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Malcolm in the Middle

Lois: Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you dont have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands
— Malcolm in the Middle self
Francis: Oh, couldnt be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think Im really starting to turn around.
— Malcolm in the Middle art
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
— Malcolm in the Middle anger
Lois: I am warning you, if you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school and I mean it really. do you hear me.
— Malcolm in the Middle war
Nurse: Whats not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
— Malcolm in the Middle people
Malcolm: I cant stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--youre supposed to be my friend and you dont even care.
— Malcolm in the Middle thinking
Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, whos looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
— Malcolm in the Middle men
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
— Malcolm in the Middle time
Stevenson: You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Francis: Im sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but Ive been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.
— Malcolm in the Middle men
Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
— Malcolm in the Middle man
Lois: No, no. Isnt A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: Its a far, far, better thing I do right before he steals the loaf of bread?
— Malcolm in the Middle read
Malcolm: Mom, I cant wear Reeses hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the flys broken, and it smells like wet dog.
— Malcolm in the Middle broken
Hal: If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this I like you. I HATE you! Now, I LOVE you! LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away! Look at me! Look at me, Im crazy! Pay attention to me! Im an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!
— Malcolm in the Middle love
Lois: Wait a minutesomebody stepped in somethingoh my Godoh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
— Malcolm in the Middle god
Lois: Homework?! Youre not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if youd taken proper care of him in the first place.
— Malcolm in the Middle life
Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why dont you just go play army man somewhere else?
— Malcolm in the Middle life
Malcolm: They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldnt leave us alone without getting something, and I knew youd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.
— Malcolm in the Middle alone
Malcolm: I had to think of the one place theyd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person theyd never think Id give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.
— Malcolm in the Middle think
Malcolm: You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Francis: So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didnt mean to?
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Lois: Do you think were wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God thats someone elses children, but its not, its always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, youre always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, so help me.
— Malcolm in the Middle god
Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!
— Malcolm in the Middle money
Lois: Dont you ever ask me for anything ever again. I shouldve just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Lois: Whose damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHOSE DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! tries to open the truck door but is locked Trapped inside, and all the windows rolled and its 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! no one responds Okay! Okay! Its nobodys damn dog. So, I guess nobodys gonna mind picks up a rockif I just do this. smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog Oh, dont be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois face turns to fear as she takes off
— Malcolm in the Middle fear
Lois: OK, let me get this straight -- weve been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
— Malcolm in the Middle waiting
Hal: All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. lets the Toyota pass him by Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! Its just an accident waiting to happen.
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Francis: OK let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And theres no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!
— Malcolm in the Middle hate
Reese: WE OWN YOU ALL! No one is safe. We are the kings of this block. Did you hear me, world? ViolencejustgotalittlemoreRANDOM!
— Malcolm in the Middle world
Francis: No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!
— Malcolm in the Middle fear
The Boys: Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! they throw it and watch with excited faces, then they later change to a disgusted one
— Malcolm in the Middle change
Lois: inside a batting cage I got news for you, kid. Im a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.
— Malcolm in the Middle age
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, shed laugh in your face.
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Francis: I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.
— Malcolm in the Middle god
Lois: I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner
— Malcolm in the Middle people
Lois: Hal, I dont want to ditch out of this. Im looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.
— Malcolm in the Middle war
Spangler referring to the damage the local girls wrought: Id say we got off lucky. This happened once before in 72; we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.
— Malcolm in the Middle age
Abe: Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
— Malcolm in the Middle story
Spangler: We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: were going to keep it quiet.
— Malcolm in the Middle society
Spangler: Lets hope thats all they do, cadet. Im afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.
— Malcolm in the Middle hope
Kitty: Stevie, what the hell do you think youre doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? Stevie is about to speak Dont you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!
— Malcolm in the Middle home
Kitty: Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!
— Malcolm in the Middle mind
Malcolm: Whoa, interesting dinner. Stevie beat the crap out of Reese, his dad got drunk, and his mom went totally psycho. Oh my god, were contagious!
— Malcolm in the Middle god
Reese: You know what nobodys mentioned, is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldnt even kill the three of us. I gotta tell ya, Im not impressed.
— Malcolm in the Middle men
Hal to an army general: Well, the thing is that when we saw the fence we did not know if we were going in or out, Malcolm, do you want to explain it?
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Patty to Malcolm; on the phone with Francis Francis? Is that Francis? Tell him its Patty Henderson from 8th grade algebra.
— Malcolm in the Middle wit
Dewey gets up and dances: Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. repeats over and continues dancing
— Malcolm in the Middle dance
Hal: Its too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! Were talking primal animal urges! Im gonna let nature take its courseAND KILL HIM!
— Malcolm in the Middle nature
Lois: And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or you can come back to the moteland indulge your primal urges with me.
— Malcolm in the Middle choice
Hal: looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again Dont trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just dont try to talk people out of. calming down I have a legitimate situation here.
— Malcolm in the Middle people
Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.
— Malcolm in the Middle real
Lois: Oh, emergencies like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?
— Malcolm in the Middle time
Hal to Dewey: Now, this last bat is tricky, son. You see, if he lands in our hair, hell bite, get tangled, and keep biting. But if he lands in your hair, hell just bite once. So, I want you to go in and lure him out. Okay?
— Malcolm in the Middle hell
Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bats vision we see Deweys mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the familys viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it
— Malcolm in the Middle war
Hal: Well, I dont know about you, but I sure feel great. The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.
— Malcolm in the Middle body
Lois: Remember that pain. Whenever something else creeps in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.
— Malcolm in the Middle pain
Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked Heres your stupid safe!!!!
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Malcolm to the camera: Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it wouldve been only a matter of time anyway.
— Malcolm in the Middle time
Malcolm to the camera: I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.
— Malcolm in the Middle art
Lois cleaning up: Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.
— Malcolm in the Middle people
Hal coming out of the shower: Reese, leave your brother alone. to Malcolm Although you are asking for it.
— Malcolm in the Middle alone
Lois: Oh, you look fine. The bells on Malcolms costume jingle And Reese will tell me if you take these off.
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Malcolm to the camera: When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now!
— Malcolm in the Middle god
Caroline: Oh, come on. Weve studied this. There is nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.
— Malcolm in the Middle life
Lloyd: Hes not going to the dentist. Hes going to the dentist. Its the secret code for the school therapist.
— Malcolm in the Middle school
Lois: And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. Its gonna be our new family project.
— Malcolm in the Middle family
Reese: Nope. Beside, I want them to remember whos boss when theyre living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. Theyre gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.
— Malcolm in the Middle living
Malcolm: What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble wed be in if we get caught. With Mom, with the school, WITH MOM!!
— Malcolm in the Middle school
Reese: Give me a little credit, psycho. Ive been doing my own research. takes rental videos out See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and the Nutty Professor.
— Malcolm in the Middle silence
Lois: while cleaning out the closet Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?
— Malcolm in the Middle school
Malcolm: It was normal. Yeah, Id say normal. Very medieval. pointing in the closet Is that a truck tire?
— Malcolm in the Middle die
Dewey: Live, live, die! Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away Live, live, live, live, die! Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters
— Malcolm in the Middle man
Dewey: Silence! Seize him! Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings
— Malcolm in the Middle art
Hal: All right, son. I think its time you goose-stepped off to bed. Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off
— Malcolm in the Middle time
Lois: Hal! Why is this still here! Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror Ow. Reese runs in when he hears noise
— Malcolm in the Middle society
Lois: Honey, we talked about this. We cant fly you back in the middle of the week; youd only be here for 8 hours.
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Lois: Sweetie, Im sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and thats all we can afford right now.
— Malcolm in the Middle home
Lois: Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?!
— Malcolm in the Middle art
Dabney: How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? Lloyd and Stevie stare at him points somewhere Hey, shes cute.
— Malcolm in the Middle cute
Reese: Watching in amusement It was just a flat old tennis ball. Sometimes I dont know why he does the things he does.
— Malcolm in the Middle time
Lois to Malcolm: At least shes not suing us. You just be thankful we have absolutely nothing of value in this house.
— Malcolm in the Middle value
Mrs. Griffin: as she is driving, she feels an itch inside her cast and lets go of the steering wheel Ooh, damn cast itches like a Greek sailor. Malcolm tries to turn the wheel Stop pawing at me!
— Malcolm in the Middle win
Malcolm: to the camera I cant believe how horrible she is. Im just gonna ignore her. turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffins robe open; Malcolm is shocked
— Malcolm in the Middle believe
Reese: It doesnt matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!
— Malcolm in the Middle will
The Krelboynes are enjoying their joyride with Malcolm at the wheel. Soon the boys hide except for him.
— Malcolm in the Middle joy
Lloyd: Oh, come on! When we gave you the warped lunchtray. When we dulled the points on your pencils. When you sneezed and no one said Bless you.
— Malcolm in the Middle war
Francis: Trust me, yes, she does — she will ruin it, I swear! Whatever Mom tells you, dont do it. And dont do the opposite, either! The way its worked for me is Actually, its never worked for me.
— Malcolm in the Middle work
Cynthia: Yeah, my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan, but I think the real reason is that my moms remarriage hit him pretty hard and he thinks that a new environment would help. The truth is nothings been the same after my brother died in a boating accident.
— Malcolm in the Middle truth
Lois: Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. approaches the door and looks through the peephole
— Malcolm in the Middle cute
Lois: Your quite welcome. Im sure if my son wasnt a rude selfish little pig, he would have invited you himself.
— Malcolm in the Middle self
Reese: Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend to pass the potatoes? Cynthia hands Reese a bowl of mashed potatoes Malcolm, can you thank your girlfriend for me?
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Cynthia: Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? imitates Lloyd Ive noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. imitates Dabney Wow! Im impressed. Wanna kiss? Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd I was hoping youd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney Waiting such sweet agony. Malcolm & Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd Okay, Im ready. imitates Dabney Oh, no, Im not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. imitates Lloyd Oh, youre such a tease.
— Malcolm in the Middle kiss
Malcolm & Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves
— Malcolm in the Middle kiss
Malcolm: Yeah, and that kid, Josh, told everyone I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five.
— Malcolm in the Middle sex
Malcolm: to the camera You know, why plan my future when its just gonna be a wall of paint crashing down on me? Im just gonna enjoy being a kid again.
— Malcolm in the Middle pain
Craig: Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off
— Malcolm in the Middle you
Hal: filled with rage since he cant finish the painting Fine! You want to see me finish it! Ill finish it!!! picks up some paint and splashes it around the board How about some here and there how about there??? suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it
— Malcolm in the Middle pain
Lois: It doesnt matter how I feel about them. Its not like I can trade them for someone else. You cant pick your parents. Youre pretty much stuck with whoever you get.
— Malcolm in the Middle parents
Reese: If the futures gonna be half as bad as Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are gonna be mutants, coackroaches, and me. All living underwater.
— Malcolm in the Middle future
Francis: Oh, youre kidding! So did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?!
— Malcolm in the Middle love

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