Evan Almighty 2007

God: Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

— Evan Almighty 2007 love

God: How do we change the world?Evan Baxter: One single act of random kindness at a time.God: [spoken while writing A-R-K on ground with a stick] One Act, of, Random, Kindness.

— Evan Almighty 2007 god

[Evan is driving to work]Evan Baxter: I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome-[Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere]Evan Baxter: AAGGGHHHHH! AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!God: [smiling] Let it out, son. Its the beginning of wisdom.Evan Baxter: How did you get in here? Dah! Im calling the cops.God: No wait. Look-look-look. Theres one right there.[Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]Evan Baxter: Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car![the officer turns his head, revealing that he is God]Officer God: Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.[Evan turns around. God has vanished from there. He looks and sees God crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]

— Evan Almighty 2007 wisdom

Congressmen: [reciting the Pledge] I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic, for which it stands-[God suddenly appears right next to Evan]God: One Nation, under Me, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.[looks at Evan]God: How long you wanna do this son? Ive got all eternity.[Evan faints on spot]

— Evan Almighty 2007 god

Joan Baxter: Honey, maybe God didnt mean a literal flood. Maybe he meant a flood of knowledge, or emotion, or awareness.Evan Baxter: If thats true, I am going to be *so pissed*.

— Evan Almighty 2007 god

[as animals appear around Evan, two sheep appear in the backseat of his car]Evan Baxter: SHEEEEEEEEEEEP!

— Evan Almighty 2007 animals

Rita: [upon seeing Evans beard] Evan, what happened? Did you fall in a mine shaft?Evan Baxter: No.Rita: Did you just come out of a coma?Evan Baxter: No.Rita: Were you attacked by a werewolf?Evan Baxter: No, I wasnt.Rita: Well, if you were going for that rugged look, I think you over-shot it.

— Evan Almighty 2007 you

[from trailer]Joan Baxter: You want to build a boat?Evan Baxter: It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I dont know.[looking at his feet, under his breath]Evan Baxter: Be great in case it floods or something...

— Evan Almighty 2007 family

[from trailer]Evan Baxter: [on the ark, addressing a big crowd] People! The flood is imminent![everyone looks around, bewildered, and up at the sunny sky. Evan addresses the heavens]Evan Baxter: Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?

— Evan Almighty 2007 people

Rita: [seeing Evan successfully calling all the animals to the ark] I cant even get my cat to use the litter box.

— Evan Almighty 2007 success

Rita: [after seeing an alpaca spit green stuff] If that comes out your front, I dont even want to know whats coming out the back.

— Evan Almighty 2007 you

[Rita voices her disbelieve in Evans ark]Rita: Look, I go to church every Sunday.[Evan doesnt believe her]Rita: Every other Sunday.[Evan still doesnt believe her]Rita: Ive been to church!

— Evan Almighty 2007 believe

Evan Baxter: I cant shave. Whenever I shave it just grows back!Marty: Thats what happens when you shave. But then you shave again!

— Evan Almighty 2007 art

Joan Baxter: Is that a lama... with a hammer?

— Evan Almighty 2007 wit

Rita: The way things are going, if he gets any crazier, we might end up in the White House.

— Evan Almighty 2007 end

Rita: [Evans clothes have changed into his Noah outfit] Did you just make a wardrobe change? This isnt the Oscars. Youre not Whoopi.

— Evan Almighty 2007 war

[Joan has taken the kids to a diner, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is showing on the TV]Jon Stewart: Hes filling the Ark with two of every kind of animal. Still to be collected: two giraffes, two elephants... and one more jackass.

— Evan Almighty 2007 war

Eugene: [to Evan] I love you!... I mean, I think we should hang out socially... I have a new ping pong table.

— Evan Almighty 2007 love

Rita: Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?

— Evan Almighty 2007 you

God: I now issue a new commandment: Thou shalt do the dance.

— Evan Almighty 2007 god

Rita: Have you been shootin up Rogaine?

— Evan Almighty 2007 you

Evan Baxter: Chicken! September 22nd would be a good day for chicken! Joan, could we have chicken September 22nd midday?

— Evan Almighty 2007 good

Ark Reporter: What makes you think God chose you?Evan Baxter: He chose all of us.

— Evan Almighty 2007 god

Evan Baxter: Do I know you?God: Not as much as Id like.

— Evan Almighty 2007 god

God: [on a piece of paper] Ask, and you receive.

— Evan Almighty 2007 god

Evan Baxter: These birds had a big meal earlier.Rita: Want me to get my BB gun?

— Evan Almighty 2007 lie

Evan Baxter: Eugene said that Long cut corners on building codes.Joan Baxter: Whatre you talking about?Evan Baxter: The lake! Long Lake! Its named after him. Its the lake![sees the dam starting to burst]Evan Baxter: Everybody get on the ark now!

— Evan Almighty 2007 art

Congressman Chuck Long: How?Evan Baxter: The dam. Your reservoir broke, Prestige Crest is no more.Congressman Chuck Long: No, they said that couldnt happen, they... you did this, you set me up!

— Evan Almighty 2007 man

Evan Baxter: [reading Genesis 6:14] Make thee an ark of gopherwood. Gopherwood?

— Evan Almighty 2007 reading

Rita: [after Eugene has said too much] Can I tase him?

— Evan Almighty 2007

Ark Reporter: Its September 22nd and were all still here... awkwarrrd!

— Evan Almighty 2007 war

Rita: [looking up at the Ark which is almost finished] Why couldnt the man just buy a Corvette?

— Evan Almighty 2007 man

Rita: [Referring to Evan Baxter] There he is! The head honcho. The big Kahuna.

— Evan Almighty 2007

Evan Baxter: [he enters his new office] This is nice.Rita: Its too nice. Theres something crooked going on around here.[sarcastically sniffs]Rita: Do you smell anthrax?

— Evan Almighty 2007 you

[Rita sees over the security camera that Evan has shown up to the House conference meeting with his beard braided]Rita: Evan, what are you doing? You have a pony tail on your face! What are you gonna do next? Cornrow your eyebrows?

— Evan Almighty 2007 you

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