Married with Children

Al: No maam, thats impossible. Because for the last hour Ive been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I really shouldve been easing them into the box. So what Im saying is Im anything but fresh. By the way, you might want to tell John Henry to give the $100 pumps a rest.

— Married with Children sin

Al: Thats not my ad, maam. Thats the former owners. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.

— Married with Children kill

Al: Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just cause I dont go to bed with you doesnt mean I dont love ya. I mean, lets face it, even if you were beautiful — like that girl on TV — Id still ignore ya. Cause youre my wife!

— Married with Children love

Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least hes a good protector.

— Married with Children hate

Steve: Well, number one: he didnt respond to any of my commands And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

— Married with Children man

Al: Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. Theyd look after the kids and wed go out and have a good time. Thats the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?

— Married with Children women

Al: Ill tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but its work for us. Everythings work for us. Its this equality thing, its killing us. You know who I blame?

— Married with Children women

Steve: Its not just a car, honey — its a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.

— Married with Children history

Peg: Oh, another fishing catalog. What am I looking at, Al? The apron that says, He catches em, I cook em. He eats em, I love him?

— Married with Children love

Al: Nah, youd wear it, but you wouldnt mean it. No, I was talking about the five-and-a-half-foot meteor-graphite bait casting rod, with the high-speed star drag level wind reel.

— Married with Children you

Al: Now remember, kids, this is your mothers first day at work. Shes probably a little nervous, a little insecure. So when she comes down those stairs I want everyone to stand behind her like a family — and try not to laugh.

— Married with Children family

Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.

— Married with Children art

Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day theyll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.

— Married with Children world

Peg: In the sixteen years Ive been married to Al Ive learned there are certain things never to ask for. Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports, unless womens gymnastics are on, then you got a shot. Never approach him for sex in the morning; he thinks that is just disgusting. And never ever tell him hes right.

— Married with Children women

Peg: Because hes a man, Marcy. And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks hes right is Al. Believe me, I know this from experience.

— Married with Children experience

Kelly: All right, who put this ad in the paper? Cheap blonde, 16, looks 30, seeks job out of state. No reading or writing, please?!

— Married with Children writing

Al: Kelly, when I was a kid, there were lots of parties I wasnt invited to. I showed up anyway. I stood there with a big smile on my face and said, Im here. and headed right for the food. Sure, they didnt want me there, but I had a great time. And if they didnt, so what? The point is if you want to be there, be there. Even if they hate you. Youre a Bundy. Start acting like one.

— Married with Children time

Steve: They think back: Lets see who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, lets turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life. Of course Ill turn you in, and as soon as were both behind bars, Im going to kill you. And if I cant do it myself, Ill make sure my boyfriends bigger than yours.

— Married with Children life

Announcer: And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. Its believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing, Shoes! He sells shoes!

— Married with Children history

Buck: What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

— Married with Children joy

Al: Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasnt me who said Lets get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence. It wasnt meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

— Married with Children man

Peg: It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you wont even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

— Married with Children time

Al: Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, shell grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

— Married with Children family

Al: Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guys jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?

— Married with Children night

Al: A stripper who called himself Zorro came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.

— Married with Children self

Al: Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her womens meetings and you could come in and say something like 12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty? Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.

— Married with Children women

Marcy: Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I dont know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.

— Married with Children pleasure

Peg: Look, you dont have to give up anyAn hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesnt come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

— Married with Children sex

Marcy: Im so excited! Steve has been gone for 5 days. Thats the longest weve been apart since weve been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for 5 days?

— Married with Children art

Peg: Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.

— Married with Children sex

Peg: Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?

— Married with Children live

Marcy: Al, the law says that if you are sent something which you did not order, not only are you not required to return it, but you can keep it and use it.

— Married with Children law

Al: Well, when the bill comes, itll come to Buck What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff em? Beat the hell out of em? And so what if they did?

— Married with Children hell

Bud: They gave Buck a credit card. Dads using it cause he didnt ask for it. So he doesnt have to pay. Yknow, like when you get records you didnt want.

— Married with Children sin

Al: If it was only that easy. Im gonna have sex with her. Yeah, its kind of a tradition. Every Valentines Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. Its a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

— Married with Children sex

Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- Im sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! Youre compost! Youre phlegm! You are a true pork product!

— Married with Children art

Al: Whats it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impail me on a fence? Come on Bink, dont keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!

— Married with Children time

Bink: Ok Steve, you and Marcy are going up against an old married couple who may not love each other as much as you and your bride. As always we picked them from our studio audience for the way they filled out our questionnaire: Why I Hate My Spouse. From right here in the windy city. Hes a shoe salesman. Shes a waste of a human life. Married for 16 years meet Al and Peggy Bundy.

— Married with Children love

Al just had a flashback telling about the mean librarian, Miss DeGroot, and how she was infamous for her stirring sugar in coffee

— Married with Children coffee

Al: Yes maam, but what our problem is what were dealing with is not what Webster meant by feet. Now lets face it girls, what we got here are rib roast with nails. Now what I suggest is surrounding your toosties with those brown potatoes, wrapped in foil and served with dry wine.

— Married with Children you

Al: I dont know, Peg. Im constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

— Married with Children life

Al: Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.

— Married with Children life

Peggy: Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.

— Married with Children love

Steve: I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Wholl have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? Its pathetic. Whats my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says Please?

— Married with Children love

Marcy: Oh, Peggy, Im so worried about Steve. Hes acting very strangely. Last night we had sex and he wore a sombrero.

— Married with Children sex

Al: Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didnt like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.

— Married with Children people

Al: I dont tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!

— Married with Children live

Peggy: You know, I dont think a bankers party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell Hey, lets wet down the wives T-shirts and rate their hooters!

— Married with Children art

Al: You think I want this? Do you think I appreciate old guys in granny glasses asking me if I like the new Grateful Dead album? That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine. They take away the pinball machinebring in the video game. I do not care if a monkey can make it to the top of a buildingunless he was going up there to defenestrate his wife! I do not want a hair salon, I want the barber pole, I want the dog in the corner, I want my hair cut by a man who likes girls but not women.

— Married with Children women

Al: Hopefully, wherever they buried Tony, they buried him face down so he wouldnt have to see my shame. Cause Al Bundy is going to get washed and blown.

— Married with Children hope

Al: Come on, guys! Lets go out and find a fire hydrant, stick our heads in the hole and wash the gay away!

— Married with Children fire

Al: And move fast! After that, none of us care how long it takes and spare no expense, but we find ourselves a barber!

— Married with Children care

Al: Well, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.

— Married with Children win

Al: Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

— Married with Children you

Al: Peg, let me explain something. Since youre the only one buying the cosmetics, youre not actually making any money.

— Married with Children money

Al: Ah, yes. But you send them much bigger ones. And in business, thats that we call SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! Why didnt you sell any makeup, Peg?

— Married with Children business

Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customers tray.

— Married with Children

Marcy: If I had my way, Id have them round up everyone of those inconsiderate savages, bury them up to their necks and run them over with the grain reaper.

— Married with Children age

Steve: Oh come on Marcy. This is so easy a chimpanzee could do it. All they need to do is check mail, newspapers, and see if anything is suspicious.

— Married with Children need

Steve: Besides they are are our neighbors and they look likePeg and Al are rubbing their hands and leering with glee like a drunk who just won a free six-pack of beertrustworthy people.

— Married with Children people

Marcy: Oh all right. We have to get on the road before it gets jammed in order to make it to my parents house anyway.

— Married with Children parents

Steve: Thanks Al. It should be pretty routine while I am gone. Oh, and if a chimp comes around, tell him we could not wait any longer.

— Married with Children

Al: Peg, I dont wanna go to our high school reunion. Cant we just forget the good times and get on with our lives?

— Married with Children time

Peg: Well, well, if it is not Connie Bender. I still remember what she was known by Connie Bender, bring a friend, it wont offend her!

— Married with Children friend

Steve: Al, I invented the 99 cent coin. Have you ever noticed how things cost $7.99? $14.99? $99.99? My coin will eliminate the messy change that only catches the attention of obnoxious beggars who hassle you on the way to your Mercedes. Think of it, Al. Anything you want, you just plunk down old number 99. Its a plan without flaws.

— Married with Children change

Steve: Whose should it have been? Yours? Look, Al, you gotta see your dream through, Buddy. All they can do is laugh at you.

— Married with Children dream

Kelly: Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They dont have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe youre aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, youve got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs cant run away! And then theres the dead. You know, a girl whos been dead long enough might even think that youre a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, theyre used to being undressed by sexless boys.

— Married with Children truth

Al: Labor Day what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back

— Married with Children life

Al: Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing, and looks at Peggy having sex with our spouses.

— Married with Children sex

Al: Ah, this is gonna be just great. You know, theres nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, and good food and good friends. sobs Oh, God. What a charade! looks at Peggy Oh, God!

— Married with Children god

Peg: There are two things Peggy Bundy doesnt do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent. And number two: exercise.

— Married with Children

Marcy: Peggy, I really dont think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability Al ranked below ALF, which means theyd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a mans hand in it than with your husband.

— Married with Children love

Steve: Oh no, not you, I was talking about some other hick. Listen, Marce, the hick is staring at me. Ive gotta go.

— Married with Children you

Al: Hey, Steve, Im glad I caught you. I need a loan. Yeah, itll be great, Im gonna open a phone line. Now, I know what youre thinking; its just another sex line, but its not! This is something I know something about! Ready? 555-SHOE!

— Married with Children sex

Al: Yknow, Bud, youre starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see theres some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.

— Married with Children art

Al: Ah, its no use. I know that sound. Thats a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Lets go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.

— Married with Children death

Kelly muttering as she gets out: Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, youre starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.

— Married with Children art

Al: Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I dont have an actual family, Ill say it to you. I have decided that its time for me to buy a new car.

— Married with Children time

Al: All right, everybody, lets hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, 300 years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes vroom. Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

— Married with Children love

Peg: Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But Ill never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, whats the family plan for Christmas this year?

— Married with Children family

Al: You are right. Tell you what, forget about the lights and use your power to make the Hee Haw girls appear.

— Married with Children power

Angel: I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesnt respect you. Your kids think youre a failure. A good day for you is when you dont come across any new foot diseasesBelieve me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said Hit me. But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!! Oh, yeah! When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookiebut when I found my grandfathers teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. Thats when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?!

— Married with Children love

Al: There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. Weve lost our spirit of self-reliance. Somethings broken, call someone. Somethings leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?

— Married with Children self

Peg: Its a good thing I did the taxes. If claiming two children as dependents gets you $300, imagine what 23 kids is worth!

— Married with Children children

Al: Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why dont you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, Ol Empty?

— Married with Children self

Kelly: Oh no, wait, not that one, the other famous national park Yosemite Mispronounces it yose-a-might.

— Married with Children

Peg: Come on Marcy, lighten up. I will give it another whirl. Come on baby, give a seven or send me up to Heaven!

— Married with Children light

Marcy: Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

— Married with Children food

Bud: Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?

— Married with Children life

Al: Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say I do they put on forty pounds, and the only hike youll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.

— Married with Children women

Kelly: Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.

— Married with Children man

Marcy: Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didnt remember the next day?

— Married with Children you

Al: You see, yard sales are based on the Bigger Idiot Theory. That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot wont come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her Mom.

— Married with Children ya

Bud: The babes will be calling plenty soon. Im a senior now. A mover. A shaker. Im the man. Ive got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now Im a senior. And ready to rule. This year hes back, hes cool, hes dry.

— Married with Children self

Al: God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.

— Married with Children god

Peg: Oh good, Bud is back from the store. Did you get our gift for Grandma? Remember, it was one of those larger women romance novels.

— Married with Children romance

Bud: Yes, I remember. They were all sold out of The Pie Man Always Rings Twice, so I had to go with her second choice, The Red Fudge of Courage.

— Married with Children courage

Al: Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before theRed THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and couldve made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.

— Married with Children life

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