Seinfeld

#32943 Seinfeld

: So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughtta get the harpoon out of your chest first. .

Seinfeld Quotes about age
#32945 Seinfeld

: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. Jerry: Right. George: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good. Jerry: Lip area. George: You know, a hug: definitely good. Jerry: Hug is definitely good. George: Sure. Jerry: Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? George: That's so brutal, I hate that. Jerry: You know how they do that? George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad. Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? George: Hand sandwich. Jerry: Right. George: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. .

Seinfeld Quotes about war
#32946 Seinfeld

: There's something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these; is this of any value at all?" .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#32947 Seinfeld

Jerry: [while playing Scrabble] "Quone"? Helen: ...30...31... Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that. [Jerry picks up the dictionary] Helen: ...32... : No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word. Jerry: I am challenging. Kramer: Quone. To quone something. Jerry: Uh-huh. [Jerry looks up the word] Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore. Morty: Quone's not a word. Jerry: [showing the dictionary] No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off. Helen: [to Kramer] Why did you make me put that down? Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him. .

Seinfeld Quotes about good
#32948 Seinfeld

: [Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance, right buddy? : No. Kramer: How can you not have insurance? Jerry: Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only one design flaw:the door... [closing door] must be closed! Kramer: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it, I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case! Jerry: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an accident. Kramer: I made a mistake. : These things happen. Kramer: I'm human Jerry: In your way. .

Seinfeld Quotes about money
#32950 Seinfeld

: She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk." : Ugh. The four worst words in the English language. George: That or "Whose bra is this?" Jerry: That's worse. .

Seinfeld Quotes about words
#32951 Seinfeld

: Come on. Let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat? Jerry: Where? Elaine: I don't care. I'm not hungry. Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there. Elaine: What are we gonna do there, talk? Jerry: We can talk. Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk. Jerry: Then we'll just sit there. .

Seinfeld Quotes about you
#32952 Seinfeld

: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor. : I never heard him say anything really funny. Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor. George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth? George: I don't know but he ain't funny. .

Seinfeld Quotes about humor
#32953 Seinfeld

: What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because they're clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to ten. So don't give me hygiene. Jerry: So what are you gonna do? Elaine: I don't know. I can't think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? Elaine: What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks? Jerry: I'm no cat killer. .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213308 Seinfeld

Jerry: Although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? .

Seinfeld Quotes about art
#213309 Seinfeld

Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? .

Seinfeld Quotes about war
#213310 Seinfeld

George: I see, well, thats open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. .

Seinfeld Quotes about eyes
#213311 Seinfeld

Jerry: Theres something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine. I dont know exactly what it is I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says I dont have any money, but if youll contact these people, Im sure theyll stick up for me If you just trust me this one time I dont have any money but I have these I wrote on these; is this of any value at all? .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213312 Seinfeld

Kramer: Jerry! Im gonna find your stuff. Im gonna solve it, Im on the case, buddy, Im on the case! .

Seinfeld Quotes about you
#213314 Seinfeld

Elaine: Come on. Lets go do something. I dont want to just sit around here. Wanna get something to eat? .

Seinfeld Quotes about want
#213315 Seinfeld

George: You would think that, but either youre born with a sense of humor, or youre not. Its not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. .

Seinfeld Quotes about humor
#213316 Seinfeld

Elaine: What evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? Huh? What do they do? Because theyre clean? I am sorry. My Uncle Pete showers four times a day and he cant count to ten. So dont give me hygiene. .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213317 Seinfeld

Elaine: I dont know. I cant think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? .

Seinfeld Quotes about man
#213318 Seinfeld

Jerry: Im not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll em down below my knee? .

Seinfeld Quotes about art
#213320 Seinfeld

George: You know, Ive been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which Ill ever have the opportunity to have sex again. Hows it gonna happen? I just dont see how it could occur. .

Seinfeld Quotes about sex
#213321 Seinfeld

Jerry: I didnt know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrants going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesnt make senseam I wrong? .

Seinfeld Quotes about body
#213322 Seinfeld

Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, its with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I mightve been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge. .

Seinfeld Quotes about life
#213323 Seinfeld

George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. .

Seinfeld Quotes about sex
#213324 Seinfeld

Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I dont get this. Arent cows outside most of the time? I dont understand it. When its raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in, were all wearing leather. Open the door! Were gonna ruin the whole outfit here! Is it suede? I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I cant have this cleaned. Its all I got! .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213325 Seinfeld

Jerry: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what youre doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? We have soda, we have soda, we have soda, jumping, laughing, flying through the air - its a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and youre watching TV and youre drinking the exact same product that theyre advertising right there on TV, and its like, you know, theyre spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and Im standing there - Maybe Im putting too much ice in mine. .

Seinfeld Quotes about people
#213326 Seinfeld

Jerry: Cause Im an idiot! You may think youre an idiot, but with all due respect - Im a much bigger idiot than you are. .

Seinfeld Quotes about respect
#213327 Seinfeld

Jerry: Shes right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, Im gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar. .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213328 Seinfeld

George: Youre doomed. Youre gonna have to have all your sex at womens apartments. Itll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage. .

Seinfeld Quotes about women
#213329 Seinfeld

Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didnt take it. This pointing to himself is an idiot. .

Seinfeld Quotes about self
#213330 Seinfeld

George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots. .

Seinfeld Quotes about life
#213331 Seinfeld

George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, MacArthur Park, and I got to the part about, Ill never have that recipe again, and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked. .

Seinfeld Quotes about life
#213332 Seinfeld

Kramer: Yeah, Im a cop. Im a good cop. Im a damn good cop! Todays your lucky day, junior, cause Im gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and youll be sorry. You got me? .

Seinfeld Quotes about war
#213333 Seinfeld

George: Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game. .

Seinfeld Quotes about men
#213334 Seinfeld

Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting. .

Seinfeld Quotes about people
#213335 Seinfeld

Elaine: Oh really? You should go; theyre great! Except when theyre over its hard to get used to clothes, so sometimes when Im in my office I just sit there naked. .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213336 Seinfeld

Elaine: Oh yeah, I usually sit around naked a couple hours a day. I cook naked, I clean naked, I drive naked, naked, naked, naked! .

Seinfeld Quotes about day
#213337 Seinfeld

George: Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? Im finished. Its all over for me. In fact, lets end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. Im begging you. Lets just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face. .

Seinfeld Quotes about life
#213338 Seinfeld

Tor: No. You know, I am not a businessman. Im a holistic healer. Its a calling, its a gift. You see, its in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. Youre not a patient. Youre a customer. .

Seinfeld Quotes about business
#213339 Seinfeld

Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldnt be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad. .

Seinfeld Quotes about friends
#213340 Seinfeld

Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed. .

Seinfeld Quotes about good
#213341 Seinfeld

Jerry: But of course, wed have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something. .

Seinfeld Quotes about problems
#213342 Seinfeld

Jerry: Now heres another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I dont see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that. .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213343 Seinfeld

George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say youre not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I dont have a job, I have no place to go. Youre not in the mood? Well you get in the mood! .

Seinfeld Quotes about you
#213344 Seinfeld

George: Every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control of my life and yet, I want them all. Is that irony? .

Seinfeld Quotes about life
#213345 Seinfeld

Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on whos hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebodys plate. .

Seinfeld Quotes about people
#213346 Seinfeld

Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you dont say anything, you eat it, say thank you very much, wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks. .

Seinfeld Quotes about you
#213347 Seinfeld

Jerry: They wont do anything; in fact, youll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives. .

Seinfeld Quotes about live
#213348 Seinfeld

Elaine: OK, I dont wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didnt put mustard on it or something .

Seinfeld
#213349 Seinfeld

George: Well, its this little place with this little bathroom. Its like right there, you know, its not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? Theres no buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and its the first time, and its early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impendingintestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know Im gonna have to stop. And as this is happening Im thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarilyextricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know Im going to need. .

Seinfeld Quotes about time
#213350 Seinfeld

George: So I finally stop and say, Tatiana, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left. .

Seinfeld Quotes about hope

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