Woody Allen (Film Director)
#3681 Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
#3683 Woody Allen
Rabbi Raditz of Poland was a very short rabbi with a long beard, who was said to have inspired manywith his sense of humor. One of his disciples asked, "Who did God like better,or ?" "Abraham," the Zaddik said. "But Moses led the Israelites to the Promised Land," said the disciple. "All right, so Moses," the Zaddik answered.
#3684 Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
#3685 Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
#3686 Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
#3688 Woody Allen
Of all the famous men who ever lived, the one I would most like to have been was . Not just because he was a great thinker, because I have been known to have some reasonably profound insights myself, although mine invariably revolve around a Swedish airline stewardess and some handcuffs.
#3689 Woody Allen
Death is a state of non-being. That which is not, does not exist. Therefore death does not exist. Only truth exists. Truth and beauty. Each is interchangeable, but are aspects of themselves. Er, what specifically did they say they had in mind for me?
#3690 Woody Allen
Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.
#3691 Woody Allen
Agathon: But all that talk about death being the same as sleep.Socrates: Yes, the difference is that when you're dead and somebody yells, "Everybody up, it's morning," it's very hard to find your slippers.
#3693 Woody Allen
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
#3695 Woody Allen
I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know ? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.
#3696 Woody Allen
[about his daughter] I'd rather she grew up here than grew up as an orphan, you know I can tolerate anybody's orphans but my own.
#3698 Woody Allen
Harry: Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
#3700 Woody Allen
Harry: The most beautiful words in the English language aren't "I love you" but "it's benign."
#3702 Woody Allen
Cookie: What are you sad about?Harry: I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.Cookie: What do you mean?Harry: I'm frightened. I got no soul, you know what I mean? Let me put it this way: when I was younger it was less scarythan it is .Cookie: You lost me!Harry: You know that the universe is coming apart? You know about that? You know what a black hole is?Cookie: Yeah. That's how I make my living.
#3703 Woody Allen
Burt: Do you care even about the Holocaust or do you think it never happened?Harry: Not only do I know that we lost six million, but the scary thing is that records are made to be broken.
#3704 Woody Allen
Harry: No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.
#3706 Woody Allen
Harry: (On being called a self-hating Jew) Hey, I may hate myself, but not because I'm Jewish.
#3707 Woody Allen
Doris: You have no values. With you it's all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.Harry: Hey, in France I could run for office with that slogan, and win!
#3709 Woody Allen
Harry: All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
#3710 Woody Allen
A CD compilation of Allen comedy routines from 1964-1968
#3711 Woody Allen
A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
#3712 Woody Allen
I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
#3713 Woody Allen
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said "no."
#3714 Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
#3715 Woody Allen
I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.
#3716 Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
#3718 Woody Allen
I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
#3719 Woody Allen
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
#3720 Woody Allen
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter?
#3721 Woody Allen
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimeter? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theater how hard it would be to find.
#3722 Woody Allen
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
#3723 Woody Allen
With that, he scribbled in an additional ninety thousand dollars on the estimate, which had waxed to the girth of the Talmud while rivaling it in possible interpretations.
#3724 Woody Allen
I have also reviewed my own financial obligations, which have puffed up recently like a hammered thumb.
#3725 Woody Allen
She quarreled with the nanny and accused her of brushing Misha's teeth sideways rather than up and down.
#3726 Woody Allen
As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.
#3727 Woody Allen
I was supremely confident my flair for atmosphere and characterization would sparkle alongside the numbing mulch ground out by studio hacks. Certainly the space atop my mantel might be better festooned by a gold statuette than by the plastic dipping bird that now bobbed there ad infinitum.
#3728 Woody Allen
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is .
#3729 Woody Allen
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat — especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
#50736 Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
#50737 Woody Allen
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
#50738 Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
#50740 Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
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