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Robot Chicken

Optimus Prime: Hi, Im Optimus Prime. What youve just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you dont get regular prostate exams. Now we Transformers dont have organic internal organs, and cant get cancer. But you do, and you can.
— Robot Chicken family
Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirt — What the heck am I saying?! No I mean it! This script makes no sense at all!
— Robot Chicken
NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.
— Robot Chicken light
Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!
— Robot Chicken jesus
Charlie Brown: This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones wont save us this time.
— Robot Chicken fear
Aquaman: Listen, uh, I dont mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasnt been vacuumed in weeks and
— Robot Chicken living
Superman: Face it. Whos gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Supermans vacuuming? You? I dont think so.
— Robot Chicken art
Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
— Robot Chicken world
Black Midget: Yeah! Then the five-O plant the DMA evidence. You cant trust to police! One time a police take my shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!What? Every black man on TV gots to be a posamative role model?
— Robot Chicken time
Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanitys house, investigating the latters murder, in a parody of Seven.
— Robot Chicken murder
Brainy: Oh, no, Jokey! Your sick sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. Youre the killer!
— Robot Chicken humor
Bone-Chiling Villain: Gahahahaaaa! Sorry little girl, but Queen Beryl needs your life force to take over the planet earth! Gahahahaaaa!
— Robot Chicken life
Murdock: Hey, you know years of drugged milk can lead to severe side effects like Severe lactose intolerance.
— Robot Chicken you
Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice mating until you get back.
— Robot Chicken you
Phillips: Spanish doubloons in that lake! Thousands as far as the eye can see! It would have been all mine, if it werent for you meddling kids!
— Robot Chicken you
Velma: A-a bunch of coins?! My friends are all dead! Theyre dead, and Im still a virgin! A virgin!!
— Robot Chicken friends
Cookie Criminal: You wanna control the sugar? Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when youre out.
— Robot Chicken art
Toucan Sam: Sellings a dangerous business rabbit! Had to kill the Fruit Brute, Yummy Mummy, even the Cinnamonkey!
— Robot Chicken business
Leprechaun: I tell ya, the bleeding boys were following me around, and one little brasser says, Were after your charms. And so I says, Forget about me blue diamonds, and worry about me blue balls, ya whore! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
— Robot Chicken ya
Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, thats my thing.
— Robot Chicken people
Timmy: when kid 2 gets done raking leaves, he jumps into the pile Ha ha jerkass! hits a hidden fire hydrant
— Robot Chicken fire
Santa: Oh! My hurting knee, Oh, dang! Gosh! Dog scrotum! Get it out of Heaven that hurts like a person!
— Robot Chicken heaven
Composite Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Makes a fist Ive got five good reasons for you to quiet down: Pulls out a gun and shoots the reindeer five times One, two, three-four-five!
— Robot Chicken time
Goku: Kung fu legends. Thats the Little Drummer Boy; his mystical drum conjures summon demons most foul. The Nutcracker; he knows over 100 different testicle-based attacks. And Composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa and one half Frosty the Snowman.
— Robot Chicken man
Mike Lazzo: Hi yall! Im Adult Swim president Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin to be heard.
— Robot Chicken ya
Jerk: I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling childrens book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!
— Robot Chicken time
Jerk: No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon with an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!
— Robot Chicken books
Barney the Dinosaur: now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker I love you, you love me.
— Robot Chicken love
Bill Gates: Hi, Im Bill Gates. I heard you take insane bets and wondered if youd be my ass slave for a billion dollars.
— Robot Chicken wonder
Announcer: There has been a breakout in Boston in which a virus wipes out and deletes all the porn out there; and here is President Bush to address this issue
— Robot Chicken
President Bush: And I, the president of the United States have only one thing to say to you guys: Come on, man, its not funny. Give us back our porn!
— Robot Chicken funny
Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midichlorian count is extremely high.
— Robot Chicken thought
Harry: Don’t be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.
— Robot Chicken horror
Snape: Pubertus eh? Lets discuss this further in my magical jacuzzi. Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus. Girl Excitus!
— Robot Chicken magic
Malfoy: Looks like Potter is He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid. Heheh. Guess the monster Pubertus hasnt quite caught up with you yet, huh?
— Robot Chicken you
Alien #2: What the hell are you calling yourself E.T. for, spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!
— Robot Chicken self
Dr. Claw: With Skynet online, Gadget is under my complete control! And Ill use him to wipe out my true nemesis - that meddlesome twelve-year-old niece of his!
— Robot Chicken law
Murky: Uh oh, Game over man! Game over! Rainbow Brites gonna kick our asses if she finds us in here!
— Robot Chicken man
Rainbow Brite: Dear Citizens of Rainbow Land, We have changed our ways and are moving to Tibet to help fight Chinese tyranny. Signed, Murky and Lurky.
— Robot Chicken change
Gene Okerlund: And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemanias greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?
— Robot Chicken history
Professor Xavier: Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger youre facing will be no less real! Youll be defending a world that hates and fears you!
— Robot Chicken fear
Professor Xavier: It seems some mischief-maker has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute underneath my podium. Unfortunately, Im paralyzed from the waist down, and her enthusiastic efforts are for naught. As I was saying, the X-Men - *looks down* I didnt say stop! --
— Robot Chicken men
Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I cant do no more!
— Robot Chicken hope
Gung-Ho: Wearin a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!
— Robot Chicken war
Hobbes: Well, cowboys never even existed! Theyre just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!
— Robot Chicken age
Mario: Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!
— Robot Chicken good
Lobster: Yeah, yeah you better order the steak punk, dont want none o this bitch, take these rubberbands off an Ima go clack-clack all up in your face mother —
— Robot Chicken mother
Godzilla: There you go. Now, if you stick with me, youll make it, but, uh, you gotta unlearn that bullshit that they teach ya in Monster Island now, cuz that shit gonna get ya killed out here.
— Robot Chicken god
Mazinger: Yo, what you need, Zilla? Check it out, I got rocket firing hands; I got rockets for your shoulders and legs, man, my shit is tight!
— Robot Chicken man
Godzilla: Why is he my friend, huh? Because he knows my name? Mazinger sold guns and rockets; the world is a better place without him anyway. Now get your ass in the car.
— Robot Chicken god
News anchor: In tonights news, you can find the words; night, tight, tits, tots, stew, whino, ghost, and the name Tony if you spell it with an i.
— Robot Chicken words
Flash: Uh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me, but with the exact opposite color scheme, brilliant.
— Robot Chicken wit
Superman: At least he wears a mask. Bizzaro Superman looks just like me, but with a face like somebody threw up in an ice tray. Seriously, looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someones face again.
— Robot Chicken man
Announcer: Hello, there. What youve just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. Its now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
— Robot Chicken hell
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Papa Smurf Papa Smurf its smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?
— Robot Chicken mother
Anderson Copper: Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?
— Robot Chicken community
Gargamel: Ive spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson bleeping Copper find it in less than a day?
— Robot Chicken life
Brainy Smurf: Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but there are no smurfs left!
— Robot Chicken art
Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you seen Linus? He was supposed to walk me to chemo Can you help me find him?
— Robot Chicken you
Pac-Angle: Hello Pac-Man. What if I told you that everything you know is a lie. Your just a part of a computer program.
— Robot Chicken art
Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
— Robot Chicken change
Marv: narrating I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, Only floss the ones you wanna keep; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin to cross the street. Grandma couldnt have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her.
— Robot Chicken love
Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, Im walkin here! I loved that line.
— Robot Chicken love
Marv: Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kittens life is in my hands.
— Robot Chicken life
Marv: Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These lattes are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless youre killing gingivitis.
— Robot Chicken good
Exterminator: Rats, snakes. Could be any number of reasons to overbill you, but Ive got something thatll fix the problem.
— Robot Chicken reason
Gobo: Hey, hey! Uncle Traveling Matts been sending me postcards from the outer world for years. With their guidance, Ill find us a new Fraggle Rock.
— Robot Chicken world
Wembley: I see a terrible thing coming! Fire and death! Theres blood everywhere! Something very bad is coming!
— Robot Chicken death
Danny Ocean: Im Danny Ocean, and for this caper, were gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and Weird Al Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denvers corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, youll slip in the back. Any questions?
— Robot Chicken art
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Its twenty feet by eighty Cant even flirt with ladies Better have long arms when youre havin a meal If youre trying to cop a feel We need a new proportion To bring our kingdom fortune I got an idea that might work for ya Im-a make this mother circular Sir Galahad!
— Robot Chicken work
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down Its like King Arthurs crown Table be round! Table be round. Now with this circulation We can have nice conversation
— Robot Chicken art
Wonder Woman: You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, youre the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride.
— Robot Chicken future
Spongebob: But Sandy! How can you be pregnant? You said you had a sponge in your Oh, you meant me
— Robot Chicken you
Molly: Then try being an orphan in the Phillipines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who wont live to see puberty.
— Robot Chicken sex
Molly: What dont you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not perfoming fellatio on foreign business men?
— Robot Chicken war
Daddy Warbucks: We sure had a grand adventure Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
— Robot Chicken war
Petes agent: Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
— Robot Chicken love
Nick Fury: Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Ive come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
— Robot Chicken you
Mario: You know, Donkey Kong, at $137 a barrel, this is a tremendous a-waste. takes a barrel I keep it a-now.
— Robot Chicken men
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Sorry, Cobra Commander, but your Weather Dominator, currently stuck on rain, apparently, is no match for the ninja skills of Snake Eyes! {Ali peers over the fence looking at Gyro-Robo} Oops, supposed to be me.
— Robot Chicken man
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: That is no concern of yours, civilian! Identify yourself at once! Preferably with a capable, shapeable file card.
— Robot Chicken self
Ali: Im Ali Lohan. Duh! My mom and I just moved into this crappy neighborhood to shoot our TV show, called Living Lohan.
— Robot Chicken living
Ali: Arent you a little fat to be fat? Knock-knock. Whos there? You love food! {Ali jumps off the fence}
— Robot Chicken love
Daniels Mother: Honey, were you talking to the new neighbor? I think their dogs been pooping in our yard.
— Robot Chicken ya
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Madame, does it look like my name is Tripwire? Because as I am not the GI Joe minesweeper, I would appreciate it if your dog didnt leave chocolate land mines all over my yard!
— Robot Chicken ya
Lindsay: Oh, OH!! {Flashback to one nighttime} Ha, ha, ha, ha! Dah, dah, dah, dum, dum! Ha, night dump! Im just fermalizing the lawn, aah! {back to present} Bad dog! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
— Robot Chicken time
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: Excuse me! This is a parallel universe, where savagery meets sorcery! There is no Herbie.
— Robot Chicken universe
Lindsay: Aughh! Why are you always following me? {Cues cameraman to come closer, whispers} Follow me.
— Robot Chicken man
Lindsay: Well, your babys gonna have cobwebs, cause youre all old, and your notaries are all bunched up and dusty!!
— Robot Chicken you
Nerd: La chee do ti do Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.
— Robot Chicken good
Nerd: Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! Mammarize me, forces of the universe! Splash, splash, splash!
— Robot Chicken sex
Nature guide: The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around
— Robot Chicken nature
Triple H: John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
— Robot Chicken night
Triple H: I guess if nobodys man enough to challenge me, Ill just take my championship belt and go home.
— Robot Chicken man
Kermit: Hi, ol’ Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. -What do you think about sharing?
— Robot Chicken power
Gordon the Gecko: -The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—
— Robot Chicken wealth
Gordon: Your dad wouldnt know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, — to sit here and sing songs?!
— Robot Chicken sin
Gordon: See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!
— Robot Chicken sex
Gordon: First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these Beepers some little suits.
— Robot Chicken sin
Candidate #1: Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!
— Robot Chicken friends

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