Bowling Priest: You see, bowling for money... thats my only vice.Cocktail Waitress: Heres your drink.Bowling Priest: Thanks sugar[takes drink from a double bourbon on the rocks and pats waitress behind]Bowling Priest: . Okay, two vices.Ernie McCracken: Thats still very good. .
Roy: Hey, I hope you dont mind, I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up, she sure is a stubborn one. Then, POW, all at once.[Takes a drink from the bucket]Mr. Boorg: We dont have a cow. We have a bull.Roy: Ill brush my teeth. .
[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, hes the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. Hes got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasnt talking when you were bowling.Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck. .
Landlady: [Roy is throwing up in the background after having had sex with his Landlady, to keep from being evicted. The Landlady is too satisfied to care] What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap? I guess its all that pumpin. Pump and dump.[She laughs at her own jokes]Landlady: You really jarred something loose, tiger. .
Ernie McCracken: The Munson.Roy: Big Ern. Long time.Ernie McCracken: Ill say. Probably a year for every topping on the table. I heard a horrible rumor...Ernie McCracken: [looks at Roys prosthetic rubber hand] Oh, creepy! Im sorry. You know, for the first couple years, I felt responsible. How you been otherwise?Roy: You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasnt gone by that I havent thought about what Id say to you if I ever ran into you again.Ernie McCracken: I bet!Ernie McCracken: [notices Claudia] Hello. .
Ishmael: [after losing a game] Mr. Munson, you all right?Roy: [calmly] Ish, uh, what happened in there?Ishmael: Well, I dont know. Um, I thought I played pretty good. Uh, hes just a little better than me, thats all.Roy: Pretty good, huh? 186.[loses his cool]Roy: You lost to a club player! What - thats not supposed to happen! Youre carrying a 270 average!Ishmael: Wh-wh-wh-what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.Roy: [angrily] What do you mean, you guys with your 10 frames?Ishmael: Well, my grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames. Its like I told you before, we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do. Ten frames.[scoffs]Ishmael: Thats for Quakers. .
Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the the novelty machine in the mens room? I mean, those are fun even when youre alone.Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah.Roy: You get it?Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah!Roy: This is like the hula hoop of the nineties. People go nuts!Lancaster Bowl Manager: No! Look, we dont even have a novelty machine in the mens room anymore.Roy: And you call this a bowling alley? .
[On smoking]Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say its bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.Roy: Is that right. Whos done more research on the subject than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say its harmless. Why would they lie? If youre dead, you cant smoke. .
Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. Its okay.Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and Ill give you a clue what it is. Its round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.Ishmael: [He points his finger into Roys face] You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!Roy: Im talking about bowling! Your future! .
Roy: [Whispering so as not to awake Claudia, whom he means to leave behind] Just be quiet.[as Ishmael whispers okay, Roy trips and falls]Roy: Ooh! I think I tore my sac.Ishmael: [loudly] Are you okay, Mr. Munson?Roy: Shh! What did I just say?Ishmael: Uh, I think I tore my sac? .
Ishmael: No way. Uh-huh. Theres no way I can bet. Its against my religion. I was raised to *not* be a gambler. Theres no way Im going to bet.Roy: Hey, hey, Ish. Ish! *Ish*!Ishmael: No. No! *No* way!Roy: Hey! Listen, you stupid banana head! You dont have to bet. Ill bet for you.Ishmael: Oh, thats cool. I mean, whats the worst that can happen?[Roy agrees by gesturing with his hook and then looks at it awkwardly] .
Silver Legacy Maid: [Roy and Ishmael are trying to find Claudia and have rushed to her hotel room, only to find two maids making up the bed] She checked out. She left with two guys.Roy: Two guys like us?Silver Legacy Maid: No, they were good looking. .
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