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The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981

Waldorf: These seats are awful.Statler: Why? Cant you see anything?Waldorf: Thats the problem. I can see everything.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Waldorf: How do they do it?Statler: How do we watch it?Waldorf: *Why* do we watch it?Statler: [Breaking the fourth wall] Why do *you* watch it?
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Waldorf: Just when you think this show is terrible something wonderful happens.Statler: What?Waldorf: It ends.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 wonder
Sams Dance Partner: Whats the difference between illegal and immoral?Sam The Bald Eagle: Immoral is something thats not right and illegal is me with a tummy ache.Sam The Bald Eagle: [Sams dance partner looks at the camera in disgust] I didnt write it.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 art
Waldorf: Well, you gotta give them credit.Statler: Whys that?Waldorf: Well, theyre gonna keep on doing it till they get it right.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Statler: Please dont make me watch it.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981
Miss Piggy: Methinks thou doth protest too much.Kermit: What?Miss Piggy: Shakespeare.Kermit: Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.Miss Piggy: How would you like a pork chop? Hi-yah![karate chops Kermit]Miss Piggy: You always hurt the one you love.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 love
Statler: Now why did you do that to poor Fozzie?Waldorf: Do what? I really was on the Titanic.Statler: I know. You still have the dress you wore so theyd let you in the life boat. Heh heh heh.Waldorf: Doh!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 life
Kermit: Animal, you like the theme song, dont you?Animal: [nods head emphatically] Yeah, yeah!Floyd: No, no!Animal: [shakes head emphatically] No, no.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Waldorf: Tell me, Statler. Do you have any naval experience?Statler: Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.Waldorf: Really, how?Statler: I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 experience
Miss Piggy: [as Nurse Piggy] Its too late, Doctor Bob. Weve lost him.Rowlf: [as Doctor Bob] Well, he couldnt have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 lost
[repeated line]Announcer: And now, Veterinarians Hospital. The continuing storrrrry of a quack whos gone to the dogs.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 dogs
Kermit: Ladies and gentlemen, its the Muppet Show!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 men
Statler: I like that last number.Waldorf: What did you like about it?Statler: It was the *last* number!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Statler: This show is awful.Waldorf: Terrible.Statler: Disgusting.Waldorf: See you next week?Statler: Of course.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Statler: What have you got for an opening act this time? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?Kermit: Cancel the opening number.Chinese Gorilla: Dong day do dai dai do...
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 time
Statler: Ever heard of pig on bikes?Waldorf: Ive never heard of road hogs.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981
Miss Piggy: But I love him.Rowlf: How could you love him? Youre a nurse.Miss Piggy: That may be true, but I am a woman first.Rowlf: No, youre not. Youre a pig first. Nurse second. I dont think woman made the top 10.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 love
Fozzie: Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have re-mastered the art of handling hecklers.Kermit: Oh, you think so, huh?Fozzie: Oh, I know so. I know so.Kermit: OK, I tell you what - you tell a joke and I will heckle you.Fozzie: Great.Kermit: But, Fozzie - I expect a great comeback.Fozzie: Right.[clears throat]Fozzie: Ahh, my cousins so dumb he thinks Eggs Benedicts a mafia gangster.Kermit: Ive seen cheeseburgers funnier then that.[Fozzie pounds Kermit with a rubber chicken]Fozzie: What do you think, huh? Too subtle?
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 time
Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet News Flash.[runs to the desk]Muppet Newsman: There is no news tonight.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 man
Fozzie: Hey, did you hear the one about the kangaroo that comes into a store, and a hippopotamus comes out and he says to the kanga[curtains close]Fozzie: HEY I WASNT FINISHED!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Fozzie: [Phone rings] Ill get it![Picks up]Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.[Coins start pouring out of the mike on the phone, and Fozzie takes off his hat quickly to catch them]Kermit: Fozzie, who was it this time?Fozzie: Las Vegas.[Kermit walks off disgusted]
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 time
Waldorf: Well, this show certainly doesnt lay any eggs.Chickens: Bwak bawk bawk!Statler: Wanna bet?
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981
Announcer: And now Pigs in Space. Starring the ever handsome Link Hogwash, the illustrious first mate Miss Piggy, and the scientist Dr Jullius Strangepork. Our story begins when...
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 strange
Waldorf: [after the song Happy Feet] You know, on the show that wasnt funny.Statler: True, true.Waldorf: But on a record, it doesnt even make sense!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 funny
Waldorf: [after the ending theme plays] Uh, Statler?Statler: Yeah, what?Waldorf: Is that it?Statler: Yes, its over. Howd you like it?Waldorf: Uh, I dont know. I slept through the whole thing.Statler: Well, you didnt miss much!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Statler: I wouldnt have believed it if I hadnt watched it.Waldorf: Believe what?Statler: I dont know - I wasnt watching.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 believe
Statler: Well the show tonight certainly didnt lay an egg.Chickens: Bawk!Waldorf: Wanna bet?
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 night
Waldorf: I cant believe those rats were responsible for this show.Statler: Those rats were also responsible for the bubonic plague. Dohohohoh!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 believe
Rita Moreno: Kermit I was wondering if we could just forget the cue cards and just ad lib it.Kermit the Frog: Ad lib it? Yes I dont mind doing that but there are others who may take offense.Rita Moreno: Like who?Kermit the Frog: Like the guy who holds the cue cards.Sweetums: Nice lady not want Sweetums to hold cue cards?Rita Moreno: Uh no.Sweetums: Nice lady want Sweetums to hold something else?Rita Moreno: Sure you can hold anything you want.Sweetums: Great! That best offer Sweetums have all week.[Sweetums picks up Rita like a football and walks off with her while Kermit shrieks]Kermit the Frog: Thats the problem with guests on this show. They seem to get carried away.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 mind
Fozzie: I dont got rhythm.Rowlf: Thats for sure.Fozzie: I dont got rhythm.Rowlf: Who can ask for anything more?Statler: We could!Waldorf: Yeah! Earplugs!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981
Kermit: And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here?
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 man
Robot Kermit: Hey, listen you, how about you and me getting together and makin some ste-e-e-am heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Aaah, a marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We can have bouncing baby figs.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 marriage
Beauregard: Kermit! Kermit! I had a dream and it was so real! I... what does it mean when you dream people are walking on your head?Kermit: It means youre sleeping on the floor!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 people
Kermit: [the phone rings] Fozzie, will you get that?Fozzie: [Runs up and answers it] Hello. Muppet Show backstage.[Water squirts out of the mike on the phone]Kermit: Who was that?Fozzie: The water department.[Hangs up and walks away]Kermit: [Towards the camera] What the hey?
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 war
Fozzie: [the phone rings] Ill get it![Picks up]Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.[Thick white smoke comes out of the phone]Kermit: Fozzie, who was that?Fozzie: [Coughing] The fire department.Kermit: [Towards the camera] I think this is whats called a running gag.[At that the Muppet Newsman runs by towards the stage]Fozzie: [Pointing at him] No, THATS whats called a running gag.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 war
Fozzie: [Phone rings] I got it![Answers]Fozzie: Muppet Show backstage.[an explosion with bright light comes through the phones mike]Kermit: [a little shaken] Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?Fozzie: The Atomic Energy Commission.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 time
Waldorf: [looking down from the balcony] He shouldnt have jumped. The show wasnt that bad.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 bad
Announcer: And now its time for Veterinarians Hospital, the continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon whos gone to the dogs.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 hope
Waldorf: You are my sunshine! My only sunshine.Statler: Why you old fool!Waldorf: What?Statler: Im not your son and my names not Shine.Waldorf: And he calls me an old fool?
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Fozzie: Lets all sing the rhyming song, the rhyming song, the rhyming song. Lets take turns and rhyme together... the rhyming song.Pig: I left my niece in your car.Fozzie: The rhyming song, the rhyming song.Pig: My laundrys ready at half-past nine.Fozzie: The rhyming song. Oh brother. Link?Link: The stars are twinkling in the sky.Fozzie: The rhyming song, the rhyming song.Link: Theres no hot water in my hotel.Fozzie: The rhyming song.
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 past
Waldorf: Pay up! They made it through another oneStatler: Double or nothing next weeks show?Waldorf: Youre on!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 you
Statler: You know I never liked this shows theme music.Waldorf: Niether did I.Kermit: You promised!
— The Muppet Show TV Series 1976–1981 music

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