Pineapple Express 2008

Red: Im trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because Im stone or because I have no blood left in my body.Dale Denton: Well, youve been shot like seven times.

— Pineapple Express 2008 death

Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didnt say anything back.Dale Denton: Well, thats easy. Its because were not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didnt sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldnt be here right now. I would be fantastic!Saul: Oh.Dale Denton: Im sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.Saul: No, I see. The monkeys out of the bottle now!Dale Denton: What? Thats not even... a figure of speech.Saul: Pandora cant go back into the box - he only comes out.

— Pineapple Express 2008 friends

Red: Why dont you follow his lead and just chill out, man?Dale Denton: Im chill. Im chill as a cucumber, man.Red: You dont seem chill.Dale Denton: Im more chill than you.Red: Youre more chill than me?Dale Denton: Yeah.Red: Look what Im wearing. Kimono, dog. Whatre you wearing?Dale Denton: A suit.Red: Yeah, exactly. I dont know whats up with you, but I dont know if I like you.Dale Denton: Well, I dont know if I like you either, man.Red: Well, thats your loss cause Im a great friend.

— Pineapple Express 2008 loss

Saul: I wish I had a job like that. Where I could just sit around and smoke weed all dayDale Denton: Hey you do have that job. You do sit around and smoke weed all day.Saul: Hey youre right. Hey thanks man.

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Saul: Holy cock!

— Pineapple Express 2008

Saul: Enjoy your last meal.[throws bills at Dale]Saul: Here, supersize it, bitch.[throws change]

— Pineapple Express 2008 change

Dale Denton: [while hiding in the woods, on the run from Teds henchmen] Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...Dale Denton: Im just - Im kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. Its weird.Saul: Thank you.Dale Denton: Not a compliment.

— Pineapple Express 2008 men

Saul: [talking about Pineapple Express] Its almost a shame to smoke it. Its like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.

— Pineapple Express 2008 shame

Saul: Theres a fly in the ointment, shits hittin the fan, the lion will speak!

— Pineapple Express 2008 men

Saul: [quoting 227] I thought hurricane season was over!

— Pineapple Express 2008 thought

Saul: Whats up with the suit?Dale Denton: Oh, Im a process server, so I have to wear a suit.Saul: Wow, youre a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, Im not like-...Saul: Shine shoes?Dale Denton: Im a *process server*!

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Red: I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute.

— Pineapple Express 2008

Scientist: Private Miller, youve been smoking item nine for seven minutes and thirteen seconds. Were going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?Private Miller: Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice of butter... melting on top of a big-ol pile of flapjacks... yeah.

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Saul: [Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.

— Pineapple Express 2008 work

Dale Denton: Couscous - the foods so nice they named it twice.

— Pineapple Express 2008 food

Ken: War is upon you! Prepare to suck the cock of karma!

— Pineapple Express 2008 war

Matheson: [to Budlofsky] You used to be fierce. You used to be ruthless!

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Red: Thug life!

— Pineapple Express 2008 life

Red: You dont think I can handle danger?Dale Denton: What are you talking about?Saul: You can.Red: I totally can. And for you to come into my house and not tell secrets because you think youre saving me, well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, cause look at this.[He shows them his shaved armpits]Red: You see this? You see that? Theres no hair under here, bro.Dale Denton: Whats the significance of that?Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight. I can take danger.

— Pineapple Express 2008 reality

Dale Denton: Im gonna get us out of here!Saul: No, youre not. But its okay.

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Saul: I think we should stay!Dale Denton: Why?Saul: ...Cause Im in the dumpster already!

— Pineapple Express 2008 think

Saul: Just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to mankind.[he lights a joint and inhales]Dale Denton: Its really that rare?Saul: [exhales] Its, like, the rarest.[he examines the joint]Saul: Its almost a shame to smoke it. Its like killing a unicorn... with, like, a bomb.

— Pineapple Express 2008 joy

Saul: [as he is just about to punch Carol in the face] Youre in the jungle now, Baby!

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Saul: Hey, look: its like my thumb is my cock.Dale Denton: Thats not gonna get us a ride, man.

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Dale Denton: You killed my ear!Matheson: You shot me!Dale Denton: I didnt do that!Matheson: HE shot me!Dale Denton: You shot him?Saul: nods his headMatheson: Get your hands off me!Saul: Shut up! weve had enough of you!Matheson: Im not your friend!

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Dale Denton: Danger! Danger! Trees! Tree! Tree! Squirrel!

— Pineapple Express 2008 anger

Saul: Im cold...Dale Denton: Youre cold? Oh, Im not cold at all. Here...[he starts to take off his coat]Dale Denton: ... I run hot.Saul: Really?Dale Denton: Yeah.Saul: You got more...Dale Denton: Thick blood.Saul: ...body.

— Pineapple Express 2008 art

Private Miller: Why are we underground, sir?

— Pineapple Express 2008

Red: I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow!

— Pineapple Express 2008 murder

Dale Denton: [Dale is at Angies house] No, dont dont let him gonna... No, dont wanna.

— Pineapple Express 2008

Saul: A dude, a lady, and a cop? That like a massacre, man!

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Ted Jones: Has anyone seen my bigger knife?

— Pineapple Express 2008

Matheson: [Saul has smashed a coffee pot in Mathesons face, leaving huge scars] I look like the Hamburglar.

— Pineapple Express 2008 coffee

Ken: [to Ted and Dale] You, suck my balls. Two times!

— Pineapple Express 2008 time

Saul: When my foot was in the hole - and my groin - man, I felt like a wishbone.

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Saul: Man, whyd we have to go to the woods?Dale Denton: Well you didnt come up with any ideas!Saul: Yeah, I came up with two! Nowhere and Quiznos.

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Dale Denton: Hey, man, what happened to your lip?Saul: Yeah... it looks like youve been crying or something...Red: Um, actually, my lip, thats a cold sore. And Ive never had a cold sore before, so I cried.Saul: Dude, a cold sore? Does that mean like... herpes?Red: Yes, thats what it means. I have herpes.Saul: Herpes... Whoa, do you know how many, like, joints weve shared?Red: Yes, I know, Im a disgusting person.

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Dale Denton: Oh, wow, you got a cute picture.Saul: Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia?Dale Denton: Like on her?Saul: If I needed to.Dale Denton: Um... Im kind of in a hurry, man. I dont know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Dont get me started.Saul: Well, save it!Dale Denton: Well save it for next time. Well keep it going.

— Pineapple Express 2008 time

Saul: I wish we could just go nowhere.

— Pineapple Express 2008 wish

Red: [Red regains consciousness after shortly passing out from his wounds] Im like the nerd at the sleepover who fell asleep at nine.Dale Denton: Its okay. We wont put our dicks in your mouth.

— Pineapple Express 2008 sin

Saul: You know, dont get down on yourself: You got a great girl, you got a great job whete you dont go anything, you get to smoke weed all day... I wish I had that...Dale Denton: Are you kidd - you do, you have the easiest job on Earth. You DO smoke weed all day.Saul: ...Hahaha, thats true!Dale Denton: You didnt think of that, huh?Saul: I do have a good job...Dale Denton: Yeah, you do nothing!Saul: Thanks, man!Dale Denton: No problem.Saul: Thank you.

— Pineapple Express 2008 art

Clark: Its time to suck todays dick!Dale Denton: Yeah, suck dick!

— Pineapple Express 2008 time

Dale Denton: Saul, help me! Help me! Hes punching my bum!

— Pineapple Express 2008 help

Red: Do not break down the door! Are you gonna pay for it?

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Saul: Yeah I know where he lives, what are you insinuating, that Im forgetful?Dale Denton: [surprised and slightly impressed] Insinuating...Saul: Yeah you know what that means? It means like...Dale Denton: I do what that means actually.Saul: ...to seem like.

— Pineapple Express 2008 light

Private Miller: Dude, what happened to your eye?

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Private Miller: [2 men in full bodied suits come to take him away] Hell-ooo. Bleep blorp bleep... can you guys understand me?

— Pineapple Express 2008 men

Dale Denton: Hows it goin, sporty spice?

— Pineapple Express 2008

Saul: [getting ready to smoke cross joint] Okay heres what you do. You equip yourself...Dale Denton: Im equipping! Equip me, sir!

— Pineapple Express 2008 self

Saul: What you do... is you light all three ends at the same, and the smoke converges, creating a *trifecta* of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future, that future.

— Pineapple Express 2008 power

Red: Todays my cats birthday.[passes out]

— Pineapple Express 2008 cats

Dale Denton: You were cold and I *clothed* you.

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Matheson: Well, lookie here. Mr. Folgers. Whats up, sir?

— Pineapple Express 2008 math

Red: [Red talking to Dale] There you go. Why dont you just follow his lead and just chill out, man?

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Dale Denton: [fighting with Ted] Gimme that fire extinguisher!

— Pineapple Express 2008 fire

Dale Denton: [after explaining everything thats happened] Do you believe me?Police Liaison Officer: I dont know. Give me a minute. It was a woman or a man cop?Dale Denton: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.Police Liaison Officer: Oh, I think I know who that bitch was.Dale Denton: Yes, I will identify that bitch!

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Clark: Dude, I wanted to tell you. You were hilarious today in Drama Class.Angie Anderson: Seriously, your Jeff Goldblum impression made me piss my pants.Clark: Oh, I wish.

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Saul: You still got that bong I got you when I was in Tel Aviv?Red: Hell yeah, Bong Mitzvah! Hit it up, dude!

— Pineapple Express 2008 hell

Dale Denton: What an adorable little cop.

— Pineapple Express 2008

Dale Denton: I should call Angie soon... Make up some bullshit...

— Pineapple Express 2008

Dale Denton: Arent you angry at Ted?Red: Yeah, Im really mad at him...Dale Denton: Well whaddya wanna do about it? Dont you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN about it?Red: Maybe... Maybe thatd be cool to do to him...

— Pineapple Express 2008 ya

Saul: Herpes is for life, bro!Red: Yeah, well, Im gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical ointment on it. Ive been takin Vicodin; that really doesnt take down the swelling, though.Saul: Its from that time. I told you, man! You wanted to eat that lollipop out of that strippers snatch! You wanted to do it!Saul: Out of her vagina, I know! Remember what you did? Whatd you do?Red: Nothing.Red: You ate a box of Nerds outta her butt-hoooole.

— Pineapple Express 2008 life

Matheson: [to Budlosky] I may act tough, but i got a lot of feelings, and you hurt damn near everyone of them.

— Pineapple Express 2008 feelings

Police Liaison Officer: Oooh, big sexy with glasses!

— Pineapple Express 2008 sex

Saul: Oh, sick! You threw up on my printer!Dale Denton: I did.Saul: You break it?Dale Denton: I hope not.

— Pineapple Express 2008 hope

Saul: [Reaches for Dales hand, trying to pull him into the air vent] Give it to me!Dale Denton: Come on!Saul: Be taller!Dale Denton: [Gives up] Be stronger!

— Pineapple Express 2008 strong

Dale Denton: Im here to save my best friend... Ive got an idea! Rub your wrists against my belt buckle![Saul does. It looks like humping]Dale Denton: Im gonna save you, man!Saul: [Grinds against Dale] Yeah! Yeah!Dale Denton: Let me save you!

— Pineapple Express 2008 man

Budlofsky: [after knocking down the door to Sauls apartment] It smells like vomit in this house.

— Pineapple Express 2008 art

[Angie says that she wants to marry Dale]Dale Denton: Uh, Im looking for someone more mature.Angie Anderson: *Mature?* I lost my virginity when I was fourteen; how many women have *you* slept with?Dale Denton: Um, two and a half.Angie Anderson: *A half?* Whats *a half,* your hand?

— Pineapple Express 2008 women

Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. Its like... Gods vagina!Dale Denton: Uhhh!Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it?Dale Denton: I just want to live in here!Saul: Yes, you wanna be it?Dale Denton: Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. Thats amazing! Its beautiful!Saul: Shove it anywhere you like!Dale Denton: Whats it called?Saul: Pineapple Express.

— Pineapple Express 2008 god

Matheson: [clapping hands together] This is so exciting!

— Pineapple Express 2008 math

Matheson: [pulling Sauls leg] Tear this ass up!

— Pineapple Express 2008 math

Robert: [at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder] Angie, I swear, you do something or Im gonna...Dale Denton: What? No! No, dont let him gonna! No, dont wanna!

— Pineapple Express 2008 murder

Red: Where you think youre goin, Mr. Wiggles? Get back here! Feisty!Dale Denton: Saul, help! Hes punching my bum! Hes punching my bum! Im done with this!Red: No, youre not. No, youre not!Dale Denton: Lets try words! Use WORDS!

— Pineapple Express 2008 words

Saul: [both are running away, Saul jumps into nearby dumpster] Hey, in here!Dale Denton: [comes to a surprised stop] What? WHOA! I gotta get to a phone, man, COME ON!Saul: [tired] Why?Dale Denton: Why? Why, look! OK, if Red tells Teds guys about[pants]Dale Denton: my name, Theyll go to my apartment,[pants]Dale Denton: And there, I have Angies name![flailing arms]Dale Denton: And they could put that all together, and theyll find us, Lets go!Saul: [still tired, realizing that hes dirty] No, no. I think we should stay.Dale Denton: [mad] WHY?Saul: Cause Im in the dumpster already!Dale Denton: [mad still] Well, then get out![smells Saul and the dumpster]Dale Denton: Ughh!

— Pineapple Express 2008 art

Dale Denton: No, what are you do - Dont get a gun! Why would he bear arms?

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Red: You assholes, you ruined my portable phone!

— Pineapple Express 2008 you

Saul: [giving 3 schoolboys some pineapple express] But dont call it that. Call it... Banana Boat.

— Pineapple Express 2008 school

Saul: [giving 3 schoolboys pineapple express] If anyone asks, you got it from Sau - -I mean... Santiago and... Dunbar.

— Pineapple Express 2008 school

Saul: [Red spits in Sauls eye] HERPES!Red: [smacks Saul with dustbuster and beats him on the ground] You brought the devil into my house!Saul: [confused as to why Red is hitting him] Were friends!Red: I know we are, thats what SUCKS!Saul: Are you on that meth shit again?[screams to Dale]Saul: Dale, hes hurting me!

— Pineapple Express 2008 friends

Red: Ted Jones messed with the wrong melon farmers.

— Pineapple Express 2008 wit

Robert: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you?Dale Denton: Nothing, Im supposed to be here right now, so Im here!Robert: Youre all dirty and bleeding.Dale Denton: No Im not, Im here for dinner.Shannon: You have scratches on your forehead...Robert: Dude, you smell like shit.Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you?Dale Denton: I was in the woods!Shannon: In the woods?Dale Denton: Yeah, isnt that weird? I was... I was in the woods!Shannon: What were you doing in the woods?Dale Denton: I bird... watch... I dont. No, I dont. Look, Im gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder. Ok? I saw someone murder... someone else.

— Pineapple Express 2008 weird

General Bratt: When did it start?Scientist: At 0500. Were seven minutes in.Scientist: Okay, Private Miller, youve been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds. Were going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?Private Miller: Well sir... I feel like a... like a slice of butter... melting... on top of a... big old pile... of flapjacks... yeah.Scientist: Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?Private Miller: [giggles and starts to beat box a swinging big band]Scientist: [losing patience] Okay, Private Miller?General Bratt: Is this normal?

— Pineapple Express 2008 art

[First lines]General Bratt: When did it start?Scientist: At 0500. Were seven minutes inScientist: Okay, Private Miller, youve been smoking Item 9 for seven minutes and 13 seconds. Were going to ask you several questions. How do you feel?Private Miller: Well sir... I feel like a... like a slice of butter... melting... on top of a... big old pile... of flapjacks... yeah.Scientist: Okay, Private Miller, when you think of your superiors, what emotions do you feel?[Private Miller giggles and starts to beat box a swinging big band]Scientist: [losing patience] Okay, Private Miller?General Bratt: Is this normal?

— Pineapple Express 2008 art

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