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Discworld

To Rincewinds annoyance the Luggage barrelled after her, cushioning its fall by dropping heavily onto a slaver, and adding to the sudden panic of the invaders because, while it was bad enough to be attacked with deadly and ferocious accuracy by a rather pretty girl in a white dress with flowers on it, it was even worse for the male ego to be tripped up and beaten by a travel accessory; it was pretty bad for all the rest of the male, too.
Discworld travel
It wasnt blood in general he couldnt stand the sight of, it was just his blood in particular that was so upsetting.
Discworld art
Of course, Ankh-Morporks citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure in any case. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
Discworld man
My father always said that death is but a sleep, said Conina. Yes, the hat told me that, said Rincewind, as they turned down a narrow, crowded street between white adobe walls. But the way I see it, its a lot harder to get up in the morning.
Discworld death
My father always said that it was pointless to undertake a direct attack against an enemy extensively armed with efficient projectile weapons, she said. Rincewind, who knew Cohens normal method of speech, gave her a look of disbelief. Well, what he actually said, she added, was never enter an arsekicking contest with a porcupine.
Discworld belief
The Hashishim, who derived their name from the vast quantities of hashish they consumed, were unique among vicious killers in being both deadly and, at the same time, inclined to giggle, groove to interesting patterns of light and shade on their terrible knife blades and, in extreme cases, fall over.
Discworld time
A popular spell at the time was Pelepels Temporal Compressor, which on one occasion resulted in a race of giant reptiles being created, evolving, spreading, flourishing and then being destroyed in the space of about five minutes, leaving only its bones in the earth to mislead forthcoming generations completely.
Discworld time
The truth isnt easily pinned to a page. In the bathtub of history the truth is harder to hold than the soap, and much more difficult to find
Discworld truth
I dont trust this man, said Nijel. I try not to judge from first impressions, but I definitely think hes up to no good. He had you thrown in a snake pit! Perhaps I should have taken the hint.
Discworld trust
Wizards didnt kill ordinary people because a they seldom noticed them and b it wasnt considered sporting and c besides, whod do all the cooking and growing food and things. And killing a brother wizard with magic was nigh-well impossible on account of the layers of protective spells that any cautious wizard maintained about his person at all times.*
Discworld time
Some people think this is paranoia, but it isnt. Paranoids only think everyone is out to get them. Wizards know it.
Discworld people
Im not going to ride on a magic carpet! he hissed. Im afraid of grounds! You mean heights, said Conina. And stop being silly. I know what I mean! Its the grounds that kill you!
Discworld magic
Many people who had got to know Rincewind had come to treat him as a sort of two-legged miners canary, and tended to assume that if Rincewind was still upright and not actually running then some hope remained.
Discworld hope
This is fun, said Creosote. Me, robbing my own treasury. If I catch myself I can have myself flung into the snake pit. But you could throw yourself on your mercy, said Conina, running a paranoid eye over the dusty stonework. Oh, no. I think I would have to teach me a lesson, as an example to myself.
Discworld work
I cant hear anything, said Nijel loudly. Nijel was one of those people who, if you say dont look now, would immediately swivel his head like an owl on a turntable.
Discworld people
Too much magic could wrap time and space around itself, and that wasnt good news for the kind of person who had grown used to things like effects following things like causes.
Discworld time
They suffered from the terrible delusion that something could be done. They seemed prepared to make the world the way they wanted or die in the attempt, and the trouble with dying in the attempt was that you died in the attempt.
Discworld world
Wizards dont like philosophy very much. As far as they are concerned, one hand clapping makes a sound like cl.
Discworld philosophy
Quick, you must come with me, she said. Youre in great danger! Why? Because I will kill you if you dont.
Discworld anger
I meant, said Ipslore, bitterly, what is there in this world that makes living worth while? Death thought about it. Cats, he said eventually, Cats are nice.
Discworld death
The Luggage might be magical. It might be terrible. But in its enigmatic soul it was kin to every other piece of luggage throughout the multiverse, and preferred to spend its winters hibernating on top of a wardrobe.
Discworld war
Rincewind stared into the frothy remnants of his last beer, and then, with extreme care in case the top of his head fell off, leaned down and poured some into a saucer for the Luggage. It was lurking under the table, which was a relief. It usually embarrassed him in bars by sidling up to drinkers and terrorizing them into feeding it crisps.
Discworld age
The subject of wizards and sex is a complicated one, but as has already indicated it does, in essence, boil down to this: when it comes to wine, women and song, wizards are allowed to get drunk and croon as much as they like.
Discworld women
How can the effect be described with delicacy and taste? For most of the wizards, it was like being an elderly man who, suddenly faced by a beautiful young woman, finds to his horror and delight and astonishment that the flesh is suddenly as willing as the spirit.
Discworld men
And I didnt bother with chapter six, because I promised my mother Id just stick with the looting and pillaging, until I find the right girl.
Discworld mother
Its vital to remember who you really are. Its very important. It isnt a good idea to rely on other people or things to do it for you, you see. They always get it wrong.Rincewind
Discworld people
A tiny sun and moon spin around them, on a complicated orbit to induce seasons, so probably nowhere else in the multiverse is it sometimes necessary for an elephant to cock a leg to allow the sun to go past. Exactly why this should be may never be known. Possibly the Creator of the universe got bored with all the usual business of axial inclination, albedos and rotational velocities, and decided to have a bit of fun for once.
Discworld time
No gods anywhere play chess. They havent got the imagination. Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight to Oblivion; A key to the understanding of all religion is that a gods idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
Discworld god
The calendar of the Theocracy of Muntab counts down, not up. No-one knows why, but it might not be a good idea to hang around and find out.
Discworld good
It was dawning on him that the pleasures of the flesh were pretty sparse without the flesh. Suddenly life wasnt worth living. The fact that he wasnt living it didnt cheer him up at all.
Discworld life
Granny Weatherwax didnt hold with looking at the future, but now she could feel the future looking at her. She didnt like its expression at all.
Discworld future
The days followed one another patiently. Right back at the beginning of the multiverse they had tried all passing at the same time, and it hadnt worked.
Discworld time
Demons were like genies or philosophy professors — if you didnt word things exactly right, they delighted in giving you absolutely accurate and completely misleading answers.
Discworld philosophy
Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldnt trust it. Often you couldnt even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else — coincidence, maybe, or providence.
Discworld funny
This was real. This was more real even than reality. This was history. It might not be true, but that had nothing to do with it.
Discworld history
Greebos grin gradually faded, until there was nothing left but the cat. This was nearly as spooky as the other way round.
Discworld cat
Actors, said Granny, witheringly. As if the world werent full of enough history without inventing more.
Discworld history
There must be a hundred silver dollars in here, moaned Boggis, waving a purse. I mean, thats not my league. Thats not my class. I cant handle that sort of money. Youve got to be in the Guild of Lawyers or something to steal that much.
Discworld money
Id like to know if I could compare you to a summers day. Because — well, June 12th was quite nice, andOh. Youve gone.
Discworld you
Tis not right, a woman going into such places by herself. Granny nodded. She thoroughly approved of such sentiments so long as there was, of course, no suggestion that they applied to her.
Discworld time
The famous Battle of Morpork, he strongly suspected had consisted of about two thousand men lost in a swamp on a cold, wet day, hacking one another into oblivion with rusty swords. What would the last King of Ankh have said to a pack of ragged men who knew they were outnumbered, outflanked and outgeneralled? Something with bite, something with edge, something like a drink of brandy to a dying man; no logic, no explanation, just words that would reach right down through a tired mans brain and pull him to his feet by his testicles.
Discworld words
It occurred to her that in addition to being a collection of other things, the forest was a thing in itself. Alive, only not alive in the way that, say, a shrew was alive.
Discworld self
All assassins had a full-length mirror in their rooms, because it would be a terrible insult to anyone to kill them when you were badly dressed. p. 5
Discworld sin
There was not a lot that could be done to make Morpork a worse place. A direct hit by a meteorite, for example, would count as gentrification. p. 6
Discworld cat
The important thing is not how many people you inhume, it’s how many fail to inhume you. pp. 20-21
Discworld people
Kiddo? Ill have you know the blood of Pharaohs runs in my veins! The other boy looked at him unabashed, with his head on one side and a faint smile on his face. Would you like it to stay there? he said. p. 22
Discworld smile
His mother, as far as he could remember, had been a pleasant woman and as self-centred as a gyroscope. p. 29
Discworld self
It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was, of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free. p. 35
Discworld life
Look into the face of a man who will kill you for a belief and your nostrils will snuff up the scent of abomination. Hear a speech declaring a holy war and, I assure you, your ears should catch the clink of evil’s scales and the dragging of its monstrous tail over the purity of the language. p. 46
Discworld war
The culture of the river kingdom had a lot to say about death and what happened afterward. In fact it had very little to say about life, regarding it as a sort of inconvenient prelude to the main event and something to be hurried through as politely as possible. p. 56
Discworld life
The king looked surprised. I understood that Death came as a three-headed giant scarab beetle, he said. Death shrugged. Well. Now you know. p. 56
Discworld death
“Are you all right, O jeweled master of the sun?” one of them ventured. “No, Im not,” snapped the king, who was having some of his basic assumptions about the universe severely rattled, and that never puts anyone in a good mood. p. 59
Discworld universe
Funny, that. When he was alive it had all seemed so sensible, so obvious. Now he was dead it looked a huge waste of effort. p. 71
Discworld funny
Ritual and ceremony in their due times kept the world under the sky and the stars in their courses. It was astonishing what ritual and ceremony could do. p. 77
Discworld time
Those first pyramids had been built by human beings, little bags of thinking water held up briefly by fragile accumulations of calcium, who had cut rocks into pieces and then painfully put them back together again in a better shape. p. 96
Discworld pain
A few stars had been let out early. Teppic looked up at them. Perhaps, he thought, there is life somewhere else. On the stars, maybe. If it’s true that there are billions of universes stacked alongside one another, the thickness of a thought apart, then there must be people elsewhere. But wherever they are, no matter how mightily they try, no matter how magnificent the effort, they surely can’t manage to be as godawfully stupid as us. I mean, we work at it. We were given a spark of it to start with, but over hundreds of thousands of years we’ve really improved on it. p. 96
Discworld life
You scrimped and saved to send them to the best schools, and then they went and paid you back by getting educated. p. 100
Discworld school
Therefore I will have dinner sent in, said the priest. It will be roast chicken. I hate chicken. Dios smiled. No sire. On Wednesdays the King always enjoys chicken, sire. p. 132
Discworld joy
Mere animals couldnt possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid. p. 135
Discworld man
It’s a fact as immutable as the Third Law of Sod that there is no such thing as a good Grand Vizier. A predilection to cackle and plot is apparently part of the job spec. High priests tend to get put in the same category. They have to face the implied assumption that no sooner do they get the funny hat than they’re issuing strange orders, e.g., princesses tied to rocks for itinerant sea monsters and throwing little babies in the sea. This is a gross slander. Throughout the history of the Disc most high priests have been serious, pious and conscientious men who have done their best to interpret the wishes of the gods, sometimes disembowelling or flaying alive hundreds of people in a day in order to make sure they’re getting it absolutely right. p. 144
Discworld god
“Well, yes,” said the IIa, very embarrassed, because interfering with the divine flow of money was alien to his personal religion. p. 154
Discworld religion
Its not for nothing that advanced mathematics tends to be invented in hot countries. Its because of the morphic resonance of all the camels, who have that disdainful expression and famous curled lip as a natural result of an ability to do quadratic equations. p. 171
Discworld mathematics
Camels gallop by throwing their feet as far away from them as possible and then running to keep up. p. 175
Discworld running
Belief is a force. It’s a weak force, by comparison with gravity; when it comes to moving mountains, gravity wins every time. p. 202
Discworld time
No one is more worried by the actual physical manifestation of a god than his priests; it’s like having the auditors in unexpectedly. p. 203
Discworld god
Teppic stared into his wine mug. These men are philosophers, he thought. They had told him so. So their brains must be so big that they have room for ideas that no one else would consider for five seconds. On the way to the tavern Xeno had explained to him, for example, why it was logically impossible to fall out of a tree. p. 213
Discworld men
They are great minds, he told himself. These are men who are trying to work out how the world fits together, not by magic, not by religion, but just by inserting their brains in whatever crack they can find and trying to lever it apart. p. 225
Discworld religion
The Ephebians made wine out of anything they could put in a bucket, and ate anything that couldnt climb out of one. p. 226
Discworld win
Nature abhors dimensional abnormalities, and seals them neatly away so that they dont upset people. Nature, in fact, abhors a lot of things, including vacuums, ships called the Marie Celeste, and the chuck keys for electric drills. p. 230
Discworld nature
Ptraci didn’t just derail the train of thought, she ripped up the rails, burned the stations and melted the bridges for scrap. p. 243
Discworld thought
“Youre a criminal?” said Teppic. “Well, criminal’s a dirty word, know what I mean?” said the little ancestor. “Id prefer entrepreneur. I was ahead of my time, that’s my trouble.” p. 246
Discworld time
Battle elephants! Teppic groaned. Tsort went in for battle elephants, too. Battle elephants were the fashion lately. They weren’t much good for anything except trampling on their own when they inevitably panicked, so the military minds on both sides had responded by breeding bigger elephants. Elephants were impressive. p. 256
Discworld mind
The crowds were still outside. Religion had ruled in the Old Kingdom for the best part of seven thousand years. Behind the eyes of every priest present was a graphic image of what would happen if the people ever thought, for one moment, that it ruled no more. pp. 270-271
Discworld religion
Dios sat on the steps of the throne and stared gloomily at the floor. The gods didn’t listen. He knew that. He knew that, of all people. But it had never mattered before. It was the ritual that was important, not the gods. The gods were there to do the duties of a megaphone, because who else would people listen to? p. 271
Discworld god
The trouble with gods is that after enough people start believing in them, they begin to exist. And what begins to exist isn’t what was originally intended. p. 297
Discworld god
What he wanted, he decided, was a priest. They had to be useful for something, and this seemed the sort of time one might need one. For solace, or possibly, he felt obscurely, to beat their head in with a rock. p. 303
Discworld time
She had a number of stoutly-held views on a variety of subjects, but most of them involved the flaying alive of people she disapproved of. This meant most people under the age of thirty-five, to start with. p. 310
Discworld art
It’s a mistake trying to cheer up camels. You may as well drop meringues into a black hole. p. 319
Discworld you
Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isnt believing. Its where belief stops, because it isnt needed any more.
Discworld wisdom
From here he could see past the long, low bulk of the palace and across the river to the Great Pyramid itself. It was almost hidden in dark clouds, but what he could see of it was definitely wrong. He knew it had four sides, and he could see all eight of them. It seemed to be moving in and out of focus, which he felt instinctively was a dangerous thing for several million tons of rock to do.
Discworld past
However, it is well known that most people dont listen. They use the time when someone else is speaking to think of what theyre going to say next.
Discworld time
They may be called the Palace Guard, the City Guard, or the Patrol. Whatever the name, their purpose in any work of heroic fantasy is identical: it is, round about Chapter Three or ten minutes into the film to rush into the room, attack the hero one at a time, and be slaughtered. No one ever asks them if they want to. This book is dedicated to those fine men. Dedication
Discworld time
The relevant equation is: Knowledge = power = energy = matter = mass; a good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. p. 3
Discworld knowledge
There was a thoughtful pause in the conversation as the assembled Brethren mentally divided the universe into the deserving and the undeserving, and put themselves on the appropriate side. pp. 13-14
Discworld men
It is said that the gods play games with the lives of men. But what games, and why, and the identities of the actual pawns, and what the game is, and what the rules are—who knows? Best not to speculate. Thunder rolled It rolled a six. p. 21
Discworld god
He is also bearing a sword presented to him in mysterious circumstances. Very mysterious circumstances. Surprisingly, therefore, there is something very unexpected about this sword. It isn’t magical. It hasn’t got a name. When you wield it you don’t get a feeling of power, you just get blisters; you could believe it was a sword that had been used so much that it had ceased to be anything other than a quintessential sword, a long piece of metal with very sharp edges. And it hasn’t got destiny written all over it. It’s practically unique, in fact. p. 21
Discworld power
Vimes opened his eyes. There was a moment of empty peace before memory hit him like a shovel. p. 22
Discworld peace
“In a manner of speaking, yes,” said his father. “In another manner of speaking, which is a rather more precise and accurate manner of speaking, no.” p. 23
Discworld man
All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional. p. 25
Discworld war
“I don’t think they have a king there,” said Varneshi. “Just some man who tells them what to do.” The king of the dwarfs tool this calmly. This seemed to be about ninety-seven percent of the definition of kingship, as far as he was concerned. p. 28
Discworld war
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming “Arrrrrrgh!” and axing their legs off at the knee. p. 28
Discworld war
People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else. p. 32
Discworld people
The guard gave him what could loosely be called an old-fashioned look. It was practically neolithic. p. 32
Discworld fashion
The Watch hadn’t like it, but the plain fact was that the thieves were far better at controlling crime than the Watch had ever been. After all, the Watch had to work twice as hard to cut crime just a little, whereas all the Guild had to do was to work less. p. 45
Discworld work
“You remember?” Vimes tried to. It wasn’t easy. He was vaguely aware that he drank to forget. What made it rather pointless was that he couldn’t remember what it was he was forgetting anymore. In the end he just drank to forget about drinking. p. 49
Discworld war
His age was indeterminate. But in cynicism and general world weariness, which is a sort of carbon dating of the personality, he was about seven thousand years old. p. 55
Discworld world
Es fighting in there! he stuttered, grabbing the captains arm. All by himself? said the captain. No, with everyone! shouted Nobby, hopping from one foot to the other. pp. 67-68
Discworld self
It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military maneuvers, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top of. p. 70
Discworld history
Have another drink, not-Corporal Nobby? said Sergeant Colon unsteadily. I do not mind if I do, not-Sgt. Colon, said Nobby. p. 99
Discworld mind
He couldnt help remembering how much hed wanted a puppy when he was a little boy. Mind you, theyd been starving — anything with meat on it would have done. p. 106
Discworld mind

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