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Russell Peters

If you look good, you can act in a Bollywood movie, you dont have to be able to act; and Aishwarya Rai is a great example of this. She is a beautiful woman... You look at her, I want to look at her. Damn, she is fine; but stop acting or stop trying to act.
— Russell Peters war
I want to see the Chinese team in their huddle. You see all the other countries they say, All right guys, we are gonna go down there, we are gonna pass the ball around, we are gonna have a good time, GO TEAM. You see the Chinese team *Chinese accent, player smoking* Hey asshole, listen up. When you see the ball coming,then you go down the field. Chase the gweilo foreigner with the ball. Somethings going down. BE A MAN!
— Russell Peters time
Arabs, I dont know what the deaf sign for Arabs is. Probably suicide bomber exploding. La la la la!
— Russell Peters suicide
Ive seen racism in my audiences. For example, Ive seen people laugh at every other group, but then clam up when it comes to their community. You cant laugh at everyone else and then not laugh at yourself. You shouldnt be at my show if you cant laugh at yourself.
— Russell Peters people
Indian people, we are proud of our cheapness. You are never gonna insult us by calling us cheap. Thats the best part, you know. You walk up to an Indian guy You guys are cheap .. Thank you for noticing, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you That guy just called you cheap No, no, no. He pronounced it cheap. But what he was saying was smart. Very smart he was.
— Russell Peters art
You can tell how Chinese people speak English because when they speak English, they sound like theyre chopping vegetables.*Chinese accent* Yooouuu dont do it quick. Dont say nothing bi big Dont say nothing what? Bi Big How did you just make a short word even shorter?
— Russell Peters people
You gotta figure being deaf cant be that bad. Its gotta have a positive side to it. Say you have a girlfriend. No, say you have my ex girlfriend. Shes giving you shit, you dont know. All he sees is animated movements and all he thinks is Shes so beautiful when she dances. So much passion
— Russell Peters passion
I get waken up in the middle of the night by a ghost and I wasnt scared anymore because the ghost had an Indian accent. Do you know how hard it is to be afraid when you get woken in the middle of the night by *Indian accent* BOOOOOOOOOOO
— Russell Peters night
I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, Im stuck with a real dilemma. Im like Shit, do I buy this shirt or do I call my uncle? I wonder if he knows where this factory is.
— Russell Peters man
*Filipino accent* Then they have the good one, the Basma tai, you know the basma tai, how do you say it? Your bumbai, how do you say it? Your people have come up with the name. You mean basmati Yes, yes thats the one. Its very plaborpul flavorful and everything.
— Russell Peters people
I was at my parents house, about a month ago. I was watching TV with my dad, right? And the gay pride parade was on that weekend Audience member yells out Woo.. Well whatever makes you happy. And they had a live feed - well not like a live feed pantomiming fellatio, but they were showing the parade, right? And all of a sudden these 3 gay Indian guys came on the screen - I dont mean came orgasmic expression on the screen but they appeared, right? And these 3 gay Indian guys are like, Hey, we are Indian and we are gay! We represent the gay South-Asian Community! And my dad looks at me and goes, That is disgusting. Do you know them? Im like, Why the hell would I know them? Because they are of the gay and you are in the entertainment business.
— Russell Peters men
Jewish people, I dont know what you have done to the deaf community. I dont know if they had land you wanted it.
— Russell Peters people
Just for the record my Arab friends, I dont do any Arab jokes in my act. Its not that I dont think youre funny. Its just .. I dont know, I dont want to die.
— Russell Peters funny
On Arabs Hell look as if hes laughing .. but its not the same laugh youre all doing. *Arabic accent* Oh, I get it. Funny joke - ha ha ha ha - I guess its funny. *gibberish in Arabic* I guess its funny. *to friend* Dont, dont worry.. I will talk to him after.
— Russell Peters funny
People would walk up to me on the streets. *Indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting.You mean mind blowing.No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind.
— Russell Peters people
Thats a sale you never wanna see happening: A Chinese guy selling an Indian guy a Louis Vuitton bag. Neither of them can say Louis Vuitton properly.
— Russell Peters you
Thats an Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like all right, give me the best price? *Indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it and go. take it and go.
— Russell Peters you

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