MAS*H TV series

Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, you have no idea what its like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks hes all twelve disciples!

Hawkeye Pierce: Ya know we gotta do it someday. Throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Frank Burns: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, Im just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Lt. Dish: You still havent told me how I get out of going away with the winner. Why do I have the funny feeling its going to be you.

— M*A*S*H TV series funny

Hawkeye: Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. Hes got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. Thats what its all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.

— M*A*S*H TV series life

Yankee Doodle Doctor: Im sorry, kid. You shouldve booked ahead. Come to think of it, you shouldve booked the rest of the body as well!

— M*A*S*H TV series book

Hawkeye: Hold it puts his ear to Radars stomach I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or hes giving birth to an alarm clock.

— M*A*S*H TV series think

Frank: Youre not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Frank: I assure you, all goldbricking that went on here under Colonel Blake is going to stop. Under my command, life is going to be a different kettle of fish.

— M*A*S*H TV series life

Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors cant change rule number one.

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Frank: Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And Im sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so dont try anything!

— M*A*S*H TV series sleep

Hawkeye: If I didnt think it would keep you warm, Frank, Id come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Col. Blake: Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stocking feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Hawkeye after Henrys first loud megaphone message: One more yell like that and you and I will have interchangeable parts!

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Hawkeye: with a stethoscope to the bomb The tickers very faint. Not the bombs, mine. The bomb is ticking away loud and clear.

— M*A*S*H TV series wit

Trapper: I guess hes just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.

— M*A*S*H TV series people

Hawkeye: Weve just heard that General Eisenhowers gonna run for president what some guys wont do to get out of the army.

— M*A*S*H TV series

Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, hes somebody whos tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I dont give a damn.

— M*A*S*H TV series time

Hawkeye: Thank, you Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a temperature of 109 stroke 10. Im afraid you cant have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go. Unless, of course, you go first.

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Hawkeye: No, you cant have any Limbo. In fact, you cant have - anything - stroke nothing, which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Henry: Holy cow! Reading charges Insubordination! Conduct unbecoming officers! Violations of Articles 13 through 27 with a repeat on 26!

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Henry: If you guys didnt outclass every bit of surgical talent in Korea, your tails would have been in handcuffs a long time ago.

— M*A*S*H TV series time

Henry: Did you really yell Give me an incubator or give me death? Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a NINCOMPAC?

— M*A*S*H TV series death

Sidney: I dont know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.

— M*A*S*H TV series sex

Radar: Uh, sir, if youre thirsty. Compliments of Colonel Blake. Scotch. Gin. Vodka. And for your convenience all in the same bottle.

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Hawkeye: He was bleeding, Henry. And Frank, here, who studied medicine under General Rommel was too chicken to operate. He was afraid that under anesthesia the lieutenant might give away Harry Trumans hat size!

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Hawkeye: Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.

— M*A*S*H TV series time

Henry: I dont care if she did put an ice cube in your underwear! Girls will do that. You mustnt hit her with the dog! Now until I get back, youre the man of the house. Yes, I know Mommy thinks she is, but you really are!

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Henry: Dont tell me. I dont want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, Im not even here, so how could I? Radar!

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasnt here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.

— M*A*S*H TV series day

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonights midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we wont be getting any casualties.

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Mulcahy: Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for seeing us through this day, and ask for Thy divine help for tomorrow.

— M*A*S*H TV series heaven

Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse whos bigger than a breadbox that youre seeing on the side?

— M*A*S*H TV series you

General Steele inspecting Radar OReilly: The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! Relenting and patting Radars shoulders Enlisted men . . . backbone of the Army! Where are you from, son?

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Hawkeye: Look, youre doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Dont endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. Ill carry your books, Ill carry a torch, Ill carry a tune, Ill carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, Ill even hari-kari if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

— M*A*S*H TV series books

Margaret: Captain Pierce! Major Burns, acting Commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refused to release Colonel Flaggs prisoner.

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.

— M*A*S*H TV series freedom

Hawkeye: I didnt have a choice, its all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think Id be more useful as a cocktail waitress.

— M*A*S*H TV series time

Klinger: Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo then a teeny-tiny, one-two-three honeymoon!

— M*A*S*H TV series moon

Hawkeye: as Frank, in his wedding film, is about to cut the wedding cake Watch the cake die of malpractice.

— M*A*S*H TV series die

Henry: You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If youre not in here every five minutes complaining about them, theyre in here saying youre Hermann Goering in drag!

— M*A*S*H TV series pain

Trapper: Anatomy Practice. Yeah, they dont let us use real people. The sauce? Well, uh.. they dont let us use fake blood either. You understand!?

— M*A*S*H TV series people

PA Announcement: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Hawkeye: After Klinger says liver. Dont say Liver! You say that word again, Ill set your teeth on fire!

— M*A*S*H TV series live

Frank: I dont care what Captain McIntyre said, I have never cared, and at this point I dont care twice as much as I never cared before!

— M*A*S*H TV series care

Radar: about the dog Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchenalthough I dont like being cruel to animals.

— M*A*S*H TV series animals

Henry: talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb Do I know, Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, Id like to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.

— M*A*S*H TV series self

Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.

— M*A*S*H TV series past

Hawkeye: I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihans father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Flagg: My orders are to do whatever it takes to break up this penicillin ring, and I have written permission to die in the attempt!

— M*A*S*H TV series hate

Radar: walking very slowly into the OR, shortly after Blakes departure I have a message: Lt. Col Henry Blakes planewas shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in . . . there were no survivors. He leaves, fighting tears

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Radar: over the PA: Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officers office, sirs!

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Potter: Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.

— M*A*S*H TV series live

Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. Im section eight, head-to-toe. Im wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mothers wedding gown. Im nuts. I should be out.

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Potter: Horse hockey! Ive seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It aint gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Hawkeye: Theyll keep coming whether Im here or not. Trapper went home, theyre still coming. Henry got killed and theyre still coming. Wherever they come from, theyll never run out.

— M*A*S*H TV series home

Hawkeye: An un-person? Now Im an un-person. Do you know that right now back in Maine my father, not realizing Im undead, is at this moment mourning his un-son.

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Hawkeye: Oh, you dont, huh? He just rattles around in that empty house, gives my things away to the Salvation Army and ages a couple of years for every day he thinks Ive shaken off this khaki coil!

— M*A*S*H TV series age

Frank: into walkie-talkie Attention all Allied personnel: There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise: I am directly under the brightest one.

— M*A*S*H TV series stars

Potter: sees Frank holding a machine gun Burns, didnt I see your face in the post office? Who wants to take first watch over the prisoner?

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Potter: All right. If you dont accidentally shoot yourself in two hours I will relieve you then. If you do, Ill relieve you earlier.

— M*A*S*H TV series self

Radar: waking up North Korean thinking hes Potter: Sir? Sir. Sir. Holy socks! Bumps into Maj. Burns Sir I didnt mean to wake you.

— M*A*S*H TV series thinking

Frank: Wake me? You thought I was asleep? No I was just trying to see what our prisoner would do. I flushed him out of the woods.

— M*A*S*H TV series sleep

Flagg: to Potter When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now! The last CO they had here couldnt make a decision without a months warning.

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Potter: Im not fond of personal abuse, Colonel. I was in this mans Army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth.

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Flagg: Youre only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Hawkeye: Well, we could be bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again.

— M*A*S*H TV series art

Frank: dictating his will To Major Margaret Houlihan my friend my comrade my little soldierI leave all my clothes.

— M*A*S*H TV series will

Hawkeye: Klinger, what civil war hero said Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead. And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Hawkeye: Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the Star-Spangled Banner by standing on your toes.

— M*A*S*H TV series true

PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonights movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.

— M*A*S*H TV series men

Potter: Ive got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.

— M*A*S*H TV series wife

Potter: talking to his wife on the phone: Im perfectly fine mother. Yes its just as Radar said, Im at the Officers Club.

— M*A*S*H TV series mother

Potter: Take it easy, the womans not a nitwit. Whats that Mother? Oh I do respect your premonitions. Yes, it was you who said my sisterd go bald. Happily youre wrong this time.

— M*A*S*H TV series time

Hawkeye speaking to a pregnant Korean woman: By the way, Im a doctor and I can tell you for certain that youre pregnant. And we know what causes that nowadays too.

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Hawkeye: Meat? Whered you get meat? This is fantastic! Waitwheres the dog? Sees the dog come in This is fantastic!

— M*A*S*H TV series you

BJ: Corporal Klingers a corpsman. Hes a good soldier. Hed prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Potter: The man does his job; Ill give him that. Im not saying Id want an entire company of Klingers.

— M*A*S*H TV series man

Frank: The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.

— M*A*S*H TV series leaders

BJ: Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, its my hobby. I cant divide myself emotionally. I couldnt break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because its not the right thing to do. I simply dont want to.

— M*A*S*H TV series god

Hawkeye: And Im a captain, fella! Which means if were blown up, Ill fly higher than you! So put it out!

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Hawkeye: A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war its also raining on the other side of the street, and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Father Mulcahy: When the doctors cut into a patient and its cold, the way it is nowsteam rises from the bodyand the doctor will---will warm his hands over the open wound. takes a deep breath How could anyone look on that and not feel changed?

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Colonel Potter: My pleasure, Now you take World War 2. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it. Now then I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. Ive known Bink Hamilton for going on thirty years. I am the godfather of his grandson Sherman Potter Hamilton! Fifteen years old and can name twenty-four of the forty-eight states already has an appointment to West Point!

— M*A*S*H TV series god

Frank: Im fine, Mom. Well actually, Im not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Hawkeye: Thats right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think youre disgusting.

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Klinger: as a Korean girl stares at his dress This is what happens to you when you dont eat your vegetables.

— M*A*S*H TV series you

Burns: I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!

— M*A*S*H TV series think

Frank: I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. Id kill her before Id divorce her!

— M*A*S*H TV series marriage

Sidney: Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, Ill take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.

— M*A*S*H TV series age

Hawkeye: Look Colonel, Ill heal their wounds, treat their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds.

— M*A*S*H TV series will

BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they dont twist. Andwe gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.

— M*A*S*H TV series war

Frank: angered Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihans appendix better than any of you guys!

— M*A*S*H TV series anger

Potter: quietly to Mulcahy You said it, brother uh, Father. aloud, to Frank Burns, she doesnt want you here!

— M*A*S*H TV series you

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