Deadpool 2016

Deadpool: Hows the Kullen coming along? Ikea doesnt assemble itself, you know.Blind Al: Youre telling me. I dont mind the Kullen. Its an improvement on the Hurdal.Deadpool: Please. Anythings an improvement over the Hurdal. Id have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal.[sighs]Deadpool: No, I didnt get excited until I saw the Kullen.Blind Al: Screw, please.Deadpool: Here? Now? Just kidding. I know its been decades.Blind Al: Youd be surprised.Deadpool: Pretty grossed out.

— Deadpool 2016 mind

Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.Wade Wilson: No, youre blind.

— Deadpool 2016 love

Deadpool: And you are...?Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? Thats the coolest name ever!

— Deadpool 2016 war

Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasnt having it.[Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if hes just a bad parent.

— Deadpool 2016 lies

Deadpool: [to the audience] I know right? Youre probably thinking Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I cant tell you his name, but it rhymes with pullverine.[In an Australian accent]Deadpool: And lemme tell you, hes got a nice pair of smooth criminals down unda.

— Deadpool 2016 thinking

[from leaked test footage]Deadpool: Crimes the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!

— Deadpool 2016 men

Colossus: You will come talk with professor Xavier.Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.

— Deadpool 2016 war

Deadpool: Wow, this is such a big house, but I only ever see the two of you here. Its like the studio didnt have enough money for any more X-Men...

— Deadpool 2016 money

Deadpool: [farts] Hashtag drive-by.

— Deadpool 2016 art

Deadpool: [waving his broken wrists] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!

— Deadpool 2016 fear

Deadpool: [to Angel Dust] Youre way too much man for me. Thats why I brought him![Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]Deadpool: I mean, thats why I brought HER![points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]Deadpool: No, finish your Tweet. Just give us a second here.Deadpool: Go get im, Tiger![Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex...

— Deadpool 2016 war

Weasel: [Wade has just shown Weasel what he looks like after his mutation] You are haunting. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.Wade Wilson: Thank you.

— Deadpool 2016 sex

Vanessa Carlysle: I love you, Wade Wilson. We can fight this.Wade Wilson: Youre right. Cancers only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without.

— Deadpool 2016 love

Deadpool: Im gonna do to your face what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s!

— Deadpool 2016 music

[Thugs surround the SUV that Deadpool attacked. A window opens... ]Deadpool: [raises his hands] WAIT! You may be wondering why the red suit. Well, thats so bad guys dont see me bleed.[points at a thug on the left]Deadpool: This guys got the right idea... He wore the brown pants!

— Deadpool 2016 wonder

[from leaked test footage]Deadpool: Theres no easy way to say this... Im pregnant, Trevor!

— Deadpool 2016 age

[after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns]Deadpool: Ahhhh. Im touching myself tonight.

— Deadpool 2016 people

Recruiter: What if I told you we can make you better? Youre a fighter. We can give you abilities most men only dream of. Make you a superhero.Wade Wilson: Just promise me youll do right by me, so I can do right by someone else. And dont make the super suit green. Or animated!

— Deadpool 2016 men

Deadpool: [Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand] Ahhh! Your poor wife!

— Deadpool 2016 you

[Looking at his slowly regrowing baby hand]Wade Wilson: I bet its going to feel really big in that hand later...

— Deadpool 2016 win

Weasel: [to Deadpool before he heads out on a suicide mission to save Venessa] Id go with you, but... I dont want to.

— Deadpool 2016 suicide

Deadpool: A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? Thats like, sixteen walls.

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: Daddy needs to express some rage.[starts firing his guns]

— Deadpool 2016 art

[in the midst of a car crash]Deadpool: Shit, did I leave the stove on?

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: [Shoving cars cigarette lighter into goons mouth] Ive never said this to anyone before, but dont swallow!

— Deadpool 2016 light

Deadpool: [shot in the butt] Right up Main Street!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: [laughing maniacally] Thats right! Youre about to be killed by a zamboni! Youre going to die... in five minutes!

— Deadpool 2016 man

Deadpool: [Trying to come up with his name] CAPTAIN DEADPOOL!... Okay, just, just Deadpool.

— Deadpool 2016 dead

[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: I didnt just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.

— Deadpool 2016 dead

[from leaked test footage]Deadpool: Oh, hello there! I bet youre wondering, why the red suit? Well, thats so bad guys cant see me bleed![spots a convoy of mercenaries]Deadpool: Lets hope these guys are wearing their brown pants...

— Deadpool 2016 hope

Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?

— Deadpool 2016 christ

Deadpool: Thats because its Christmas Day, Dopinder, and Im after someone on my naughty list!

— Deadpool 2016 christ

Wade Wilson: I want to die a natural death at the age of 102 - like the city of Detroit.

— Deadpool 2016 death

Colossus: We cant allow this, Deadpool.Deadpool: I dont have time for your X-Men bullshit, Colossus! Besides, nobodys getting hurt![a dead body falls off an overhead traffic sign]Deadpool: That guy was up there before I got here.

— Deadpool 2016 time

Wade Wilson: I dont want to go to Mexico for treatment. Do you know what the Spanish word is for cancer?Weasel: No.Wade Wilson: El cancer.

— Deadpool 2016 men

Deadpool: [his head smashed into back of drivers seat] Rich Corinthian leather.

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: [to Colossus] You big, chrome cock-gobbler!

— Deadpool 2016 loss

[from leaked test footage]Deadpool: [singing to Hollaback Girl on the radio] I heard that you were talking shit / And you didnt think that Id hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my shit, this my shit / This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...

— Deadpool 2016 people

[Fires at Ajax multiple times and misses]Deadpool: Bad Deadpool![Shoots another bad guy in the head]Deadpool: Good Deadpool.

— Deadpool 2016 time

Weasel: [Upon seeing Wades face] You will die alone, if you could die... ideally, for others sakes.

— Deadpool 2016 alone

Deadpool: [In the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this man?[holds up a crude crayon drawing of Francis]

— Deadpool 2016 man

Deadpool: [to Colossus] Tell Beast to quit shitting on my lawn!

— Deadpool 2016 loss

Deadpool: Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so youre all going to have to share!

— Deadpool 2016 you

Blind Al: Looks arent everything.Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? Its like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.Deadpool: No. Youre blind.

— Deadpool 2016 love

Deadpool: It reeks like old lady pants in here.Blind Al: Well I am an old lady, and I wear pants.

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: [Ripping his own underwear out of his pants to make a white flag] Look away! LOOK AWAY CHILD!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Strip Club DJ: Give it up for Chastity.

— Deadpool 2016

[repeated line]Deadpool: Maximum effort!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Strip Club DJ: You cant buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!

— Deadpool 2016 love

[the one scene where they dont have sex]Wade Wilson: Happy Lent.Vanessa Carlysle: Happy Lent dear.

— Deadpool 2016 sex

Deadpool: [Cutting off his arm and spraying blood in Colussus face] Are you there God? Its me, Margaret!

— Deadpool 2016 god

Deadpool: Cock-Shot!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: [looks at the screen] Cue the music!

— Deadpool 2016 music

Ajax: One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.Wade Wilson: Oh, well see about about that Posh Spice. Oh, come on. Youre gonna leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie ODonnell?

— Deadpool 2016 humor

[first lines]Deadpool: Its kind of lonesome back here.[wedges himself through the Plexiglas opening between the back seat and the front]Deadpool: A little help here.

— Deadpool 2016 self

Deadpool: I shouldve come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he aint the same one that you remember.Vanessa Carlysle: You mean this mask?[takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]Deadpool: And this one, in case the other fell off.[she peels off the mask]Vanessa Carlysle: Wow.Wade Wilson: Yeah.Vanessa Carlysle: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, its a face... Id be happy to sit on.

— Deadpool 2016 men

Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?Wade Wilson: Lets recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

— Deadpool 2016 sex

Deadpool: [to The Recruiter] Hey Jared! Ill take a footlong, fully loaded!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Vanessa Carlysle: Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.Wade Wilson: Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this?[looking at his Voltron ring]Wade Wilson: FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!Vanessa Carlysle: Five mini lion bots?[deadpans]Vanessa Carlysle: Three minutes.Wade Wilson: Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?Vanessa Carlysle: [pause] Cuddle?

— Deadpool 2016 hate

Wade Wilson: [voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Heres the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.[Wade collapses]

— Deadpool 2016 life

Wade Wilson: [Looking at a text from Ajax] What is that?Weasel: Thats the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long...

— Deadpool 2016 thought

Deadpool: [to Vanessa] If I never see you again, know that I love you.

— Deadpool 2016 love

Vanessa Carlysle: Ive played a lot of roles, damsel in distress aint one of them.[punches Ajax]

— Deadpool 2016 stress

Recruiter: Mr. Wilson.Wade Wilson: How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.

— Deadpool 2016 children

Blind Al: Looks arent everything.Wade Wilson: Looks *are* everything. You ever heard David Beckham speak? Its like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?

— Deadpool 2016 sex

Colossus: Do you have off switch?Deadpool: Yeah, its right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?

— Deadpool 2016 loss

Deadpool: Cancer is like Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair.

— Deadpool 2016 ya

Wade Wilson: [to Ajax] You got something in your teeth.

— Deadpool 2016 you

[repeated line]Ajax: Whats my name?

— Deadpool 2016

Ajax: We have everything we need now.Weasel: You sure? You dont want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade 2.

— Deadpool 2016 night

Deadpool: I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve cause Ima go lookin!Ajax: You grow back body parts now, Wade? When Im finished, parts will have to grow back you.

— Deadpool 2016 hope

Wade Wilson: Vanessas already working on plans A, B, through Z. Me? Im trying to memorize the details of her face, like its the first time Im seeing it... or the last.

— Deadpool 2016 time

Dopinder: Knock em dead, pool boy!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Deadpool: Theres the money shot, baby.

— Deadpool 2016 money

Strip Club DJ: Hey. Coming on to our stage right now... give it up for Chastity!Weasel: Or as I like to call her... Irony.

— Deadpool 2016 age

Weasel: Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful! What can I do for you?Deadpool: Id love to get a blowjob.Weasel: Me too.Deadpool: The drink!Weasel: Alright, Kalua, Baileys and whipped cream, I give you a blowjob. Why do you make me make that?

— Deadpool 2016 love

Weasel: I would go with you, but... I dont want to.

— Deadpool 2016 you

Deadpool: [to the audience in the after credits scene] Youre still here? Its over. Go home! Oh, youre expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we dont have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.Credits: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.Deadpool: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and its a bit of a secret. In the sequel, were gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who were gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, shes got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and dont leave your garbage all lying around. Its a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.

— Deadpool 2016 time

Deadpool: Shit! I forgot the ammo!

— Deadpool 2016 dead

Colossus: [Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax] Colossus: Wade! Four or five moments.Deadpool: Deadpool: Sorry?Colossus: Colossus: Four or five moments - thats all it takes to become a hero. Everyone thinks its a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when youre offered a choice to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend - spare an enemy. In these moments everything else falls away...Colossus: [Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him] Colossus:[vomits humourously]Colossus: Really? Was that necessary?Deadpool: Deadpool: You were droning on!

— Deadpool 2016 life

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