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jimmy kimmel

I challenge you to a rap battle, Kanye West. I play the clarinet.
— jimmy kimmel you
The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that’s not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That’s the reality of it.
— jimmy kimmel truth
I get product placement and everything, but Im sorry, Supermans father was NOT named Purell.
— Jimmy Kimmel men
How is it possible that no one has invented a puppy that stays a puppy?
— Jimmy Kimmel possible
If you dont have a crazy facebook friend, you are the crazy facebook friend.
— Jimmy Kimmel book
Its important not to forget today that mothers can also be annoying.
— Jimmy Kimmel mother
I wish Vine had Tivo. Who can sit through all that?
— Jimmy Kimmel wish
Rainbows are Gods way of telling us that he likes to jazz things up sometimes.
— Jimmy Kimmel god
Its OK to use the bathroom at my house as long as you buy something.
— Jimmy Kimmel you
The people who host the red carpet preview shows dont know it, but they died and are in hell.
— Jimmy Kimmel people
Zombies are the new Betty White.
— Jimmy Kimmel zombies
Every once in a while guys, take time out to look in the mirror and say Hey you. Thanks for all the hand-jobs.
— Jimmy Kimmel time
If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to read.
— Jimmy Kimmel power
Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, whos marrying his longtime girlfriend. I have to say...Charlie Sheen has a longtime girlfriend?
— Jimmy Kimmel time
I dont want to ruin it for you, but at the end, Voldemort kills Harry with a fairly vivious atomic wedgie.
— Jimmy Kimmel you
Its funny how all of this has worked out, I wasnt popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon Im throwing up.
— Jimmy Kimmel funny
Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said its because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe its an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe its not terrorism. Maybe its Maybelline.
— Jimmy Kimmel believe
The TSA downgraded the threat level for flights between the U.S. and England from severe to high. So if youre nervous about taking a trip to London, theres no longer a severe chance of exploding, just a high one now.
— Jimmy Kimmel light
I dont know if we can call ourselves everyday Joes. I think Supermen is more appropriate. Were just trying to take back the medium we invented!
— Jimmy Kimmel men
When I was emceeing Win Ben Steins Money, I actually fell asleep during the show a few times. I would sit on the safe over to the side and just sort of doze off. But that was probably a combination of the narcolepsy and Bens voice.
— Jimmy Kimmel time
Hurricane Katrina has been particularly hard on President Bush, who was forced to end his vacation two days early. He was supposed to be clearing brush in Texas until Friday. Now hes going to get back to the White House tomorrow. You know, if he doesnt use his vacation days, he loses them, so this is hard on everybody.
— Jimmy Kimmel art
The president jumped on a plane to start a five-week vacation. This will be the longest presidential vacation in 36 years. This means President Bush has now been on vacation for 27% of his presidency. That means the country could be 27% more screwed up than it already is.
— Jimmy Kimmel art
I go to Costco every weekend. Its my favorite part of the week.
— Jimmy Kimmel art
Adam doesnt need a partner, the guy is just funny. He has a strong opinion on almost every topic. You can ask him about Sea-Monkeys or shoelaces and he has a strong opinion. And when he gets going, youre just a bystander.
— Jimmy Kimmel funny
What I said about Pistons fans during halftime was a joke, nothing more. If I offended anyone, Im sorry. Clearly, over the past 10 years, we in L.A. have taken a commanding lead in post-game riots. If the Lakers win, I plan to overturn my own car.
— Jimmy Kimmel time
I have like fifteen televisions in my house.
— Jimmy Kimmel vision
I only get unusual ailments.
— Jimmy Kimmel men
Im a creative consultant, whatever that means.
— Jimmy Kimmel hate
Im a terrible golfer.
— Jimmy Kimmel
Its funny how all of this has worked out - I wasnt popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon Im throwing up.
— Jimmy Kimmel funny
Thats my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they dont.
— Jimmy Kimmel funny
Theres an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that theyre mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that theyve built to look like a temple. Its just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.
— Jimmy Kimmel reality
Almost every week, someones mad at me.
— Jimmy Kimmel

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