Cougar Town

Jules: You know, Ive seen the parade of girls youve brought home, tagged, and released. No matter how young they are, you dont seem the least bit self-conscious about your age.

— Cougar Town self

Grayson: Cant. When women get older, its icky. When men get older, its adorable. Its my favorite double standard.

— Cougar Town women

Jules: Once when I was 22, I had a baby and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end.

— Cougar Town self

Ellie: Oh that means Jules is so crazy that she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxes so her waxer doesnt think shes a cavewoman.

— Cougar Town self

Jules: And my marriage sucked! But why would you let me think youre some jerk who walked away from his wife?

— Cougar Town marriage

Grayson: I dont know, maybe because I had the crazy idea youd want to talk about it. Or I didnt want to relive the crazy adventure of having someone you love just walk away. Definitely one of those two things.

— Cougar Town love

Jules: Grayson, look. I know what its like to want to erase your past. I had Bobby move all his crap out just so I wouldnt have a daily reminder of it. But you cant pack away your past in boxes, its always gonna be a part of who you are. Look, you were treated really, really badly. Which kind of justifies why you can be such a tool. I mean, dont get me wrong, I was also treated really badly. But Im super nice, whatever.

— Cougar Town art

Grayson: The only time I ever spoke to your wife she told me she would, and I quote, pay someone to do me prison style if I didnt bring my trashcans in.

— Cougar Town time

Laurie: When I want to end it with a guy, I sleep with his best friend or brother. Brothers are good because if the guy was hot, chances are the brother is too. Best friends are a crap shoot.

— Cougar Town friends

Grayson: You know that girl I was with? She is eleven years younger than me. If you add that to the age difference between you and your date, its 611 years.

— Cougar Town age

Travis: Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I dont answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.

— Cougar Town death

Grayson: Its not my fault every twenty-four-year-old on Earth has a daddy complex and thinks my name is exotic.

— Cougar Town art

Travis: Im about to bring Kylie in so I need you all to act like normal human beings. I know its going to be hard but I can help. Mrs. Torres, Kylie doesnt have an eating disorder, she runs cross country, so think of a new opening question. Mr. Torres, I dont care how much you eat, lets keep our pants buttoned. Laurie, your breasts are bigger than hers. There I said it, you dont need to tell her. Neighbor guy, I see you brought your fruity little guitar, lets keep that holstered. Mom, you have multiple problem areas so when it doubt just say to yourself thats a bad idea. Dad, I think we both know its best if you dont say anything.

— Cougar Town self

Ellie: Or maybe he loves his body and lives his life shirtless, not caring what anybody thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey.

— Cougar Town love

Jules: Dont answer that! I mean, I know you went to Harvard and everything, but really, no one cares.

— Cougar Town you

Laurie: Grayson, that is a word that only women are allowed to use when theyre really angry with another woman.

— Cougar Town women

Laurie: Right, because if I didnt know what couth meant putting an un in front of it makes it perfectly clear. Whos dumb now?

— Cougar Town right

Jules: You know, we both only like sex between that small window of three and three forty-five. Should we do that?

— Cougar Town sex

Travis: Are there really women out there that will have sex with me just because theyre mad about something?

— Cougar Town women

Laurie: A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. Its really serious.

— Cougar Town wit

Ellie: Sweetie, when you say peoples body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.

— Cougar Town art

Jules: Oh my god, that bag is soaked with grease. Im telling you right now, i dont care whats in it, Im eating it.

— Cougar Town god

Ellie: I felt bad about you getting mugged, so I bought you some stuff. A rape whistle to help protect you from other scary lady muggers, some of that yogurt that helps old gals poop-

— Cougar Town you

Andy: Youre talking to a guy whose main goal in life is to party so hard he literally craps his pants in every country.

— Cougar Town life

Bobby: When you were a young pup, if I had told you to stick your arm in a hole, you just wouldve done it. But today you said no and you bitched about it. And Travis, you bitched like a man. This may sound sappy, but Im not sure if Im quite ready for you to be a grown-up. Im sorry I acted like Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

— Cougar Town man

Ellie: Jules is wigged out by our fight because she doesnt know what its like to be in a good, healthy marriage.

— Cougar Town marriage

Andy: What, were gonna throw our marriage away because I missed a baby dance recital? Stans one. I bet he didnt even move.

— Cougar Town marriage

Ellie: He peed himself and I fell asleep. Jules, when a marriage really works, tiny bumps in the road dont matter. You dont have to be scared because theres never any real jeopardy.

— Cougar Town marriage

Grayson: Well, we start with middle names and then do favorite numbers, and if things are going really well well move on to kittens vs. puppies. I like puppies cause it tickles when they lick you.

— Cougar Town art

Sarah: Once when trekking through Nepal, I had to act out Where can I find a tampon? to a monk. This conversation? Harder than that.

— Cougar Town conversation

Jules: Everyone knows. The guy at the pizza place would say two medium pepperonis and you deserve better.

— Cougar Town you

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