Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

[speaking to elementary school class]Tyrone Biggums: Drugs is all around you kids. Look at that magic marker cap. What the hell you think that is, some kind of crayon? Take it off and sniff it and get high.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 men

Tyrone Biggums: Why do you think I carjacked you, Rhonda?Rhonda: Cause the cops found you in it three hours later asleep, high on crack!Tyrone Biggums: Thats impossible, Rhonda. How can you sleep when youre high on crack? Chinese riddle for you.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 sleep

Tiger Woods: I always wanted to say this... fa-shizzle.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 want

Tron: Night. Night. Keep yo butthole tight.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 night

Rick James: They shoulda never gave you niggas money.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 money

Silky Johnson: [referring to Rosie ODonnell] Now that man Id hate to fight. Cause she wears underwear with dick-holes in em.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 hate

Tyrone Biggums: Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 bible

Tyrone Biggums: ...and that, kids, was the first time I sucked a dick for crack.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 time

Black Gallagher: Hope you all like my outfit. The queer guys came by and had an eye for me.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 hope

Charlie Murphy: I knew what hotel he was stayin at. I told my boys Id catch up with them later. So I shot over to the hotel, went up to his room...[Cuts to Rick James sitting on a dresser talking to himself]Rick James: So then... he comes in there and I says, Listen, bitch, Im Rick James.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 self

Real Rick James: See, I never just did things just to do them. Come on, what am I gonna do? Just all of a sudden jump up and grind my feet on somebodys couch like its something to do? Come on. I got a little more sense then that.[pause]Real Rick James: Yeah, I remember grinding my feet on Eddies couch.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 body

Prince: Game... blouses.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

Rick James: That was cold-blooded!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 blood

Rick James: Bitches! Come over here and show Charlie Murphy yo titties![women lift up their shirts]Rick James: The milks gone bad!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 women

[jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial]Prosecutor: You know, hes been accused of this before.Dave Chappelle: So? Some people say the cucumbers taste better pickled.Prosecutor: What?Dave Chappelle: Huh?Prosecutor: What?Dave Chappelle: Huh?

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 people

Rapper: I battle any sex or any race / You beating me is like Billy Crystal playin Scarface / I cant see it, Im blind to the eyes / I came up in your face - oops, pow, surprise! Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 sex

Dave Chappelle: Knock-knock...Audience: Whos there?Dave Chappelle: Some skits, biotch.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 die

Dave Chappelle: Its not HBO. Its regular ass TV.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

News Reporter: What about people who say youre only interested in the Middle East for oil?President Black Bush: What? Huh? Oil? Who said somethin bout oil, bitch. You cookin? Oil? Man, I dont know what...[knocks over water pitcher]President Black Bush: Come on, yall! Get out of here!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 people

Dave Chappelle: Im Dave Chappelle, and I like internet porn.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 internet

Mace Sam Jackson Windau: [during press conference talking about Jedis raping their students] I would just like to say that this counsil will have zero tolerance for any sexual deviency regarding our Jedi knights!Reporter: Mace, do you feel that the Jedis that have commited this crime deserve to die?Mace Sam Jackson Windau: Yes, they deserve to die! And I hope they burn in hell!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 hope

[after Grits n Gravy rolls two sevens in a row]Leonard Washington: You tha goddamn devil.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 god

Arsenio Hall: This is some good ass cheese!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 good

Charlie Murphy: [when Prince challenges them to basketball] We can call it the shirts vs the blouses.[Prince looks on the verge of tears]Charlie Murphy: I dont know what he was crying about. He knew where he got that shirt and it certainly wasnt in the mens department

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 art

[after Dave convinces him not to kill one of his prostitutes]Wayne Brady: Youd better thank Dave Chappelle. Go ahead, thank him.Hooker: Thank you, Dave. I like your show.Dave Chappelle: RUN BITCH! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GET SOME HELP!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 life

Man In Truck: [said at the end of every show] IM RICH BIATCH!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

Tron: Katie has some big ass tit-tays!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

Dave Chappelle: ...Jokes and jokes and jokes and jokes.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

[breaking news report following the distribution of slavery reparations]News Reporter: So, what do you plan to spend your money on.Tron: [In fake, quivering voice] Im going to re-invest it in the community.News Reporter: Well, thats...[cut off]Tron: Psyche. Im gonna spend it before yall honkies change yo minds.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 change

[while Ice-T is about to reveal the player hater of the year]Beautiful: He looks like a broke-ass Ice-T!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 hate

Ice T: And the winner of playa-hater of the year is... Silky John-ston.[applause]Pit Bull: Kiss my ass! Kiss my ass! Im the biggest hater!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 hate

Intervention Counselor: Harold, what time did you tell him to be here?Harold: 5:00. But hes always late.Rhonda: Oh, hell be here. In 3, 2, 1...Tyrone Biggums: [bursts inside room] Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 time

Clayton Bigsby: Then Jasper said Look here, nigger, if anyones gonna have sex with my sister, its gonna be *me*.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 sex

Tron: Hey, its white boy, ok who ordered the pizza. Hey white boy find the square root of this room.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

[Clayton Bigsbys truck pulls up next to a group of white kids listening to rap]Clayton Bigsby: Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!Hip-Hop Fan: Did he just call us niggers?... AWESOME!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 music

Chad: Be careful if you ever get a sleeper hold. The next day your anus will really hurt.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 hurt

Tyrone Biggums: You know what dog food tastes like? Do you? It tastes just like it smells... delicious.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 food

Dave Chappelle: Ever since Ive been doing this show a lot of rappers have been offering me to be in their videos. Which is nice but they get me to do stupid stuff. Like, whadda got to do, Snoop?Dave Chappelle: [imitating Snoop Dogg] Okay, here it is, Dave. Its a club scene and like you is dancing and then you slip on a banana peel and land in some doo-doo. Splat. Then you rollin around got doo-doo all over you and then here I come with my gatas, my now an lata gatas, steps over and then you see me walk off in slow-motion.Dave Chappelle: And Im like, Hold up nigga! Why cant I be the one in slow-motion? Im tired of being the one in the doo-doo!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 sin

Dave Chappelle: Flip-i-tee flack! Flip-i-tee floke! Here come some jokes!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

Rick James: Im Rick James, bitch. Enjoy yourself.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 joy

Tiger Woods: So long fried rice, hello fried chicken. I love you Dad!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 love

Charlie Murphy: Things like escalated to the point where, you know, my man got too familiar and I ended up having to whip his ass man, you know, cause you know, he would step across the line. Habitually. Hes a habitual line stepper.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

[Paul Mooney predicts the future as Negrodamus]Audience Member: Negrodamus, will Arsenio Hall ever have a show again?Negrodamus: Yes. Arsenio Hall will have a new show called Good Morning, Black America. It will be played at noon throughout the country.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 future

[singing]Tron: There are! I say there are so many amendments in the constitution of the United States of Americaaaa! I can only choose one! I can only choose ooooooone! I plead the fif! I plead the fif! FIVE! 1,2,3,4, fiiiif! Anything you say! FIIIF! Go ahead and ask me a question!Senator: How do...Tron: Fif! I like to show all of you a secret document![pulls out a piece of paper saying FiF]Tron: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiif!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 men

[at the Player Haters Ball]Silky Johnston: Im very upset about what you said about my coat. I made it outta your mothers pubic hair.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 hate

Dave Chappelle: Skeet Skeet Skeet!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

[Tron having dinner with police after turning self in]Police Commisioner: Now, you are a cocaine dealer, but youve done a lot of good for the community.Tron: I know. When its Thanksgiving, I be passin around turkeys like Nino Brown, baby!Police Commisioner: Of course!Tron: [dignified] But may I ask you gentleman, when Im acquitted, can I continue to channel rocks throughout my community?Police Commisioner: [holding up tape recorder, non-sincerely] Ab-sol-ute-ly not!Police Commisioner: [winks]Tron: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, sellin rocks would be bad.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 self

[playing at the World Series of Dice]Leonard Washington: My names Leonard Washington. Where Im from? A little town called None Of Your Goddamn Business.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 god

Quills: [screaming] All right, nigga! Get butt naked right now!Leonard Washington: [calm] First of all, I think ybetter watch your tone son. Im Leonard Washington. I dont get butt naked for nobody.[holds up wad of money]Leonard Washington: You want this roll, nigga? You gonna have to shoot me for it.Quills: OK[shoots him in the knee, takes the money]Leonard Washington: GOD DAMN, NIGGA! WHAT THE HELL WRONG WITH YOU! THATS WHY BLACK PEOPLE CANT HAVE ANYTHING! YOUR MAMA AINT SHIT!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 god

Vernon: THUG LIFE! You think this a game, nigga! Arf! Arf! WU-TANG!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 life

[as hes leaving]Grits n Gravy: When I leave, close together like butt cheeks.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006

[in Trading Spouses, Leonard Washington lives with a white family][rap music is blaring]Leonard Washington: Hey! What the hell you listening to?White Kid: Its the new 50 Cent. Man, Im from the streets! G-G-G G-G-G G-Unit!Leonard Washington: Come on... get in the car. G-G-G G-G-G Get your ass in the car!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 music

Silky Johnson: That was Beautiful. On the weekends, Beautiful does stunts for Little Richard in gay movies.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 beautiful

Clayton Bigsby: Lets talk about Chinese people! With their kung-fu and their silly chang-chang-chong talk! We cant understand you! Go back to yer country! White power!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 people

[P. Diddy hosts Making the Band]P. Diddy: All right, you guys aint working as a team. Im gonna have to shut down the studio. The only way Ill reopen the studio is if you go up to the Bronx, and get me some breast milk from a Cambodian immigrant.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 work

[Dave is visiting The Internet]Ron Jeremy: Are you sure you dont wanna see me have sex? I do a great doggy style.Dave Chappelle: Yeah, I know, Ron! I got my stroke from you! Thank you, Obi-Wan!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 sex

Prosecutor: Mr. Chappelle, what would it take to convince you that R. Kelly is guilty?Dave Chappelle: Okay, Id have to see a video of him singing Pee On You, two forms of government ID, a police officer there to verify the whole thing, four or five of my buddies and Neal taking notes, and R. Kellys grandma to confirm his identity.R. Kellys Grandma: Thats my Robert, always peeing on people.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 people

Silky Johnston: What can I say about that suit that hasnt already been said about Afghanistan; It looks bombed out and depleted.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 read

Big Al: Kiss the rings, bitch. Im out.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 kiss

Charlie Murphy: I mean, you know where you got that shirt. And it damn sure wasnt the mens department.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 art

Silky Johnston: Rosie ODonnel. She wears underwear with dick holes.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 wit

Sheila: [after Its A Wonderful Life style sketch] Are you an angel?The Angel: Me? An angel? Im the janitor[puts on uniform]Sheila: But... How did you show me all those things?The Angel: Girl, I am high on PCP! I was wondering how you were following me. You smoke sherm?Sheila: Come on, who are you really?The Angel: Lady, Im just a nigga that loves titties.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 love

Wayne Brady: [introducing his prostitutes] Hoes, Dave. Dave, hoes.Dave Chappelle: Good evening, bitches.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 good

Prosecutor: So, you dont think Michael Jackson is guilty?Dave Chappelle: No, man. He made Thriller.[pause]Dave Chappelle: Thriller.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

P. Diddy: What are you doing, Ness? You just gonna do your taxes right now? Is that hot? Is that whats going down in the streets?

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 you

Audience Member: Negrodamus, why is President Bush convinced there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?Negrodamus: Because he has the receipt.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 die

[on Making the Band]Dylan: I mean, who are da five greatest rappers of all time?[counting on his fingers]Dylan: Dylan... Dylan... Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 time

Rick James: CHARLIE MURPHY! Whats happening, partner! DARKNESS, EVERYONE, DARKNESS! HEY EVERYBODY, DARKNESS IS SPREADING!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 art

Charlie Murphy: Because of my complexion, he use to call me Darkness. He calls me and brother Darkness. The Darkness Brothers. See, this is long before Wesley Snipes. Back then... we was the blackest niggas on the planet according to Rick James.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 darkness

[talking about invading Iraq]President Black Bush: He tried to kill my father, man. I dont play that shit.Black Vice President: Say word he tried to kill your father, son.President Black Bush: THAT NIGGA TRIED TO KILL MY FATHA!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

Prosecutor: Are you aware that Robert Blake has been accused of murdering his wife?Dave Chappelle: Oh yeah. Baretta did that shit.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 war

[Wayne Brady takes Dave on a shooting spree]Dave Chappelle: You just shot people, Wayne! Those were *people* you shot!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 people

[Black people receive reparations for slavery]Reporter: Sir, now that youve got your check do you plan on quitting your job driving this truck?Man In Truck: Truck driver? I aint no truck driver. Im a janitor. Thats right, baby, I just bought this truck straight cash. I got cigarettes for me and my family the rest of our lives! IM RICH, BIATCH![honks horn]

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 people

Dylan: [to Wyclef] You too close, mon![starts choking Wyclef]

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 art

Real Rick James: I must be losin my mind. Reminiscing about Charlie Murphy come kickin my ass. Aint that a b.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 mind

Prosecutor: What if I told you that the accusers correctly described Michaels penis to investigators?Dave Chappelle: Sir, I have never seen Michaels alleged penis, but I bet you that I can describe it all right? Let me guess... theres a head, a shaft, some balls, hair - maybe pressed, permed hair, with glitter sprinkled on it.Prosecutor: Thats correct.Dave Chappelle: Whoa... howd I know? Come on dude, I couldnt pick my own penis out of a line up, all right? And me and penis is like this, son.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 you

Silky Johnston: [while looking at a picture of P. Diddy] He looks like Malcolm X before he converted to Islam.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 islam

Dave Chappelle: [from the announcers booth after Tiger Woods acceptance speech after he was picked by the black race during the Racial Draft] Ive just received word that Tiger has lost all his endorsements. Nike, Wheaties, Amex, Tag Heuer, the whole shebang-a-bang. Well, tough break, nigga. Theres always FUBU.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 men

Arsenio Hall: Why didnt you tell me how good the cheese was?

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 good

[while robbing a bank on his cancelled TV show Zapped!]Dave Chappelle: I eat cottage cheese for dinner! Thats right! With salt and pepper!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 age

[while beating up Hitler]Beautiful: Hitlers momma got one big titty and one little titty. They call the bitch Biggie Smalls!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 beautiful

Brenda Johnson: I dont like people playin on my phone!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 people

Dave Chappelle: R. Kelly was pissed. No punchline to that. Nigga was pissed. He was all, How could you go and make a video about peeing on someone? Nigga, how could YOU go making a video about peeing on somebody?

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 body

[while drinking a bottle of breast milk]P. Diddy: Thats one hundred percent Cambodian, dawg.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 drinking

Tyrone Biggums: Harold, is anthrax bad?

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 bad

Silky Johnston: I hate you. I hate you. I dont even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 life

Dave Chappelle: Hey hey hey hey. Smoke weed every day.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 day

[Charlie has just hit Rick after Rick slapped him for no reason]Rick James: Darkness, why you hit me like that?Charlie Murphy: You hit me!Rick James: Nigga, that was weeks ago!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 darkness

Earl The Snake White: Some mark ass trick just stepped on my sneaker, and poured Mortons salt all over em. Are yall ready to ride? RABBLE RABBLE! Lets ride on these fools at their own bar-b-que!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 ya

Black Gallagher: Pink Hearts, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, and Orange Stars - that leprechauns on acid!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 love

Dave Chappelle: Welcome back to Chappelle Show, I still havent been canceled yet but Im workin on it.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 work

Billy: [Billy and Dave are still playing video games] Dave, cant you see Im dying of cancer?Dave Chappelle: [Dave pauses the game] Billy, Im sorry man. I was just trying to teach you a lesson! You can beat cancer but you got to be strong. I see it in you Billy, youre going to make it.Billy: Really?Dave Chappelle: Hell, no, nigga! You play like a bitch! Hang on a second.[unpauses the game and its game over]Dave Chappelle: [shouts] Game! In your face! In your face! Feel better![then leaves]Billy: Half-Baked sucked anyway!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

Kent Wallace: Youve never left this property, have you, Mr. Bigsby?Clayton Bigsby: No, sir, not in many years.Kent Wallace: What if I were to tell you that youre an African American?Clayton Bigsby: Sir! Im going to make this clear. Im in no way, shape or form involved in any kind of niggerdom.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

Leonard Washington: [talking to Ashy Larry] Boy, youre drier than Kunta Kintes ankles.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 you

Miss Harvey: Look at that, Calvins got a job! Hey, Calvin!Calvin: Hey Miss Harvey! Just got my first paycheck.Miss Harvey: Thats good, Calvin very good!Neighbor: Way to go young brotha, gettin paid, gettin paid.Thug #3: Yo, I heard Calvin got a job.Thug #1: Man, Im proud of him!Thug #2: [pulling ski mask over his face] Lets rob that nigga, man.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

Tyrone Biggums: [Tyrone is eating elk penis as part of the final challenge on Fear Factor] You know, Joe Rogan, this is not the first time Ive tasted penis. Ive had several! In my line of work, you taste penises all the time!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 fear

Dave Chappelle: Oh, Sally, its not whats gotten into me, its whats gotten into Oprah! My seed, son! Ha ha h aha! Im *rich*, bitch! Ha ha ha!

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 rich

Car Wash Man: You got a nice car here man.Dave Chappelle: Thanks. How much will that be?Car Wash Man: Oh, eight hundred seventy-three dollars.Dave Chappelle: But the sign only says five dollars.Car Wash Man: Thats the old price.Dave Chappelle: Whats you mean the old...[man shows Dave his gun]Dave Chappelle: Oh come on man.

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

Gary Coleman: Whats you talkin bout bitch?

— Chappelles Show TV Series 2003–2006 man

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