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Jingle All the Way 1996

Howard: Put that cookie down. NOW!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your childrens minds out! And I know what Im talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so Im right in there, I know whats going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, whos working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you cant fix it because its little cheap plastic!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 children
Howard Langston: [after getting at a toddler for taking his prize ball and putting it in her mouth in attempting to get it back, he is being ambushed by a bunch of disgusted mothers who misunderstood his socially unacceptable behavior and are calling him a pervert] Im not a pervert! I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Ted: Howard, they say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.Howard Langston: [muttered to him softly as he drives backwards] Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.Ted: What?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Jamie: I want the Turbo Man action figure with the arms and legs that move and the boomerang shooter and his rockn roller jet pack and the realistic voice activator that says 5 different phrases including, Its Turbo time! Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 time
Howard Langston: [as Howard is getting Ted on the phone, he hears Ted eating his wifes cookies and complimenting on them] Cookies?[shouting]Howard Langston: Who told you you could eat my cookies?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
[last lines]Liz: Howard, Ive been thinking... everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him.[Howard nods]Liz: And if youre willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder...Howard Langston: What?Liz: [smiling] What did you get me?[the camera crash-zooms to Howard with a look of horror on his face]
— Jingle All the Way 1996 love
Santa at Door: Password.Mall Santa: Jingle Bells, Batman smells.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 man
Howard Langston: You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits.Mall Santa: What did you call us?Howard Langston: You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals!Mall Santa: At the North Pole, them are fightin words, partner.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 life
Howard Langston: [the second time on the phone, he still cant get Liz] Jamie, let me talk to your mother.Jamie Langston: You cant.Howard Langston: Why?Jamie Langston: Shes next door petting Ted.[he means a reindeer that Ted got Johnny who just then named after him, and without clarifying it, Howard misunderstands it]Howard Langston: [aggravated] Shes what?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Huge Santa: Im gonna deck your halls, bub!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 you
[Howard tries to grab the doll]Mall Santa: [Santa stops him] Ah! Thatll be three hundred.Howard Langston: Dollars?Mall Santa: No, chocolate kisses; yes, dollars!Howard Langston: I cant believe this, whatever happened to your lofty ideas huh? I though youre doing all this for the kids.Mall Santa: Well sure, but I dont see why we cant pick up a little loose change in the process.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Howard Langston: [clutching two store associates by the collar, after theyve mocked him along with the whole store doing that and told him the Turbo Man dolls are gone; he sneers] Wheres your Christmas spirit?[the two smile, so does Howard]Howard Langston: Thats better!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Howard Langston: [as Turbo Man] Myron, youre taking this too far.Myron Larabee: [as Dementor] Hey, Im not going home without that doll!Chain Smoking Booster: [as Booster] Hey, buddy, this aint the way we rehearsed it!Myron Larabee: You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
DJ: [as Howard tries to break into the radio station; he calls the cops] Yeah, Ive got a mad man in my studio and...[Howard breaks the glass door and charges inside]DJ: HELP ME!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Howard: Aww, poor baby!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: [pursuing Jamie and Howard during their act in the parade] Get outta my way, box!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Tony the Elf: [as policemen barge into the Santas workshop] Its the Grinch! Scatter!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 work
Howard Langston: Ted, what the hell are you doing on my roof?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
[Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife?Ted: I think she is in the shower, Howard.[with a fresh attitude]Ted: Do you want me to go check?Howard Langston: NO!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: Ta-ta, Turtleman!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 man
Myron Larabee: How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: Dear Santa, Can you send me a bike and a slinky? No! Your fathers been laid off!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 you
Myron Larabee: As if I didnt have enough trouble, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy. Some fruity robot named Turtle Man.Howard Langston: Its Turbo Man. My son wants one, too.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Howard: This cant happen. Its just a doll. Its just a stupid little plastic doll.Myron: Ah ah, thats action figure.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Officer: Maybe you shouldnt mess with that.Officer Hummel: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.[does various things to find out if its really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio]Officer Hummel: Gentlemen, weve been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.[he rips open the package]Myron Larabee: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people!Officer: How many years on the bomb squad?[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred]
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Officer Hummel: As for you, Turbo Man...[saluting]Officer Hummel: we could use a man like you on the force.Howard Langston: [in Turbo Man costume, saluting back] Thanks, Ill keep that in mind. Oh, Im sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
DJ: Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?Howard Langston: Yes.Myron Larabee: Thats what you said on the radio.DJ: Oh, no.Myron Larabee: Yes it is.DJ: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...[chuckles]DJ: What we have here... is a gift certificate.Howard Langston, Myron Larabee: A gift certificate?DJ: Right.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Chain Smoking Booster: Finally! Where the hell have you been? Geez, Ive been sweatin like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up! Well, its showtime![puts on his Booster mask]Howard Langston: I know you, youre Booster!Chain Smoking Booster: [behind his mask] Yeah! And whoever do you think you are - Mary Poppins?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Ted: [in a humiliated state, arriving after Turbo Man reveals himself as Howard] Whats going on?Johnny: Look, Jamies dad is Turbo Man.Ted: [appalled, then takes Johnny away] Lets get outta here!Johnny: But Dad, you smell like barf!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Jamie Langston: [he and Johnny are fighting over who wants to be Turbo Man] *Im* Turbo Man!Johnny: No, *I* am; youre *always* Turbo Man!Liz: [over their fight while baking cookies] Hey, hey, hey, cut it out.Jamie Langston: Why dont you be Dementor?Johnny: No!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 men
[on the phone with Jamie after a grueling morning searching for a Turbo Man doll, Jamie quotes something from Turbo Man to him, and momentarily unaware that Jamie knows nothing about his situation, he finally loses it]Howard: Enough with this Turbo Man! I have had it up to here with this Turbo Man! If theres anybody I dont want advice from right now, its Turbo Man!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 quotes
Ted Maltin: Howard, Im of the mind set you can never do too much to make a childs Christmas magical.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: We get one day a year to prove were not screw-ups and what do we do? We screw it up.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 day
Myron Larabee: I work for the post office so you know Im not stable! Tell em!Howard Langston: This man is totally insane.Myron Larabee: Thank you!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Mall Santa: Hey, pal, you want a Turbo Man for Christmas?Howard Langston: Forget it, Im not gonna sit on your lap.Mall Santa: Hey, chief, thats not my bag... Get it?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: Ill know if you move cause I have the ears of a snake!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 you
Myron Larabee: [Myron is tackled] Thats my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!
— Jingle All the Way 1996
Turbo Man: Its Turbo time!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 time
Turbo Man: You can always count on me.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 man
Caller: [the objective is to correctly name all 8 of Santas reindeer] Um, Randy, Germaine, uh, Tito...DJ: Nope, not even close. Sorry. But perhaps this song will put us all in the mood to get this thing right.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 will
Howard Langston: I gotta tell you, Santa, theres something about this place that doesnt seem quite... Kosher.Mall Santa: Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: You know what Id like to do? Id like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys[grabs an old lady]Myron Larabee: And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldnt wear fur.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 you
Mall Santa: Were not just doing this for us. Were doing it for the kids. For every kid who ever sat on Santas lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a package Christmas morning and finds clothes instead of toys. It breaks my heart.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 art
Ted Maltin: [to Liz in the car] Here, have some non-alcoholic eggnog.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 alcohol
Ted: [when an attempt to flirt with Liz ends with her hitting him over the face with a jug of eggnog causing it to splatter him] Well... that didnt exactly go as well as Id hoped.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 hope
Howard Langston: He got two! He got two!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Howard Langston: [after punching the reindeer] You started it.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
[on the day before Christmas Eve, after having failed to make it to his sons karate class, Howard has just gotten home, and got out of his car, and in kind of a guilty mood, starts heading towards his house]Ted Maltin: [from Howards roof] Hey, neighbor!Howard Langston: Ted, what the hell are you doing on my roof?Ted Maltin: Whats Ted doing on your roof?[we suddenly see him light up the whole house]Ted Maltin: Ta-da! I had some extra lights in the garage, and since you didnt put up any yourself, I just thought What the hey? Why not spread a bit of Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?Howard Langston: [sarcastically] Gee, Ted, how thoughtful!Ted Maltin: Hey! Im sorry you missed the karate class today, but dont worry, I got it all on video for you.Howard Langston: [sarcastically] What would I do without you?
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
[In a friendly tone, Howard tries to pet Teds reindeer, and the reindeer tries to attack Howards hand]Ted Maltin: Wow, thats odd. Reindeer are usually such gentle animals. There must be something about you he doesnt like! Aftershave or something.
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: [Myron is telling all the police officers to put their guns down, he looks at Officer Hummell] You too, Barnaby Jones!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 you
Myron Larabee: Did you call me buddy?Howard Langston: Yeah.Myron Larabee: [shouting] I am not your buddy! I tried to be your team mate, I wanted to be your friend, but noooooooooo, you had other other plans for Myron Larabee!Howard Langston: No, I had no plans.Myron Larabee: You were no different then the rest of those civilians, those common, letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat. in the summer![the DJ is whimpering]Myron Larabee: Are you laughing at me?DJ: Huh? Oh, no! Lord no! Not at all!Myron Larabee: Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you, I know your kind. Youre the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my jeep, dont you?DJ: No, not true! I recycle!Howard Langston: Shut up!Myron Larabee: Thats right shut up!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war
Myron Larabee: [to Howard in the radio station] Dont hit me! I got sickle cell! Dont hit me!
— Jingle All the Way 1996 war

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101sharequotes Quotes Topics Famous Occupations Motivation Inspirational Life Love Funny Success Friendship