Everybody Hates Chris

Julius: If you smell smoke, and you think the house is going to catch fire, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell gas, and you think the house is going to blow up, get your brother and your sister and get out of here. If you smell smoke, and your brother catches on fire, get your sister and get out of here.

— Everybody Hates Chris fire

Narrator: Mr. Palmer was accused of doing something that we cant tell you about because of the network censors. The school settled the lawsuit out of court and hes not allowed to teach anymore. If he moves to your neighborhood, youll get a warning.

— Everybody Hates Chris war

Rochelle Rock: If I ever catch any of yall spray-paintin on anybodys wall, Ill put my foot so far up your behind that youll have toes for teeth!

— Everybody Hates Chris pain

Narrator: He got away with calling me nigger that day. But he said it later in life at a DMX concert and got stomped half to death.

— Everybody Hates Chris life

Julius: We get one combo meal. Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries. Chris, you can have the drink.

— Everybody Hates Chris ya

Narrator: When I was 13, my mom convinced my dad to move us outta the projects. She always said project is just another word for experiment. In a lab, the government gives rats cheese. In the projects, the government gives people cheese.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Narrator: At that moment, I discovered one of lifes greatest secrets -- black guy, plus basketball, equals white girl.

— Everybody Hates Chris life

Narrator: It took us about an hour to get my mother off of Tonyas behind, but eventually, Tonya did eat her sausage. And as for my mother, well, to this very day, she still aint raisin no babies.

— Everybody Hates Chris ya

Chris: All he had to do was see somebody do something and he could copy it. Today you call that a music producer.

— Everybody Hates Chris music

Julius: Rochelle, I feel bad enough about not working. I dont need you around here complaining about how I do things.

— Everybody Hates Chris work

Rochelle: Have you lost your monkey-ass mind? Dinner? Do I look like Florence from The Jeffersons? Get over here and pick this crap up, before I smack the shine off your head!

— Everybody Hates Chris mind

Rochelle: His bike got stolen. I told him not to let anybody ride it. So I smacked him into next week. Hell be back on Tuesday.

— Everybody Hates Chris hell

Narrator: There were about 10 Mikes in my neighborhood: Big Head Mike spent more time in jail than out of jail. White Mike was just a white guy who lived on the block; family didnt have enough money to leave. Tall Mike played ball, Monster Mike just scared kids, and Mike Mike was actually the first Mike that lived on the block, but his real name was Paul.

— Everybody Hates Chris time

Narrator: You would think a guy that gets his ass kicked every day wouldnt leave the house wearing tights.

— Everybody Hates Chris you

Narrator: My mother would never hire anyone she thought was irresponsible. But irresponsible people dont tell you theyre irresponsible. Cause theyre irresponsible!

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Narrator: We didnt know if it was his baby either, but trust me: Aint no black man pickin up a baby that aint his.

— Everybody Hates Chris trust

Chris and Tonya singing to the baby: Its like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder, how I keep from going under.

— Everybody Hates Chris time

Chris: to mom & dad No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! She left us to go get a baby. But when she came back, she burned your chicken, So then, this guy came to the door asking for the baby. He said his name was Mario and he was the babys father. So when he left, she came back, and the baby wasnt here. So,she went to go get the baby back. Her mother came to the door looking for her and the baby. So what they had a big fight about where to live. She said shed live at Marios house. WHO IS MARIO? So then when she came back, she started braiding Tonyas hair. Drew got to watch the game. You guys came back. Shes trying to make it look like everything was all peachy and fine. Its not!

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Narrator: 19-inch TV? Nowadays, guys have those in their headrests. But back then, it was a big deal.

— Everybody Hates Chris day

Narrator: It took me years to find out in order to get a women to do something you gotta tell them the opposite!

— Everybody Hates Chris women

Child Julius: Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter Im gonna keep you and name you Bernard!

— Everybody Hates Chris love

NarratorCR: And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then hed root for anybody with a tan.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Art: Gregory! You got dents all in my sofa. Can you sit in one spot and can you drink out of one glass?

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Rochelle: You might be out there sellin drugs. I mean, you could be the kingpin of a Colombian drug cartel for all I know.

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Narrator: My mother had one goal in life for her kids: dont sell drugs. As long as they werent doin that, almost everything else was gonna be OK.

— Everybody Hates Chris life

FBI Agent: Maam, your son killed the governor, kidnapped his daughter, robbed the President and ran a red light.

— Everybody Hates Chris light

Teenage Tonya: So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you aint takin care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!

— Everybody Hates Chris money

Narrator: If you had a Walkman, you could even listen to bad music, and no one would know . . . unless you were dumb enough to sing along.

— Everybody Hates Chris music

Narrator: In the game of Dare, there are no rules, there are no regulations, and the game doesnt end til somebodys dead.

— Everybody Hates Chris body

Narrator: If you watch TV, youll know that the emergency room is one of the most exciting places you can be. Wrong!

— Everybody Hates Chris you

Narrator: We delivered papers in Brooklyn. We delivered papers in Queens, Chinatown, Little Italy, Spanish Harlem, Puerto Rican Harlem, the Bronx, Greenwich Village. We delivered papers to people I didnt even know who could read.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Julius: Im not givin you money for walkin around doin nothin. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?

— Everybody Hates Chris money

Narrator: Valentines Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Rochelle: No. I ate it. Dont need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.

— Everybody Hates Chris hell

Narrator: In Bed-Stuy, a lot of people have reputations for different things. Deidre Garfield was 23 and had a reputation for being the youngest grandmother in Brooklyn. Mr. Jackson had a reputation for being crazy as hell, but a lot of people say he invented homelessness. I had a reputation, too: not only for being a nerd or getting beat up every day, I was also known for being the best Asteroids player in Bed-Stuy.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Narrator: Next to dealin drugs, gettin bad grades was the worst thing you could do. It was worse than this.

— Everybody Hates Chris drugs

Rochelle: Im not talkin about that! Im talkin about this F! Now get your Johnny Cashless ass upstairs and study! Do you think Im playin with you? And where you get that guitar from? You better not be sellin no damn drugs in my house!

— Everybody Hates Chris hell

Rochelle: Why are you talking about your foot? Your son has no conscience. In there eatin pancakes like he actually got an A.

— Everybody Hates Chris science

Rochelle: Oh, so now you wanna talk to me? Why dont you just talk to your friends since you talk to them all the time?

— Everybody Hates Chris time

Greg: Dude, the movie The Invisible Man has absolutely nothing to do with the book Invisible Man. I dont know what you wrote, but whatever it is, you better not let Ms. Rivera read it.

— Everybody Hates Chris hate

Greg: Ive been having a hard time with my Mandy situation. This girl could be my future ex-wife, and I dont wanna mess it up.

— Everybody Hates Chris time

Narrator: My Uncle Ryan was Drews favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.

— Everybody Hates Chris success

Narrator: Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt, I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself and never do anything like that again.

— Everybody Hates Chris self

Rochelle: I mean, my God, boy, did you eat a bowl of lead paint for breakfast? Go on and sit down and let one of these other illiterates take a crack at it.

— Everybody Hates Chris god

Referee: The Tessio Tigers do not have a wrestler to compete in this weight class, and therefore, the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish win by default!

— Everybody Hates Chris sleep

Chris: And so then the white guy said, Man, this waters cold. And the black guy said, Yeah, and its deep too.

— Everybody Hates Chris man

Chris: Rice, rice, rice. Do you think all I knows is rice? I was there when George Washington Carver shucked that first peanut. I make yams and corn and cotton, but all America wants is them little grains of rice. I gives and I gives till I cant gives no more.

— Everybody Hates Chris ya

Councilman Lamar Johnson: Im sayin, what would people think if Im allowin a serial killer to roam the neighborhood?!

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Drew: The first principle of Kwanzaa is umoja; unity. That means us black people gotta stick together.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Louise: You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. Thats how Im doing.

— Everybody Hates Chris you

Mr. Omar: Theres some videos over there youre welcome to watch. Ive got Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Dead Zone, Dead Men Dont Wear Plaid, Death in Venice, Death Wish, Love and Death, Murder by Death, and Ososhiki a.k.a. Death, Japanese Style.

— Everybody Hates Chris love

Narrator: My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.

— Everybody Hates Chris mother

African Expert: Kwanzaa is celebrated for seven days after Christmas and emphasizes principles of family, community and culture. This peaceful African holiday was the great idea of Dr. Maulana Karenga. Later, one of his bad ideas led him to prison for four years for felonious assault and false imprisonment. Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed limited success, felonious assault swept the nation and continues to thrive throughout the African-American community today.

— Everybody Hates Chris success

Chris: Doc, listen. I come in on time and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if youre not gonna give me a raise, Im gonna have to leave. Its a matter of principles.

— Everybody Hates Chris time

Chris: Look, I Dont Care, All right. Its better than doing everyone elses work. If you had been cleaning up after me for the past ten years, youd know how I felt.

— Everybody Hates Chris work

Chris: Man, I cant believe this. The guys gonna kill me. Its not like I didnt have it bad enough comin to this school from the other side of town, havin the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teachers gonna kick the crap outta me too.

— Everybody Hates Chris man

Councilman Lamar Johnson: I mean, why would you let your son Chris write a story like this when Im tryin to get reelected?

— Everybody Hates Chris man

Doctor: Well, gout, or the gout, as some people like to call it, is a form of arthritis which causes severe swelling, usually in the ankle or the big toe. Its caused by a poor diet, including things like smothered porkchops

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Drew: Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if somethings wrong with her, you may not notice at first.

— Everybody Hates Chris men

Greg: OK, Smartypants, do I say hi? Do I say hello? Or maybe hey? Or even hey, hi? The possibilities are endless! We havent even gotten to what Ill be wearing.

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Greg: Thats OK. Weve survived worse things. Remember the time we survived those Cuban drug runners?

— Everybody Hates Chris time

Julius: What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. quit?

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Kill Moves: Good. You know, watchin my diet. I get a lotta exercise, and I dont talk to space people as much as I used to. Except for Gazoo.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Male Substitute Teacher #2: Enjoy this while you still can, cause believe me, its all downhill from here.

— Everybody Hates Chris joy

Mr. Jackson: You got somethin against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the boards car and drive home?

— Everybody Hates Chris man

Ms. Morello: Dont be ashamed. Chris people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.

— Everybody Hates Chris history

Ms. Morello: Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mothers a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. Shes actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You cant believe a word she says.

— Everybody Hates Chris work

Narrator: After getting put down by Keisha and stood up by Yvette, I was through having crushes on girls in the neighborhood, and I meant it.

— Everybody Hates Chris girls

Narrator: After two years at Corleone, Id gotten used to bein the only black kid, but it had two major downsides. One downside was I was the only black kid, and the other was I was the only black kid.

— Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator: As class president, I thought things would change for me, but I couldnt have been more wrong.

— Everybody Hates Chris change

Narrator: At 15, I was sick of bein a nerd. When youre a nerd, people you want to pay attention to you ignore you, and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention. And I was done with it.

— Everybody Hates Chris people

Narrator: Because I was planning on cutting school, I was acting guiltier than Michael Richards at an NAACP convention.

— Everybody Hates Chris school

Narrator: Christmas was my mothers favorite time of year. She loved the food, and she loved the decorations. My father, on the other hand, hated Christmas. He hated the food.

— Everybody Hates Chris love

Narrator: From now on, I was gonna be cool. Cool guys got everything: girls, cars, girls, money, girls.

— Everybody Hates Chris money

Narrator: I tried to imagine doin the things that Greg talked about with my father, like bringin him Capn Crunch and cantaloupe.

— Everybody Hates Chris father

Narrator: I was still in shock, so I didnt have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.

— Everybody Hates Chris mind

Narrator: If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.

— Everybody Hates Chris war

Narrator: My dad was willing to brave the elements to save his son, but to save money, hed bought the cheapest tires known to man. He was the only black out in a whiteout.

— Everybody Hates Chris money

Narrator: My father and Michael didnt get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.

— Everybody Hates Chris hate

Narrator: My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. Hed gamble on anything: fights

— Everybody Hates Chris love

Narrator: While Drew was takin his first step towards the charts, I was makin my first step toward the mat.

— Everybody Hates Chris war

Rochelle: And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, Thats not where it goes. I told her I put it there, so thats where it goes.

— Everybody Hates Chris hell

Rochelle: Im up, OK?! Are you happy now?! I mean, what does a woman have to do to get some rest around here?! GET SHOT?

— Everybody Hates Chris man

Rochelle: Its snow, Chris, not Armageddon. Now hurry up. You know the buses are gonna be runnin slow.

— Everybody Hates Chris age

Rochelle: No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin around here startin forest fires?

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Rochelle: Oh, whats goin on? Whats goin on? Lemme think about whats goin on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! Thats whats goin on! I, I I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man whos supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? Im findin out now that Im just BY MYSELF!

— Everybody Hates Chris love

Rochelle: So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. Im gonna defibrillate her!

— Everybody Hates Chris hell

Rochelle: Uh-oh! Did yall see that? I guess he jumpin bad now. You bad! I guess you Shaft! Yous a bad mutha Shut yo mouth! No! Since youre so independent, so liberated, maybe you need to go live in the Statue of Liberty.

— Everybody Hates Chris ya

Rochelle: Well, at least Johnson aint locked outta his own damn house! When I say Locked, you say Out! Locked!

— Everybody Hates Chris hell

Rochelle: You got the gout, high blood pressure, arthritis, a bad back, the sniffles, an ingrown toenail, seborrhea, psoriasis, a strained ligament, dyspepsia and gastric reflux.

— Everybody Hates Chris art

Rochelle: You got the light bill, the gas bill, the phone bill, the heat bill, the water bill, car note, taxes, insurance, food, rent, clothes, heatin, coolin, washin, dryin

— Everybody Hates Chris light

Tallulah: My name is Tallulah LaFitte. I came in here the other day to get my hair dyed honey brown, and it come up like this!

— Everybody Hates Chris day

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