Pepperpot #1: I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab. Interviewer: Yes, we find that 9 out of 10 British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo Butter and a dead crab. Various Pepperpots: It's true… We can't… No. Pepperpot #2: Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you? Interviewer: [humbly] Yes, yes… Pepperpot #2: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo Butter [points with handbag at the butter] from a dead crab [points with handbag at the dead crab]. Various Pepperpots: Yeah, yeah. Pepperpot #3: You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face. Pepperpot #4: [quietly] Yeah, with a razor. .
Voiceover: It was a fantastic success. Over 60,000 times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke [Cut to stock footage ofreturning from Munich and holding up the Munich Agreement, the "this is peace in our time"-bit.], and one whichjust couldn't match. [Cut to stock footage of Hitler giving a speech.] Hitler: [subtitle] My dog's got no nose! Soldier: [subtitle] How does he smell? Hitler: [subtitle] Awful! .
Narrator: In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again. .
Ken: I'll tell you what's wrong with you: your head's addled with novels and poems! You come home reeking of Chateau La Tour! And look what you've done to mother! She's worn out from meeting film stars, attending premieres, and giving gala luncheons! Dad: THERE'S NAUGHT WRONG WITH GALA LUNCHES, LAD! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners! [grabs arm and screams] Mum: Oh no! Ken: What is it? Mum: Oh, it's his writer's cramp! Ken: You never told me about this... Mum: No, we didn't like to, Kenny. Dad: I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here. Mum: Oh Ken! You'd better go ... Ken: All right. I'm going. Dad: After all we've done for him... Ken: One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture... There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat! Dad: Get out! Get out! Get OUT! You ... LABOURER! .
Arthur Nudge: Eh? know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more! Man: Look, are you insinuating something? Arthur Nudge: Oh, no no no no... yes. Man: Well? Arthur Nudge: Well, you're a man of the world, squire... you've been there, you've been around. Man: What do you mean? Arthur Nudge: Well, I mean, you've done it... you've slept... with a lady. Man: Yes. Arthur Nudge: What's it like? .
Colonel: Watkins, why did you join the army? Watkins: For the water-skiing and the travel, sir. Not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir: "no killing". Colonel: Watkins, are you a pacifist? Watkins: No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir: I'm a coward. Colonel: [disgusted] That's a very silly line. Sit down! .
Teacher: [to a student] So, we want to learn about pointed sticks, do we? Feeling all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough, eh? Oh, oh, oh. Well, let me tell you something, my lad! When you're walking home tonight, and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! .
Mr. Figgis: , , , , , Panties ...I'm sorry ... , ,and . Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats, why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-Von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-n .
Superintendant Praline: Now, this item, "Crunchy Frog". Am I to understand there's a real frog in here? Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: Yes, a little one. Superintendant Praline: What sort of frog? Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: A dead frog. Superintendant Praline: Is it cooked? Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: No. Superintendant Praline: What, a raw frog?! Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose. Superintendant Praline: That's as may be — it's still a frog! Do you even take the bones out? Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it? .
Mr. Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off the mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot! .
[Mr Salzburg has just fired two of his writers for his new film, and is closing in on another one] Mr Salzburg: You! Writer #4: Ah, well, I... I think it's an excellent idea! Mr. Salzburg: Are you a yes man? Writer #4: No! I mean, I have a few things against it! Mr. Salzburg: So you think it's lousy! Writer #4: No, no! I mean, it takes time! Mr. Salzburg: ARE YOU BEING INDECISIVE? Writer #4: Yo! Nes! Perhaps! [runs out the door] .
Arthur Wilson: [talking to George Head about the trek to Mt. Kilinmanjaro, after he explains about the route] Does anyone speak Swahili? George Head: Oh, I think most of them do down there. Arthur Wilson: Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir? George Head: Well, the matron's got a smattering. Arthur Wilson: Apart from the two matrons. George Head: Good God! I forgot about that. Arthur Wilson: Apart from them, who else is coming? George Head: Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins, two botanists called Maychen, the William Johnston brothers- Arthur Wilson: Two of them? George Head: No, four of them; pair of identical twins. And a couple of the Ken Zobana quads; the other four pulled out. And of course, you two. .
Bevis: [explaining his fear of cutting hair to his customer] When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only way to cure it was to become a barber! So I spent five ghastly years at the Hairdressers' Training Centre at Totnes. Can you imagine what it's like; cutting the same hair for five years?! I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack! .
Kenny Lust: Now, every so often here in the Refreshment Room it is my honor, my privilege, to welcome some the truly great international artists. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and gentlemen, someone who've I've always personally admired. More deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than anyone before. A man, no, more than a man, a god! A great god whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful, that my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean, until holes wore through my tounge! A man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my filth than dare tread on the same stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink! [crowd applauds] Stage-hand: He can't come! Kenny Lust: Never mind. He's not all that's cracked up to be. .
Man: [letter read aloud] Dear Sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the song which had just broadcast about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Ms.). P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times. .
Victor: [to his girlfriend Iris] I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you. It's silly isn't it? Iris: No, not at all, sweet Victor. Victor: No, I didn't mean that. I meant the fact we've spent time close together for so many months in the soft toy department, yet never truly daring to- Iris: [bemused] Oh, Victor. Victor: Oh, Iris. .
Arthur Name: [at the door, greeting Victor] Hello! Remember me? In the pub; the tall thin one, with the moustache, about three years ago? Victor: Well, uh- Arthur Name: Ay, it's dark in here. [turns on the lights] That's better; you told me we must have a drink together sometime, so I decided to take you up on it, as the phone society meeting was cancelled. [turns towards Iris] 'Ello! I'm Arthur, Arthur Name. Name by name, but not by nature. I alsways say that, don't I Vicky boy? Is she your wife? Victor: Not really, but- Arthur Name: Oh, I get the picture. Don't mind me; I know all about one-night stands. Victor: [insulted] I beg your pardon?! .
Mr. Equator: [introducing himself to Victor] Good evening. I'm Equator; Mr. Equator. Like 'round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. Audrey: [laughs hysterically] Mr. Equator: And this is my wife, Audrey. She smells a bit, but she has a heart of gold. Victor: There must be some kind of mistake, because this isn't- Mr. Equator: [of Iris] Who's she? Who's the bird? Victor: I- Mr. Equator: You've got a nice pair there, haven't you, love? [fondles Iris by the breasts and kisses her, causing her to spazz out] Shut up, you silly bitch. It's only a bit of fun. .
Audrey: [as Arthur Name is getting drinks for everyone] Three cans of beans for me. Mr. Equator: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore! Audrey: I only want three cans! Mr. Equator: BUTTON YOUR LIP, YOU RATBAG!! [both burst into hysterical laughter] That was rather witty, wasn't it? .
Victor: Get out! All of you; get out!! Mr. Equator: I beg your pardon? Victor: I'm throwing you all out! I'm not going to have my house filled with filthy perverts. Now, I'm giving you half a minute to leave or I'm calling the police! Mr. Equator: I don't much like the tone of your voice. [shoots Victor dead] .
Mr. Anchovy: I've been a chartered accountant for 20 years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live! Counselor: Well, chartered accoutancy is a rather exciting job, isn't it? Mr. Anchovy: Exciting?! No, it's not! It's dull! Dull, dull, my God it's dull! It's so dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull! Counselor: Well, er, yes Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in , they're a positive boon. .
Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou. Everybody: There's a man behind you? Chief Constable There'samanbehindyou: No, you're not going to fool me with that one. .
: Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead but I in Peterborough Lincolnshire's house was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to nasty running sores , and vos unable to go in the streets and play football or go to Nuremburg. ah. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, who's not doing war crimes. Oh... and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, And I vos head of Gestapo for 10 years. [Mr.elbows him in the ribs] Five years! [Hilter elbows him again, harder] No! No! Nein! Vos not head of Gestapo at ALL! I make joke! .
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