Peep Show

Mark: Women dont like your hands under their bottoms, Mark. Thats been established, thats a given.

Mark: Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad. Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a very big read.

— Peep Show reading

Mark: Man. Thats terrible. My gran died of cancer. Although, hopefully, your sister wont. Obviously. Listen, lets talk about something else. Something fun.

— Peep Show hope

Mark: You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?

— Peep Show you

Toni: I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you cant take any more of your husbands shit.

— Peep Show friends

Mark: Yeah thats the way, Sophie is the one. Toni is Russia: Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: Manageable wont put up too much of a fight.

— Peep Show man

Mark: See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army, it was pressing and pressing, the Russians couldnt hold on much longer, many wanted to submit

— Peep Show man

Mark: No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken. And thats the story of Stalingrad.

— Peep Show man

Jez: Super Hans says hes come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off he literally couldnt he actually physically couldnt do it.

— Peep Show good

Mark: I mean, whats the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.

— Peep Show

Mark: People like him should wear stickers; theyve got them for their cars. Oh, yeah, great idea, Adolf.

— Peep Show people

Toni: So, what youre saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?

— Peep Show you

Jez: Listen, listen. Its not pyramid selling, its network marketing and its a guaranteed money making Mark! Ive seen the, the charts!

— Peep Show art

Mark: Listen, Jeremy, you dont seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. Thats the real world. Your hair isnt red, people dont walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, youve got to turn up, log on and grind out.

— Peep Show people

Mark: Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of her till youve worked out a - I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing itbecause hes a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, that sounds great. Me living in my crackhouse. Maybe you could be a crackbitch and sit on my -

— Peep Show time

Mark: Ill be able to order him around. Not horrible, just Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me? Jesus! Where did that come from?

— Peep Show jesus

Jez: Eh, Ive done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what Id want to do is build on that experience in a professional zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. God, that sounded amazing, dont accidentally get the bugger!

— Peep Show god

Jez: No, challenging is right Umm But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

— Peep Show right

Mark: Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that theres anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of Hey! 33% extra free! Im doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.

— Peep Show life

Mark: Ok, well, Im here, so Ill just sit here and drink. No one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.

— Peep Show death

Mark: Ive got to take Jeremys advice more often: Im out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets this is it. This is literally, it. This is the sort of thing people do when theyre having a good time.

— Peep Show time

Jez: What I mean is that they should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, hes like Yeah, I shoot people, I like shooting people! I mean, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

— Peep Show people

Mark: Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether youre buying corn flakes, fabric softener or gay porn.

— Peep Show good

Mark: Hmmm. You can never go home again. Winters coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?

— Peep Show home

Therapist: Not really, no. Ill just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.

— Peep Show mind

Mark: Ive made a psycho call to the woman I love, I kicked a dog to death, and now Im going to pepperspray an acquaintance. SomethingI mean, whats happened to me?

— Peep Show love

Mark: Your team? Heal and grow. Heal and grow. Well, I guess its very nice for the big lady to come down here and talk to the little man. Im just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.

— Peep Show man

Jez: Im gonna blow this gaff wide open. Uh yeah. I spent, uh, some time with Ray before he went and I just wanted to say that, um, I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end he loved Jesus. Now I know, Liz, theres no proof for Jesus, but then theres no proof for lots of things like science or the stock market and we believe in them. Look, what Im trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though Id never particularly been into say, uh Enya before, but that now I really really was into Enya and that in fact I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of Enya. Then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral! Yeah?

— Peep Show love

Jez: Abandon self-cherishing, love only others. Yeah well Mr. Dalai Lama, I suppose youve got to be a suck-up if you havent got your own country.

— Peep Show love

Mark: Oh, my God. Umm What about my abnormal knackers? Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they? What I really need is a good, long look at another mans bollocks. But thats so fraught with potential problems.

— Peep Show god

Mark: Yeah, you wont be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. Im probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.

— Peep Show you

Mark: Dancing? Y-yes dancing I love dancing It makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.

— Peep Show love

Mark: Ive walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.

— Peep Show trust

Jez: Jesus, Marks such a honky. Im definitely the alpha-est male here. Hes probably here for community service. He looks like hes actually getting a bonk on. Im definitely king of the hippie jungle.

— Peep Show jesus

Mark: Look, Jez, what Im trying to say is, for better or worse, the sixties happened and now sex is fine. But cant we take the best of that--the nice music, the colors, the I Have A Dream, et cetera--but not have to face thesqualor?

— Peep Show music

Gwyn: Well I guess Ive just been very lucky. Moneys an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me. Particularly after my parents died.

— Peep Show war

Mark: Sure, an orgy sounds great, but youre basically just multiplying the number of people youre not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.

— Peep Show war

Jez: This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I cant see anything, I havent got a hard-on, and I want to cry.

— Peep Show good

Mark: We have something special. Not my words, yours. We cant throw that all away just because Ispy on youcan we!?

— Peep Show words

Mark: He hasnt got any massage oil. Hes trying to make me obsess about massage oil. And its worked!

— Peep Show work

Jeremy: Relax Mark, everyone does drugs nowadays. Look at Me, Im Mark. Im dying on a street in an Advert in the 80s.

— Peep Show drugs

Jez: Uselessall useless. I wish they were all robotsI wish I were a robotmaybe I could punch through a wall

— Peep Show wish

Jez: The only reason I dont go to church is that, for me, everythings a church. This room is my church, the hall is my church Cost Cutters is a bloody cathedral.

— Peep Show reason

Mark:Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day, thatd be good - except it would take forever.

— Peep Show passion

Mark: Dartmouth, of course. Dartmouth. Thanks. Good old Columbo. Just the one technique, of course. Still, shits on Quincy.

— Peep Show art

Mark: Is that it? Is that how easy it is to steal some education? Bloody hell, whos in charge? The worlds just people walking around, going in to rooms and saying things. Its all a big swizzle!

— Peep Show education

Mark: Oh God she is just so lovely and she doesnt even realize it. Probably no ones ever told her. I should tell her!! No, dont tell her. If she realizes, Im finished.

— Peep Show love

Jez: So these are just rows and rows of books you dont like? Do you spend a lot of time not reading them?

— Peep Show books

Mark: I have entered the abyss. Ive bought a house in the abyss. Im getting my post forwarded to the abyss.

— Peep Show war

Mark You were going to twat a geezer? Were you playing the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels video game?

— Peep Show you

Mark: Maybe itll go really well and Ill have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. Shes coming over. Must Think Words Funny words.

— Peep Show god

Mark: This is just not normal. Someone has got to do something. Hes just going to stand there doing nothing like Jeffs the invading Chinese army. Theyre women, that old get out. Oh god, its got to be me.

— Peep Show god

Mark: I tried. I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes. Just like Dad with me and the strimmer.

— Peep Show mistakes

Mark: Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie, stay cold and unfriendly to Karen, without breaking social convention.

— Peep Show friend

Mark: Brilliant. Probably looks like I was going to punch him, when actually I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield.

— Peep Show man

Mark: Public humiliation. Welcome to my world, Jeff. Although personally I wouldnt have picked that dress to cry on.

— Peep Show world

Jez: Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, shell forget all about it and things will go back to like before?

— Peep Show hell

Jez: Youve got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. Youve seen Mad Max, havent you? Thats whats going to happen!

— Peep Show you

Jez: Youre still living in your Hitchhikers Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.

— Peep Show world

Jeremy: About Stu Hes a monk, hes gonna have fifteen years of spunk backed up. How am I supposed to compete with that?

— Peep Show wit

Jeremy: Still drinking alone, whats the big deal? If I drink a bottle of vodka and a mans there does that somehow make it alright?

— Peep Show man

Stu: Listen man, I know you still have feelings for Suze and thats fine. So, its really nice to meet you, andno hard feelings. Yeah?

— Peep Show man

Jeremy: God I must look so cool to her, like Pete Doherty or Bukowski. Yeah, thats right honey, Im a street fighting man. God shes probably getting wet just looking at me. Hold your horses honey, Ive got coupons for the Pringles.

— Peep Show god

Mark: Look at me; Ive got a girlfriend. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I go out and have croissant. Im just a normal functioning member of the human race and theres no way anyone can prove otherwise.

— Peep Show reading

Super Hans: Oh, what? Oh, cause its a computer you think its made of spiders webs and magic? Its just a metal box Jez, theyre indestructible.

— Peep Show magic

Mark: Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? Thats your role model?

— Peep Show dreams

Jez: Im just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, cant we call it something more normal like The Swan and Tomato?

— Peep Show happy

Jeremy: Your dream is just everybody, grey, on the omnibus, eating grey sludge. Thats your dream isnt it?

— Peep Show dream

Jeremy: If YOU try to section me Mark you will have crossed a line and I will section you, so help me

— Peep Show you

Doctor: Look guys. Youve had your fun with the sectioning. Theres going to be no more sectioning today.

— Peep Show you

Jez: Of course! Suze, theyre mushrooms; theyre completely natural! Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, thats a scientific fact.

— Peep Show hurt

Jez: If people only did everything they wanted everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably.

— Peep Show people

Jez: Shit. Were so angry together. The righteous indignation of the common man! Maybe we can start a union The Woodworkers and General Persons Union.

— Peep Show art

Jez: Maybe well become best mates and hell train me up to be a carpenter like Jesus. And if I get crucified, hell start a religion in my name. Jeremism. Im a Jeremist. Nice.

— Peep Show religion

Mark:Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus Id have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, thats what they want you to do. Thats where societys headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, Im not going to be the first. Not in my name!

— Peep Show god

Super Hans: Ooh yeah. These are the good times, love; after the initial nausea passes, but before the grinding comedown. Lovely.

— Peep Show love

Johnson: Doesnt sound normal Doesnt smell normal. This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. Youre off the team.

— Peep Show you

Mark: Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty - theyre just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you, arent they?

— Peep Show friendship

Mark: Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now its all a big laugh.

— Peep Show men

Mark: Hes gonna get cancer and Im not. I dont want him to but obviously one of us is going to get it and Id rather it was him.

— Peep Show want

Jez: How can Mark be in love with Big Suze? Its like Swaziland trying to invade China - its a bloody political joke.

— Peep Show love

Mark: Great. Okay, so Ive dumped my sister. Thats great. That feels good. Im intrigued to see what Im gonna do next. Maybe Ill ring up Grandad, and tell him I think hes a boring twat.

— Peep Show good

Jez: Its probably some young black kid whos been accused of stealing a bun, and Im going to set him free.

— Peep Show you

Jez: Sometimes I tell them I love them early on on a first date just to get things off to a good start.

— Peep Show love

Jez: Oh that is typical. Jeremy cant be trusted to judge the woman hes sleeping with butTony Blair can?

— Peep Show trust

Jez: Look Mark, Im a musician, in case youd forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. The law of if it feels good, do it.

— Peep Show music

Jez: Its the musicians law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you!

— Peep Show music

Mark: So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesnt cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and fisting.

— Peep Show night

Mark: How did my house become a rave? This is probably how a squat starts. Theyll never leave and eventually theyll brick me up in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.

— Peep Show life

Jez: Oh yeah. Justice is done. Not actual justice, but, what I wanted to happen. Which is basically the same thing.

— Peep Show justice

Jez: Mark, just look at it. Its tiny, its red, its right in the bloody middle. Course its the best thing on the board!

— Peep Show right

Mark: Oh great, she posted the guide book. I suppose Im supposed to think thats incredibly charming and French. Well its not, its a waste of £8.99.

— Peep Show book

Mark: Shes looking for company after a minute of uncomfortable silence. Well, get used to it, baby. Therell be a lot more where that came from when were married.

— Peep Show silence

Super Hans: Dont. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?

— Peep Show love

Mark: Were not going to be two of those idiots you hear about who go up a mountain in Flip Flops and Sombreros and have to be rescued.

— Peep Show you

Jeremy: Would you rather be one of those idiots they find frozen to death, drinking his own piss while badgers chew on his corpse?

— Peep Show death

Jeremy: Shes so Beautiful and Fancy. If there werent a junkie in my room shitting and retching and hurling, it would be just like Pride and Prejudice

— Peep Show beautiful

Jeremy: Im so tired. Shes gonna have a hell of a job coaxing a hard-on out of me. But I bet shell manage

— Peep Show man

Mark: Yes, this me-not-loving-her business will sort of put me in a position of power in our marriage. Yes. I win.

— Peep Show marriage

Jez: Super Hans, are you trying to skin up with your feet again? Because it doesnt work, does it? It just makes a mess.

— Peep Show work

Share your thoughts on Peep Show quotes with the community: