Margaret Cho

Whenever anyone has called me a bitch, I have taken it as a compliment. To me, a bitch is assertive, unapologetic, demanding, intimidating, intelligent, fiercely protective, in control — all very positive attributes. But it’s not supposed to be a compliment, because there’s that stupid double standard: When men are aggressive and dominant, they are admired, but when a woman possesses those same qualities, she is dismissed and called a bitch. These days, I strive to be a bitch, because not being one sucks. Not being a bitch means not having your voice heard. Not being a bitch means you agree with all the bullshit. Not being a bitch means you don’t appreciate all the other bitches who have come before you. Not being a bitch means since Eve ate that apple, we will forever have to pay for her bitchiness with complacence, obedience, acceptance, closed eyes, and open legs.

— Margaret Cho men

On , interview with

— Margaret Cho wit

Something traumatic happened to me when I was younger. I was with this old black woman, and she was very wise, very , The Color Purple...she looked at me and she says, "Baby...you know I used to be able to fly but I can't fly no more, baby. But baby, you...? You too fat to fly."

— Margaret Cho man

I was working on this movie and the makeup artist was just so ugly! I just wanted to say "Physician, heal thyself!" She looked exactly like Aaron Neville, and she was trying her hardest to make me look exactly like Aaron Neville. This one time, she leaned into my face with the mascara wand almost touching my eye and she says, "Whass my name?"

— Margaret Cho time

So I was drinking tequila, and I was drinking grappa, which is Italian for gasoline, and I was drinking J

— Margaret Cho drinking

And I got so drunk, I got so drunk that I actually woke up thinking, "Should I get up and pee, or just pee in the bed?" Actually weighing the pros and the cons. "Well, it'll be warm for a minute...it's a big bed, I'll just roll over...I'll just blame it on that guy!"

— Margaret Cho war

This old fellow came up to me and asked, "Excuse me, are you Japanese?" No, I'm Korean. "Oh, really, that's very interesting, because I was looking at you and I knew you were not Filipino. I have many Filipino friends and you do not look like them because you're very HUSKY!!" Is that supposed to be some kind of a compliment? "Oh, no, it's not bad, you're very strong, very HUSKY!"

— Margaret Cho men

[An article about Cho] started out, "Funny, sexy, zaftig Margaret Cho..." What is "zaftig?" Isn't that German for "big fat pig?" I guess I was lucky- "zaftig" is kind of a nice word. It could have been, "Funny, sexy, OBESE Margaret Cho."

— Margaret Cho art

I love the word "faggot," because it describes my kind of guy! You see, I am a fag hag. Fag hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without us, you're nothing! We have been there all through history guiding your sorry ass through the underground railroad! We went to the prom with you!

— Margaret Cho love

I love my gay male friends, but when I was a little girl, I always used to wish that I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys, and I am, and I should have been more specific.

— Margaret Cho love

Thank God for gay men. Thank God for gay men, because if it were not for gay men, I would not talk to men at all.

— Margaret Cho men

If I'm talking to a guy who's straight and cute and single, I'm like, "Are you a unicorn?"

— Margaret Cho sin

The Chippendale's dancers are gay. They're gay. Because there is no such thing as a straight man with visible abdominal muscles. You have to suck cock to get that kind of muscle definition. It doesn't work for women. You know, I tried, OK?

— Margaret Cho women

One of my first jobs was on a lesbian cruise. I was the ship comedian for the Lesbian Love Boat.

— Margaret Cho media

So I was on the ship, with 800 lesbians. We can't get off. So much drama. "Were you looking at her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her or her? WELL, WERE YOU?!" We all got on the same cycle.

— Margaret Cho you

There was this really prim and proper British woman who used to run horse races for the lesbians on the ship, and the lesbians would get to name the horses, and the really prim and proper British woman would have to read out the names. "Horse number one, Galloping...Clitoris. Horse number one, Galloping Clitoris. Very well, carry on. Horse number two...No Dick for Me. Horse number two, No Dick for Me. Rather a rude name, don't you think? No Dick for Me? Should be, No Dick for Me, Thank You."

— Margaret Cho man

I slept with a woman on the ship, and afterwards I was thinking, "Am I gaaaay? Am I straaaaight?" And then I realized: I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?

— Margaret Cho war

My mom used to give me messages like this: "Ummmmmmm...Scott called...IS HE THE GAY??!!" "Well, God, mom, I don't know if he's the gay...that's a lot of pressure on just one guy. He has to do the parade all by himself! 'I'm here! I'm queer!...I guess I'm the only one.'"

— Margaret Cho self

A Korean reporter once asked me, "Do you think your Korean parents are ashamed because you talk about what you talk about on stage?" I said, "I don't think they're ashamed because they're Korean. I think any parents would be ashamed."

— Margaret Cho age

published this thing called the "Chow like Cho Diet," which was this fake diet that I never went on, with all these fake quotes from me, like "When I was a little girl, I was raised on rice and fish. So when I get heavy, I go back to that natural Asian way of eating." That is so Mulan. You can almost hear the mandolin in the background. "When I was a little girl, I grow up on the rice paddy... and although we have no food, I have a tendency to put on weight."

— Margaret Cho quotes

It was hard for me to do the show () because a lot of people didn't even understand the concept of Asian-American. I was on a morning show and the host said, "Awright, Margaret, we're changing over to an ABC affiliate! So why don't you tell our viewers in your native language that we're making that transition?" So I looked at the camera and said, "Um, they're changing over to an ABC affiliate."

— Margaret Cho people

[quoting her producer] "The network is concerned. They're concerned about the fullness of your face. They think you're really overweight and you're going to have to do something about it." I didn't know what to say to that. I always thought I was decent looking; I had no idea that I was a giant face taking over America! HERE COMES THE FACE!!

— Margaret Cho work

We were taping the episodes of the show. I guess they had decided they could now fit my face onto a TV screen, and they wouldn't have to letterbox it.

— Margaret Cho

I was on the floor in the emergency room, and the woman came up to me and said "Hi, my name is Gwen and I'm here to wash your vagina!"

— Margaret Cho man

The first thing that you lose on a diet is brain mass.

— Margaret Cho you

I knew I was crazy because I was watching Jesus Christ Superstar and the part where Jesus carries the cross up the mountain, I actually said to myself, "Wow! That must be a really good workout! Yeah, because you're doing arms and cardio!"

— Margaret Cho art

I stood in front of a hundred and one critics at a critic's convention and a critic asked me, "Miss Cho, isn't it true that your management asked you to lose weight to play the part of yourself in your own TV show?" Gail [the producer] grabbed the mike from me and said, "There is no truth in that whatsoever." I...was so...hungry.

— Margaret Cho truth

So they cancelled our show, and gave the time slot to , because he's so skinny.

— Margaret Cho time

I gave a LOT of unnecessary head. And I know that guys are going to argue with me about this. "Oh, Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head! All head is necessary! All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head."

— Margaret Cho world

I am not gonna die because some network executive thought I was fat! It's so wrong! It's so wrong that women are asked to live up to this skinny ideal that is totally unattainable. For me to be ten pounds thinner is a full-time job, and I am handing in my notice and walking out the door!!

— Margaret Cho women

I am not gonna die because I failed as someone else. I am gonna succeed as myself. And I'm gonna stay here and rock the mike until the next Korean-American, fag hag, shit starter, girl comic, trash talker comes up and takes my place!

— Margaret Cho art

No matter what these terrorists do, I refuse to be terrorized. All this requires is just a few alterations in our day to day lives. For example, my first instinct when I receive an envelope full of white powder...is to snort it! I just won't do that this time!

— Margaret Cho time

I had a colonic irrigation in this clinic in Santa Monica, because people in Los Angeles cannot do anything for themselves, much less take a shit.

— Margaret Cho people

I didn't know if I was going to mention my period on stage, but then I figured, ifhad a period, he would talk about it.

— Margaret Cho men

Quoting her friends from high school, Alan and Jeremy

— Margaret Cho friends

It's just that it's been my experience in having sex with some straight men that the sex is over when he gets off. And I don't accept that. I want to have an orgasm. Not right now! This is the Isaac Stern Auditorium! No, I want to have one. I'll put a chalk board over the bed. One...one.

— Margaret Cho sex

I can't even look at those "women's magazines" anyway. I love fashion, but I look at the pictures of the skinny models, and they're wearing clothes I can't even fit on my fingers. And I look at that and I think, if that is what a woman is supposed to look like, then I must not be one.

— Margaret Cho love

I urge you all today, especially today in these times of terrorism and chaos to love yourselves without reservation and to love each other without restraint. Unless you're into leather; then by all means, use restraints.

— Margaret Cho love

This is a very strange time we're living in, and I would feel a little bit better if George W. Bush could say the word "nuclear" correctly. You would have thought somebody would have said something by now. At the very least,would have got up in his face, "Foo', it's NU-CLE-AR! Imma have'ta write it down fo'ya!...I'm makin' flash cards for the President. This is...[shaking her head] mm-mmmm."

— Margaret Cho time

Monogamy is so weird. Like when you know their name and stuff.

— Margaret Cho weird

I helped deliver one of my best friend's children. I just was so amazed by my friend, because she was not just a woman, she was not just a mother. At that moment she was creation; she was life; she was God. And as I looked in her eyes, BOOM! Her pussy exploded.

— Margaret Cho life

I am secretly a costume drama queen. Oo, I love me some Merchant Ivory films! I do! If there is a petticoat and Helena Bonham Carter, already I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. I love me some period films! And I know that I will never be in them. I will never be in any of these movies, unless I am laying down on my side smoking some opium. And I get offered movie roles all the time, but I say, "No! No! I don't want to play a manicurist. I don't want to play a really pissed-off liquor store owner. I don't want to go nowhere with a chicken under my arm. I don't want to play an exceptionally good student, I do not want to get off a tour bus and take numerous photographs, I do not ever want to utter the phrase, 'Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond'! I don't want to write down all my memoirs about being a geisha!" What it is, is that I cannot run up a wall!!

— Margaret Cho love

The only thing that was sort of Asian [as a role model] was Hello Kitty. I don't want to model myself after Hello Kitty. She has no mouth.

— Margaret Cho self

I get nervous when people say to me, "I just can't tell any of you Asians apart!" Um, why do you have to tell us apart? Are we gonna be separated for some reason? I can't tell us apart! I was not born with a chip in my neck that would automatically identify every Asiatic person that I would come across. "beebeebeebeebeep Filipino."

— Margaret Cho art

I was on a plane, and the steward was coming down the aisle. "Asian chicken salad...Asian chicken salad...Asian chicken salad..." And he gets to me and he's like, "...chicken salad!" What does he think I'm gonna do? "Dis is not de salad of my people! In my homeland, dey use mandarin orange slices...and crispy wonton crunches!"

— Margaret Cho war

Women and eating disorders have such a long history, but now I see it happening to gay men. And when it comes to anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphia, gay men are far worse than women. They take it way more seriously. "Why diet when you can take crystal meth?"

— Margaret Cho women

I'm very inappropriate, which makes me a problem dinner guest, because at some point during the evening someone inevitably says, "OK, heh heh heh, OK, too much information! Heh heh heh. Don't go there!" I live there. I bought a house there.

— Margaret Cho live

[on reacting to racism] I don't wanna be the better person. I don't wanna rise above it. I do wanna sink down to their level. I am not gonna turn the other cheek. "I'mma gonna show you what cheek I'mma turn, OK!"

— Margaret Cho sin

I got back from Toronto, where they had a severe outbreak of SARS- you know, Severe Asian Racism Syndrome.

— Margaret Cho you

I was in the airport and there were these big snowboarder guys and they had white masks around their necks, and as soon as they saw me, they put their masks on. So I just went, "*cough, cough, cough* You wanna egg rorr?"

— Margaret Cho snow

I would rather have a gay child. If you have a gay son, you know he's not gonna be shooting up his high school. That would get in the way of yearbook.

— Margaret Cho book

[on having a gay child] And the Three Wise Drag Queens would come, bearing gifts of 1000-thread-count sheets, hair products by , and a copy of the .

— Margaret Cho gay

I would be happy to have a gay child. He would be a , and he would teach all the other Boy Scouts how to build a fire with two sticks and a back-handed compliment.

— Margaret Cho men

Silence equals nonexistence. If I don't give too much information, if I don't go there, it's like I was never there in the first place. I noticed this most right after September 11, when there were no gays or lesbians invited to give their opinion about what was going on. There were no women invited to give their opinion. There were hardly any people of color invited, and if they were, they were Muslim-Americans and Arab-Americans talking about the violence that they'd experienced because they shared the same skin color as the terrorists, which is heinous and dumb! That's like arrestingbecausepunched that woman!

— Margaret Cho women

I am hurt because somebody just got called a fag, or a dyke, or a pansy, or a sissy, or a bulldyke, or a chink, or a nigger, or a kike, or a wetback, or an injun, or a jap, or a bitch, or a whore, or a cunt, and unless to you that's a term of endearment...in the right context, it is...that person is being attacked because of who they are, and I don't accept that.

— Margaret Cho men

If racial minorities, sexual minorities, feminists both male and female, hell, all liberals got together and had this big "too much information," "go there," voice...that would equal power. And that power would equal change. And that change would equal a revolution.

— Margaret Cho change

I think that gay people should have the right to get married by Elvis like everybody else.

— Margaret Cho people

Why do Republicans hate gay marriage so much? They certainly don't hate gay prostitutes.

— Margaret Cho marriage

The Pope was so sick he couldn't even come to the window, he was so sick all he could manage is a "BLAAARGH (vomiting)". But even that "blargh" was anti-gay.

— Margaret Cho man

The Pope talks so much shit. The Pope was castigating the media for making gays look normal. YEAH, you're a real GOOD judge of normal, with your gold dress and your matching gold hat, living it up in the Vatican with 500 men surrounded by the finest antiques in the world! Queen, please! You live like Versace did!

— Margaret Cho men

The way some of these politicians talk about homosexuality is very insulting. They treat it like it's a disease, like being gay is contagious. Being gay is not contagious. And if you think that it is, YOU'RE GAY.

— Margaret Cho sex

Talking tois like talking to an Ent. You know, the tree people from Lord of the Rings...[imitating an Ent] I believe that all Americans should have affordable healthcare...

— Margaret Cho people

[About Christian Groups] They have no rights to call themselves "Christians", because they have no Christianity to them; they have no kindness, no compassion, no charity. I want Jesus to come back and say: "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

— Margaret Cho passion

I want morning-after pills more than over the counter; I want morning-after pills with my check at dinner. I want morning-after pills on my hotel pillow when I go to bed at night.

— Margaret Cho night

But Bj

— Margaret Cho

I vowed to myself if I ever go to one of these award shows I'm gonna wear some kind of a bird. So I went to the Grammys last years I had a dress made out of peacock feathers. And I didn't win a Grammy, was named worst dressed. And that's impressive, because if you win a Grammy you had to just beat out what, three, four people? But if you're worst dressed you beat fifteen thousand people! I beat ! I beat !

— Margaret Cho war

Why do they think "fat dyke" is an insult? To me that means, "I'm-a eat fried chicken and pussy."

— Margaret Cho think

Do I look like a happy-ending to you?

— Margaret Cho happy

I think it's very important to feel beautiful. I think it's very political to feel beautiful, especially if you're Queer, because if you're Queer you have to take on the world every single day of your life, so you have to feel beautiful to survive.

— Margaret Cho life

And I have to explain what a G-spot is for all the gay men. A G-spot is basically this button in your vagina, that if you push it, it turns it on. You push it and makes a sound like... (imitates Mac start-up sound). That's if you have a Mac vagina... I don't know what noise it makes if you have a PC. ... I have a Mac sexuality. Don't touch my anus, because that is like my Force Quit. ... You will lose any unsaved changes.

— Margaret Cho art

I see evidence of my own racist brainwashing when exploring the landscape of current foreign policy. (about North Korea) My association is so painfully cloe that avoidance is the only way I know to retain my identity. Its ridiculous and embarrassing. I hate feeling this way, because it forces me to see how deeply racism has affected me. Prejudice and bigotry rot me from within, and the strains of these viruses are hearty and hard to kill. I had always regarded the world of political humor as the exclusive domain of white men and immediately disqualified myself from participation. I know better now, its immensely pleasing when I'm referred to as a political comedian... Self-hatred is a devastatingly difficult habit to break, especially when we are mostly unaware of it.

— Margaret Cho humor

Just as we pull up to this place...I notice two very large American flags...It's as if there was a need to emphasize the Americanness of this place. "We are American" says the first flag. "No we really are!" says the second. It struck me as enormously sad, somehow awkward and tragic. I love America. I'm not moving. It's cool. I just dont like seeing dead people. We have no idea what our nation is doing in our name. I don't want to be anyone's captor, anyone's torturer. I feel 100% responsible, even though there's nothing I could do to prevent it. What good is my guilt if its not felt by those supposedly in charge? Its unacceptable to me, both as an American and as a human being. We justify those atrocities because, well, they're doing their best for their country, but then again, that exactly what the hooded executioners...

— Margaret Cho love

If you are not a feminist, you do not deserve to live. Do you think you grew out of the ground? What people need to understand is pussy is the Front Door to Life. Do you get that? Nobody ever thinks about it like that in the dusty ancient cabinet of old white men that think they know everything. Feminism is nonnegotiable. With salons all over the West serving up specialties like "Barely Legal", removing all hair from the area to replicate the genitalia of an underage girl, as statutory rape seems all the rage. All of them who need to tell ladies to stop talking about sports and stay on the sidelines, because we are baby-making machines.

— Margaret Cho people

Body dysmorphia has got to go.Its similar to a disease called "crazy eyes" not the way others look at you, but the way you see yourself. The insanity which we use as our vision.... There was never a lack of reasons to hate myself, to hate my body. Since the unfortunate victims pay for the pleasure themselves these are HIGH CRIMES that will go UNPUNISHED because they are self-inflicted. The quiet messages that affect and alter the way we view ourselves are controlled by an elite group of ignant men. I am admittedly insecure about my racial identity, an attitude that has much improved since my younger days when I absolutely abhorred it. Any attention paid to me being different was incredibly shameful...but the mirrors became too much...what a disappointing reality check!

— Margaret Cho reality

When your young and hungry and nobody's ever really accepted you because of your color and class, the hurt of your own family having cast you out in the first place still inside you somewhere, you dance hard because there is no other way to live, and when opportunity knocks its more of an abduction than a housecall. Swept up in a grand illusion that I might be able to eat, have a roof over my head, own some pretty dresses and realize, in a vastly heady way, that I could make a living doing my art, which was the only dream I ever had, what could I say but "Yes, where do I sign?"

— Margaret Cho art

Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion. A matter of taste, a whim, an eye, a beholder, an opinion, a spin, light crossing the frame, paint, projection. The moment. Context.

— Margaret Cho pain

We have been threatened by a local conservative group who said they will picket the show unless I am fired and taken off the bill and replaced by someone else. Sorry. I am now more excited than ever to meet y'all. Personally, if you are going to picket a show, fine, but the fact that you are picketing my show, means you are stepping up to me, which means some very bad things could possibly happen to you.

— Margaret Cho fire

Then there is , who essentially said that if Kerry is voted in as president, terrorism will hit America again. How is that? Is Cheney going to make some calls? Apparently he has the hook up.

— Margaret Cho will

This presidential race is the biggest dick contest in history. "Your dick is indecisive!" "Your dick started an unnecessary war!" "Your dick didn't get injured enough in Vietnam!" "Your dick didn't even go to Vietnam!" "Your dick is soft on terrorism!" "Your dick started terrorism!" "Your dick blamed Vietnam vets for atrocities that made all vets unable to come home to a hero's welcome." "Your dick forged its way out of military service!" Has this kind of dick-waggling happened before outside of a pro-wrestling context?

— Margaret Cho war

It is a good life, if I watch myself. Kind of like when I used to diet, but now instead of limiting calories, I will not allow negative self-talk. I cut out insults like I cut out carbs and it is hard as hell because I crave self-abuse like hot, fresh sourdough bread, but you know you have to be nice to you if you are going to live together.

— Margaret Cho life

To start telling people that you're beautiful, or just feel beautiful, just start acting like you are the most beautiful woman in the world. And it really improves everything! Because your sort of psyche responds to it - like this is truthful!

— Margaret Cho truth

Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart.

— Margaret Cho art

Being called ugly and fat and disgusting to look at from the time I could barely understand what the words meant has scarred me so deep inside that I have learned to hunt, stalk, claim, own and defend my own loveliness.

— Margaret Cho love

To me, marriage is really important and what we build families on. That's why gay marriage is really important.

— Margaret Cho marriage

Why go through life feeling cheated? It does nothing but make you bitter.

— Margaret Cho life

The power of visibility can never be underestimated.

— Margaret Cho power

I love drugs, but I hate hangovers, and the hatred of the hangover wins by a landslide every time.

— Margaret Cho love

Comedy was the key to everything. I grew up fast and controlled my future by bringing it on faster than it naturally unfolded. I cheated myself out of a childhood but then got a running headstart into adulthood that no one else could keep up with.

— Margaret Cho art

Interventions are really emotionally exhausting and I would never ever want to have one. In the same way, I would never want to have a surprise birthday party. That would be horrible.

— Margaret Cho art

Sometimes the only way to deal with horrific things in life is through a dark sense of humor.

— Margaret Cho humor

People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in.

— Margaret Cho friends

Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion.

— Margaret Cho man

Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever.

— Margaret Cho life

The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide.

— Margaret Cho men

If you say you're not a feminist, you're almost denying your own existence.

— Margaret Cho existence

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex - ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant.

— Margaret Cho sex

Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty doesn't mean it does not exist.

— Margaret Cho beauty

Try to love someone who you want to hate, because they are just like you, somewhere inside, in a way you may never expect, in a way that resounds so deeply within you that you cannot believe it.

— Margaret Cho love

I am in love with Counting Crows. It is so manly and American.

— Margaret Cho love

Usually, if you smile at them and show some interest in the toy, they will give it to you. That's a straight up Democrat move!

— Margaret Cho smile

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