Shallow Hal 2001

[after Rosemarys weight crushed a chair]Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hells wrong with this chair? Whats this shit made out of, anyway?Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.

— Shallow Hal 2001 jesus

Tony Robbins: Hal, dont you think youre being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?Hal: Well, no! You know, Id like her to be into culture and shit, too.Tony Robbins: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?

— Shallow Hal 2001 women

[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

— Shallow Hal 2001 friend

Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

— Shallow Hal 2001 you

Tony Robbins: Inner beautys the easiest thing in the world to see when youre looking for it... The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.

— Shallow Hal 2001 art

Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?Jen: High standards? In the five years Ive known you, every woman, I should say girl, youve gone after has been completely out of your league.Hal: Whats that supposed to mean?Artie: Oh, she doesnt mean anything by it. Shes just saying youre not that good looking.Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

— Shallow Hal 2001 art

[after Mauricio broke Hals spell]Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.Hal: Okay... lets say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didnt find her attractive.Mauricio: It wouldnt matter. Because I know theyd be wrong.Hal: See! Thats what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I dont care what anybody else saw!Mauricio: Youre right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?

— Shallow Hal 2001 love

Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!

— Shallow Hal 2001

[Hal is sitting in bed and Rosemary tosses her panties at him. He picks them up and they are revealed to be extremely large]Hal: What the - ? How did - ?[Rosemary only smiles]Hal: Get over here, Houdini!

— Shallow Hal 2001 smile

Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that Im pretty and that Im not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what Im not. Im the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and whos not afraid to be funny. And Im the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. Im not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And Im fine with that. But when you go around saying Im something that Im not, its just, its just not nice.

— Shallow Hal 2001 funny

Tony Robbins: Havent you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?Mauricio: Have you heard the song Who Let The Dogs Out?

— Shallow Hal 2001 beauty

Mauricio: You Had Me At Get Lost.

— Shallow Hal 2001 you

Rosemary: Is that a Members Only jacket?Mauricio: Yes.Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

— Shallow Hal 2001 you

Mauricio: The thing is all the women hes been seeing are ugly.Tony Robbins: Who says theyre ugly?Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

— Shallow Hal 2001 women

Mauricio: You cant come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. Its called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.

— Shallow Hal 2001 you

Rosemary: I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

— Shallow Hal 2001 thought

Mauricio: Shallow Hal wants a gal.

— Shallow Hal 2001 want

Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I dont really care about the money.Rosemary: I never read that book.Hal: What book?Rosemary: Things losers say.

— Shallow Hal 2001 time

[Jill has just propositioned Hal]Hal: You know, there are a few times in a guys life - and I mean two or three, tops - when he comes to a crossroads, and hes gotta decide. If he goes one way, he can keep doing what hes been doing and be with any woman wholl have him. And if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe - maybe for the rest of his life. Now it seems that by taking the other road, hes missing out on a lot. But the truth is, he gets much more in return. He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

— Shallow Hal 2001 life

Tony Robbins: You got a pattern of judging women by their exterior, we cant talk about it, we need to break it, I want you to ask yourself has there ever been a time where you have been increasingly shallow, you just looked at a woman and thought you were better then she was.Hal: All the time.[Tony Robbins puts his hands on Hals head]Tony Robbins: [yells] DEVILS COME OUT!Hal: What the hell are you doing banana hands?Tony Robbins: Just hang on, remember how I told you we just got to jolt your nervous system, not just talking about it, now I want you to relax, I wont do that again.Hal: Ok, I didnt mean the banana hands thing.Tony Robbins: Thats ok.

— Shallow Hal 2001 women

[Mauricio has just seen Hal dancing with some unattractive women]Mauricio: What in the name of all that is holy?

— Shallow Hal 2001 women

Mauricio: Uh Hal, its 10:00, we gotta go.Hal: [laughing] What are you talking about?Mauricio: We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place.Hal: What thing?Mauricio: Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here.[Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor]Hal: What are you doing?Mauricio: I am rescuing you.Hal: From what?Mauricio: From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, thats what!

— Shallow Hal 2001 women

[Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls]Hal: Im going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

— Shallow Hal 2001 you

Mauricio: Thats why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow.

— Shallow Hal 2001

Hal: Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?Mauricio: Third Party Perspective!

— Shallow Hal 2001 art

Mauricio: Shes got CANKLES!

— Shallow Hal 2001

Hal: Theres Rosemary.Mauricio: Where?Hal: Right there!Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

— Shallow Hal 2001 right

Doctor: Reverend Larson? Your son is here.Reverend Larson: Ok, sure. Send her in.

— Shallow Hal 2001 you

[Walt puts on a pair of rubber gloves]Nurse Tanya Peeler: What are those for?Walt: You ever walked through a truck-stop mens room on your hands?

— Shallow Hal 2001 love

Walt: Dont you read the business section?Hal: Why, whats up?Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft!Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up?Walt: Lets just say if I had an ass, Id wipe it with twenties.

— Shallow Hal 2001 business

Mauricio: Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.

— Shallow Hal 2001 fire

Jen: Hal, we all know youre as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks.Artie: If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately... before you hurt the poor girl.

— Shallow Hal 2001 art

Jill: Hal... Im not attracted to you.Hal: So what? What, you think that everyone who goes out are always attracted to each other? Get real!

— Shallow Hal 2001 you

Mauricio: [when Hal tries to point out Rosemary] Is she... behind the rhino?

— Shallow Hal 2001

Hal: I feel bad for people who count calories. Its no way to live!

— Shallow Hal 2001 people

Hal: And Vicki?Mauricio: Who?Hal: Vicki!Mauricio: Whos Vicki?Hal: Vicki. Vicki, with the short brown hair.Mauricio: Vicki? I thought that was a guy! I was calling her Vic!

— Shallow Hal 2001 thought

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