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Clerks II 2006

Dante Hicks: Why *do* the Go-Karts help?Randal Graves: I dont know. They just remind me of a better time in my life.Dante Hicks: Like when?Randal Graves: Like when we were young and the world was still in front of us.Dante Hicks: Were not that old.Randal Graves: Yeah. But, sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.Dante Hicks: You know, you can do something about that.Randal Graves: I told you, I dont wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!
— Clerks II 2006 life
Randal Graves: What? What is the big deal? Since when did it become a crime to say porch monkey?Becky: Oh, I dont know, since forever?Randal Graves: Why?Dante Hicks: Because porch monkeys a racial slur against black people!Randal Graves: No its not! Nigger is.Dante Hicks: Randal!Randal Graves: What?Elias: [to Randal] Excuse me, but did you just call Mr. Dante a nigger?Becky: Shut up, Elias!Randal Graves: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that nigger is a racial slur towards black people.Dante Hicks: So is porch monkey!Randal Graves: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, *those* are racial slurs towards black people! Porch Monkey is not!
— Clerks II 2006 war
Silent Bob: ...I got nothing.
— Clerks II 2006
Elias: Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!Randal Graves: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One.Elias: I dont really want to hear this Randal.Randal Graves: The First of the Fallen. The Spoiler of Virgins, the Master of Abortions!Elias: You know I dont like to talk about dark forces Randal.Randal Graves: [singing into P.A. microphone] Let me help you out of your chair, Grandma!Jay: [climbing through the drive-thru window] Grandma what was it like? To be on that holiday siteRandal Graves: Late that night I awoke from my sleep.Jay: Hearing! Unknown! Voices!Randal Graves, Jay: Laughing insane!
— Clerks II 2006 god
Wife: Im not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hatemonger!Husband: I will. Baby, you cant taste racism!Randal Graves: What racism, porch monkeys?
— Clerks II 2006 hate
Randal Graves: [about the Go-Karts] It just centers me, alright? Kinda the way jerking off at work centers you.Dante Hicks: I only did it that one time. And it wasnt to center me.Randal Graves: Yeah, it was to cum. Well I dunno about you, but cumming centers me.Dante Hicks: Then why did we have to leave work so you can ride the Go-Karts to clear you head?Randal Graves: Well, I dont wanna jerk off in the Moobys bathroom! What if a customer comes in and my jerking off gets him all sex nuts and retard strong, and suddenly Im fighting him off as he tries to jam my dick in his mouth!Dante Hicks: The most likeliest of scenarios.
— Clerks II 2006 time
Teen #1: You guys holding?Jay: Shit, everything but coke, heroin and your cock.Teen #2: What?Teen #1: How bout a nickel bag, man?Jay: [singing] Oh, fifteen bucks, little man, put that shit in my hand. Nong, nong, ning-a ning-a nong nong!Teen #1: [to friend] He likes to sing.
— Clerks II 2006 man
Becky: Im disgusted and repulsed and... and I cant look away.
— Clerks II 2006
Dante Hicks: You wouldnt wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?Randal Graves: No, cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.
— Clerks II 2006 you
Emma: Come outside with me, Ive got a surprise for you![Emma and Dante run outside and pass Jay, posing completely naked]Dante Hicks: Thats my surprise?Emma: No.
— Clerks II 2006 sin
Jay: [Emma parks her SUV and gets out. Jay and Silent Bob stand in front of the graffiti on the side of the Moobys - Eat pussy.] Oh, we *totally* do.
— Clerks II 2006
Lance Dowds: Randal Graves. Thirty-two and youre flipping burgers? Jesus, anybody else from our graduating class back there?
— Clerks II 2006 jesus
Dante Hicks: What are you writing over there, your memoirs?Randal Graves: Im battling this jackass on his blogs message boards.Dante Hicks: About what?Randal Graves: About how hes got too much free time and no life. A guy in a wheelchair whos always preying on other peoples sympathies, writing these long diatribes about how hell never walk again, and how walkers should appreciate the blessings of their functioning legs, so Ive been getting into it with him, throwing it right back in his stupid crippie-boy face about how I love to just sit around, and how Id rather drive to the end of the block than walk!Dante Hicks: The guys in a wheelchair.Randal Graves: Yeah. Thats why I called him crippie-boy.
— Clerks II 2006 love
Husband: Remember, you saved. You dont use that kinda language.Wife: Aint nobody from my church in here.
— Clerks II 2006 language
Randal Graves: Emma, are you like this cause you have an unnaturally large clit?Emma: You just *had* to tell him, didnt ya?Dante Hicks: It kinda came out one day!Randal Graves: He says its so big its almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I dont even wanna think about.
— Clerks II 2006 ya
Jay: You should read your Bible, sirs. Youll find all types of weird shit in there. Like, did you know Jesus was a Jew?Teen #2: [pause] Yeah.
— Clerks II 2006 jesus
Elias: Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.
— Clerks II 2006 jesus
Randal Graves: You swung at me!Dante Hicks: You ducked.Randal Graves: Because you swung at me!
— Clerks II 2006 you
[last lines]Dante Hicks: Can you feel it?Randal Graves: Feel what?Dante Hicks: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.
— Clerks II 2006 live
Elias: [to Jay] I have a huge boner right now![Jay smiles nervously at him]
— Clerks II 2006 smile
Dante Hicks: We need to talk.Becky: [referring to the donkey] Did you see the size of that cock?
— Clerks II 2006 you
Randal Graves: May your first child be a masculine child!
— Clerks II 2006 you
Randal Graves: [to Dante] Youre my best friend, and I love you... In a totally heterosexual way.Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah, right.
— Clerks II 2006 love
Elias: [while masturbating] Im sorry, Jesus!
— Clerks II 2006 jesus
Sexy Stud: [as the cops pull up] Oh, shit! Not again! Gotta finish!
— Clerks II 2006 sex
Randal Graves: Ladies and gentlemen, and you, Elias! Straight from the debauchery capital of the world, Tijuana Mexico!Dante Hicks: Oh, God, no.Randal Graves: Oh, God, yes![snaps his fingers and an incredibly elaborate lighting set-up is activated]
— Clerks II 2006 god
Randal Graves: [describing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy] Heres the first movie.[walks a few steps, staring blankly]Randal Graves: And heres the second movie.[walks a few steps again, pretends to trip]Hobbit Lover: He is way off, loser.Randal Graves: You ready for the third movie?[walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around]
— Clerks II 2006 love
[Randal bursts into the office]Randal Graves: [laughing] I made fun of Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some supergeek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?Dante Hicks: In the closet, with the rest of the cleaning products.Randal Graves: We have cleaning products?[Randal shuts the door]
— Clerks II 2006 fun
Randal Graves: Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dudes not into your D&D GoBots bullshit.
— Clerks II 2006 you
Dante Hicks: [pause in dancing as he dips her; to Becky] I love you, Becky.Becky: Im pregnant, Dante.[Dante drops Becky]
— Clerks II 2006 love
Elias: [mumbling] One Ring to rule them all.Hobbit Lover: One Ring to find them.Randal Graves: Oh, Jesus.Elias: [pulls a Ring necklace out of his shirt] One Ring to bring them all.Hobbit Lover: [pulls a Ring out of his pocket, in a dramatic voice] And in the darkness, bind them!
— Clerks II 2006 love
Elias: How many times?Hobbit Lover: Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.Elias: Five for Return!Hobbit Lover: Dude!
— Clerks II 2006 love
Randal Graves: [getting Gawking Guys attention from watching Dante and Emma make out behind the counter] Avert your eyes, ya perv!Gawking Guy: Not very hygienic. Thats all Im gonna tell you.
— Clerks II 2006 ya
Elias: As you know, my online handle is Optimus Prime.Randal Graves: I know that, I wish I didnt.
— Clerks II 2006 you
Randal Graves: Do we have a mop?Becky: Yeah its in the closet with the other cleaning supplies.Randal Graves: We have cleaning supplies?
— Clerks II 2006 lies
[first lines]Dante Hicks: [on his cellphone] Yeah, I got a fire at the Quick Stop. Yeah.
— Clerks II 2006 fire

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