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NewsRadio

Beth: Fire him right here, right now, in front of everyone. Trust me, it will help you down the line. Youre not exactly establishing yourself as an authority figure with the staff.
— NewsRadio trust
Beth: Its like, you know how they say when its your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so nobody will mess with you?
— NewsRadio body
Dave: Why? Because Im the boss, Bill, thats why! Thats why, Bill. And I will not be manipulated, I will not be contradicted, and I will not be intimidated!
— NewsRadio man
Bill: Well, I didnt realize you were a man of such strong conviction, of such deeply felt moral tenacity, of such remarkable centeredness
— NewsRadio man
Beth: Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because Im afraid to come into work the next morning!
— NewsRadio work
Mr. James: Yeah, me neither. So what? Didnt stop me from building a million-dollar empire. Didnt stop you from becoming a what do you do again?
— NewsRadio you
Bill: Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene. He asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel. They say no. He says okay. I go on the air every eight minutes and say Still no news on that disabled train. Business as usual. Lets do it, people!
— NewsRadio people
Bill: Okay, how about this? Send reporter, transit police, tunnel-no-okay, me on air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah. Lets do it, people!
— NewsRadio people
Mr. James: A small error in judgment What exactly would that be, Dave? Would that be Matthews desk, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa or the second dinner with Lisa?
— NewsRadio men
Mr. James: No, they werent errors, Dave. They were decisions and thats your job. No, the only error I see is that youre letting your people push you around and make you second-guess your decisions.
— NewsRadio people
Beth: Okay, now I assume youre giving Lisa the Big Bonus, right? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?
— NewsRadio night
Dave: No, no I am not. I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesnt mean Im going to give her the Big Bonus.
— NewsRadio dating
Beth: Oooh. You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain shes getting the big bonus, dont you, Dave?
— NewsRadio you
Bill: You know what its like? Its like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.
— NewsRadio you
Catherine: I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.
— NewsRadio future
Tom: Yeah, I do. As I see it, Catherine, the future of business, well, the future of this country in fact is computers.
— NewsRadio future
Tom: Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games. Theyre, well, theyre like magic.
— NewsRadio magic
Tom: Well, Im between things right now, but all thats gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!
— NewsRadio change
Bill: Uh-huh. Well, its an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA Id give her five or six grand.
— NewsRadio women
Bill: Well, I dont really think thats germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.
— NewsRadio art
Mr. James: Youre sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staffs gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.
— NewsRadio people
Mr. James: No, people liked him. You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, You cant expect the troops to salute you if youre sleeping with the sergeant.
— NewsRadio people
Catherine: Oh, hes cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when its quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.
— NewsRadio time
Catherine: If you ever broadcast my age over the air again I will beat you to death with your own microphone!
— NewsRadio death
Bill: Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.
— NewsRadio work
Dave: I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. I cant tell you how excruciating and uncomfortable this day has been. I mean, what kind of professor sleeps with his sophomore students?
— NewsRadio man
Beth: Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting its obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man! But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.
— NewsRadio women
Lisa: I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everybody spends their whole day thinking about Bill McNeal.
— NewsRadio thinking
Lisa: Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and its all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.
— NewsRadio family
Lisa: Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?
— NewsRadio art
Dave: No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies But we like it!
— NewsRadio past
Bill: Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say shes over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. Whats the matter, Dave? Dont you like my cane?
— NewsRadio you
Dave: No, Bill, I believe the saying is Everybody loves a clown, which is what you look like with that thing.
— NewsRadio love
Dave: No, Bill, Im not jealous of her. Its just that its such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.
— NewsRadio attention
Matthew: Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. Its like hes zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.
— NewsRadio hate
Lisa: Okay, so the most important thing to remember is that we stick together, right? We are a unit. They take all of us, or they take none of us.
— NewsRadio right
Bill: All those in favor of maintaining a unified front stay here, those of you whod like to join my splinter group meet me in the mens room in five minutes.
— NewsRadio men
Matthew: Well, because I took the liberty of turning the clock back ten minutes, it is actually 12:05, which means you missed your midnight deadline yes!
— NewsRadio liberty
Mr. James: Matthew, that 12:00 was just a loose guideline. Im dealing with a corporation here, not magical fairies.
— NewsRadio magic
Beth: Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.
— NewsRadio crazy
Mr. James: Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.
— NewsRadio time
Bill: Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.
— NewsRadio confidence
Dave: Well, apparently if hes away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.
— NewsRadio art
Beth: Theo makes me think hes doing one thing but hes really doing something else. Hes just like every other guy Ive dated except he uses props.
— NewsRadio think
Bill: Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesnt make a lot of sense, but its always stuck with me.
— NewsRadio time
Beth: You know, I do not blame you. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go absolutely bitchcakes.
— NewsRadio you
Mr. James: All right, come on you two. Geez, I dont know. Its like everybodys going absolutely bitchcakes here today.
— NewsRadio body
Bill: Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God--it doesnt say anything about--
— NewsRadio god
Dave: All right, well, lets not go overboard. Lets try to remember that, at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.
— NewsRadio art
Lisa: Yes, theyre all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.
— NewsRadio man
Mr. James: If I increased the budget every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving around solid gold Cadillacs by now.
— NewsRadio time
Bill: No, thats just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
— NewsRadio sin
Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
— NewsRadio art
Bill: Theyre an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
— NewsRadio good
Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. Ill be at the sandwich machine if Im needed.
— NewsRadio age
Lisa: You do. Ive never been able to wear that dress because I just couldnt pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.
— NewsRadio you
Bill: And remember, people, its not whether you win or lose, because we are all going to lose in every possible category.
— NewsRadio people
Beth. No. My parents let me watch The Wizard of Oz when I was five years old and it gave me nightmares for years.
— NewsRadio night
Beth. No, Dorothy. For years I was convinced that a house was gonna fall out of the sky and crush me, and then some farmgirl was gonna come along, and steal my flashy red shoes.
— NewsRadio sky
Matthew: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.
— NewsRadio love
Lisa: Its awkward meeting the boyfriends parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?
— NewsRadio war
Dave: Then I will just tell them that youre a whore with Tourette Syndrome that I picked up at the airport.
— NewsRadio you
Mr. James: Oh no. Dave? Hes from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. Youre as American as apple pie, arent you, Dave?
— NewsRadio art
Dave: Well, youve got me, alright? Yes, yes, Im Canadian. And Im actually 46 years old, Im secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.
— NewsRadio children
Bill: Its not garbage. Its rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didnt even know I had ears.
— NewsRadio love
Bill: Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, Centrals lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter.
— NewsRadio time
Bill: You wouldnt know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.
— NewsRadio love
Dave: You suck. You suck. Howard Stern rules. If you can read this you are a dork. Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl. We need more complaint cards. Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy.
— NewsRadio war
Joe: Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?
— NewsRadio work
Bill: Joes right. How come every time theres a problem you assume that its one of us. What about them? What if it was that guy whos name I dont know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-
— NewsRadio time
Bill: Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I dont know.
— NewsRadio people
Bill: Dave, havent you ever heard the expression, When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?
— NewsRadio life
Dave: Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?
— NewsRadio lies
Bill: Have you ever heard the expression, Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?
— NewsRadio lies
Andrew: Dude, were still brothers. Its just that were not twins. And biologically speaking, were not actually brothers, either.
— NewsRadio logic
Andrew: No we dont. Im three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. Im Jewish! How old are you?
— NewsRadio you
Dave: According to these numbers, when Bills show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.
— NewsRadio people
Joe: There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.
— NewsRadio sex
Joe: Look, man, I dont care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.
— NewsRadio man
Joe: No matter how far technology advances its still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.
— NewsRadio technology
Joe: Im rewiring the phones for speed-dial, so like, if you have to call 911 you dont have to push a whole lot of buttons.
— NewsRadio you
Mr. James: Dave, please. You dont drop a piranha in a kiddie pool and then stick around to watch the bubbles.
— NewsRadio you
Lisa: No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.
— NewsRadio history
Mr. James: Ive got so many lawyers lined up to see me, youd think I had tobacco leaking outta my breast implants.
— NewsRadio man
Beth: They usually end up stalking me, so if youre lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.
— NewsRadio night
Lisa: Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.
— NewsRadio help
Lisa: Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!
— NewsRadio teaching
Lisa: Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. Im sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!
— NewsRadio love
Bill: Dave, there comes a time in every friendship when you have to say I never liked you. Get lost.
— NewsRadio friendship
Bill: Its like my father used to say: When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot.
— NewsRadio man
Bill: I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.
— NewsRadio art
Dave: Ill field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.
— NewsRadio think
Danny: You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, Hey, I want one of the little ones. But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.
— NewsRadio love
Dave: No, I think that if something were to happen to the car, the investigation might not be that aggressive.
— NewsRadio think
Dave: Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So leave.
— NewsRadio work
Bill: Thank you. Hasnt this been done before? I mean, it seems like every year another billionaire is trying to fly around the world in a balloon.
— NewsRadio world
Mr. James: Well, why the hell do you think Im doing this? I mean, the peer pressure among billionaires is incredibly intense. Bill Gates practically called me a nancy boy.
— NewsRadio hell
Bill: You know Lisa, Im generally considered the most callous person in the office. But today I gladly pass that hat to you!
— NewsRadio you
Mr. James: Dave, please, I dont think nows the best time to regale you with stories of my world famous root beer jacuzzi.
— NewsRadio time
Mr. James: Well, I was hoping we could call him a Jimmy James Rockin Ranger, but I guess intern has a ring to it too.
— NewsRadio anger

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