Brian Regan

I met this woman, I couldve sworn she was pregnant, let me tell ya. I believe the rule is, dont guess at that ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Something like that. I dont have enough evers memorized. I said, Hey, whens that BABY due? You ever feel a word comin out but its too late to stop it? Whens that BABY due? BABY! What baby? Uhhhat the zoo, the pandas. I knew they were havin one just thought maybe we could talk about it, if you want. Talk about the fluffy zoo animals. That they.. I hear they got them over there I guess we could talk about or go pet them if you want. Have you ever guessed someones gender wrong? Theres no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, cause you aint wigglin out of anything. Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir? MAAM Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!

— Brian Regan man

I cant remember names Im always trying to do the nickname thing to get out of it every one knows what your trying to pull. Heeey buckaroo my namess not buckaroo sure it is partner. some people get really upset if you get their name wrong especially if they have a name thats really similar to another name. Carolyn and Caroline dont get that wrong because they will drill you. Hiiiiii Caroooolyn its Caroline its Caroline Brian. Its Briooon yes my name is Briooon very hard to say my name correctly cause its BRYAHYAHYAHOHHN!!! Yeah can you say that very few can. Correctly.

— Brian Regan art

How many outs Brian? GRAPE! Im gonna get grape, or cherry. Theyre both favorites, so either one is good, but if they have both, Ill get grape, because grape is a little more favorite. But if they dont have grape its like alright its fine, cause cherrys favorite anyway. Its like another favorite, but not as much. Not as much favorite. But theyre both good. Theyre both good. The second baseman was always tryin to help me out. Hey, Brian move that way a little. Okay. I dont know what gave him the authority to tell me that. Oh, here? Oh, right here? Oh, over there, okay. This is where I was! I remember hed always tell me. Two away, Brian! Two away! Uhhh..okay. Brian! Two away! You too!

— Brian Regan man

I was a pretty stupid kid I used to get talked into making prank calls, you know? My older brother and some friends were just standing around me: Okay, Brian, make some prank calls. Make some prank calls. And Id get all nervous, and mess em up. Uhhm, do you have frog legs? No, no, do you serve em!?! No, do you have em? Youre stupid! Brian, relax, man, you got to relax when ya make da prank calls. Do another one! Concentrate. Is your refrigerator running? Its not!?!? Ohhohohhwhispers Its not..! Its not..! Oh, no, its not! Okay, you have a good day, now; you take luck Brian, do this one, read it, so you dont mess it up! Do you have Prince Albert in the can? You do? Well, then you better take him out, because he is Uhh suff-oh-cot-ting. He wants to know what that is- Hang up!! Youre stupid!! You stupid person!!!

— Brian Regan friends

I dont know what in the hells going on with cranberries, but theyre getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops.

— Brian Regan man

I always get nervous with that one test. Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B. Now! No, now! Now! Then! I dont know I dont know. Im afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second Ill get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. You must have messed up that A B test! Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles.

— Brian Regan men

We just moved. I called UPS to ask em to help out with some boxes. Theyre a good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them, I had no idea. I called em up,

— Brian Regan good

Im actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people dont realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I dont know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldnt tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me-- MEeee-- MEEee- MEEEEE-- MEEEEEEEEEEE! MEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Beware the Me Monster. So I tried to jump in with a little story, I dont just want to sit there the whole night. Right when Im done with my story this guy goes, That aint nothing. Oh, well, didnt mean to waste everybodys time, telling my nothing story. Here, let Marco Polo speak, hes back with tales of adventure.

— Brian Regan war

I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. Its the first time Id seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wifes like, Hows Gary? I dont know I thought you went golfing with Gary today I did And you dont know how hes doing? It never came up. Is he dating anyone? I dont know. Were you two in the same golf cart? Yeah. Youre kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you dont know if hes dating anyone? I know hes got a new driver. How is that possible that wouldnt come up? How is that possible it WOULD come up? The hundred and fifty markers there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?

— Brian Regan time

Sorry about your Uncle Fred, but hey, sometimes you end up dead. Did somebody bonk him in the head? Did somebody pump him full of lead? What the? Are they trying to be humorous? Betcha glad it wasnt you instead. AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!

— Brian Regan humor

You know whats fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 Just Because cards. They cant even ask you why you did it.

— Brian Regan book

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

— Brian Regan sports

You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People dont have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.

— Brian Regan time

I was watchin the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. Hes gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So Im sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution. Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!

— Brian Regan life

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult? You dont know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein. I dont think were honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

— Brian Regan man

I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners yoga tape. I couldnt do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: cant do that, cant do that - I know I cant do that. This woman in a soothing voice: Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.

— Brian Regan war

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

— Brian Regan living

I dont know what in the hells going on with cranberries, but theyre getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. Hes showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. Well call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why dont you back off, cran-man. Why dont you take your sales trophy and have a vacation.

— Brian Regan man

The big yellow one is the sun!

— Brian Regan sun

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

— Brian Regan time

I hate the phrase “One thing led to another”. What kind of lazy writing is that? Isnt it your job as a writer to tell me how that made this happen? “Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man in his application to an art school. One thing led to anotherand the United States ended up dropping two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan”.

— Brian Regan writing

I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.

— Brian Regan people

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. Thats a nice relaxing drive. Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge.

— Brian Regan self

Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?

— Brian Regan people

If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

— Brian Regan time

I saw this sign posted once, it said, Blasting Zone Ahead. Wow. Shouldnt that read: Road Closed? What do you mean theres a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think were- (Pow!)- Oh! Were getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?

— Brian Regan you

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didnt write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it wouldve been perfect. I dont know if anyone saw the movie. Its the scene where the ape general comes in. And theyre trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: Man these bananas are good! But they didnt use it. I did all of that research.

— Brian Regan writing

You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, You, too. You, too. I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, Hey, have a nice flight. You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.

— Brian Regan time

Do not stand directly in front of a cannon...how true that is.

— Brian Regan true

— Brian Regan war

If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, What the hell am I reading?

— Brian Regan art

Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? Im not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldnt say that. I dont give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff.

— Brian Regan self

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, Im still writing the year 1612 on my checks!

— Brian Regan writing

The ultimate objective [of comedy] is to get a laugh, so if you can get a laugh off the fact that you did not get a laugh, then youve kinda saved the moment. Other professions dont have that luxury. You dont want to hear a brain surgeon say, Man, am I so stupid! I cut on the wrong side of your head!!

— Brian Regan men

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, Im not gonna open two jars. I cant be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

— Brian Regan man

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you Einstein when you do something really stupid ?

— Brian Regan art

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

— Brian Regan you

I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think its a great remedy for many things.

— Brian Regan humor

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and itll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

— Brian Regan you

I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.

— Brian Regan

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

— Brian Regan life

Ladies and Gentlemen, were about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called. ... Thats what they say-but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!

— Brian Regan time

Im trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.

— Brian Regan love

Be adaptable, flexible and never stop learning. The rate of change will never stop and neither should you.

— Brian Regan change

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

— Brian Regan america

Like, Im trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I dont feel that way at all. I just think its different. Its different. Theres rock music, theres jazz music, theres reggae music: All of those forms are different.

— Brian Regan music

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.

— Brian Regan art

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!

— Brian Regan man

I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.

— Brian Regan reading

If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.

— Brian Regan art

I go in for the eye test, and I dont know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You dont want to get no D on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses.

— Brian Regan you

So my doctor told me to watch what Im eating - to read food labels. Im in the store reading the Fig Newtons label: Ive always liked Fig Newtons. Im reading the label to make sure everythings fine: fat content. I looked at the serving size; two cookies. Who eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size. I open them both and eat them like a tree chipper; Fig Newton shavings coming off the side.

— Brian Regan reading

I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff Ive never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm Im going to have the Beef aronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.

— Brian Regan art

I dont sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes Ill notice something or read things or experience things.

— Brian Regan life

I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. Hey, enjoy your meal. You, too. But you dont have one, do ya? Im a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity. Thats all Im trying to say.

— Brian Regan joy

I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? Shes nuts. Shes like, You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. Its just the combinations of how you put the food together. And then her examples are like, You wouldnt want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins - not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them.

— Brian Regan food

My parents didnt know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk.

— Brian Regan parents

Dont like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? Whats the guy supposed to say?

— Brian Regan mother

I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! Im the two plate guy! Clank! Clank! Anyone wanna spot me? Clank! Clank!

— Brian Regan men

It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And thats why I limit them. But I dont want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine.

— Brian Regan kids

So when you do board, the first class people, theyre sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. Theyre looking up at you like, Hey, were making money right now!

— Brian Regan people

I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop!

— Brian Regan man

If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster.

— Brian Regan men

Just make sure youre staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall where it falls.

— Brian Regan self

Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a different animal. People are being served nachos and theres a blender going off in the background.

— Brian Regan people

I try to be careful and put things in perspective. There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and mentally. I consider myself a lucky person because I get to go on stage and tell jokes for an hour. If I miss a connection here and there or my room isnt ready now and then? Its not a big deal.

— Brian Regan people

I like to go on stage with a variety, with some stuff thats been around for a handful of years, some stuff from the last year, some stuff is from last week, and some stuff is brand spanking new. Those are the moments that excite me - when Im coming up to a brand new bit. The more virgin the snow, the more fun it is to run on.

— Brian Regan men

Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up!! Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!!

— Brian Regan life

I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances.

— Brian Regan people

I try to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. I try not to create comedy for other comedians to like. I want everybody to like it. I want audiences to like it, but I also want comedians to like it. Im selfish. I want everybody to laugh!

— Brian Regan art

I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve!

— Brian Regan

You see weird things driving... Ive never understood log trucks. Sometimes youll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I dont understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need em over there, youd think a phone call would save em a whole lot of trouble.

— Brian Regan time

Hooked on Phonics worked for me

— Brian Regan work

How come they dont think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. Hey, thats a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o crime in the city today.

— Brian Regan crime

Dont let dialog about your company happen without your perspective.

— Brian Regan perspective

Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. Its a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream, and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose.

— Brian Regan life

I dont know. Id be a lot better off if I wouldve studied more when I was growing up, you know?

— Brian Regan you

Some people look at creamed corn and ask, Why? I look at creamed corn and ask, Why not?

— Brian Regan people

I just tend to think about everyday things for my onstage act. Actually you know what I like to talk about just the absolute most - the more mundane the subject matter, the more interesting it is to me.

— Brian Regan age

Im honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when Im on stage Im not just trying to make the comedians laugh - Im also trying to make the audience laugh. I want to make everybody laugh.

— Brian Regan time

Its hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny.

— Brian Regan funny

Relevance is kind of a weird thing. If one does topical material, it makes sense to want to be relevant. But if someone talks about donut sprinkles, its not quite as important. Unless the U.S. Supreme Court makes a decision outlawing donut sprinkles.

— Brian Regan weird

I dont always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes Ill see things, or experience things, that make me go, Huh, maybe thats a bit.

— Brian Regan humor

Many comedians consider themselves to be cutting edge. But why do we have to use the knife for the analogy. Lets use the spoon. I like to consider myself the big bowl-like area of the spoon that holds all the stuff you like.

— Brian Regan self

I dont take jokes from other people. Its really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. Its not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.

— Brian Regan people

I wanted to do the comic strip. I tried to get it syndicated, and I sent some examples to a syndication company, and they sent me a rejection letter! I wasnt smart enough at the time to realize you shouldnt let rejection letters stop you. I thought that rejection letter meant I was not allowed to be a cartoonist in this world, so I put the rejection letter down and said, well, Ill be a stand-up comedian.

— Brian Regan time

Im always excited about my upcoming shows. I love what I do; I feel very lucky to be able to do what I do, and I never get tired of it. Every time Im backstage before a show and I feel the murmur of the crowd, its just incredibly exciting. And I consider myself very fortunate to be able to do this for a job. Its a great life.

— Brian Regan love

A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have to be truthful kinds of things that people in the audience can go, Yes, Ive experienced that myself!

— Brian Regan truth

Im capable offstage of having some dark, twisted thoughts but the kind of things I like to do onstage are just more conceptual and I dont even think of them as being clean. I dont sit down and think, Man, Im going to come up with some lily-white comedy! Theyre just things that I like to talk about, and then at the end of the day you think, Well, I guess that was clean but its not the focus.

— Brian Regan thoughts

Every comedian works differently. Some comedians might do just observational stuff and they dont do anything personal, and other people.. everything they do is personal and they dont do any observational stuff at all. Theres no right or wrong, its just that everybody picks their own approach.

— Brian Regan people

I saw something in the store the other day that I dont understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, Im lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, Im not gonna open two jars. I cant be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?

— Brian Regan man

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Wheres my check? Thatd be great. Hey, what do you do for a living? Well, I dont grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure theres no corn growing. Im gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but theres more money in not growing corn.

— Brian Regan money

The bigger the show, the weirder it is.

— Brian Regan weird

Sometimes youll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where its so big that you can see all of the disinterested people. You see the audience, but then behind the audience you see people eating ice cream, going for a walk.

— Brian Regan time

As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then Im okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets.

— Brian Regan time

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People dont fake laugh. If theyre truly laughing at you, you know they like you.

— Brian Regan people

When youre onstage, its a communication technique when you make people laugh. Youre communicating. Youre communicating with other human beings and when they laugh you know that youre connecting. Laughing is an honest reaction and its something that I can trust, and I love that feeling of knowing that I connected.

— Brian Regan love

The only way Id want to do something in television would be if it was about how I think as a comedian. Id need to be able to be a creator. Thats what I enjoy - I enjoy coming up with comedy, so itd be very difficult for me to be sitting in a room and have somebody come in and say, Heres your script! Learn these lines! Thats not fun. At least not for me.

— Brian Regan joy

I am happy doing standup so I dont ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldnt mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.

— Brian Regan mind

I wasnt expecting to really draw in respected comedians but its going to happen along the way and Im truly honored by that.

— Brian Regan respect

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