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Red vs. Blue

Church: Im Church. Im the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is dont kill the leader. Thats me.
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: Okay, guys, I dont mean to be rude, but Ive got a missing girlfriend, a guy whos pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY dont have time for this horse-shit right now!
— Red vs. Blue time
Sarge: Great idea, Simmons! Ive read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was woman that lifted a car off her baby.
— Red vs. Blue people
Sarge: Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank! Why dont you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself.
— Red vs. Blue self
Vic Jr.: Okay dude; calm down. Take a chill pill. If you dont have a chill pill, take one of those chill strips. You put it on your tongue, it dissolves, chill.
— Red vs. Blue you
1 Season 11.1 Why Are We Here? Episode 1 1.2 Red Gets a Delivery Episode 2 1.3 The Rookies Episode 3 1.4 Head Noob in Charge Episode 4 1.5 The Package Is In the Open Episode 5 1.6 1.21 Giga-Whats Episode 6 1.7 Check Out the Treads on This Thing Episode 7 1.8 Dont Ph34r the Reaper Episode 8 1.9 After Church Episode 9 1.10 A Shadow of His Former Self Episode 10 1.11 Knock Knock. Whos there? Pain. Episode 11 1.12 Down, But Not Out Episode 12 1.13 Human Peer Bonding Episode 13 1.14 Roomier Than It Looks Episode 14 1.15 How the other half live Episode 15 1.16 A Slightly Crueler Cruller Episode 16 1.17 Points of origin Episode 17 1.18 SPF 0 Episode 18 1.19 Last one out, hit the lights Episode 19
— Red vs. Blue pain
2 Season 22.1 Everything old is new again Episode 20 2.2 Motion to adjourn Episode 21 2.3 Red vs. Bleu Episode 22 2.4 The joy of toggling Episode 23 2.5 Sweet ride Episode 24 2.6 Last words Episode 25 2.7 Nobody likes you Episode 26 2.8 Nine-tenths of the law Episode 27 2.9 In stereo where available Episode 28 2.10 Radar love Episode 29 2.11 I dream of Meanie Episode 30 2.12 Room for rent Episode 31 2.13 Me, myself and you Episode 32 2.14 An audience of dumb Episode 33 2.15 Aftermath, before biology Episode 34 2.16 Whats mine is yours Episode 35 2.17 Blunderball. Episode 36 2.18 Dealer incentive Episode 37 2.19 K.I.T. B.F.F. Episode 38
— Red vs. Blue love
3 Season 33.1 Best Laid Plans Episode 39 3.2 Visiting old friends Episode 40 3.3 Lets get together Episode 41 3.4 Youre the bomb, Yo Episode 42 3.5 Make your time Episode 43 3.6 We must rebuild Episode 44 3.7 New toys Episode 45 3.8 Were being watched Episode 46 3.9 Its a biological fact Episode 47 3.10 Heavy metal Episode 48 3.11 Roaming charges Episode 49 3.12 Silver lining Episode 50 3.13 Episode 50 part 2 Episode 51 3.14 Have we met? Episode 52 3.15 Lets come to order Episode 53 3.16 Hello my name is Andrew Episode 54 3.17 Defusing the situation Episode 55 3.18 Calm before the storm Episode 56 3.19 The Storm Episode 57
— Red vs. Blue time
4 Season 44.1 Familiar Surroundings Episode 58 4.2 Hunting time Episode 59 4.3 Fight or fright Episode 60 4.4 Fair competition Episode 61 4.5 Lost in triangulation Episode 62 4.6 The hard stop Episode 63 4.7 Previous Commitments Episode 64 4.8 Looking For Group Episode 65 4.9 Exploring Our Differences Episode 66 4.10 Setting a High Bar Episode 67 4.11 Getting All Misty Episode 68 4.12 Talk of the Town Episode 69 4.13 Sneaking In Episode 70 4.14 You Keep Using That Word Episode 71 4.15 Getting Debriefed Episode 72 4.16 Under the Weather Episode 73 4.17 Right To Remain Silenced Episode 74 4.18 Things Are Looking Down Episode 75 4.19 Two For One Episode 76 4.20 The Arrival Episode 77
— Red vs. Blue time
5 Season 55.1 You Cant Park Here Episode 78 5.2 Got Your Back Episode 79 5.3 Baby Steps Episode 80 5.4 Sibling Arrivalries Episode 81 5.5 The Grif Reaper Episode 82 5.6 In Memoriam Episode 83 5.7 Strong Male Figure Episode 84 5.8 Yellow Fever Episode 85 5.9 Brass Tacks Episode 86 5.10 The Nesting Theory Episode 87 5.11 Spelunked Episode 88 5.12 The Haystack Episode 89 5.13 Terms and Provisions Episode 90 5.14 Missed Direction Episode 91 5.15 Where Credit is Due Episode 92 5.16 Biting the Hand Episode 93 5.17 Tucker Knows Best Episode 94 5.18 Loading Episode 95 5.19 The Wrong Crowd Episode 96 5.20 Uncommunicado Episode 97 5.21 Same Old, Same Old Episode 98 5.22 Repent, the End is near! Episode 99 5.23 Why Were We Here? Episode 1005.23.1 Alarm official ending 5.23.2 Alternate Ending 1 - Fight! Fight! Finch 5.23.3 Alternate Ending 2 - Insert Quarter Boxy
— Red vs. Blue art
5.23 Why Were We Here? Episode 1005.23.1 Alarm official ending 5.23.2 Alternate Ending 1 - Fight! Fight! Finch 5.23.3 Alternate Ending 2 - Insert Quarter Boxy
— Red vs. Blue art
Grif: Its one of lifes great mysteries, isnt it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I dont know man, but it keeps me up at night.
— Red vs. Blue life
Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, its just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
— Red vs. Blue
Simmons: The only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
— Red vs. Blue reason
Simmons: No, no, but I mean even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fuckin-doo.
— Red vs. Blue day
Grif: Whats up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens, next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant Armada, and Im stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of blue guys!
— Red vs. Blue fight
Tucker: You have a fucking rifle; I cant see shit! So dont bitch at me because Im not going to just sit up here and play with my dick---
— Red vs. Blue you
Church: Okay, okay, look: theyre just standing there and talking. Okay? Thats all theyre doing--- thats all they ever do--- is just stand there and talk. Thats what they were doing last week, thats what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me, What are they doing?, my answers gonna be, Theyre still just talking, and theyre still just standing there!
— Red vs. Blue church
Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.
— Red vs. Blue life
Sarge: God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else Ill have Simmons slit your throat while youre asleep.
— Red vs. Blue god
Sarge: I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
— Red vs. Blue man
Sarge: Thats right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.
— Red vs. Blue art
Sarge: May I introduce our new Light-Reconnaissance Vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, MAG bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
— Red vs. Blue war
Church: I dunno. It looks like Uh It looks like theyve got some sort of car down there. Wed better get back to base and report it.
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldnt you? Were gonna get a tank, and youre worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! Frig! And secondly, howre we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
— Red vs. Blue man
Church: I dont know, Ive never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh like a big cat of some kind.
— Red vs. Blue church
Sarge: So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, were gonna stick with: the Warthog. How about it, Grif?
— Red vs. Blue war
Grif: Yes, it is. You said, Im not going to the Vegas Quadrant, and then the next thing I know youre in an escape pod heading for---
— Red vs. Blue you
Grif: Couple of things here, Rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, whats with the armor color?
— Red vs. Blue body
Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits, and since youre not threatening to gut me like a fish, youre probably not an officer.
— Red vs. Blue people
Caboose: So I say to the guy, How you going to get the tank down to the planet? And he goes, Ill just put it on the ship. And I go, If youve got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?
— Red vs. Blue you
Donut: Elbow grease! How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with the headlight fluid, Im gonna talk to the sergeant.
— Red vs. Blue light
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
— Red vs. Blue you
Grif: Nah, hell just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. Whats the worst that could happen?
— Red vs. Blue hell
Church: No, man, shes just my girlfriend, yknow. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out and ah, you know how it works.
— Red vs. Blue work
Caboose: Im not gonna get married. My dad always said, Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
— Red vs. Blue you
Church: Ill tell ya what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.
— Red vs. Blue ya
Church: ---who likes to come by and make random inspections at bases. So what Im gonna have you do is Im gonna have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by.
— Red vs. Blue random
Church: You know, you dont sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base! Youre gonna be right there with the flag.
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: Because its the flag, man, you know its the flag its Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
— Red vs. Blue man
Church: Its just important, okay? Trust us. So when the general comes by, the first thing hes gonna want to do is inspect the flag.
— Red vs. Blue trust
Tucker: Theres only three of us out here, Rookie. Hes gonna be the guy who doesnt look like one of us.
— Red vs. Blue
Church: Dear God in heaven, Rookie. If I turn around and you are NOT inside, I I cant be held responsible for what Im gonna do to you!
— Red vs. Blue god
Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us, lets take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.
— Red vs. Blue church
Tucker: I ca--- I dont even know how to use the fuckin sniper rifle! Dont you know how to drive that?
— Red vs. Blue you
Church: Bad? Oh no, thats not bad! Next time he comes over, why dont you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!
— Red vs. Blue god
Church: All right, thats it! Ive had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, well head through the teleporter, well cut him off at the pass.
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: You know, I look at it this way: either a we go through there and get the flag back, or b we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: Can it! Dont try to play stupid with me, Sarge! I know who you are. Weve been spying on you for three weeks now.
— Red vs. Blue church
Tucker: Look, I know you dont know me, but you have to believe what Im about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, motioning towards Donut he gets promoted to Sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and Im all like, There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!
— Red vs. Blue war
Tucker: I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while were distracted!
— Red vs. Blue crazy
Church: Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you havent gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, hes just not the Sergeant. Turns out, hes just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow; just--- FOR GODS SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?
— Red vs. Blue god
Donut: You know what? I honestly have no idea whats going on! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!
— Red vs. Blue you
Grif: I dont know. We never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, Ill explain there.
— Red vs. Blue thought
Grif: Theres no time to explain, Rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! Ill explain everything there!
— Red vs. Blue time
Church: obviously annoyed Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?
— Red vs. Blue good
Sheila: Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Lets begin with some driving.
— Red vs. Blue wit
Church: Well I dont know about this. It seems pretty fishy but aight, screw it! Lets go get it.
— Red vs. Blue church
Caboose: talks over Sheila while she continues explaining; looking for button Auto-fire auto-fire here! Here. No, wait! Okay thats more of a switch than a button
— Red vs. Blue fire
Simmons: sarcastically Hey! I have a great idea. Lets get out of the jeep and sneak around the side of the rock! Great plan you idiot!
— Red vs. Blue you
Church: Hey, Tucker! Look at this, man! Its the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.
— Red vs. Blue man
Church: yelling to Caboose Hey rookie! Good job, man! Why didnt you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?
— Red vs. Blue man
Tucker: Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church! yells to Caboose You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
— Red vs. Blue church
Grif: Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and theres this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.
— Red vs. Blue war
Tucker: I dont know what the technical military term is for it but, uh, were pretty fucked up down here. We need men.
— Red vs. Blue men
Vic: Ten four, Blood Gulch. We will contact Freelancer Tex and have him there post haste. Command out.
— Red vs. Blue man
Tucker: Freelancers are independent, theyre not red or blue. Theyre just guns-for-hire who will fight for whoever has the most money.
— Red vs. Blue money
Church: normal voice Rookie, shut up, man! Im a freaking ghost. Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?
— Red vs. Blue man
Church: Fine. Ok, heres the deal. Ive come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Dont let-
— Red vs. Blue war
Church: Seriously, man! I mean, Im coming back from the Great Beyond here! Do you think this is easy? Its not! Its not like just you know pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration!
— Red vs. Blue man
Church: Alright, thats it. I swear to God, Caboose your ass is haunted. When were done here, Im gonna haunt you.
— Red vs. Blue god
Church: Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: annoyed What do you want from me? A poem?! Its a planet made entirely out of ice. Its really fuckin cold.
— Red vs. Blue poem
Church: Alright, well one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.
— Red vs. Blue art
Church: Tucker, dont get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin for some action, bitchin about the cold
— Red vs. Blue action
Church: And thats when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.
— Red vs. Blue art
Church: The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmys skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.
— Red vs. Blue death
Tucker: Wait a second how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesnt seem physically possible.
— Red vs. Blue death
Church: To tell you, I dont know why Im not dead. Could have killed me at any point. But maybe its because Tex and I have run into eachother once before.
— Red vs. Blue church
Grif: and then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock but uh thats when the tank showed up and uh shit just started blowing up, I dont know.
— Red vs. Blue art
Grif: I I dont know Like ten Ten-twenty? Twenty-five bucks?Youre gonna kill me now, arent you?
— Red vs. Blue you
Sarge: Tell you what, Grif. Im a fair man. Ill give you a 10 second headstart before I let Lopez do whatever he wants to you.
— Red vs. Blue art
Tucker: Hey, Tex? I dont know what its been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.
— Red vs. Blue you
Tucker: Let me get this straight youre telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasnt a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?
— Red vs. Blue living
Tucker: I dont think Ive ever seen a girl that mean before . . . are you sure shes a chick? And not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?
— Red vs. Blue art
Church: Im pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy. And Id definitely know if she was part shark.
— Red vs. Blue art
Tucker: Right, you should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that wont even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!
— Red vs. Blue god
Church: Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. Im not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.
— Red vs. Blue work
Tucker: So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all shes really just a sweet, down-home girl?
— Red vs. Blue home
Church: Oh hell no. Shes always been a rotten bitch, its just now shes a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.
— Red vs. Blue men
Tucker: Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, shes a keeper.
— Red vs. Blue good
Caboose: I think so That guy Tex is really a robot, and youre his boyfriend. So that makes you a gay robot.
— Red vs. Blue you
Sarge: Griff, quicher yammerin and get your keester up here. Need some help, got some more of dem spec ops fellas headed toward the base.
— Red vs. Blue war
Church: Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision. Hey, whats that hissing noise?
— Red vs. Blue children
Sarge: Donut, I told you not to touch anything! You touched everything! Thats the exact opposite of touching nothing!
— Red vs. Blue you
Church: Hey pal, one second, okay? Im in the middle of something here. Look, I thought wed established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.
— Red vs. Blue good
Caboose: Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy.
— Red vs. Blue you
Church: All right, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if were not, I want a refund
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.
— Red vs. Blue church
Church: Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.
— Red vs. Blue time

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