Dave Barry

#4051 Dave Barry

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. .

Dave Barry Quotes about humor
#4052 Dave Barry

We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government. .

Dave Barry Quotes about power
#4053 Dave Barry

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. .

Dave Barry Quotes about art
#4054 Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. .

Dave Barry Quotes about wealth
#4055 Dave Barry

The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that: Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere. But we are. Ha-ha-ha. .

Dave Barry Quotes about wit
#4056 Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. .

Dave Barry Quotes about history
#4058 Dave Barry

First German: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Second German: I don't know! How many? First German: Let's invade Poland and find out! Millions of Other Germans: Okay! .

Dave Barry Quotes about people
#4059 Dave Barry

The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family. .

Dave Barry Quotes about family
#4060 Dave Barry

We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out. .

Dave Barry Quotes about art
#4061 Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. .

Dave Barry Quotes about art
#68886 Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. .

Dave Barry Quotes about universe
#68887 Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. .

Dave Barry Quotes about body
#68888 Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. .

Dave Barry Quotes about water
#68889 Dave Barry

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. .

Dave Barry Quotes about man
#68890 Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. .

Dave Barry Quotes about you
#68891 Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. .

Dave Barry Quotes about history
#68892 Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. .

Dave Barry Quotes about man
#68893 Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition. .

Dave Barry
#68894 Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. .

Dave Barry Quotes about future
#68895 Dave Barry

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. .

Dave Barry Quotes about wit
#68896 Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. .

Dave Barry Quotes about believe
#68897 Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. .

Dave Barry Quotes about sleep
#68898 Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' .

Dave Barry Quotes about man
#68899 Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. .

Dave Barry
#68900 Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. .

Dave Barry Quotes about art
#68901 Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. .

Dave Barry Quotes about you
#68902 Dave Barry

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. .

Dave Barry Quotes about football
#68903 Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. .

Dave Barry Quotes about body
#68904 Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. .

Dave Barry Quotes about religion
#68905 Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. .

Dave Barry Quotes about nature
#68906 Dave Barry

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin. .

Dave Barry Quotes about country
#68907 Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. .

Dave Barry Quotes about world
#68908 Dave Barry

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. .

Dave Barry Quotes about power
#68909 Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. .

Dave Barry Quotes about people
#68910 Dave Barry

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. .

Dave Barry Quotes about travel

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