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Woody Allen (Film Director)

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen ya
Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
Woody Allen universe
Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!
Woody Allen life
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
Woody Allen people
Allen: That's quite a lovely , isn't it?Woman: Yes, it is.Allen: What does it say to you?Woman: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless, bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos.Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?Woman: Committing suicide.Allen: What about Friday night?
Woody Allen love
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen sex
Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen sex
There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.
Woody Allen time
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen death
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen love
It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.
Woody Allen self
Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.
Woody Allen love
I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.
Woody Allen life
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.
Woody Allen people
[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.
Woody Allen universe
Change is death.
Woody Allen death
I can't listen to that much . I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen art
Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.
Woody Allen words
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen art
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen believe
We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don't remember exactly. I think it's the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that's where it's from.
Woody Allen art
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.
Woody Allen joy
As a filmmaker, I'm not interested in[...] it's too small, history overwhelms it. The history of the world is like: He kills me, I kill him, only with different cosmetics and different castings. So in 2001, some fanatics killed some Americans, and now some Americans are killing some Iraqis. And in my childhood, some Nazis killed Jews. And now, some Jewish people and some Palestinians are killing each other. Political questions, if you go back thousands of years, are ephemeral, not important. History is the same thing over and over again.
Woody Allen history
I made the statement years ago which is often quoted that 80 percent of life is showing up. People used to always say to me that they wanted to write a play, they wanted to write a movie, they wanted to write a novel, and the couple of people that did it were 80 percent of the way to having something happen. All the other people struck out without ever getting that pack. They couldn’t do it, that’s why they don’t accomplish a thing, they don’t do the thing, so once you do it, if you actually write your film script, or write your novel, you are more than half way towards something good happening. So that I was say my biggest life lesson that has worked. All others have failed me.
Woody Allen life
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
Woody Allen religion
This is my perspective and has always been my perspective on life: I have a very grim, pessimistic view of it. I always have, since I was a little boy. It hasn’t gotten worse with age or anything. I do feel that it’s a grim, painful, nightmarish, meaningless experience, and that the only way that you can be happy is if you tell yourself some lies and deceive yourself.
Woody Allen life
My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it, All I can do is wait for it,
Woody Allen death
The film studios learned to our dismay but to their pleasure that if they spent $200 million making a film they could make half a billion on it. So they were not interested anymore in quality films… They can’t afford to be that risky at those prices. Consequently you’re getting a lot of remakes, sequels, dopey comedies full of toilet jokes…
Woody Allen you
I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen life
It is impossible to experience one's own death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen death
Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.
Woody Allen you
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen end
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics! When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
Woody Allen politics
My brain: it's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen rain
Oh, he was probably a member of the . It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
Woody Allen zen
I'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.
Woody Allen hero
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.
Woody Allen life
To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.
Woody Allen love
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love, to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy, therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness — I hope you're getting this down.
Woody Allen love
Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.
Woody Allen philosophy
The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody Allen evil
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen dream
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen poet
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen reason
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife — a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Woody Allen life
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.
Woody Allen people
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen food
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen illusion
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen god
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen want
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen sleep
Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired manywith his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better,or ?" "Abraham," the Zaddik said. "But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the disciple. "All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.
Woody Allen humor
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen travel
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen art
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen wisdom
Woody Allen as Socrates...
Woody Allen
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was . Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.
Woody Allen war
Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty. Each is interchangeable, but are aspects of themselves. Er, what specifically did they say they had in mind for me?
Woody Allen truth
Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.
Woody Allen live
Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep.Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.
Woody Allen death
Taste my tuna casserole — tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
Woody Allen
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
Woody Allen men
I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.
Woody Allen
I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know ? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen art
[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.
Woody Allen body
...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!
Woody Allen insanity
Harry: Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
Woody Allen
Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."
Woody Allen love
Cookie: What are you sad about?Harry: I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.Cookie: What do you mean?Harry: I'm frightened. I got no soul, you know what I mean? Let me put it this way: when I was younger it was less scarythan it is .Cookie: You lost me!Harry: You know that the universe is coming apart? You know about that? You know what a black hole is?Cookie: Yeah. That's how I make my living.
Woody Allen art
Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened?Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.
Woody Allen you
Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
Woody Allen people
Harry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
Woody Allen man
Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.
Woody Allen self
Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!
Woody Allen sarcasm
Harry: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
Woody Allen truth
A CD compilation of Allen comedy routines from 1964-1968
Woody Allen comedy
A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
Woody Allen life
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Woody Allen people
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."
Woody Allen good
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen sin
I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
Woody Allen self
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen soul
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen wife
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Woody Allen art
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen action
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter?
Woody Allen time
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.
Woody Allen time
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
Woody Allen work
With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.
Woody Allen possible
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
Woody Allen
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.
Woody Allen wit
As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.
Woody Allen
I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.
Woody Allen man
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is .
Woody Allen self
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
Woody Allen time
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen love
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody Allen happy
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen loneliness
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen success
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen you

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