Mrs Doubtfire 1993

[a mugger tries to snatch Mrs. Doubtfires purse]Daniel: [grabbing him] BACK OFF, ASSHOLE! BEAT IT![startled, the mugger runs off]Mrs. Doubtfire: [slipping back into character] Broke my bag, the bastard. Ooh!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 art

Miranda: What happened?Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh Im sorry, am I being a little graphic? Im sorry. Well, I hope youre up for a little competition. Shes got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. Its her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, its like a prison movie. Amazed she hasnt chipped her teeth.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 hope

Stu: [about Daniel] What can I say, Ron? The guys a loser. See ya.Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.[Takes a lime and throws it at Stus head. Stu looks back, angry]Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. Ill get them, sir. Dont worry.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 ya

Natalie: Were his goddamn kids too.[Miranda gives Daniel a dirty look]Daniel: [nervously] Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things.Miranda: [sarcastically] Thank you. Any other choice phrases youd like to teach our five year old, Daniel?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 god

Daniel: Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say this is not my life?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 life

Lydie: Freeze, or youre gonna get it.Chris: In the balls.Lydie: Yeah.[pause]Lydie: Shes got em?Chris: Shes got everything.Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire; in his own voice] All right. Listen to me. Im not... who you think I am.Chris: Yeah, no shit.Daniel: Watch your mouth, young man.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] My first day as a woman and Im getting hot flashes.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you dont mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winstons idea of foreplay was Effie, brace yourself.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 hope

Bus Driver: [after noticing Mrs. Doubtfire has hairy legs] I like that Mediterranean look in women. Natural, healthy. Just the way God made you.Mrs. Doubtfire: [modestly] Well, He broke the mold when He made me. He made me very special.Bus Driver: He sure did.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 god

[at the taping of a childrens show]Daniel: They should have a little disclaimer that says Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show. Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 war

[Trying to get false teeth out of glass]Mrs. Doubtfire: Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?Daniel: Uh-huhMiranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?Daniel: I was in a band, Severe Tire Damage.Miranda: In a band?Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?Miranda: Umm, Ill have to get back to you.Daniel: Wow!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 light

Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad] I am job.Miranda: Do you speak English?Daniel: I am job.Miranda: Im sorry, the position has been filled.[Hangs up]Miranda: What a nightmare!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 sin

Daniel: Wow, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?Tony: Not exactly.Daniel: What do I do?Tony: Well you take all these cans, you box em, you ship em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them, then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?Daniel: After you box them...?Tony: You ship em. Lotsa luck, smartass.Daniel: I think I made a friend.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 art

[at the pool]Stu: Your days on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you, dear.[Stu leaves]Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and Ill drown you, you bastard.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Daniel: [Yiddish accent] Oi, it was such a shandw! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel. Its so chewy.Daniel: [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like Bubbi. This is not working.Frank: You know this isnt working, but dont worry its a work in progress. And youre my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.Daniel: God bless you.Frank: I think were gonna have to do the entire face.Daniel: But look at this nice thing though we have here.Daniel, Frank, Jack: [singing] Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 god

Daniel: [Discussing the boring childrens show] What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for twenty-five years?Jonathan Lundy: Me.[introductions, ending with:]Daniel: Im Daniel Hillard, former employee.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 children

Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.Daniel: God bless you. You know Im feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.Jack: Mmm-hmm.Daniel: I cant lie to you. Its beautiful with him.Jack: Mmm.Daniel: I dont know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I dont know, maybe this is too much for them?Frank: I think well have to go to the next level: latex.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 love

Cop: Maam, are you aware that its against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area?Miranda: What if youre married to one?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 war

Natalie: Were in the middle of Charlottes Web. Whos gonna finish it?Daniel: Well, Grandma will finish it for you.Natalie: [whispers] Shes not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices. She smells funny, too.Daniel: Thats the formaldehyde. Thats why Grannys so well preserved.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 funny

Mrs. Doubtfire: [after monkey jumps up and scares her] Ooooh, you wicked, wicked monkey!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Chris: You dont really like wearin that stuff, do you, Dad?Daniel: [as Daniel] Well, some of its comfortable. No! Its a pain in the padded ass!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 pain

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice] Sorry Im late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.[Takes a drink of scotch]Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?Daniel: Yeah?Jonathan Lundy: Why in Gods name are you dressed like a woman?Daniel: Oh, damn. Well, Id like you to meet the host of your new show.Jonathan Lundy: Host?Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfires voice] Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.[pause]Daniel: Surprise!Jonathan Lundy: Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfires voice] Im a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 god

[at the pool]Mrs. Doubtfire: Not a single body that exists in nature, look at that.Lydie: [looks askance at Mrs. Doubtfire]Mrs. Doubtfire: [in a threatening tone] Lydie.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 nature

Daniel: Well, lets take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. Youre a different person. You really are. Youre great.Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.Daniel: Well, well move. That way our problems wont follow us.Miranda: Daniel, please dont joke. Were far apart. Were different. We have nothing in common.Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other... Dont we?Miranda: I want a divorce.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 love

Daniel: I got off early.Lydie: You mean you got fired?Daniel: No, I quit. For reasons of conscience.Lydie: Actors.Daniel: [to Chris] Hey, dude! Congratulations on your twelfth birthday, all right! Got a surprise for you!Chris: Ooh, a stripper?Daniel: No, please!Chris: Two strippers?Daniel: Haw, boy!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 science

Lydie: [Chris and Lydie are stunned upon finding out their father is Mrs. Doubtfire] Who did this?Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack, and this is just a body suit, I didnt have any surgery.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 body

Maitre D: Smoking or non-smoking?Stu: Non-smoking.Mrs. Doubtfire: Smoking!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Mrs. Doubtfire: All right everybody, its time to expand your minds, its...[turns off the TV]Mrs. Doubtfire: Homework time. Okay?Lydie: [turns the TV back on with the remote] Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.Mrs. Doubtfire: [turns off the TV] No. Now.Lydie: [impatiently] No.[turns the TV back on]Lydie: We always watch Dick Van Dyke.Mrs. Doubtfire: Really? Well, not anymore.[takes the remote control from Lydia and throws it in the air. It lands straight into the aquarium]Mrs. Doubtfire: The only thing youll be watching... is Deep CNN.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] I admire that honesty, Natalie, thats a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 politics

Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script; why did you add it?Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.Lou: What situation?Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin Oprah Winfrey special.Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, its like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying light up.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 art

Mrs. Dupree: I dont do laundry, I dont do windows, I dont do carpets, I dont do bathtubs, I dont do toilets, I dont do diapers...Miranda: Um, my children have been potty-trained for quite some time.Mrs. Dupree: Well, I dont do washing, I dont do basements, I dont do dinners, and I dont do reading![Miranda shows Mrs. Dupree to the door and gives Lydie the slitting your throat gesture as she walks away; Lydie checks Mrs. Duprees name off the list]

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Frank: [on the phone with his mother and gets sidetracked by a man mask Jack is making] Enough already, its a man.Jack: How would you know?Frank: Bitch.Evelyn Hillard: This is your mother youre talking to.Frank: [interrupting] No, Ma, not you, I was talking about the dog.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

[after seeing Mrs. Doubtfire peeing while standing up]Chris: Lydia! We gotta call the cops! We gotta dial 911 now!Lydie: Why?Chris: [stammering] Mrs. Doubtfire! Hes a she! Shes a he! Hes a she-she.Lydie: What?Chris: Hes half-man, half-woman.Lydie: [screams] WHAT?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?Miranda: Yes, I did.Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 love

Mrs. Doubtfire: Can you help me with something, I found this outside.[holds up Mercedes hood ornament]Stu: Uh, yes, this is off my, uh, Mercedes.Mrs. Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 men

[at a fancy swimming pool]Mrs. Doubtfire: Isnt this posh? Ill bet its very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Daniel: Could you make me a woman?Frank: Honey, Im so happy![hugs Daniel]Daniel: I knew youd understand.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

Miranda: [shocked] The whole time? I mean the whole time?Miranda: [furious] The whole time?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Frank: [Daniels Mrs. Doubtfire mask has been run over by a truck] Would you be careful with this one? Shes an old woman.[Daniel leaves]Frank: Why wasnt I an only child?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

Daniel: [to the toy dinosaurs] Take five. Take five million. Youre dead.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 you

Lydie: This is exploitation. Its not fair!Natalie: Shut up, Lydie.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 lie

Mrs. Doubtfire: [after turning the TV off and tossing the remote into the aquarium] Between the hours of 3 PM and 7 PM, Im in charge. And when Im in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do *not* follow the schedule will be punished.Natalie: [whispering to Lydie] Punished?Natalie: Shes lying. Shed never punish us.Mrs. Doubtfire: [evilly] Dont fuss with me.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 evil

Daniel: [talking about his apartment] I was going kind of a refugee motif. You know, fleeing my homeland kind of thing. But look at you. This lovely Dances With Wolves motif. Whats your Indian name, Shops With A Fist?Miranda: Are my children ready yet?Daniel: No, our children are not ready yet. Because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 love

Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all.Miranda: Who needs a husband when Ive got you?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 law

Miranda: I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts. You bring home the goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 god

Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.Mrs. Doubtfire: [startled] What?Miranda: Youre going into the mens room.Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 art

Miranda: Are you OK?Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood, that would make my day! He is such a stud muffin!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 thought

[Frank is on the phone with his mother. He covers the mouthpiece to speak to Daniel]Frank: She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.Daniel: No way!Frank: [uncovers mouthpiece] He says hell think about it, Ma.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 hell

Jonathan Lundy: [after Daniel tells him about an ex in the dining staff] Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?Daniel: Hey, its the 90s!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 you

Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today were gonna talk about dinosaurs. Its a dino-sorus line![sings fanfare]Daniel: And now ladies and gentlemen, the King.[hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex]Daniel: Hey thank you, Ima make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus![James Brown style]Daniel: Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I cant go on, cant go on, Im goin extinct! Now its time for the Raptor rap.[raps]Daniel: Yo Im a Raptor doin what I can gonna eat everything til the appearance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, Im living below the soil, Ill be back but Im comin as oil!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Lydie: I just want to apologize for being such a pain today.Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, dear, its all right.Lydie: No, Im - Im really sorry. Its just, Im still kind of messed up about everything.Mrs. Doubtfire: We all are, sweetie.Lydie: What?Mrs. Doubtfire: I just mean I understand the pain youre all going through.Lydie: Yeah. Well, I also wanted to thank you.Mrs. Doubtfire: For what?Lydie: For making my mom so happy.Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh...[chuckles]Lydie: She hasnt been in this good a mood since... I cant even remember. Its been a long time.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Stu: [asking the family if theyd like to go in the pool] How about you, Mrs. Doubtfire?Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, you wicked, wicked man! Isnt there enough flesh here to feast your eyes on?Stu: Oh, come now, Mrs. Doubtfire, dont be bashful.Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear. I think theyve outlawed whaling.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 family

Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a German accent] Yeah, my name is Elsa Emmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have.Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.Daniel: Oh, a boy... I dont werk with the males, cause I used to be one.Miranda: [hangs up] Yikes!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Miranda: [Answering the phone] Hello?Daniel: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Dont make me get the hose! Hello?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire telling Lydia and Chris about him as Mes. Doubtfire] Well now that you know, You cant tell mom, Because If she finds out, Ill only be able to see you through plate glass, OK? and you cant tell Natalie, cause shell blow my cover.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 hell

Daniel: May I see the ad? Miranda, I just want to look at the ad, I have a right as their father.Miranda: Fine. Here. Anything else you wanna see?Daniel: Are you offering?Miranda: Not any more.Daniel: Whats the change?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 change

Miranda: [describes the benefits of having Mrs. Doubtfire] Were all doing so great.Daniel: Ohh. Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

Mrs. Doubtfire: Look, Nattie. Thats called liposuction.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Daniel: I feel like Gloria Swanson.Frank: You look like her mother.Daniel: Im ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 mother

[Mrs. Doubtfire is trying to discourage Mirandas new suiter]Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you bring cocktail sauce. Shes got the crabs, dear, and I dont mean Dungeness.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 hope

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, as I hold this cold meat, Im reminded of Winston.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 mind

[after Daniel has lost his mask]Mrs. Sellner, The Social Worker: Can I give you a hand?Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear, I dont need a hand.Daniel: [in his own Daniel] I need a face.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 work

Mrs. Doubtfire: [as the Meringue mask is melting off Daniels face] As you can see, I cant stay with you, dear. Im melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Mrs. Doubtfire: I must look like a yeti in this getup!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 doubt

Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?Daniel: Hmm?Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing ladies perfume?Daniel: Yes, I am.Jonathan Lundy: Are you wearing lipstick?Daniel: Yeah.Jonathan Lundy: Why?Daniel: It rubbed off.Jonathan Lundy: From whom?Daniel: [he pauses, trying to come up with an answer] Girl I used to date. Shes a waitress.Jonathan Lundy: A waitress? Here?Daniel: Oh, yeah. On the way to the bathroom... couldnt keep her hands off me.Jonathan Lundy: You dog.Daniel: [sniggers] You scallywag!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 you

Mrs. Doubtfire: [on the show] Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could it be and do we have enough time?[opens the door and finds the mailman]Mrs. Doubtfire: Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls! Hello, Mr. Sprinkles!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 time

Daniel: Newspaper? Are you taking one of those personal ads: DWF seeks WWM with BMW into light B&D?

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 light

Jonathan Lundy: Where the hell have you been? I took the liberty of ordering you another Scotch.Daniel: Bully!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 liberty

Mrs. Doubtfire: Marriage can be such a blessing.Miranda: So can divorce.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 marriage

Stu: People change, Ron. Im pushing 40. I dont want to spend the rest of my life by myself.Ron: Shes got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?Stu: Three terrific kids, and Im crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. Shes a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now.Ron: What about their real father?Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guys a loser.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 life

Daniel: [ad-libbing as Pudgy the Parrot] I will not do this! I cannot! Oh what a foul way for a bird to die! I dont wanna get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!Lou: Alright, cut! Cut!Daniel: Help me, help me!Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script, why did you add it?Daniel: Well I thought I should comment on the situation.Lou: What situation?Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a had cigarette shoved right into his mouth, is morally irresponsible!Lou: This is a cartoon, OK? This is not a frigging Oprah Winfrey special!Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this TV show. Its like sending them each a pack of cigarettes and saying Light up!.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 art

[Frank is making Daniels woman costume]Daniel: [singing] Dont tell me not to live just sit and putta. Lifes candy and the suns a bowl of butta. Dont bring around the cloud to rain on my parade.Daniel: Its not working. I need to go older.Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?Daniel: Whats the difference?Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.Daniel: What about Joan Collins?Frank: Oh, I dont think I have the strength. But I have some plaster.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 life

Mrs. Doubtfire: [Appears over the fridge with cream cake all over her face] HELLO![Mrs Sellner screams]Mrs. Doubtfire: Aw Im so sorry to frighten you, dear, I must look like a YETI in this getup!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 hell

Daniel: [panicking while putting on a grey womans wig and a bathrobe] Ah! Norman Bates!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 man

Daniel: [after his mask gets run over] Oh shit!

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993

Lydie: [deleted scene] Dad, why cant you just pretend?Daniel: To be what, honey?Lydie: Pretend to be Mrs. Doubtfire and pretend to be Pudgy the bird and all those other things. Why cant you and Mom just pretend to be happy?Daniel: We probably could.Lydie: And wed still be a family.Daniel: Yeah we would be, but wed be a pretend family, you know? It wouldnt be real. Youd know, youd know wed be acting. You cant act 24 hours a day, Im not that good an actor, today proved that. No, lifes more real and wonderful and acting is nice, its a job.Lydie: Its your job to be our father.Daniel: No its not a job, its a joy being your father, I dont have to play the part of your father, I am your father, I may act like a fool, but I am your father, okay? Always, rain, shine, its the one wonderful thing in my life.

— Mrs Doubtfire 1993 life

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