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Community TV series

Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Community TV series college
Jeff: People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. Its clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. Shes driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.
Community TV series wisdom
Jeff: We should listen to him sometime. We wouldnt regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And dont test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks hes all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, theyre trying to impress their high schools prom king. And Abed. Abeds a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.
Community TV series time
Jeff: Not specifically, but if you think of grandsons as a metaphor for friendship, I think youll agree with this Transformer here that its time for ours to become a man, by reading from the Torah.
Community TV series friendship
Abed: Im interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
Community TV series media
Annie: This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Community TV series good
Abed: Well, I didnt realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. Sure, Ill do it, Chandler.
Community TV series friends
Troy: Hip, hop, body dont stop. Riverside got the broom, dont need a mop. Put your team in the box, put a ribbon on top, were not John Kerry cause we dont flip-flop.
Community TV series body
Annie: Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high schools shamefully outdated fight rap?
Community TV series school
Wherever a party needs to be saved, Im there. Wherever there are masks, wherever theres tomfoolery and joy, Im there.
Community TV series art
But sometimes Im not cause Im out in the night, staying vigilant. Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping. No, I cant sleep. You sleep. Im awake. I dont sleep. I dont blink. Am I bird? No. Im a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. Happy Halloween.
Community TV series time
Britta: I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.
Community TV series time
Jeff: How are you so satisfied all the time, Abed? I mean, dont you ever want anything more out of life than cereal?
Community TV series life
Abed: No. In Overboard, she was just like you. Wealthy, assertive, arrogant, got manicures all the time. But then she fell off her boat, and it was a good thing for her, because, ultimately, she realized she was happier being poor and raising four unruly boys with Kurt Russell.
Community TV series time
Abed: You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, its Lucky Charms and TV.
Community TV series hate
Annie: You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! Youre the one with the silver tongue.
Community TV series work
Jeff: Guys, what makes you think I can convince Chang of anything if I cant convince you not to make me do it?
Community TV series you
Britta: Guys, are we really going to let religion divide us? I think theres one thing we can all agree on.
Community TV series religion
Abed: Thats what I thought. If youd ever actually seen the show, youd know that Hawkeye didnt just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didnt, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. Thats your job.
Community TV series art
Abed: Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, thats sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.
Community TV series sarcasm
Abed: The truth is lots of girls like me because, lets face it, Im pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so Im more used to them approaching me.
Community TV series truth
Abed: Britta, Ive got self-esteem falling out of my butt. Thats why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isnt such a big deal.
Community TV series change
Jeff: Youre becoming dangerous, Annie. It’s those doe eyes. Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain.
Community TV series anger
Admiral Slaughter: I dont see students here; I see seamen. I didnt create them. From the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you. More importantly, youve stopped giggling at the word seamen, and thats the mark of a real seaman.
Community TV series men
Abed: Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You cant do surgery on yourself. Its illegal. Youd get arrested, and then youd get a free lawyer.
Community TV series self
Annie: No, no, I dont want anybodys pity. You know, come to think of it, after Pierce, youre the most bigoted.
Community TV series body
Annie: When you found out I was Jewish, you invited me into a pool party that turned out to be a baptism.
Community TV series art
Jeff: Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lip is going to quiver and her eyes will flutter but they wont ever actually close but do not feel sorry for her!
Community TV series eyes
Jeff: Friends dont do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each others food so they were too sick to leave? No! Ive never seen it, but Im pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!
Community TV series friends
Jeff: Who cares if youre sorry? Were still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DONT DO IT!
Community TV series you
Jeff: Slater makes me feel like I do when I write my new years resolutions. She makes me feel like the guy I want to be. And Britta makes me feel like the guy I am three weeks after new years, when I’m back to hitting my snooze button and screening my mom’s phone calls. Back to who I really am. So, do you try to evolve? Or do you try to know what you are?
Community TV series you
Chang: Guys, I got a confession to make. I took anthropology because I want to be a part of your study group. Now, I gotta do the honest thing and just ask. Is there any room in this pocket for a little spare Chang?
Community TV series art
Dean: No. That is a job for some upstanding students who are training right now in the simulator simulator.
Community TV series rain
Jeff: We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but its our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.
Community TV series school
Abed: I always thought that Jesus just walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but its so much cooler than that. He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined. I would love to make a Jesus movie.
Community TV series love
Annie: Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. Youre not the least bit curious how that happened?
Community TV series you
Pierce: That was weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?
Community TV series art
Abed: I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.
Community TV series hate
Britta: You guys are talking about the same person: hes biracial, his name is David, and hes a human being.
Community TV series man
Chang: Well, whys everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member? And you didnt invite me?
Community TV series you
Abed: Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint their vans and solve mysteries.
Community TV series pain
Abed: An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.
Community TV series war
Britta: I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land and from their perspective
Community TV series perspective
Abed: As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is
Community TV series man
Troy: The very same. Were both interested in taking you to the Valentines dance, but we are also best friends with each other.
Community TV series friends
Abed: It is of the utmost importance we protect that friendship from the stresses of courting you, so were trying to be as direct and above-board about this as possible.
Community TV series friendship
Britta: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a little bit homophobic.
Community TV series world
Britta: If you have to ask if its homophobic to ask questions, havent you already answered your own question?
Community TV series you
Britta: Oh, theres Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? Thats a question you can ask.
Community TV series age
Pierce: I was never one to hold grudges, Jeffrey. My father held grudges. Ill always hate him for that.
Community TV series hate
Troy: I told Pierce a thousand times, I never wanted to meet LeVar in person! I just wanted a picture. You cant disappoint a picture! I hate you Pierce!
Community TV series time
Annie: Nah. I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. You were right the whole time. I just couldnt admit it until I saw you running away crying.
Community TV series time
Abed: Where to begin I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Community TV series men
Abed: I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message—a very nice message—from the people who make Cougar Town.
Community TV series love
Jeff: Wow, thats cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
Community TV series people
Jeff: Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection, You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each others mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! Which ways the picnic? Bleh! That way. Humans are more evolved. We lie.
Community TV series reality
Jeff: Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.
Community TV series lies
Jeff: What if youre dishonest about why youre lonely? What if youre a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say shes attracted to him anyway?
Community TV series sex
Troy: Didnt we decide at the beginning of the year that, for the good of the group, we wouldnt allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?
Community TV series good
Pierce: It began with a dream Annie. A dream and an impulse to hide in the mens room. I found that people were willing to roll bullets under the door just for the right to take a dump. By the way, for you guys, taking a dump is on the house.
Community TV series people
Jeff: Yeah, weve parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest elderly crazy friend. And hes not coming back.
Community TV series art
Shirley: Oh, Starburns. I see you added a lizard to your special hat and sideburns. Am I missing anything?
Community TV series sin
Starburns: Yeah, the human being underneath it all, but no ones really interested in that, are they?
Community TV series man
Professor Cligoris: A logical, effective, common-sense move, Annie Kim, one which flies in the very face of the United Nations itself: A fundamentally symbolic organisation founded on the principles of high-minded rhetoric and empty gestures. Blue UN wins!
Community TV series mind
Abed: Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isnt to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
Community TV series life
Abed: Us. It wont matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each others flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pierce will never apologize. Brittas sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
Community TV series perspective
Abed: Theres 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
Community TV series die
Abed: Here we are: a log cabin I rented so we could be intimate in safety because its not the fifties so we dont have to park our car and neck at expression point.
Community TV series safety
Jeff: Oh, good grief, hes not supporting gay people. Theyre supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.
Community TV series people
Dean: This isnt Hollywood, Pierce. If it was, these glasses would be tinted and Id be friends with Stevie Nicks.
Community TV series friends
Annie: The Dean had his seventh epiphany today, which has given me an epiphany of my own: the Dean is a genius. He has to be. If he isnt, then Ive given almost two weeks of life to an idiot; that is unacceptable. Therefore, the Dean is a genius, and I will die protecting his vision.
Community TV series life
Jeff: Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos. My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose: to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen. Now, it has. The game of Foosball is completed. Youre free to return to your undoubtedly hearing impaired families.
Community TV series purpose
Jeff: Tempting, but then wouldnt I be playing Foosball, if so how would I not be a loud, weird knob?
Community TV series weird
Jeff: What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldnt you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?
Community TV series art
Shirley: Fine! Monday morning. Only lets make it interesting: the loser never gets to use this table again.
Community TV series day
Jeff: Were you guys walking around with a soccer ball just so you could do that? They left the ball and everything. I think they were literally walking around with it like a prop to use. Its like a twenty-five dollar bit, and its not even that good!
Community TV series good
Annie: Websters Dictionary defines? Thats the Jim Belushi of speech openings. It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why.
Community TV series sin
Dean: I dont know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all youre making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
Community TV series you
Narrator: Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. Like Inglourious Basterds but with Chang instead of in. I dont get it either.
Community TV series light
Annie: One of the soldiers said they were making trophies out of mattress tags. This was as ugly as things could get while still being a pillow fight.
Community TV series fight
Jeff: None of us have to go to anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We cant keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone elses job and just stop hating ourselves.
Community TV series men
Britta: Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist
Community TV series death
Carl Bladt: I think Ive heard enough, and I dont see what choice I have. Greendale Seven - Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorn, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes - you are hereby expelled from Greendale Community College. May god have mercy on your souls.
Community TV series god
Dr. Heidi: Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and Im alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.
Community TV series people
Troy: There is another way in. If I enroll in the AC school, theyll help us. We could walk in and out. Itll mean Ill have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I wont be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.
Community TV series relationship
Britta: Hes been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so hes finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. Whats the worst that could happen?
Community TV series school
Jeff: The dead cant have business. They cant want or think or do. Its the living that choose to be haunted.
Community TV series business
Pierce: Thats international airspace. Were literally above the law! Jeff can marry any man he wants.
Community TV series man
Britta : I am an activist, thats always been my choice. Truth is I never voted, except when I watch The Voice.
Community TV series truth
Annie: I was struggling in history, Im normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.
Community TV series history
Troy: I caused Greendale fire. All the 55 acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.
Community TV series fire
All together: This secret inside me, was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret is out!
Community TV series doubt
Abed: But is he good or is he bad? Every actor is something. Robert Downey Jr.? Good. Jim Belushi? Bad. Jean-Claude Van Damme? The good kind of bad. Johnny Depp? The bad kind of good. Theres a spectrum, and Cage is on it. I just have to find him.
Community TV series good
Britta: Dont listen to me—or anyone. Just listen to yourself, and make sure you tell yourself the truth.
Community TV series truth
Buzz Hickey: Mark Zuckerberg is Fidel Castro in flip-flops. Meowmeowbeenz is gonna make East Berlin look like Woodstock.
Community TV series
Dean Pelton: Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues, and Ones dont get a rhyme, because theyre garbage!
Community TV series live
Jeff: This Five cheats. It never registered. It was given a Five from outside the system. Behold the Meowmeowbeenz app. Its beta test ended days ago, its now available in the App Store: 99 cents. Five stars. This Five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgement.
Community TV series men
Jeff: And Im pretty sure its selling our details to spammers because Im getting a lot of email and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.
Community TV series men
Dean Pelton: Well Im a peanut bar and Im here to say Your checks will arrive on another day. Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar. Another stuffed shirt with another white collar. Criminals, Wall Street takin the pie, All the black man gets a plate of white lies! Prisons recruitin and police be shootin, Rap artists lootin and the labels are dilutin and BARACK OBAMA IS SCARED OF ME! Cos I dont swallow knowledge and I spit it for free LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT, HAHAHA
Community TV series knowledge
Professor Ian Duncan: Oh Annie, please dont start. Weve been through this. Anthropology is the study of humanity. Nothing is off topic.
Community TV series art

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