P. J. O'Rourke

#7415 P. J. O'Rourke

Iran and Iraq have been at war for five years now. The traditional present for a fifth anniversary is wood. Here's a gift suggestion: a big stick to beat some goddamned sense into their heads. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about god
#7416 P. J. O'Rourke

Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about men
#7417 P. J. O'Rourke

One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about responsibility
#7418 P. J. O'Rourke

No government proposal more complicated than "This note is legal tender for all debts, public and private" ever works. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about work
#7419 P. J. O'Rourke

Marijuana never kicks down your door in the middle of the night. Marijuana never locks up sick and dying people, does not suppress medical research, does not peek in bedroom windows. Even if one takes every reefer madness allegation of the prohibitionists at face value, marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about people
#7420 P. J. O'Rourke

I am a little to the right of ... Why is the Attila comparison used? Fifth-century Hunnish depredations on the Roman Empire were the work of an overpowerful executive pursuing a policy of economic redistribution in an atmosphere of permissive social mores. I am a little to the right of Rush Limbaugh. I'm so conservative that I approve of San Francisco City Hall marriages, adoption by same-sex couples, and New Hampshire's recently ordained Episcopal bishop. Gays want to get married, have children, and go to church. Next they'll be advocating school vouchers, boycotting HBO, and voting Republican. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about marriage
#7421 P. J. O'Rourke

Moore's new book, Dude, Where's My Country?, contains ten chapters of fulminations convincing the convinced. However, Moore does include one chapter on how to argue with a conservative. As if. Approached by someone like Michael Moore, a conservative would drop a quarter in Moore's Starbucks cup and hurriedly walk away. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about art
#7422 P. J. O'Rourke

There are two organizations pushing for change in November — al Qaeda and the Democratic party. And they both have the same message: 'We're going to fix you, America.' On the whole, the terrorists have a more straightforward plan for fixing things. They're going to blow themselves up. Although, come to think of it, Howard Dean did that. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about war
#7423 P. J. O'Rourke

No, it turns out Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction. And how crazy does that make Saddam? All he had to do was tell Hans Blix, 'Look anywhere you want. Look under the bed. Look beneath the couch. Look behind the toilet tank in the third presidential palace on the left, but keep your mitts off my copies of Maxim.' And Saddam could have gone on dictatoring away until Donald Rumsfeld gets elected head of the World Council of Churches. But no . . . .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about you
#7424 P. J. O'Rourke

Saddam Hussein was reduced to the Unabomber — Ted Kaczynski — a nutcase hiding in the sticks. Sure, the terrorism by his supporters is frightening. Hence, its name, 'terrorism.' Killing innocent people by surprise is not called 'a thousand points of light.' But, as frightening as terrorism is, it's the weapon of losers. The minute somebody sets off a suicide bomb, you can be sure that person doesn't have 'career prospects.' And no matter how horrendous a terrorist attack is, it's still conducted by losers. Winners don't need to hijack airplanes. Winners have an Air Force. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about people
#7426 P. J. O'Rourke

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley! .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about tea
#7427 P. J. O'Rourke

The difference between American parties is actually simple. Democrats are in favor of higher taxes to pay for greater spending, while Republicans are in favor of greater spending, for which the taxpayers will pay. In foreign policy, Republicans intend to pursue the war in Iraq but to do so with a minimal number of troops on the ground. This is not to be confused with the disastrous Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld policy of using a minimal number of troops on the ground to pursue the war in Iraq. Democrats intend to end the war, but they don't know when. Democrats are making the 'high school sex promise': I'll pull out in time, honest! .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about war
#7428 P. J. O'Rourke

The number of American presidential candidates varies with the sunspot cycle and the phases of the moon. Being a Republican, I'm backing Hillary Clinton. Because she could lose. The reason is not that she's a woman. The reason is that she's the particular woman who taught the 4th grade class that every man in America wished he were dead in. Hillary Clinton is Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown. Hillary Clinton is 'America's ex-wife.' .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about art
#7429 P. J. O'Rourke

Incidentally, there's a balanced position that all of America's presidential candidates could take on the controversial abortion issue. If they want votes they shouldn't campaign to make abortion illegal or legal. They should campaign to make it retroactive. If a kid reaches 25 and he or she is still jobless, feckless, and sitting around Starbucks acting like a — no offense — European, then whack. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about job
#7430 P. J. O'Rourke

A charity ball is like a dance except it's tax deductible. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about dance
#7431 P. J. O'Rourke

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about life
#7432 P. J. O'Rourke

Weird clothing is de rigeur for teenagers, but today's generation of teens is finding it difficult to be sufficiently weird. This is because the previous generation of teens, who went through adolescence in the sixties and seventies, used up practically all the available weirdness. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about weird
#7433 P. J. O'Rourke

Nothing makes an awful secret like a secret Negro... Up North, confess your bloodline freely. There's nothing a Northerner likes better than a black person who is completely white. Do not, however, try this trick with real blacks. They could give a shit... (If you travel in very sophisticated circles, you may want to turn Marcus Aurelius into Moses Schmeckle. Racism is very lower-class. Upper-class people are never racists; they're anti-Semites.) .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about people
#7434 P. J. O'Rourke

Foreigners may pretend otherwise, but if English is spoken loudly enough, anyone can understand it, the British included. Actually, there’s no such thing as a foreign language. The world is just filled with people who grunt and squeak instead of speaking sensibly. French may be an exception. But since it’s impossible to figure out what French people are saying, we’ll never know for sure. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about people
#7435 P. J. O'Rourke

Full title: The Bachelor Home Companion. A practical guide to keeping house like a pig. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about home
#7436 P. J. O'Rourke

A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about time
#7437 P. J. O'Rourke

A steady job is at least as deleterious to the spirit of bachelorhood as a steady date. Some jobs are worse than actual wives. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about spirit
#7438 P. J. O'Rourke

Bachelors know all about parties. In fact, a good bachelor is a living, breathing party all by himself. At least that is what my girlfriend said when she found the gin bottles under the couch. I believe her exact words were, "You're a disgusting, drunken mess." And that's a good description of a party, if it's done right. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about art
#7439 P. J. O'Rourke

Cleaning, like seduction, should be done from the top down— starting with the ceiling, which is ridiculous. Gravity takes care of that. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about art
#7440 P. J. O'Rourke

Despite the fact that meat is made from dead animals, it shouldn't smell that way. Try this test for meat freshness: close your eyes and see if you can tell the pork chops from a gym locker. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about animals
#7441 P. J. O'Rourke

Even newlyweds don't spend much time together, now that few marriages outlast the appliance warranties. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about war
#7442 P. J. O'Rourke

For some mysterious Darwinian reason, women feel compelled to straighten up bedrooms before and after sex. Try to make love in every other room of the house. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about love
#7443 P. J. O'Rourke

Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse. .

P. J. O'Rourke
#7444 P. J. O'Rourke

Never serve oysters during a month that has no paycheck in it. .

P. J. O'Rourke
#7445 P. J. O'Rourke

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about body
#7446 P. J. O'Rourke

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about forgiveness
#7447 P. J. O'Rourke

The real truth about children is they don't speak the language very well. They're physically uncoordinated. And they are ignorant of our elaborate ideas about right and wrong. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about truth
#7448 P. J. O'Rourke

There's only one secret to bachelor cooking— not caring how it tastes. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about secret
#7449 P. J. O'Rourke

You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about you
#7450 P. J. O'Rourke

A child growing up in an excessively safe environment may never learn that he is one— not until he gets married and has a wife to tell him so. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about men
#7451 P. J. O'Rourke

Every generation finds the drug it needs. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about need
#7452 P. J. O'Rourke

Fishing ... is a sport invented by insects and you are the bait. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about you
#7453 P. J. O'Rourke

Freddie Aguilar, who's billed as "the Bob Dylan of the Philippines." This is unfair, since he's good-looking, plays the guitar well, can carry a tune, and writes songs that make sense. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about good
#7454 P. J. O'Rourke

I mean, so what if some fifty-eight-year-old butt-head gets a load on and starts playing Death Race 2000 in the rush-hour traffic jam? What kind of chance is he taking? He's just waiting around to see what kind of cancer he gets anyway. But if young, talented you, with all of life's possibilities at your fingertips, you and the future Cheryl Tiegs there, so fresh, so beautiful— if the two of you stake your handsome heads on a single roll of the dice in life's game of stop-the-semi— now that's taking chances! Which is why old people rarely risk their lives. It's not because they're chicken— they just have too much dignity to play for small stakes. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about life
#7455 P. J. O'Rourke

Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about people
#7456 P. J. O'Rourke

I'm a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn't stick your nose in other people's business except to make a buck. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about people
#7457 P. J. O'Rourke

In fact, safety has no place anywhere. Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow (an appalling animal to watch at the trotters.) And everything that isn't fun is dangerous too. It is impossible to be alive and safe. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about life
#7458 P. J. O'Rourke

Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about man
#7459 P. J. O'Rourke

Jewishness cropped up and has never successfully been put down since. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about success
#7460 P. J. O'Rourke

Industrialization came to England but has since left. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about sin
#7461 P. J. O'Rourke

Neither conservatives nor humorists believe man is good. But left-wingers do. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about humor
#7462 P. J. O'Rourke

Something is happening to America, not something dangerous but something all too safe. I see it in my lifelong friends. I am a child of the "baby boom," a generation not known for its sane or cautious approach to things. Yet suddenly my peers are giving up drinking, giving up smoking, cutting down on coffee, sugar, and salt. They will not eat red meat and go now to restaurants whose menus have caused me to stand on a chair yelling, "Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, dinner is served!" This from the generation of LSD, Weather Underground, and Altamont Rock Festival! And all in the name of safety! Our nation has withstood many divisions— North and South, black and white, labor and management— but I do not know if the country can survive division into smoking and non-smoking sections. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about life
#7463 P. J. O'Rourke

The forces of safety are afoot in the land. I, for one, believe it is a conspiracy— a conspiracy of Safety Nazis shouting "Sieg Health" and seeking to trammel freedom, liberty, and large noisy parties. The Safety Nazis advocate gun control, vigorous exercise, and health foods. The result can only be a disarmed, exhausted, and half-starved population ready to acquiesce to dictatorship of some kind. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about freedom
#7464 P. J. O'Rourke

The Institute of U.S. and Canadian Studies is supposed to have subscribed to the Village Voice for six years in an attempt to find out about life in America's rural areas. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about life
#7465 P. J. O'Rourke

The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts— squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this. .

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes about war

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