Fun with Dick and Jane 2005

Dick Harper: Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THESE NON-FAT MUFFINS?Coffee Shop Guy: [stutters] I-I-I think so...Dick Harper: Oh, Gee, Hon, you gotta get some of those!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 you

[last lines]Garth: Hey, how do you like the new wheels?Dick Harper: Nice.Garth: Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits.Dick Harper: Yeah?Garth: Yeah. They trade energy. Its called Enron!Dick Harper: Huh.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 art

[With her accent, Richard sounds like retard]Blanca: Whats a matter, Retard?Dick Harper: Call me Dick.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 rich

Jane Harper: We might be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005

Billy Harper: Dont take away my Telemundo!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005

Disgruntled Kostmart Customer: I saw you eyeballing me! All up in my goodies!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 art

Dick Harper: [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted?Jane Harper: Dick?Dick Harper: [screaming] Indicted!Jane Harper: Dick, its gonna be alright.Dick Harper: [starts running around house screaming] Indicted, Indicted, Im being Indicted!Jane Harper: [Yells to him in a different room] Dick calm down.Dick Harper: [Runs back in to bedroom][In pitiful voice]Dick Harper: I cant calm down, Im being indicted...

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 art

Billy Harper: Mama quit her yob yayyyy!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 ya

Dick Harper: Im pretty sure shes gonna notice her car isnt towed.Frank Bascom: Right, Ill stall her.[Frank backs his car straight into female bankers car]

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 right

Jane Harper: Our lawn was repossessed today. I didnt know they could even do that.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 law

[first title cards]Title card: A long, long time ago...Title card: in the year 2000...Title card: Meet Dick

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 time

Frank Bascom: Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get that form?Dick Harper: No, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH?[Frank exhales into Dicks face]

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 you

Karen Williams: [Seeing her car smashed] Oh my God, my car! What is wrong with you?Frank Bascom: [extremely drunk] Whats wrong with me? Youre the one parked in a handicapped space!Karen Williams: Thats not a handicapped space!Frank Bascom: It is now!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 god

Dick Harper: I got the lawn back.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 law

Dick Harper: [after being punched in the mouth, sound like he is trying to have in American accent] No, I swear, I am an American citizen.INS Agent: Save it.[dragging Dick to deportation bus]Dick Harper: No, call my wife... Its ringingBilly Harper: [answers the phone] Hola?

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 america

Jack McCallister: Did I get it?Jacks Assistant: [Shoots his gun] Now you did.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 you

Jane Harper: I went to this Botox Experiment, and I had a little accident... does it really look that bad?Dick Harper: No. Just... different.Day Laborer: Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 time

[At a bar, Dick gets up on a table and starts acting crazy because hes being indicted for his share of the bummed, worthless Globodyne stock]Dick Harper: [blathers; marionette voice] Hello! Im a corporate puppet...[blathers again]Dick Harper: ...and Im going to need some more string, so that I can go on believing Ill be a real boy someday without bein manipulative...Dick Harper: [regular voice] by the bullshit!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 art

Dick Harper: [points to the hairpiece of a man] This squirrel died of natural causes!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 man

Dick Harper: [after being heckled by a bunch of execs at an office he came for an interview] Can we just get on the job interview?Bill: Oh, we cant hire you. We just want to take your picture.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 you

Jane Harper: [posing as a Jeet Kun Do instructor] My name is Jane and Ill be your instructor here today for beginners Jee Kum Pow.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 sin

Dick Harper: [in McCallisters ear] See, Jack? They love you now! Go to hell!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 love

Dick Harper: [composing letter] It has come to our attention that certain departments have begunn to run into situations. Situations.Dicks Secretary: The big boys want to see you upstairs.Dick Harper: Which floor? Twentieth?Dicks Secretary: [smiles, shakes head]Dick Harper: Twenty-sixth?Dicks Secretary: [shakes head]Dick Harper: Thirty-second?Dicks Secretary: [smiles, motions upwards]Dick Harper: Not the 51st?Dicks Secretary: Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Harper.Dick Harper: [giggles] Uh, go ahead and wrap this up.Dicks Secretary: Ok.Dick Harper: How do I look?Dicks Secretary: Great.Dick Harper: Anything in my teeth?Dicks Secretary: No.Dick Harper: [through clenched teeth] I need a paper bag.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 war

Dick Harper: [singing in elevator to self] I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.Dick Harper: Every night and every cloudy day[drums elevator panel]Dick Harper: spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. Catch me goin through that open do-o-o-r. I believe I can fly-i-i-i.Dick Harper: [low voice, man walks by elevator and looks incredulously] I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! Ooow![elevator dings, Dick steps out as though nothing happened]

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 self

Jane Harper: [sees her lawn getting repossessed] Hector, whats going on? What, what happened?Hector: Your check go bouncy-bounce. But its okay, I heard what happened to your husband. Not everybody can afford landscaping like this.Jane Harper: Hector, please!Hector: I am sorry, Miss Jane.Jane Harper: [sees her neighbor] Oh, no. No, no, no, no, NO! This is all- everything is all WRONG! I want this out. Roll it all up! I ordered Kentucky Bluegrass! This! Is! GREEN!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 law

[first lines]Dick Harper: Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Consolidator.[traffic light turns]Dick Harper: Oh, no!Title card: Run, Dick, RunDick Harper: Globodynes a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval with a focus in fiber-optic content provision. Its basically a synergy of Web-based and platform-based UNIX-driven delivery systems. OK, I made that last part up.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 art

Dick Harper: Were all just cavemen, Trying to protect our little patch of land. Well now Ive got a club, and Im gonna take what I need.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 men

Kostmart Training Leader: Ill sell you my pee for a hundred dollars. Been off the pipe for two years.[snaps]Kostmart Training Leader: Thank you Jesus!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 art

Jack McCallister: Dick Harper, Dick Harper, Dick Harper playing the harp. Harpo Marx playing the Jews harp.*DH*, DH! Youre my Designated Hitter!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 you

Dick Harper: We followed the rules, and we got screwed.

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 rules

Dick Harper: Billy tell your father hes a winner.Billy Harper: Papa es ganador.Dick Harper: see?Billy Harper: SI!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 you

Dick Harper: INDICTED!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005

[repeated line]Oz Peterson: Son of a bitch!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005

[as they are arrested for their failed bank robbery]Oz Peterson: Honey? Honey! I love you!Debbie: You quitter! We had hostages!

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 love

Billy Harper: What are you doing to the television?

— Fun with Dick and Jane 2005 vision

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