The Santa Clause 1994

Sarah the Little Girl: Youre fatter this year.Santa: Thank you. Youve grown too. Now go back to sleep.[Drinks the milk and gags a little]Sarah the Little Girl: Whats wrong?Santa: I think the milks a little sour.Sarah the Little Girl: Its soy milk.Santa: Huh?Sarah the Little Girl: You said you were lactose intollerant.

— The Santa Clause 1994 sleep

Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age.Little Elf Judy: Thanks, but Im seeing someone in wrapping.

— The Santa Clause 1994 good

Dr. Neil Miller: [in a light-hearted psychiatry tone] Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liqour, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...[honestly]Scott Calvin: I read him a book!Dr. Neil Miller: What book?Scott Calvin: [sarcastically] Uh, Hollywood Wives.[Laura puts her hand into her face, giving off a resentful gesture]Scott Calvin: [honestly] The Night Before Christmas, folks, come on!

— The Santa Clause 1994 women

[flying away in the sleigh]Scott Calvin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, Im getting a CAT scan!

— The Santa Clause 1994 good

Neil: What about Santas reindeer? Have you even seen a reindeer fly?Charlie: Yes.Neil: Well, I havent.Charlie: Have you ever seen a million dollars?Neil: No.Charlie: Just because you cant see something, doesnt mean is doesnt exist.

— The Santa Clause 1994 you

Scott Calvin: [yelling out to his ex-wife in her car driving away from his house] It was a dream! Stuff like that doesnt happen! It was a dream! Come on! I dont even wear pajamas! Normally I sleep naked! BUCK naked! Ha![suddenly embarrassed, to a woman walking down his sidewalk]Scott Calvin: Good morning, Mrs. McCoy, Mary Katherine.Mrs. McCoy: Eyes front, Mary Katherine.Scott Calvin: Sometimes, boxer shorts. You know.

— The Santa Clause 1994 time

Scott: Hey, kid, kid... whos in charge here?Larry the Elf: You are, and Im not a kid, I have pointy SHOES that are older than you... Im an elf.

— The Santa Clause 1994 you

Scott Calvin: Raindeer up on the roof... Santa suit laying on the ground... Guy fell... not my fault... Raindeer on the roof... THAT is hard to explain...Charlie: Its the ladder.[Scott turns and bumps into the ladder]Scott Calvin: [referring to ladder] Where the hell this come from?

— The Santa Clause 1994 hell

Charlie: [after Santa has fallen off of the roof] Look, Dad, he disappeared.Scott Calvin: [looks around] Hes naked somewhere.

— The Santa Clause 1994 lie

Dr. Pete Novos: I dont know, Scott. Youre as healthy as a horse.Scott Calvin: Yeah! Clydesdale!Dr. Pete Novos: So what? You put on a little weight.Scott Calvin: Weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?Dr. Pete Novos: Weight can fluctuate from year to year.Dr. Pete Novos: Fluctuate? You make it sound like Im retaining water. Ive gained 45 pounds in a week. Pete, whats happening to me?Dr. Pete Novos: Well, whats your diet like?Scott Calvin: Milk and cookies.Dr. Pete Novos: Really?Scott Calvin: But I dont finish all the milk.Dr. Pete Novos: Well then there is your problem. Just try to cut back on the sweets, okay?

— The Santa Clause 1994 health

Little Elf Judy: [explaining her hot cocoa recipe] Not too hot. Extra chocolate. Shaken, not stirred.

— The Santa Clause 1994

Scott Calvin: Charlie, stay away from those things. Theyre reindeer, you dont know where theyve been. They all look like theyve got key lime disease.

— The Santa Clause 1994 you

Scott Calvin: Did I miss anything?Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.Scott Calvin: Great! Im starving.Susan Perry: Ill have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.Mr. Whittle: Ah, paste and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?Scott Calvin: And Ill have a Caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.[licks his lips in addiction to tons of sweets, and looks at some people looking weirdly at him]Scott Calvin: [taking where he left off] On the side.Waiter: Anything to drink?Scott Calvin: [sighs] Ice-cold milk.Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?Scott Calvin: A big bee.

— The Santa Clause 1994 war

Scott Calvin: Johnny, naughty. Gary, nice.[Sees a beautiful woman]Scott Calvin: Veronica, very nice.Veronica: In your dreams, sleigh boy.

— The Santa Clause 1994 dreams

E.L.F.S. Leader: Were your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.

— The Santa Clause 1994 attitude

Bernard: Ill ship the list to your house.Scott Calvin: What list?Bernard: You know, the list.[starts singing]Bernard: Hes making a list.Charlie: [singing loudly] Checkin it twice!Elves: Gonna find out whos naughty or nice!

— The Santa Clause 1994 art

Charlie: Get the bag of toys.Scott Calvin: And do what?Charlie: Go down the chimney.Scott Calvin: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?

— The Santa Clause 1994 strange

Charlie: It is Santa! You killed him!Scott: Did not! And thats not Santa!Charlie: Well, he was.

— The Santa Clause 1994 you

Sarah the Little Girl: Santa?Scott Calvin: Scott Calvin.Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome your clothes are so baggy?Scott Calvin: Because Santa is... watching his saturated fats.[gestures obesity]Sarah the Little Girl: Howcome you dont have a beard?Scott Calvin: Because I shaved![instantly reveals an unwrapped present for her, out of his bag]Scott Calvin: You want this doll or not? Go back to sleep.

— The Santa Clause 1994 sleep

Bernard: You know... the list.Bernard: [singing quietly] Hes making a list...Charlie: [singing loudly] Checking it twice!Elves: [singing loudly in unison] Hes gonna find out whos naughty or nice![Bernard groans; exasperated]

— The Santa Clause 1994 sin

Charlie: [to his father, Scott] Im fine, Dad. Think about those kids! Youre Santa! We were up in the North Pole!Scott Calvin: Charile... I dont know.Charlie: What do you mean you dont know?Dr. Neil Miller: Charlie... listen...Charlie: YOU listen! You think you know what he is... You *DONT*!Laura: Charlie... Youre confused.Charlie: I know exactly who he is.Dr. Neil Miller: [firmly] Charile... HE is NOT Santa!Charlie: [whining; desperate] HE IS TOO SANTA! We went up to the North Pole. I saw it! We met the Head Elf, Bernard. He knew everything![turns to Scott]Charlie: Right Dad?Scott Calvin: [Scott looks unsure]Charlie: [tossing him the snow globe Bernard gave him] REMEMBER!

— The Santa Clause 1994 sin

Det. Nunzio: [after Scott got arrested] Look, I know youre Scott Calvin. You know youre Scott Calvin. So lets make this simple: I say name, you say Scott Calvin.[gestures Scott to come close]Det. Nunzio: Name?Scott Calvin: Kris Kringle.Det. Nunzio: Name?Scott Calvin: Sinterklaas.Det. Nunzio: [annoyed] Name!Scott Calvin: Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel.[imitates Ed Sullivan]Scott Calvin: Topo Gigio!Det. Nunzio: Okay, Calvin, maybe a couple of hours in the tank will change your mind.

— The Santa Clause 1994 change

Little Elf Judy: Seeing isnt believing. Believing is seeing.

— The Santa Clause 1994 lie

Mr. Whittle: Good God, your weight! What happened?Scott Calvin: Bee sting. Evidently Im allergic. It almost killed me. But, the guy at the Emergency Room said that eventually the swelling will go down. I hope.

— The Santa Clause 1994 god

Mr. Whittle: I dont know whats happening to you. Youre starting to look like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

— The Santa Clause 1994 art

Scott Calvin: [he bag lifts him up] Hey, hey, HEY, wait, there is no chimminy here okay, no chimminy.Charlie: Lookin good Dad.Scott Calvin: [hovers over a thin pipe] You have got to be kidding me.

— The Santa Clause 1994 good

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