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Will Rogers

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
— Will Rogers life
See they conducted experiments on convicts ... I don't know on what grounds they reason a man in jail is a bigger liar than one out of jail ... The chances are telling the truth is what got him there ... It would be a big aid to humanity, but it will never be, for already the politicians are up in arms against it ... It would wreck the very foundation on which our political government is run ... If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics … Even the ministers are denouncing it now … Humanity is not yet ready for either real truth or real harmony.
— Will Rogers truth
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
— Will Rogers read
The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover didn’t know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night, anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow’s hands.”
— Will Rogers hope
You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
— Will Rogers body
Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
— Will Rogers live
I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I dident like. When you meet people, no matter what opinion you might have formed about them beforehand, why, after you meet them and see their angle and their personality, why, you can see a lot of good in all of them.
— Will Rogers people
We can make this thing into a Party, instead of a Memory.
— Will Rogers art
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
— Will Rogers war
I not only "don't choose to run" but I don't even want to leave a loophole in case I am drafted, so I won't "choose". I will say "won't run" no matter how bad the country will need a comedian by that time.
— Will Rogers time
A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.
— Will Rogers self
Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.
— Will Rogers money
This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.
— Will Rogers politics
And kid Congress and the Senate, don't scold 'em. They are just children thats never grown up. They don't like to be corrected in company. Don't send messages to 'em, send candy.
— Will Rogers children
I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
— Will Rogers war
You've got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.
— Will Rogers humor
We are the first nation to starve to death in a storehouse that's overfilled with everything we want.
— Will Rogers death
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
— Will Rogers war
We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poor house in an automobile.
— Will Rogers history
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U. S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators.
— Will Rogers lie
When you get into trouble 5,000 miles from home, you’ve got to have been looking for it.
— Will Rogers home
Sure must be a great consolation to the poor people who lost their stock in the late crash to know that it has fallen in the hands of Mr. Rockefeller, who will take care of it and see it has a good home and never be allowed to wander around unprotected again. There is one rule that works in every calamity. Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.
— Will Rogers war
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
— Will Rogers time
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
— Will Rogers business
We all can't be heroes, for someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
— Will Rogers hero
Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter — he's got to just know.
— Will Rogers world
This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.
— Will Rogers world
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.
— Will Rogers people
We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.
— Will Rogers life
This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.
— Will Rogers time
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
— Will Rogers education
We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.
— Will Rogers body
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
— Will Rogers humor
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
— Will Rogers country
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
— Will Rogers you
Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
— Will Rogers
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
— Will Rogers wit
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
— Will Rogers mind
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
— Will Rogers men
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
— Will Rogers war
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
— Will Rogers art
The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.
— Will Rogers people
Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.
— Will Rogers men
When the Judgment Day comes civilization will have an alibi, "I never took a human life, I only sold the fellow the gun to take it with."
— Will Rogers life
No party is as bad as its state and national leaders.
— Will Rogers art
You've never in your life seen a picture, I bet any one of you, never seen a picture of one of these old Pilgrims praying when they didn't have a gun right by the side of them. That was to see that he got what he was praying for.
— Will Rogers life
That's one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says "Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can."
— Will Rogers you
I tell you Folks, all Politics is Apple Sauce.
— Will Rogers you
A man that don't love a Horse, there is something the matter with him. If he has no sympathy for the man that does love Horses, then there is something worse the matter with him.
— Will Rogers love
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.
— Will Rogers art
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr.
— Will Rogers art
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.
— Will Rogers funny
I have no Politics. I am for the Party that is out of Power, no matter which one it is. But I will give you my word that, in case of my appointment, I will not be a Republican; I will do my best to pull with you, and not embarrass you. In fact, my views on European affairs are so in accord with you, Mr. President, that I might almost be suspected of being a Democrat.
— Will Rogers art
The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.
— Will Rogers people
Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth. ... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.
— Will Rogers truth
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
— Will Rogers true
The thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.
— Will Rogers funny
So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, "I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record." Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing. Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I'm an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.
— Will Rogers funny
I am not a member of any organized party — I am a Democrat.
— Will Rogers art
There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don't even have to exaggerate.
— Will Rogers work
There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.
— Will Rogers education
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
— Will Rogers work
You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
— Will Rogers war
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do — well, that’s Memoirs.
— Will Rogers good
Written by Paula McSpadden Love, a niece of Will Rogers's and curator of the Will Rogers Memorial in Claremore, Oklahoma.
— Will Rogers love
Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.
— Will Rogers money
When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: "I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like." I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.
— Will Rogers time
I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I've every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can't confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on.
— Will Rogers war
"The Manly Wisdom of Will Rogers", in
— Will Rogers wisdom
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
— Will Rogers good
Always drink upstream from the herd.
— Will Rogers
There are three kinds of men: The ones that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
— Will Rogers reading
Letting the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
— Will Rogers cat
Dont let yesterday take up too much of today.
— Will Rogers day
Even if youre on the right track, youll get run over if you just sit there.
— Will Rogers you
Everything is funny, as long as its happening to somebody else.
— Will Rogers funny
Every body is ignorant, only on different subjects.
— Will Rogers body
I dont make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers men

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