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Robert Benchley

The way to go to the circus, however, is with someone who has seen perhaps one theatrical performance before in his life and that in the High School hall. ... The scales of sophistication are struck from your eyes and you see in the circus a gathering of men and women who are able to do things as a matter of course which you couldn’t do if your life depended on it.
Robert Benchley life
The English language may hold a more disagreeable combination of words than "The doctor will see you now." I am willing to concede something to the phrase "Have you anything to say before the current is turned on?" That may be worse for the moment, but it doesn't last so long. For continued, unmitigating depression, I know nothing to equal "The doctor will see you now." But I'm not narrow-minded about it. I'm willing to consider other possibilities.
Robert Benchley words
At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn’t money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one’s hands.
Robert Benchley power
In America there are two classes of travel — first class, and with children.
Robert Benchley children
I can’t quite define my aversion to asking questions of strangers. From snatches of family battles which I have heard drifting up from railway stations and street corners, I gather that there are a great many men who share my dislike for it, as well as an equal number of women who ... believe it to be the solution to most of this world’s problems.
Robert Benchley women
Nine-tenths of the value of a sense of humor in writing is not in the things it makes one write but in the things it keeps one from writing. It is especially valuable in this respect in serious writing, and no one without a sense of humor should ever write seriously. For without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it.
Robert Benchley humor
I don’t want to be an alarmist, but I think that the Younger Generation is up to something.... I base my apprehension on nothing more definite than the fact that they are always coming in and going out of the house, without any apparent reason.
Robert Benchley reason
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. That remark in itself wouldn’t make any sense if quoted as it stands.
Robert Benchley quote
The only cure for a real hangover is death.
Robert Benchley death
There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.
Robert Benchley thinking
Anyone will be glad to admit that he knows nothing about beagling, or the Chinese stock market, or ballistics, but there is not a man or woman alive who does not claim to know how to cure hiccoughs.
Robert Benchley man
I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists.
Robert Benchley inspirational
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
Robert Benchley humor
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley art
A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.
Robert Benchley people
The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley man
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley writing
So who's in a hurry?
Robert Benchley
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
Robert Benchley people
I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.
Robert Benchley work
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
Robert Benchley work
Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.
Robert Benchley soul
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley language
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley man
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley time
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley art
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Robert Benchley men
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley time
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
Robert Benchley children
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
Robert Benchley you
A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.
Robert Benchley death
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
Robert Benchley quote
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.
Robert Benchley children
The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley man
Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted.
Robert Benchley soul
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
Robert Benchley people
We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.
Robert Benchley people
If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.
Robert Benchley universe
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.
Robert Benchley work
Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.
Robert Benchley man
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
Robert Benchley death
The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
Robert Benchley writing
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley writing
I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.
Robert Benchley work
Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off.
Robert Benchley men
There are several natural phenomena which I shall have to have explained to me before I can keep on going as a resident member ofthe human race. One is the metamorphosis which hats and suits undergo exactly one week after their purchase, whereby they are changed from smart, intensely becoming articles of apparel into something children use when they want to dress up like daddy.
Robert Benchley art

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