all be safe. Oh my God, I think we just solved the gun crisis in America!

— BoJack Horseman god

Todd: BoJack, just stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you. Its not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. Its you. Alright? Its you.

— BoJack Horseman drugs

Sarah Lynn: Im with you, man. Everything sucks! Especially sobriety. Why would I make my body a temple? Ive been to temple. Temple is super-boring.

— BoJack Horseman man

Ana Spanikopita: After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water. So I became a lifeguard. On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when youll see someone in trouble. Youre going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them. But you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you cant save. Because those people will thrash and struggle, and try to take you down with them.

— BoJack Horseman life

Planetarium Narrator Neil deGrasse Tyson: Be it horse, cat, human or even lizard, our lives are but the briefest flashes in a universe that is billions of years old.

— BoJack Horseman man

BoJack: See, Sarah Lynn? Were not doomed. In the great grand scheme of things, were just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten. So it doesnt matter what we did in the past or how well be remembered, the only thing that matters is right now, this moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together.

— BoJack Horseman men

BoJack: I dont know how to be, Diane. It doesnt get better and it doesnt get easier. I cant keep lying to myself, saying that Im going to change. Im poison.

— BoJack Horseman change

BoJack: I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. Thats my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that Ive lived, and I have nobody in my life whos better off for having known me.

— BoJack Horseman life

BoJack: Sarah Lynn is right. You know, if we all had guns, then no one would need a gun, and we would all be safe. Oh my God, I think we just solved the gun crisis in America!

— BoJack Horseman god

Diane: Idea for a new app: an undo button that can undo long amounts of time. Three months. A year. A life. One click and everything could just go back to the way it was.

— BoJack Horseman life

Diane: It doesnt offend you? What about the part where she says, I hope and pray to God my little fetus has a soul / cause I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole?

— BoJack Horseman god

Mr. Cuddlywhiskers: Sometimes, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesnt have to be that way. Only after you give up everything can you begin to find a way to be happy.

— BoJack Horseman happiness

BoJack: I do love you by the way, I mean as much as Im capable of loving anyone, which is never enough.

— BoJack Horseman love

BoJack: No, I already did hang in there. Im BoJack Horseman? Weve actually met before. At Chris Martins holiday party?

— BoJack Horseman art

BoJack: You opened up about your fear of success? I gave you some advice? You said I was a true friend and you would never forget me?

— BoJack Horseman success

Daniel: Hey! You were the second hairdressers assistant on The Ellen Show about five years ago. Veronica, right?

— BoJack Horseman you

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