Shrek 2 2004

Shrek: Quick, tell a lie!Pinocchio: What should I say?Donkey: Say something crazy, like, Im wearing ladies underwear!Pinocchio: Im wearing ladies underwear.Pinocchio: [silence]Shrek: Are you?Pinocchio: I most certainly am not!Pinocchio: [nose extends]Donkey: It looks like you most certainly am are!Pinocchio: I am not!Pinocchio: [nose extends]Puss-in-Boots: What kind?Gingerbread Man: ITS A THONG!

— Shrek 2 2004 silence

Shrek: Donkey, think of the saddest thing thats ever happened to you.Donkey: Oh, man! Where do I begin? First there was the time the farmer traded me for some magic beans. I aint never gotten over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and they all starting trying to pin a tail on me. Then they all got drunk, and started hitting me with sticks, yelling Piñata! Piñata! What is a piñata, anyway?

— Shrek 2 2004 time

[after drinking a beauty potion]Donkey: I dont *feel* any different. Do I look any different?Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me.

— Shrek 2 2004 beauty

Puss-in-Boots: Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.Shrek: Join the club. We got jackets.

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Dont worry. Things just seem bad because its dark and rainy and Fionas father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.

— Shrek 2 2004 man

Donkey: I dont wanna die! I dont wanna DIE! Oh, sweet sister mother of mercy! Im melting! IM MEEELTIIING!Shrek: Its just the rain, Donkey.

— Shrek 2 2004 mother

Donkey: What about my Miranda rights? Youre supposed to say, You have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.Puss-in-Boots: [camera shows just Puss] I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.Gingerbread Man: Shrek? Donkey?Puss-in-Boots: [looks up to see fairy tale creatures above him] Too late.

— Shrek 2 2004 man

King: Who on earth are they?Queen: I think thats our little girl!King: Thats not little, thats a really big problem! Wasnt she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell?Queen: Well, hes no Prince Charming, but they do look...Shrek: Happy now? We came, we saw them. Now lets go before they light the torches!Princess Fiona: But theyre my parents!Shrek: Hello, they locked you in a tower!Princess Fiona: Hey, that was for my own...King: Good! Nows our chance. Lets go back inside and pretend were not home.Queen: Harold! We have to be...Shrek: Quick, while theyre not looking, we can make a run for it!Princess Fiona: Shrek! Stop it! Everything is going to be...King: A disaster! Theres no way...Princess Fiona: You can do this.Shrek: But I really...King: Really...Queen: Really...Shrek: Dont...Princess Fiona: Want...Queen: To...Shrek: Be...King: He-ere.

— Shrek 2 2004 art

Receptionist: Look, shes not seeing any clients today. Okay?Shrek: Thats okay, buddy. Were from the union.Receptionist: The union?Shrek: We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.Receptionist: Oh, of course.Shrek: Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?Receptionist: A little. We dont even have dental.Shrek: They dont even have dental. Okay, were gonna have a look around. And buddy, it would be better if the Fairy Godmother doesnt know about this. Know what I mean? Hmm?Donkey: Hmm?Shrek: Hmm?Donkey: Huh? Huh? Huh?Shrek: Stop it.

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Donkey: You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo.

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Donkey: [singing] The sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom...[trails off]Shrek: Bet my bottom?Donkey: Im coming Elizabeth![passes out]

— Shrek 2 2004 sin

Captain of the Guards: Catnip...Puss-in-Boots: Thats, uh, not mine...

— Shrek 2 2004 cat

[Shrek, Fiona, Fionas Mom and Dad and Donkey are arguing at the table]Queen: Harold!Princess Fiona: Shrek!Shrek: Fiona...King: Fiona!Princess Fiona: Mom!Queen: Harold!Donkey: [happily] Donkey!

— Shrek 2 2004

Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin? Hes gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.

— Shrek 2 2004 dream

Donkey: [repeatedly] Are we there yet?

— Shrek 2 2004

Donkey: [singing] Head em up, Head em up, Move em on, Move em on, Head em up, Rawhide! Line em up, Move em on, Head em up, Head em up, Move em on, Rawhide! Knock em out, Pound dead, Make em tea, Buy em drinks, Meet their mommas, Milk em hard, RAWHIDE! YEE-HAW!

— Shrek 2 2004 sin

Shrek: The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey? Thats where were going! FAR, FAR away!

— Shrek 2 2004

Puss-in-Boots: I hate Mondays.

— Shrek 2 2004 hate

Shrek: [about the trumpeters and messenger who gave Shrek and Fiona the invitation] How do you explain Sgt. Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Donkey: Shrek and I drank this potion and well, now... were sexy!

— Shrek 2 2004 sex

Shrek: [to Donkey] For five minutes, could you not be yourself? FOR FIVE MINUTES!

— Shrek 2 2004 self

Donkey: Are we there yet?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Really?Shrek: No!

— Shrek 2 2004 real

[after discovering Shrek must kiss his true love for his transformation to be permanent]Maiden #2: Oh, pick me. Ill be your true love!Maiden #1: Ill be your true love.Maiden #3: Ill be true... enough.

— Shrek 2 2004 love

Shrek: Thats it, Mongo! To the castle![Mongo heads to the giant cup on top of Farbucks Coffee]Shrek: No, no, no, no! You great stupid pastry!

— Shrek 2 2004 past

Puss-in-Boots: [trying to convince Shrek not to neuter him] Please, no, por favor, por favor, please no, I implore you. I was doing it for my family! My mother shes sick and my father he lives off the garbage. The king offered me much money and I have a little brother...

— Shrek 2 2004 family

Donkey: [from their hiding place] Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face!

— Shrek 2 2004 you

[to Donkey, when Shrek, Donkey, and Puss are at a bar]The Ugly Stepsister: Why the long face?

— Shrek 2 2004

Donkey: [to Puss-in-Boots] Im sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.

— Shrek 2 2004 read

Donkey: Pray for mercy, from Puss!Puss-in-Boots: And Donkey!

— Shrek 2 2004 mercy

Cedric: Can I help you, your majesty?King: Ah, yes, um... Mmm, exquisite. What do you call this dish?Cedric: That would be the dogs breakfast, your majesty.King: Ah, yes! Very good, uh... Carry on, Cedric.

— Shrek 2 2004 good

Shrek: Oh, look! A little cat.[Puss-in-boots brandishes his sword]Donkey: Look out, Shrek, he got a piece!

— Shrek 2 2004 cat

[after Shrek, Donkey and Puss stumble upon a factory with multi-colored smokestacks]Donkey: Oh, no! Thats the old Keeblers place! Lets just walk away slowly.Puss-in-Boots: Thats the Fairy Godmothers cottage. She is the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom.Shrek: So why dont we drop in for a spell? Ha, ha! Spell!

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Chef: Bon appétit!Donkey: Oh, Mexican food! My favorite.

— Shrek 2 2004 food

[Harold takes the spell meant for Shrek, and is blasted until only his armour remains]Princess Fiona: Oh, Dad...Queen: Harold...Pinocchio: Is he... oh...[theres a ribbit]Gingerbread Man: He croaked...[Harold, the Frog King, clambers out of his armour]Queen: ...Harold?Princess Fiona: ...Dad?King: [sighs] I had hoped you would never see me like this...Donkey: [to Shrek] Huh - and he gave *you* a hard time!Shrek: Donkey!King: No, no, hes right - Im sorry, to both of you. I only wanted what was best for Fiona, but I can see now she already has it. Shrek, Fiona - will you accept an old frogs apologies, and my blessing?[Shrek and Fiona bow their heads in assent]Queen: Harold...King: Im sorry, Lillian - I just wish I could be the man that you deserve...Queen: [taking him in her hand] Youre more that man today than you ever were - warts and all...

— Shrek 2 2004 hope

Princess Fiona: I want what any princess wants - to live happily ever after... with the *ogre* I married.

— Shrek 2 2004 live

King: [Donkey sits at the table] No, no! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!Princess Fiona: Dad, its alright, its alright. Hes with us. He helped rescue me from the dragon.Donkey: Yup, thats me, the noble steed. Hey waiter! How bout a bowl for the steed?

— Shrek 2 2004 help

Fairy Godmother: Harold, you have forced me to do something I really dont want to do.King: What... Where are we?Fast Food Clerk: Well, hi there! Welcome to Friars Fat Boy. May I take your order?Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope youre happy.

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Donkey: [after turning back into a donkey] Aaaaaaw.Shrek: Hey? You still look like a noble steed to me.

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Donkey: [carriage runs over Donkey] Oh, God! help me, please! My racing days are over! Im blind! Im blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever be able to play the violin again?

— Shrek 2 2004 truth

Shrek: A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? Im-Im...Maiden #1: Gorgeous!Maiden #2: Ill say.

— Shrek 2 2004 cute

Fairy Godmother: He endured blistering winds and scorching deserts - he climbed the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower - and what does he find? Some gender-confused WOLF telling him that HIS princess is already married!King: Well, it wasnt my fault - he didnt get there in time!

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Princess Fiona: Is that glitter on your lips?Prince Charming: Mmm, cherry flavored. Want a taste?

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Puss-in-Boots: Pray for mercy from Puss... in boots.

— Shrek 2 2004 mercy

[Shrek steals two noblemens clothes]Shrek: Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I cant find you, or if I forget.

— Shrek 2 2004 men

[hanging from Fairy Godmothers feet and looking up]Pig: I see London, I see France...

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Puss-in-Boots: Fear me, if you dare.

— Shrek 2 2004 fear

Donkey: [to Puss] If we ever need an expert on licking ourselves, well give you a call.

— Shrek 2 2004 you

[to handsome Shrek]Maiden #2: Youre so tense.Maiden #1: I want to rub his shoulders.Maiden #2: I got it covered. Thanks.Maiden #3: I dont have anything to rub.Maiden #1: Well, get in line.

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Queen: Oh, stop being such a drama king!

— Shrek 2 2004 drama

Shrek: TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, mac?

— Shrek 2 2004 work

Shrek: Face it, Donkey. Were lost.Donkey: We cant be lost. We followed the kings instructions to the letter. What did he say? Go to the deepest, darkest part of the forest.Shrek: Aye.Donkey: Go past the sinister-looking trees with the scary-looking branches.Shrek: Uh-huh.Donkey: And theres that bush that looks like Shirley Bassey.Shrek: We passed that bush three times already!Donkey: Well, I wasnt the one who refused to stop for directions.

— Shrek 2 2004 time

Shrek: Donkey? youre a...Donkey: A stallion, baby! I can whinny![whinnies]Donkey: I can count![stomps his hoof]Donkey: Look at me, Shrek! Im trotting!

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Pinocchio: Im a real boy!

— Shrek 2 2004 real

[convincing Donkey to let Puss come with them]Shrek: How many cats can wear boots? Honestly?...

— Shrek 2 2004 man

Puss-in-Boots: Ah-ha-ha!...[cough - hack - cough]Puss-in-Boots: He he... Hairball.Donkey: Oh, that is nasty!

— Shrek 2 2004

Shrek: Hi. Im here to see...Receptionist: The Fairy Godmother? Im sorry, shes not here right now.Fairy Godmother: [on intercom] Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo! Now!

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Donkey: [running ahead of giant gingerbread man] Run, run, run as fast as you can!

— Shrek 2 2004 man

Gingerbread Man: I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture.Pinocchio: Im not flipping anywhere, Sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.

— Shrek 2 2004 hate

Princess Fiona: They just want to give us their blessing.Shrek: Oh, great! Now I need their blessing?Princess Fiona: Well, if you want to be part of this family, yes.Shrek: Who said I want to be part of this family?Princess Fiona: Uh... you did? When you married me?Shrek: Well, theres some fine print for ya.

— Shrek 2 2004 art

Mirror: Well, the abs are fab and its gluteus to the maximus here at the Far Far Away royal ball. The carriages are all lined up as the cream of the crop pours out of them like Miss Muffets curds and whey.

— Shrek 2 2004 ya

[the king enters Puss room; it is dark, and only Puss eyes and boots are visible]Puss-in-Boots: Who dares enter my room?King: Sorry - I hope Im not interrupting anything, but I was told that you are the one to handle an ogre problem.Puss-in-Boots: You are told correct, but for this I charge a great deal of money.King: Will this do?[the king throws a bag full of money on the table; Puss opens it with his sword]Puss-in-Boots: You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.

— Shrek 2 2004 hope

Shrek: Puss, do you think you could get up there?Puss-in-Boots: No prolema, boss - in one of my nine cat lives I was the great cat burglar Santiago de Compostela!

— Shrek 2 2004 live

Fairy Godmother: Harold, you were supposed to give her the potion!King: Well, I guess gave her the wrong tea.

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Fairy Godmother: We have to go. I have to do Charmings hair. You know, hes all high in the front and he cant reach the back. He always needs someone to take care of the back.Prince Charming: Oh, thank you, Mother.Donkey: [outside window] Mother?Shrek: Uh... Mary! A talking horse!Fairy Godmother: The ogre!

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Donkey: You know, in some cultures, donkeys are revered as the smartest of animals, especially us talking ones.

— Shrek 2 2004 art

Blind Mouse: [muffled] Pardon me. Would you mind letting me go?Shrek: What? Puss!Puss-in-Boots: [spits Blind Mouse out] Sorry, boss.

— Shrek 2 2004 mind

[Dragon flies up with her and Donkys children]Donkey: Look at our little mutant babies![screen goes black]Donkey: I gotta get a job!

— Shrek 2 2004 children

Fairy Godmother: What in Grimms name are you doing here?Shrek: It seems that Fiona is not at all happy.Fairy Godmother: Oh, and is there any question as to why that is? Lets explore that, shall we?[looks over her bookshelf]Fairy Godmother: Lets see... P-p-p-p-p, Princess. Cinderella... Handsome prince, lived happily ever after... oh, no ogres! Sleeping Beauty... handsome prince, no ogres. Thumbelina, no! Handsel and Gretel, no! The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman... no, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres dont live happily ever after.

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Gingerbread Man: It looks like were up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!

— Shrek 2 2004 man

[Puss is watching Shrek and Fiona]Puss-in-Boots: Whatever happens... I must not cry. You cannot make me cry...[breaks down sobbing]

— Shrek 2 2004 hate

Princess Fiona: Shrek?Puss-in-Boots: For you, baby, I could be.

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Fairy Godmother: I dont care whose fault this was, just get this place cleaned up! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate!

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Queen: So, Fiona. Tell us about where you live.Princess Fiona: Well, Shrek owns his own land. Dont you, honey?Shrek: Yes. Its in an... enchanted forest, abundant in squirrels, and cute little duckies...Donkey: What?[laughs]Donkey: I know you aint talking about the swamp.Shrek: Donkey!King: An ogre from a swamp. How original.Queen: I guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.[both Shrek and the King choke; Shrek coughs up his spoon]Shrek: Its a little early to be thinking about that, isnt it?King: Indeed! I just started eating.

— Shrek 2 2004 art

[upon arriving at Far Far Away]Shrek: We are definitly not in the swamp anymore.

— Shrek 2 2004

Puss-in-Boots: [to Shrek] I too was concocting this very same plan, already our minds are becoming one!

— Shrek 2 2004 mind

King: Im sorry, Lillian. I just wish I could be the man you deserve.Queen: You are more that man now than you ever were, warts and all.

— Shrek 2 2004 war

Donkey: Im a stallion, baby!

— Shrek 2 2004

Puss-in-Boots: Today, I repay my debt...[soldiers surround Puss as he slowly draws his weapon]Puss-in-Boots: EN GARDE!

— Shrek 2 2004 day

Shrek: Look out, princess. Here comes the new me.[his pants fall down]Donkey: First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes.[the maidens gasp with delight]

— Shrek 2 2004 light

Prince Charming: [waving his sword] Where is he Mum? I shall render his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! HE WILL RUE THE VERY DAY HE STOLE MY KINGDOM AWAY FROM ME![a bird sheds its droppings on him]Fairy Godmother: Oh, put it away, Junior! Youre still going to be King. We just need to work out something smarter, thats all.

— Shrek 2 2004 god

The Ugly Stepsister: [approaching Prince Charming] Hello, Gorgeous.

— Shrek 2 2004 hell

[trying to get Puss, Donkey accidentally kicks Shrek in the groin]Donkey: Did I miss?Shrek: No. You got them.

— Shrek 2 2004 you

Prince Charming: Uh... FYI. Not my fault!

— Shrek 2 2004

[Donkey collapses in a dead faint]Puss-in-Boots: Hey, boss. Lets shave him.

— Shrek 2 2004 dead

Princess Fiona: Youre acting like a... a...Shrek: Go on, say it.Princess Fiona: Like an ogre!Shrek: Well, guess what? Whether your parents like it or not, I *am* an ogre![roars at the dog to shut it up]Shrek: And guess what, princess? Thats not about to change.Princess Fiona: Ive made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.[she leaves]Donkey: Thats real smooth, Shrek. Im an ogre! Arrr!

— Shrek 2 2004 change

King: So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...Shrek: Ogres! Yes!Queen: Not that theres anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?King: Oh, no, no. Of course not! Thats assuming you dont eat your own young!Princess Fiona: Dad!Shrek: Oh, no, we usually prefer the ones who have been locked away in a tower!Princess Fiona: Shrek, please!King: I only did that because I love her!Shrek: Oh, aye! Daycare or dragon-guarded castle!

— Shrek 2 2004 love

Shrek: Aww, come one, Donkey, look at him, in his wee lil boots! I mean, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly?

— Shrek 2 2004 man

[Shrek is depressed because Fionas father wants to kill him]Donkey: Oh, dont feel bad, Shrek. Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.

— Shrek 2 2004 body

Puss-in-Boots: [gets a look from Shrek and Donkey after agreeing Shrek should be a Prince Charming] Sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.

— Shrek 2 2004 thought

Puss-in-Boots: Hey! Isnt we supposed to be having a fiesta?

— Shrek 2 2004

Donkey: [as he stands on an elevated stage with a mike] Puss and Donkey, yall.

— Shrek 2 2004 ya

Gingerbread Man: Fire up the ovens, Muffin Man! We got a big order to fill.

— Shrek 2 2004 man

Mongo: [drowning] Be good.

— Shrek 2 2004 good

Prince Charming: Ill have the Medieval Meal.

— Shrek 2 2004 die

Gingerbread Man: ITS ALIVE!

— Shrek 2 2004 man

[Shrek has grabbed Puss-in-boots]Donkey: I say we take the sword and neuter him right here! Give him the Bob Barker treatment!

— Shrek 2 2004 men

Shrek: Do you still know the Muffin Man?Gingerbread Man: Sure, hes down on Drury Lane. Why?Shrek: Because were going to need flour. Lots and lots of flour.

— Shrek 2 2004 man

Fairy Godmother: I told you ogres dont live happily ever after!

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Fairy Godmother: Dont you point those dirty, green sausages at me!

— Shrek 2 2004 god

Fairy Godmother: Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away...

— Shrek 2 2004 happiness

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