How I Met Your Mother

Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, See that girl? Im gonna marry her someday.

— How I Met Your Mother future

Lily: Hey. Im just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kinda dont wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, thats right, Im not wearing any.

— How I Met Your Mother beautiful

Robin: You’re not crazy. I—I don’t know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you’re looking at me with that look and it’s like—

— How I Met Your Mother you

Robin: Yes, you are. I don’t wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I’d feel like I’d either have to marry you or break your heart and—I just couldn’t do either of those things. Just like you can’t turn off the way you feel.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but—on the other hand - you, me, the roof.

— How I Met Your Mother love

Ted: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. Thats it, thats all this is!

— How I Met Your Mother truth

Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - whats the word?

— How I Met Your Mother history

Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. Thats not journalism. Thats just things in a diaper.

— How I Met Your Mother people

Natalie: Whats going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three years later, again on my birthday!

— How I Met Your Mother art

Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. Its a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.

— How I Met Your Mother future

Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Robin: Actually I cant even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking Im Julia Roberts. Im no VIP, Im not even an IP; Im just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkins going to show up?

— How I Met Your Mother faith

Ted: Well, Im pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isnt going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

— How I Met Your Mother love

Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. Ted-out: to overthink. Also see Ted-up. Ted-up: to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded-up when he tried-

— How I Met Your Mother you

Lily: Its some sort of mutant combination of the two. Its as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know

— How I Met Your Mother you

Lily: On Monday Im gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin broadsword!

— How I Met Your Mother art

Robin: You guys are the worlds leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.

— How I Met Your Mother world

Ted: Okay, you you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, Daddys home. Really think about that, Barney.

— How I Met Your Mother home

Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.

— How I Met Your Mother man

Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts youre trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then Ill feed them to you like grapes!

— How I Met Your Mother god

Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like Hey bro, I dont know what youre eating cause I dont have any eyes but its basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley.

— How I Met Your Mother you

Victoria: Why dont we just dance. And have a great time. And when its over, never see each other again.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, well make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when were old and gray, well look back on this moment and itll be perfect.

— How I Met Your Mother men

Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents retirement community.

— How I Met Your Mother truth

Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but theres no way in hell Im telling you this one. Dont worry, it wasnt that great.

— How I Met Your Mother future

Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, lets get to work. It’s 2am and its raining outside, ding dong what? The Doorbell? Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait, knock knock, somebody is at the back door.

— How I Met Your Mother work

Bilson: Oh my gosh, Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!

— How I Met Your Mother you

Lily: The package? You’ve already given me the package. You’ve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.

— How I Met Your Mother love

Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you’ve got a huge package!

— How I Met Your Mother age

Robin: Well, yeah, that’s cats, I’m not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?

— How I Met Your Mother cats

Rivers: Why not? We’re both available, we’re both attractive, we’re both good at it. At least I’m good at it, and even if you’re not, don’t worry. I’ll have a good time either way.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don’t get involved with people I work with.

— How I Met Your Mother people

Mary: You know that scene in Empire when they lower the helmet onto Darth Vaders head? Do you think thats how Sandy gets his hair on in the morning?

— How I Met Your Mother art

Barney: You look so classy and nice, youre gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. Its, Go ho or go home.

— How I Met Your Mother sin

Lily: There are certain things in life where you know its a mistake but you dont really know its a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, Yup, that was a mistake. So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then youll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. Ive done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?

— How I Met Your Mother life

Penelope: Oh, theres this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I dont think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.

— How I Met Your Mother nature

Ted: But this is the girl I love! If it doesnt rain this weekend, shes gonna end up with the wrong guy!

— How I Met Your Mother love

Ted: Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! Thats what I did today! And thats enough! I..Ive done my part, now get down here!

— How I Met Your Mother art

Lily: Marshall, Im sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is ifif we dont talk for a while.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, youre just gonna look weak and youre gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first and I will punch you in the face.

— How I Met Your Mother regret

Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we dont want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He cant feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Robin: Id take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasnt sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, Im good!

— How I Met Your Mother good

Robin: Im a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. Youre like God. There is no one hotter than God.

— How I Met Your Mother god

Robin: Its fantastic. Just for fun, Teds been working on his own design, and it doesnt look at all like male genitaliaat least, not healthy male genitalia.

— How I Met Your Mother work

Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out therein the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.

— How I Met Your Mother live

Marshall: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because were in love.

— How I Met Your Mother love

Clerk: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.

— How I Met Your Mother waiting

Barney: If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I dont think there wouldve been a feature about it in Details magazine.

— How I Met Your Mother think

Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal Ohhh moment.

— How I Met Your Mother men

Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.

— How I Met Your Mother men

Girl #2: I dont have an eating disorder, its just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!

— How I Met Your Mother food

Ted: HmmI disagree. If theres some potential Ohhh. moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, whats the alternative?

— How I Met Your Mother men

Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzels Pretzels.

— How I Met Your Mother sin

James: You are young attractive people here in the greatest city on earth. There are boys and girls in Nobody Cares, Wyoming wishing they could be here.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Barney: OK, heres my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole worlds gonna be doing it. Thats how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like now everyone gets manicures.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Ted: Im sorry, but im not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!

— How I Met Your Mother you

Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I dont know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? Youre clearly still mad at me.

— How I Met Your Mother you

Ted: Because youve never apologized to me. Marshalls not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you dont even call? Come on, Lily were supposed to be friends!

— How I Met Your Mother friends

Robin: Please? Im her older sister; Im supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.

— How I Met Your Mother good

Marshall: No, it was two nights ago. Shes Like the Wind has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now its back in. Damn you, Swayze!

— How I Met Your Mother night

Marshall: What I’ll have, oh I don’t know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!

— How I Met Your Mother pain

Jeannie Radford, Phone Booth Girl: Im Teds college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?

— How I Met Your Mother man

Robin: Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Lastis the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gai. You mentioned cigars?

— How I Met Your Mother art

Marshall: I cant believe this whole time it was you guys; Ive been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Barney: This isnt Barney. but I hear that guys awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLarens in an hour.

— How I Met Your Mother challenges

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonights Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I wouldve called my truck

— How I Met Your Mother men

Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?

— How I Met Your Mother you

Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I dont know where Im gonna be in five years. I dont wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.

— How I Met Your Mother life

Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. Im still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And thats why Gael happened.

— How I Met Your Mother truth

Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, youll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.

— How I Met Your Mother art

Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.

— How I Met Your Mother men

Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, lets call them Guidelines for Harmonious Living. Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand? is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-

— How I Met Your Mother men

Robin: A year. But, dont worry. The relationship wasnt that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasnt that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will get you where you need to go.

— How I Met Your Mother sex

Marshall: You know what, I dont care, Ive been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.

— How I Met Your Mother man

Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! Its this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like Im living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, Im talking about Hawaii, and after! I cant take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! Its time! Were getting our own place!

— How I Met Your Mother science

Marshall: But were not doing this for now; were doing this for our future. Cant you imagine starting a family here?

— How I Met Your Mother art

Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.

— How I Met Your Mother mother

Ted: So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. See it now? Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -

— How I Met Your Mother god

Kathy: One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. Hes still in jail.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?

— How I Met Your Mother you

Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?

— How I Met Your Mother you

Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, A hundred push-ups. Like, do a bazillion push-ups. No one can do a hundred.

— How I Met Your Mother thought

Robin: And youve got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, dont you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.

— How I Met Your Mother you

Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly hows everyone gonna know youre a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

— How I Met Your Mother you

Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.

— How I Met Your Mother knowledge

Barney: The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patricks Day. This is it Bro. Bro-pocalypse Now Bro-Mageddon.

— How I Met Your Mother world

Stella: Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So Im guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless its a gang tattoo, in which case I thinks time to find a new gang.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Ted: Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden

— How I Met Your Mother thought

Stella: Well, I think I can remove it in ten one-hour sessions, but I should warn you, laser surgerys very painful.

— How I Met Your Mother war

Ted: Well, I think I youll find that I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night I sat through the worst movie ever made.

— How I Met Your Mother pain

Barney: Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebodys gotta nail the receptionist.

— How I Met Your Mother law

Barney: Hey! I dont remember you. Ive spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that Ive slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point Im pretty sure I sold a woman. I didnt speak the language, but I shook a guys hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

— How I Met Your Mother women

Simon: I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.

— How I Met Your Mother money

Barney: Excuse me. Ive seen Lets Go to the Mall about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.

— How I Met Your Mother time

Barney: Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. Youre the most awesome person Ive ever met. Well, second.

— How I Met Your Mother you

Ted: You know what Barney, earlier this week Ive been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labeled Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore.

— How I Met Your Mother you

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