Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000–

Cheryl: [Larry discusses becoming a restaurant host] I thought you didnt like talking to people.Larry David: I dont like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– people

[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]Cheryl: Well love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity.Larry: You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?Cheryl: Yeah, thats the idea. Do you have a problem with that?Larry: Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didnt know we went into eternity together. Isnt that what it said in... til death do us part,I thought it was...Cheryl: Do you have a problem with eternity?Larry: Well...Cheryl: We finally found each other, Larry, and were celebrating this for all eternity.Larry: I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought Id be single again.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– love

Donald: You know what you are? Youre a self-loathing Jew.Larry David: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that Im Jewish.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– self

Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!Jeff Greene: You dont have a stepfather.Larry: I know, but I didnt like the implication!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

[Larry just found out the show tempo is a lot faster than the rehearsal tempo]Larry David: Bullshit, thats not the tempo. Get out of here.Blind Man: I think it is.Larry David: What?Blind Man: Pretty much.Larry David: Well, I dont know any human could dance to that tempo. Youd have to be Flash to dance like that.Blind Man: Who?Larry David: Oh, forget it. Its a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume!Blind Man: I dont even know what red is.Larry David: Hm. Its hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– man

[Larry has a flat tire in the city, and doesnt know how to fix it]Larry: [to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Ok, Im just coming flat out and saying help me. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now.[People are ignoring him]Larry: Ill give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– change

Richard: Youd better call me later on, alright? By sundown.Larry: By sundown? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? By sundown? Whats gonna happen?Richard: Thats funny. You know, Im tryin not to laugh, but thats funny.Larry: Yeah, okay.Richard: You better call me by sundown.Larry: By sundown? Is the posse gonna come get me?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– funny

Marty Funkhouser: Why do you pee sitting down?Larry David: Many reasons.Marty Funkhouser: Do you crap standing up?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– art

[Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn]Larry: Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean... what? That it could have been a barn? Theres no cows in barns. Theres cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I dont think that was the barn.[long pause]Larry: I think we made the wrong turn.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– think

Ben Stiller: You wouldnt even shake my hand the first time we met...Larry David: You sneezed... you had snot all over your hand!Ben Stiller: That was a dry sneeze, Larry!Larry David: I cant assume dry, I gotta assume wet!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– time

Jeff Greene: All of the women at HBO, they dont want to work with you.Larry David: Oh, come on. Thats ridiculous.Jeff Greene: They think youre a misogynist.Larry David: Why, cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!Jeff Greene: Cause you called the guy a cunt.Larry David: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.Jeff Greene: Well, cunts worse.Larry David: Cunts not worse. Pricks and cunts, theyre equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.Jeff Greene: No, cunt is worse. Cunts much heavier.Larry David: Why? Why is cunt heavier?Jeff Greene: I never questioned, it just is.Larry David: Thats sexist to me! Come on.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– women

Wanda: Whyd you fire the black man?Larry: I fired the black man... because... hes the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesnt work! And hes here like... every week, Im givin him checks, weve got five remotes, I cant turn it on... but I know, you know, *black* man can *never* do anything *wrong*, at least to get fired from a job! Black people *always* do everything right!Wanda: [Walks over to TV, pushes button, fixes it] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– people

Richard Lewis: Cant we have lunch or something and discuss this?Larry: I cant.Richard Lewis: Why not?Larry: Ive been auctioned off for some charity.Richard Lewis: What is this, Roots?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– charity

[Larry notices a picture on his rabbis desk]Larry: Is that you?Rabbi: Thats... thats Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm... he died on September 11th.Larry: Oh my gosh. Oh, Im so sorry.Rabbi: Yeah. Terrible.Larry: He was in the building?Rabbi: No, no. He, he was... uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger.Larry: Uptown?Rabbi: Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit em.Larry: [Long pause] What a shame.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– law

[Larry has realized he made a bad joke about Wandas butt]Larry: Ok, Wanda...Wanda: Oh, you know who I am, ok. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass.Larry: OK, you completely misinterpreted that...Wanda: How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out Hey, Big Ass Wanda.Larry: I didnt say big ass, I was just saying hello.Wanda: Is that how you say hello?Larry: Uh, well...Wanda: Hey big ass or Hey assy or Hey I know your ass. What is that? Thats not how you say hello.Larry: Perhaps not.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– sin

Larry: [Larrys house has been spray painted by trick-or-treaters he has offended and hes reporting it to cops] They dont deserve candy and I dont deserve this: Bald Asshole? Thats a hate crime!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– pain

[after leaving a terrible dinner party]Larry: Whats the level of anger here? What am I dealing with?Cheryl: Well, Id have to say at least an 8.7.Larry: 8.7? Thats not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9.Cheryl: It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points.Larry: Pity points. Thats fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– love

Larry David: [to president of ABC] Heres a question for Who Wants to be a Millionaire- what kind of an idiot is running ABC?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– running

Larry: You dont work. Youre unemployed.Cheryl: Loving you is my job, Larry.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– work

[Getting out of jury duty]Larry: Uh... well, your honor, I believe it would be hard to remain impartial seeing as the defendant is a negro.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– art

Larry David: I pee sitting down.Jeff Greene: You pee sitting down?Larry David: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?Jeff Greene: No!Larry David: Its more comfortable. When you get up during the night you dont have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.Jeff Greene: What are you reading?Larry David: Im reading a lot of stuff.Jeff Greene: What stuff?Larry David: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for gods sake!Jeff Greene: Twenty times?Larry David: Yeah! Hey buddy, when youre peeing all over your shoe, Im learnin somethin!Jeff Greene: What makes you think Im peeing all over my shoe while youre learnin somethin?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– god

Larry: [Larry is on the phone ordering a Girls Gone Wild tape, using a ridiculous Art Fern type voice] Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape... about the college girls and the... the wild... the wildness. Theyre going wild or something? Somebody told me... about going wild.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– art

Larry David: This is called a Swiss Army Knife. Do you know what Switzerland is?Tara Michaelson: No, whats that?Larry David: Switzerland is a place where they dont like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– people

Larry: I am not obsessed with asses.Wanda: Ok, assy. And what is all that shit all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

Jeff Greene: [Jeff is carting around Suzies dog, a German Shepard] Boy, you seem to really like Oscar.Larry David: Its not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesnt happen that often.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– art

Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top?Jeff Greene: Why do you have to analyze this? Cant we just watch this?Larry David: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me!Jeff Greene: Weve waited a long time to see this and all youre doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– time

Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that Im deaf and I try to imagine what its like not to be able to hear them. Its not that bad.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– time

Thor The Wrestler: Ive got three kids in there scared half to death because some bald headed *turd* is shootin at em!Larry: No, sir, we were, we were... we were playing cowboys and indians...Thor The Wrestler: Hey, you heard of Columbine? Its idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence!Larry: No, Im not a violent...Thor The Wrestler: Shut up! You know whats youre looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of twisted steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will *body slam* you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. Hear me? Dont you ever... ever... *ever* point another finger at my kids again, because if you do, I will break it off and shove it right up your sphincter.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– death

Krazee-Eyez Killa: Wanda aint gon find out shit! This between... you my nigga, right? This between me and you!Larry: Yes, Im your nigger.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

Leon: Get in that ass, Larry!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000–

Jeff Greene: [referring to Larry] Hes a victim of circumstance.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000–

Richard Lewis: [after Larry asks for his meditating style back] No, you cant be an East Indian giver.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

Cheryl: Actually, this weekend is the big NRDC benefit weve been working on for months, Alanis Morisette is going to be there...Wanda: Why dont we just call the terrorists and ask them to pick a weekend more suitable for you?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– work

Hugh Mellon: Larry!Larry: Hugh!Hugh Mellon: Tell me youre enjoyin yourself!Larry: No!Hugh Mellon: Glad you could make it.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– joy

Wanda: I thought Id never say this but Larry is right

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– thought

[repeated line]Cheryl: Why would you do that?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean youre not going to pause it?Jeff Greene: Im not a pauser, I dont like pausing.Larry David: Well, thats rude, Ill miss it.Jeff Greene: Ill rewind it when you come back.Larry David: Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and itll give it away!Jeff Greene: Theres no story! Give what away? Theres bosoms! Thats it!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– sin

[Larry receives flowers from a doctor he promised to give 5, 000 dollars to]Cheryl: Are those from your mistress and you just havent told me?Larry: I wish.[He gives the flower guy a tip]Cheryl: Did you give him a five thousand dollar tip?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

Larry: Were going to put sweet potatoes on the menu... because you cant find sweet potatoes anywhere else, have you noticed that.Cheryl: Oh, everyones noticed that.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– men

[Larry has just offended a rabbi]Nat David: He doesnt know what hes doing.Cheryls Mom: He really doesnt.Cheryl: No, hes...Larry: What do they say in The Bible? He knows not... whereof he... Rabbi: Dont try, dont try to quote The Bible.Larry: ... he speaks not?... Rabbi: Just, just dont try...Larry: ... forked tongue?... He knows not whereof he... whence he speaks?... Cheryls Mom: Okay!Nat David: Larry... if you could be quiet.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– quote

[Larry and Cheryl - and their parents - are talking to the rabbi about renewing their vows]Rabbi: Right, so then uh, Ill, uh... do the blessing, uh, the last blessing, just a little bit of Hebrew, and then I will put the glass on the floor, and well step on it, and thatll be it.Cheryls Dad: Thats when everybody yells a matzoh toff?Rabbi: No no, its mazeltov. It means good luck.Cheryls Dad: Could we say yippee! or something?Cheryls Mom: Or good luck or something?Cheryls Dad: Hallelujah would be good.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– good

Richard: Youre looking at my girlfriends breasts!Larry: First of all, Richard, theyre not breasts. Theyre not breasts, theyre just big chemical balls, okay?

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– friends

Larry: [Larry is making small talk during a long, boring car ride with Cheryl] You ever had a fresh grape? Huh? Ive had... Ive had fresh *apples*. Never had a fresh *grape*. Never... had a fresh *cherry*. Never had a fresh *pear*. Never *seen* a pear. Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

Larry David: [to Cheryl, while they are sitting, waiting for the Dansons to call] They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We dont want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, its a courtesy, its a little respect. This is very disrespectful.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– respect

Larry David: What are you doing there?Man: A little plumbing.Larry David: A little plumbing! Got to plumb! Plumb the depths! The depths of hell!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– man

Larry David: Have you ever played telephone before? You dont even know how to play telephone, do you?Cheryl: I *do* know how to play telephone.Larry David: Oh, do you?Cheryl: Yeah, but I usually play the G version. Its usually something like, Susie lives down the lane.Larry David: The kid didnt say Susie lives down the lane, he said I love tits!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– love

Cheryl: Hi, Wandering Bear.Wandering Bear: Hello. How is... your vagina?Cheryl: Its... getting better.Wandering Bear: Good!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– good

Larry David: [considering whether he should give one of his kidneys to Richard Lewis] I gotta choose healthier friends...

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– friends

[repeated line]Larry David: Hey, let me ask you something.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– you

Leon Black: Barack Obama! Im the president of hittin that ass!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000–

Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis for his kidney transplant.Jeff Greene: Goodnight, nurse...Nurse: Goodnight.Jeff Greene: Its just a saying.Nurse: I never heard of it.Jeff Greene: Its an old one.Nurse: Thats nice.Jeff Greene: It is.Nurse: I know it is.Jeff Greene: Do you?Nurse: Do *you*?Jeff Greene: I do.Nurse: Good for you.Jeff Greene: It is good for me.Nurse: Oh, you think so?Jeff Greene: I know so.Nurse: Im glad.Jeff Greene: So am I.Nurse: That makes two of us.Jeff Greene: So you say.Nurse: So I did.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– men

Richard Lewis: Im a lucky man. Im a lucky man to have the two of you guys come through for me. Thank you.Larry David: So there you go, you got your choice, two kidneys. Of course, you know I, uh, I am considerably older than him. Im not gonna, I dont wanna get into that whole game but you know, hes, theres a difference when youre younger obviously.Richard Lewis: Eh, a kidney is a kidney is a kidney.Larry David: Ahaha, Im not so sure about that though. You know, whatever. His are bigger too. Its a big hefty kidney, could just handle a big load I think, you know. You could start drinking again if you wanted to with that thing!Richard Lewis: That, uh, that hurt my feelings a little bit. 11 years sober? Thank you.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– art

[In the womens room, which Larry had to use, he puts his water bottle in his pants instead of the trash to avoid being recognized]Producers daughter: [enters] Hi mister. Thanks for fixing my doll.[hugs him]Larry: Aww, dont worry about it sweetheart.Producers daughter: [looks at him, scared, and runs out] Mommy, mommy. The old mans in the bathroom, and hes got something hard in his pants.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– women

Girl: [a girl hugs Larry for fixing her doll and Larry has just stuffed a water bottle in his pants] Mommy, mommy! The bald mans in the bathroom and theres something hard in his pants!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– man

Larry: Alright, lets roll!Rabbi: What? Lets roll? What did you say?Larry: What?Rabbi: You knew my brother-in-law died on September 11th! How dare you say something like that!Larry: With all due respect, wasnt that just a coincidence?Rabbi: Oh, what the...Larry: Alright, poor choice of words...Rabbi: What the hell kind of a...Larry: Alright, thats long gone...Rabbi: You know, I dont wanna do this. Forget it. Forget it.Larry: Oh, I didnt know, I didnt know that if you, that if you, you died UPTOWN on 9/11 that it was, that it was part of it, uh... the tragedy.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– art

Larry David: The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– sin

[upon finding out his birth parents are Christian][in horror]Larry David: Oh, my God. Im gentile.

— Curb Your Enthusiasm TV Series 2000– god

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