Schlock Mercenary

Rule 12. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.

Rule 21. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him hes lucky just to be alive, and hell figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.

— Schlock Mercenary man

Rule 28. If the price of collateral damage is high enough, you might be able to get paid for bringing ammunition home with you.

— Schlock Mercenary home

Der Trihs: We dont do sociological stuff like interspeciated workplaces. Were a crack company of space mercenaries. We do hurting people and breaking things.

— Schlock Mercenary people

Breya: Even though the Partnership Collective clones them by the millions, attorneys are still expensive to replace.

— Schlock Mercenary art

Tagon: Someone has locked down our ship, and shot one of our men. As of right now the kid gloves come off.

— Schlock Mercenary love

Breya: What kid gloves? Not an hour ago you and your men totally killed a man in a thousand-round projectile buffet.

— Schlock Mercenary love

Narrator: Trapped in Einsteinian space, our heroes are running out of time - and their only hope just crawled out of a toilet. Tune in tomorrow, please.

— Schlock Mercenary hope

Breya: We dont charge to eat in the ships mess. Its free, so you cant apply restaurant regulations to us.

— Schlock Mercenary ya

Breya: Dont think of it as menial paperwork. Think of it in a blow in the fight against bureaucracy.

— Schlock Mercenary work

Schlock: Hes an elephant, Nick. he doesnt have manos. He does have a trunko, and two sharp tuskos, though.

— Schlock Mercenary man

Schlock: Sweet! I just took out three walls and an evil attorney drone! I think Ill try cranking it up two notches to 7.

— Schlock Mercenary evil

Ennesby: Thurl, this is Lunesby. Shes been self-aware for less than 20 minutes, and is already over a hundred times more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

— Schlock Mercenary hope

Schlock: on the Partnership Collective: Lets take the fight to them! Out-think em, and vaporize them all

— Schlock Mercenary art

Tagon: That was my thought, but Massey had a more profitable plan. Its slow, and painstaking, but truly fearsomewere going to sue them.

— Schlock Mercenary fear

ChVorthq: reading the tin of Ovalkwik Listen to this list: glucose, fructose, corn syrup solids, concentrated cocoa-bean extract, assorted methylxanthine alkaloids including caffiene, theobromine, and theophylline, sodium laureth sulfate, minoxadyl, Buckminster fullerine, codeine, hyper-ephedrine, nicotine, with BHA and BHT added to preserve freshness. Sergeant, you will be drinking a very heavy stimulant cocktail cut with shampoo and inert ultra-tensile carbon.

— Schlock Mercenary reading

Tagon: because we didnt want anyone hijacking the ship. I know. I doubt hes going to be able to fly away in a stolen office building, Shvuu.

— Schlock Mercenary doubt

Ennesby: Not quite. I still have this humiliating memory of resorting to rolling myself down the stairs with my eyebrows.

— Schlock Mercenary memory

Kevyn: I could erase that for you, but the version recorded by the security cameras goes in my private collection.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Tagon: I dont know if youve seen what happens when mercenaries are forced to choose between large sums of money and following orders, but I assure you, its seldom pretty.

— Schlock Mercenary money

Tagon: This kind of work is right up our alley. My troops can be heavily armored, and armed so far past their teeth it would send even the most masochistic orthodontist screaming into the streets.

— Schlock Mercenary work

Liner Captain: No. Weve lost all contact with our service personnel aboard the Princess Tyola, and the techs we sent to board her through the aft service-ways never reported back.

— Schlock Mercenary lost

Liner Captain: Well, no. We lost contact with them about three minutes later, right after the screaming started.

— Schlock Mercenary art

Narrator: After courage and valor have long since fled, the day will be won by the guy who remembered to bring reinforcements to the party.

— Schlock Mercenary art

Tagon: No. Im worried that they might have to do some serious thinking down there, and thats not where theyre strongest.

— Schlock Mercenary thinking

Kevyn: Normallyyou mean screaming through the atmosphere like a trebuchet-launched, gasoline-drenched cat? Knocking down trees and rattling the ground with mach-blasted thunder? Convincing the low-tech natives that were either gods or devils, and inviting any station-dwelling paranoids in orbit to shoot at us?

— Schlock Mercenary god

Petey: This is the graveworld of an ancient civilization. I say the whole planet must be haunted, and this is proof.

— Schlock Mercenary world

Doythaban: Kevyn, Ive been in rooms just like that before. There are no innocent civilians. Trust me. Every last one of them has done something.

— Schlock Mercenary trust

Lady Emily: Depending on your answers to our questions, we either kill you or take you prisoner so we can torture you for more information.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Schlock: See, Ive traveled the galaxy, and they sell guns out there that would amaze and astound you.

— Schlock Mercenary travel

Schlock: Of course, by amaze I mean maim, and by astound I mean render you indistinguishable from the remains of the ground you were standing on.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Gamm: The enforcer reports do not mention eyes, nor a lack thereof. Of course, the reports seldom get past the white-hot blazing maimery spewed from the amorphs plasma cannon. After telling that part my witnesses just curl up and whimper.

— Schlock Mercenary art

Massey: Not so fast, sergeant. I agreed to defend Ms. Veldtfontweg, but not before a kangaroo court of her enemies. We must bring in a jury of her peers, preferably of several species, and from several star systems. There must be a handsomely stern prosecuting attorney, and a full deposition of witnesses and evidence, including these so-called meme fragments. There must be a decently formal courtroom, with a gallery, and a uniformed bailiff. And of course we cannot begin without a properly imposing and dignified judge. Someone with years of experience behind the bench, who has the respect of all, and who in turn respects the twin virtues of justice and mercy. A judge prepared to grant or revoke life or liberty as the law demands. A judge clothed with the honor of the court, and with a heavy, black robe. Something pricey. And a wig - we mustnt forget the wig.

— Schlock Mercenary life

Massey: Your honor, are you aware of the fact that the organization I represent has been authorized by governments of human space to pursue and collect bounties on attorney drones such as the one you are getting ready to consult with?

— Schlock Mercenary war

Massey: Ill make it clearer. Your honor, please step away from the attorney drone, so that we can avoid getting any of it on you.

— Schlock Mercenary honor

Narrator: At amorph wakes the receiving line and the buffet line are the same thing. And thats probably too much information.

— Schlock Mercenary amor

Breya: on Kevyn: The problem is that he doesnt want to work for me. Hed rather work for a tiny, low-margin mercenary company.

— Schlock Mercenary work

Jaksmouth: I dont see a problem there. Youve basically told me that although he cant be bought, his employer can.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Jaksmouth: Then it came to our attention that youve got as much firepower and carriage as any two of our carrier groups put together.

— Schlock Mercenary power

Tagon: That sounds like the preface to an assignment that will send both boredom and profitability fleeing in unrestricted panic.

— Schlock Mercenary men

Jaksmouth: I looked at what were paying you. Im confident that profitability will be sticking around and getting nice and chummy with highway robbery.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Kevyn: Are you sure you want to do that? We have no idea whatll happen to your wallet when we throw it through that aperture.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Gav: My wallet will remain safe in my pocket. Captain Megiddos wallet is going to take a little joy-ride.

— Schlock Mercenary joy

Petey: It just needs to be big enough. Try to imagine a fragmentation grenade that can use an entire star for shrapnel.

— Schlock Mercenary men

Schlock: Actually, I was worried that you might want to be pointing your anti-tank weapons at, say, incoming tanks.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Doythaban: Im not going to say anything like this will be a milk-run or we dont expect any trouble on this trip.

— Schlock Mercenary will

Xinchub: My critics forget that slime is a defensive lubricant. Slimy creatures are difficult to catch.

— Schlock Mercenary cat

Kevyn: Schlock, the entire length of the barrel is an integral part of a multicannon. Plasma couplings and aperture controls are gone, theres no autotrackingthose weapons are now a menace to anyone standing within a hundred meters of you.

— Schlock Mercenary art

ChVorthq: on Petey: Gee, if hes that smart, and he gets shot at, he might qualify to be a sergeant.

— Schlock Mercenary art

ObEnn Admiral: Please remind them that the words prize crew mean your admiral will be upset if you gut this one with plasma fire, you brick-witted morons.

— Schlock Mercenary words

Schlock: You know what I like most about these solo missions? I dont have to wait for somebody else to holler open fire.

— Schlock Mercenary body

Tagon: As soon as they throw that allegiance switch, Petey will no longer be inclined to obey any of the standing orders Ive given him. Especially not the very first one.

— Schlock Mercenary will

Tagon: Im torn between porting back into the system to warn them, or porting back into the system to watch.

— Schlock Mercenary war

Ennesby: I think the Peteys not in hell for committing suicide because he had no soul to begin with argument gave you away.

— Schlock Mercenary soul

Doythaban: Youre not eulogizing me when I die, even if it means I have to take you with me to make sure.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Kevyn: The only way for there to be out-of-spec back doors or faults common to all these systems is if there were a secret cabal or consipiracy among all the manufacturers and vendors we usedof course, if there were such a cabal, they probably wouldnt have our best interests in mind.

— Schlock Mercenary mind

Ennesby: I overheard you saying how illegally fast these shipboard systems were, and then I noticed you left a port open. How could I not move in? The temptation was much too great for a simple little mind like the one on the table. Of course, with this new mind Ive got, I could easily resist those sorts of urges.

— Schlock Mercenary mind

UNS Major: Not my field, general. You might talk to Colonel Urquhearst, though. Hes the man running Operation Babelfish.

— Schlock Mercenary man

Xinchub: Ive tried. Theyve made enough progress that its impossible to carry on a conversation with him.

— Schlock Mercenary progress

Ceeta: You realise you can get ten times the output from a gun less than a tenth that size, dont you?

— Schlock Mercenary time

Ennesby: Commander, we dont have a fabber. How do you expect to build decent astronomy gear from scratch?

— Schlock Mercenary man

Kevyn: By not starting from scratch. I can get excellent resolution by building a hundred-node Very Large Array from existing components.

— Schlock Mercenary art

Ennesby: A Very Large Array would work, Kevyn, but the only thing weve got that many of is missiles.

— Schlock Mercenary work

Kevyn: Are you kidding? This is Sergeant Schlock were talking about. He begged me for it so he could take it down to the firing range.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Ennessby: Our enemy is targeting high density energy sources, like the ones in your powered fullerene uniforms.

— Schlock Mercenary power

Kevyn: On a scale from thats not free checking to heat death of the universe, Id say were looking at the enemy has a superweapon we cant track.

— Schlock Mercenary death

Tagon: Okay, wait a minute. If youre just trying to trounce your competition why did you pay us ten times what their business was worth? You could have just bought them out for that kind of money.

— Schlock Mercenary time

Kreely Employer: True, true. But by bringing us the owners themselves, you gave us the ability to mindrip them and drain their accounts. We expect to come out slightly ahead, and with one less competitor to worry about.

— Schlock Mercenary mind

Schlock: Hey, we didnt have space in the Cryokit for all of you, and I needed the extra mass. Two birds, one stone.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Vending Machine Repairman: Mister, it looks like the whole C.H.O.N. Bake-and-Vend path was ripped out by a giant gorilla.

— Schlock Mercenary man

Narrator: If youre new here, the bad guys are the cute, furry ones. You should be cheering for the pile of crap.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Schlock: The Rev doesnt like Petey. He said he was a soulless warmonkey. I dont like it when my friends dont like each other.

— Schlock Mercenary war

Kevyn: and the Captain left me in charge. Before any of you unwisely take this as a clue to step further out of line than you were already planning to, Id like to say two words about my position as the companys munitions commander and resident mad scientist: guinea pigs.

— Schlock Mercenary words

Kevyn: Well, all I can see is that you decided to attack an entire star system as a feint to draw off the battleplate Vredefort so that you could escort us from the system with minimal collateral damage.

— Schlock Mercenary age

U.N.S. Officer: Minimal collateral damage and Entire star system do not belong in the same sentence.

— Schlock Mercenary age

— Schlock Mercenary words

Captain Kevyn: Hi, Kevyn. Im youokay, thats not quite true. Im you as youll be seven weeks from now.

— Schlock Mercenary true

Captain Kevyn: Yes. Errno. Maybe. Let me try again. I used to be you, and now Im seven weeks older and Im me, but that doesnt mean you have to end up like me. In fact, Im here so that you can work with me to make sure that the conditions that resulted in me dont happen to you.

— Schlock Mercenary work

Narrator: When the messenger arrives and says Dont shoot the messenger, its a good idea to be prepared to shoot the messenger, just in case.

— Schlock Mercenary good

Kevyn: and because of your unique abilities, youre not just delivering the orders. Youll be helping to carry them out.

— Schlock Mercenary live

Ennesby: Its from ancient Earth languages. Ad means torwards and jut means stick out. Idiomatically, it means that your adjutant is the person who sticks it to you.

— Schlock Mercenary war

TAG: I am sure that once you do set foot on the dock additional resistance will materialize for you to shoot at.

— Schlock Mercenary you

Schlock: Shooting around corners would be a lot more fun if I expected to live long enough to turn the story into free beer.

— Schlock Mercenary live

LOTA: You were just taking responsibility. Speaking of which, you should now confiscate Lieutenant Pibalds pistol. It can shoot a hole in the world.

— Schlock Mercenary world

LOTA: Those systems house Lotas consiousness. They are not to be interfered with. More to the point, in consideration of your previous assassination plan, should any of you as much as approach those systems Lota would be required to fire you.

— Schlock Mercenary sin

LOTA: Correction: Credomar is a city-state full of coddled humans who currently reside on a habitable moon of their very own. The remains of their stationTHAT is a hyperspace death-ray. You are here to help me name it.

— Schlock Mercenary death

Kevyn: Thats the name. LOTA. Its your name. You live in those control systems. You are the Discontiguous Particle Acceleration System.

— Schlock Mercenary art

Tagon: Sure, sometimes I destroy robots and then purge their backups, but only when they were evil spies who had it comng.

— Schlock Mercenary time

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