Kingpin 1996

Ishmael: [to Ernie McCracken] I dont know who the heck you think you are, but if you dont wiggle those child-bearing hips out that door in 5 seconds, youre gonna find your nose sniffing my big Amish ass!

— Kingpin 1996 you

Bowling Priest: You see, bowling for money... thats my only vice.Cocktail Waitress: Heres your drink.Bowling Priest: Thanks sugar[takes drink from a double bourbon on the rocks and pats waitress behind]Bowling Priest: . Okay, two vices.Ernie McCracken: Thats still very good.

— Kingpin 1996 money

Roy: Hey, I hope you dont mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once.[Takes a drink from the bucket]Mr. Boorg: We dont have a cow. We have a bull.Roy: Ill brush my teeth.

— Kingpin 1996 hope

[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, hes the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. Hes got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasnt talking when you were bowling.Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.

— Kingpin 1996 mind

Ernie McCracken: Youre on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

— Kingpin 1996 you

1979 Waitress: Tanqueray and Tab.Ernie McCracken: Keep em comin, sweets, I got a long drive. Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?

— Kingpin 1996 mind

Landlady: [Roy is throwing up in the background after having had sex with his Landlady, to keep from being evicted. The Landlady is too satisfied to care] What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? I guess its all that pumpin. Pump and dump.[She laughs at her own jokes]Landlady: You really jarred something loose, tiger.

— Kingpin 1996 sex

Ishmael: Whatcha doin, Mr. Munson?Roy: Flossin.Ishmael: Flossin? Where the hell did I get Munson?Roy: The names Munson, what Im doin is flossin.

— Kingpin 1996 loss

Ernie McCracken: The Munson.Roy: Big Ern. Long time.Ernie McCracken: Ill say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...Ernie McCracken: [looks at Roys prosthetic rubber hand] Oh, creepy! Im sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?Roy: You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasnt gone by that I havent thought about what Id say to you if I ever ran into you again.Ernie McCracken: I bet!Ernie McCracken: [notices Claudia] Hello.

— Kingpin 1996 time

Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?Roy: I dont puke when I drink. I puke when I dont.

— Kingpin 1996 you

Ernie McCracken: Hi... not you... hi.

— Kingpin 1996 you

Ernie McCracken: Jonathan, run a fly pattern all the way to the goal line.Ernie McCracken: [he snaps the moms skirt] Tennessee! Kentucky! Find the meat! Uh, deeper, Jonathan.

— Kingpin 1996 goal

Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right?Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there?Ishmael: Well, I dont know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, hes just a little better than me, thats all.Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186.[loses his cool]Roy: You lost to a club player! What - thats not supposed to happen! Youre carrying a 270 average!Ishmael: Wh-wh-wh-what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.Roy: [angrily] What do you mean, you guys with your 10 frames?Ishmael: Well, my grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames. Its like I told you before, we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do. Ten frames.[scoffs]Ishmael: Thats for Quakers.

— Kingpin 1996 good

Roy: WHO YOU CALLIN A PSYCHO?

— Kingpin 1996 you

Roy: Some of the dresses ya got, ya need two hairdos to wear.

— Kingpin 1996 ya

Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin piss?Roy: I think you can.Neighbor: Even if its your own?

— Kingpin 1996 you

Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have, Brother Hezekiah?Roy: Uh, none that I know of.[Adopting a terrible Irish accent]Roy: What I mean to say is, I was, uh, wee, Im unable to have children. Nasty cheese gratin accident as a young man.

— Kingpin 1996 children

McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen?Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.

— Kingpin 1996 art

Ishmael: Run for the hills everybody, theres a giant shit-cloud coming.

— Kingpin 1996 body

Mr. Boorg: Ishmael always was a strange boy, but he means well.

— Kingpin 1996 strange

Ernie McCracken: Its a small world when youve got unbelievable tits Roy.

— Kingpin 1996 world

Ernie McCracken: One more time, sweetness.

— Kingpin 1996 time

Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But Ill lose my entire bonus check because Im so *bombed*.McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale?Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

— Kingpin 1996 art

Ishmael: Ten frames?[scoffs]Ishmael: Thats for Quakers.

— Kingpin 1996

Roy: Hey, Herbie! Hows life?Scranton Wino: Taking forever.

— Kingpin 1996 life

Ernie McCracken: I dont know. Its fun though, isnt it?

— Kingpin 1996 fun

Roy: Just because youre familiar with the missionary position doesnt make you a missionary.Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, youre not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

— Kingpin 1996 art

[refering to Roys hook for a hand]Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.Ishmael: You have a monkey?

— Kingpin 1996 you

Roy: That coffee wasnt even hot.[takes a sip of coffee]Roy: Now, thats hot.

— Kingpin 1996 coffee

Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the mens room? I mean, those are fun even when youre alone.Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah.Roy: You get it?Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah!Roy: This is like the hula hoop of the nineties. People go nuts!Lancaster Bowl Manager: No! Look, we dont even have a novelty machine in the mens room anymore.Roy: And you call this a bowling alley?

— Kingpin 1996 people

ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh... Drinking. Lot a drinking.ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?Roy: No. I uh... I put... uh... Why, you buying?

— Kingpin 1996 ya

[On smoking]Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.Roy: Is that right. Whos done more research on the subject than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If youre dead, you cant smoke.

— Kingpin 1996 art

Roy: I know what youre thinking, but let me explain...[Claudia kicks Roy in the crotch]Roy: [very softly] Mommy. You must have a really wide foot because you got both of them

— Kingpin 1996 thinking

Roy: Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You dont mow another guys lawn.

— Kingpin 1996 law

Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. Its okay.Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and Ill give you a clue what it is. Its round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.Ishmael: [He points his finger into Roys face] You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!Roy: Im talking about bowling! Your future!

— Kingpin 1996 god

Claudia: Ishmael likes me.Roy: I promise you, youre not his type.Claudia: Oh, Im his type. Im every guys type.

— Kingpin 1996 you

Ernie McCracken: Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.

— Kingpin 1996 time

Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet.[as Ishmael whispers okay, Roy trips and falls]Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac.Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson?Roy: Shh! What did I just say?Ishmael: Uh, I think I tore my sac?

— Kingpin 1996 you

Claudia: He said handSOME, not handLESS.

— Kingpin 1996

Ishmael: Hi Mr. Skidmark.

— Kingpin 1996

Little boy: Sometimes when I wake up in the morning Mr. McCrackens already there.

— Kingpin 1996 time

Man in bowling alley: Come on, boy. Bowl!Roy: The names not boy. Its Roy.[makes a spare]Roy: Roy Munson.

— Kingpin 1996 man

Ishmael: I dont drink coffee.Roy: Why not?Ishmael: Because its a stimulant.Roy: What the hell do you think cigarettes are?Ishmael: They are?[Roy nods]Ishmael: All right, make it an extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. Lots of cream.

— Kingpin 1996 hell

Ishmael: No way. Uh-huh. Theres no way I can bet. Its against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. Theres no way Im going to bet.Roy: Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*!Ishmael: No. No! *No* way!Roy: Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You dont have to bet. Ill bet for you.Ishmael: Oh, thats cool. I mean, whats the worst that can happen?[Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly]

— Kingpin 1996 religion

Ishmael: I didnt want to be the one to tell him, but with those narrow hips, that girl couldnt have more than 6 or 7 children![snickering]

— Kingpin 1996 children

Roy: The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasnt kickin mine.

— Kingpin 1996 world

Extra: Bye Brother Munson, bye Whore.

— Kingpin 1996

Claudia: Your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert.

— Kingpin 1996 you

Ishmael: Some corn stalks were broken and I tried to fix them.

— Kingpin 1996 broken

Silver Legacy Maid: [Roy and Ishmael are trying to find Claudia and have rushed to her hotel room, only to find two maids making up the bed] She checked out. She left with two guys.Roy: Two guys like us?Silver Legacy Maid: No, they were good looking.

— Kingpin 1996 good

[In the parking lot, Roy has packed his car and is saying farewell to Dad and a few friends]Roy: Can you believe this? Me, on a professional bowling tour?Calvert Munson: Its your calling, son. One day, when people say the name Munson, theyre gonna think winner. Just like DiMaggio is to baseball or, or Unitas is to football, thats what Munson will be to bowling.

— Kingpin 1996 people

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