Road Trip 2000

Kyle: Its not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off.[Josh, Rubin and E.L. are understandably repulsed]Kyle: Because its your dog.Rubin: Jesus Christ!Kyle: You know, because its YOUR dog, get it?Rubin: Yeah, weve got it.

— Road Trip 2000 jesus

E.L.: [trying to convince Josh to have sex with Beth] Your dick will never forgive you.[bends down to talk to Joshs dick]E.L.: What do you think little man? Dont you ever want to experience something new?[pretends to be Joshs dick with squeaky high pitched voice]E.L.: It aint easy beings Joshs penis. Nothing has happened for two months it feels like Im in a coma. I wish I was your dick EL, because this is torture. If something doesnt happen soon, Im just going to pack up my balls and leave.

— Road Trip 2000 sex

Jacob: [Text on his T-shirt] God is awesome.

— Road Trip 2000 god

E.L.: Did you kill a cheetah?

— Road Trip 2000 you

Beth: Are there any guys out there who are JUST NORMAL?

— Road Trip 2000

Rubin: This is sort of an unusual question, but do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? Our car exploded last night and Im practically all out of my own.Motel Clerk: Am I a drug dealer? No, I am not. Thank you for asking, though.Rubin: No? OK. Thats OK. Thanks.Motel Clerk: Is there anything else I can help you with? Perhaps youd like an 11-year old prostitute sent to your room. We can do that. Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh? Hows that sound? Ive got it. Why dont we start small? Would you like a fresh towel? Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.Rubin: [sotto, walking away] Dick.Motel Clerk: By the way, Cheech, that credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, so dont go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.

— Road Trip 2000 art

Barry: [singing] Tiny salmon swimming in a stream / Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream / The mynah bird says, Caw. Ca-Caw / The chimpanzee says, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE / The friendly owl says, Hoo, hoo-hoo / But the salmon can only say, Bloobloobloobloo. Blooboloobloobloo. Blooboloobolooooo-Blooblooo-Bloobloobloo. / And its sad.

— Road Trip 2000 dream

E.L.: Did I say two? Better make it three.

— Road Trip 2000

Barry: Austin? Austin, Massachusetts?

— Road Trip 2000

Rubin: Its supposed to be a challenge, thats why they call it a shortcut. If it was easy it would just be the way.

— Road Trip 2000 challenge

Corky the Dog: Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes... Right now.

— Road Trip 2000 right

E.L.: Barry, hit the lights. Its boner time!

— Road Trip 2000 time

Frat member: [Holding up a white hood] Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?Josh: Whoa whoa, that isnt ours.Kyle: Thats not mine!Josh: OK, hold on, th-theres obviously some explanation.Frat member: There is. See your boy heres an evil bigot, and now hes gonna die.Kyle: [faints]

— Road Trip 2000 evil

Student in the Tour: Girls dont just walk around naked.Barry: Uh, yeah they do.

— Road Trip 2000 girls

E.L.: What else am I supposed to do, stay here and learn?

— Road Trip 2000 learn

[First Line]Barry: Welcome to the University of Ithica. This is it, right here. This is what were talkin about. Im gonna give you a good tour today. Show you as much, as much as you need to know, plus a, plus a whole lt more actually. So this is the main area of the University. Youll be getting used to this area. This is sort of where you congregate with your friends and classmates. Come in around me everyone, come in around me. Dont straggle. Weve had prblems... Ive had problems with stragglers before, okay? They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks, okay? Its not pretty, Its not pretty when it happens. This is the uh... By the way this is the Joseph H. Nelson library here, okay? It was built in the, uh... 1600s.Student in the Tour: 1600s? It says 1951.[snickering]Barry: [Turns & looks, faces group] Thats the address. Okay? Wise-ass.

— Road Trip 2000 friends

Barry: [Barry attempts to convince the snake to eat a mouse] Unleash the fury!

— Road Trip 2000

E.L.: Think about it Josh, youre in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.

— Road Trip 2000 age

E.L.: Well, there are these rules that guys have, an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. Take your situation for example: its not cheating. Its never cheating when youre in a different area code, not to mention a different state.Kyle: That makes no sense.E.L.: Hey, dont look at me Kyle, OK, I didnt make up the rules.Rubin: No no, this is legit, I- Ive actually read an article about this. Theres a whole bunch of them, its like- theyre like loopholes. Right, for arguments sake, lets say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldnt be cheating because they would cancel each other out.E.L.: Exactly. Or if, uh, youre too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you cant really remember it, it never really took place.

— Road Trip 2000 time

Beth: What do you look for in a girl?Josh: She should be smart, and funny.[Beth undressing]Josh: Thats good too.Beth: Do you feel better yet?Josh: I feel a little bit better, yes.Beth: What else do you look for?Josh: She should be nice and attractive and...Beth: [Beth removes her top]Josh: Topless. And topless.

— Road Trip 2000 funny

Earl Edwards: Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous! Why didnt you tell us where you were?Kyle: Because I knew youd get mad! See, look how mad you are.Earl Edwards: [angrily] IM NOT MAD!

— Road Trip 2000 war

E.L.: Hey, its 10 feet. Bob Hope could jump this in his golf cart. See, watch, I can spit across it.

— Road Trip 2000 hope

E.L.: Yep. Id give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.

— Road Trip 2000

E.L.: Youre already cheating! Anytime you pass up sex, youre cheating on yourself.

— Road Trip 2000 time

Grandpa Manilow: You know what your problem is? Your all brains... not enough cock and balls!

— Road Trip 2000 man

Rubin: I just said wed make it across. I didnt say anything about the wheels staying on.Josh: What the hell are we gonna do now? Im totally screwed! I dont have time to be walking through the woods right now!

— Road Trip 2000 time

Rubin: What class is that again?Rubin: Ancient philosophy.Rubin: Well I can teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.Josh: Really?Rubin: Yeah, I can teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours. They key is just finding a way to relate to the material.

— Road Trip 2000 philosophy

Share your thoughts on Road Trip 2000 quotes with the community: