Youre the Worst

Jimmy: Okay, first of all, Wind is what you retained from Jennifer Greys career? And no, shes not the villain either.

Jimmy: Edgar, I think I know a little something about Campbellian storytelling. Ferris is the hero, Jennifer Grey is the foil, Principal Rooney is the fool, Sloane is the sidekick, Camerons the villain.

— Youre the Worst story

Jimmy: Ferris just wants to show Cameron a fun day for once in his pathetic little life, but Cameron acts like a whiny knob the whole time, subverting every attempt at fun with his passive-aggressive anxiety and relentless nay-saying, essentially ruining what might be Ferriss last day of freedom by being a miserable, agoraphobic, cockblocking enemy of fun!

— Youre the Worst life

Edgar: Camerons sick, he doesnt even want to go out, but Ferris guilts him into it andand makes him steal his fathers luxury automobile.

— Youre the Worst guilt

Gretchen: Day drinking is the best! Arent we lucky were both in professions where we can day drink?

— Youre the Worst drinking

Gretchen: Relax? Says the guy so riddled with anxiety, he cant sleep through the night without screaming!

— Youre the Worst sleep

Edgar: Yes, well, uh, we all know that Im taking the prescribed steps to overcome the very common issues caused by combat situations.

— Youre the Worst

Gretchen: Ugh! We know. You were in a war. Get over it! And while youre at it, get over Lindsay. Have enough self-respect not to focus on someone whos still clearly obsessed with her lame, soft ex-husband.

— Youre the Worst war

Lindsay: This is really hard for me. Oh. Waah. My husband left me for a female him, and now I cant function in life. Waah!

— Youre the Worst life

Gretchen: Improv is the lowest form of comedy. That whole school of yours is just a bunch of actors so janky-looking, no one will write lines for them, so you have to make them up yourself.

— Youre the Worst self

Gretchen: Youre what this town calls a tweener. Youre not hot enough to be the lead, and not fat enough to be the funny friend.

— Youre the Worst funny

Gretchen: No, seriously, Jimmy, I feel such empathy for you, being a writer. I mean, everyone feels sorry for kids forced to work in the diamond mines in Sierra Leone, but where is the telethon for the noble writer? Bravely drinking coffee, spilling his blood to get his feelings out, filling two, maybe three whole pages before his heroic effort is cut short by the desire to watch Internet porn or get a snack! All of you! Sucking the air out of the room with your self-pity-riddled non-problems! Except you, Vernon. You got real issues. Youre married to Becca.

— Youre the Worst work

Paul: Love isnt about having someone to get you things. Love is putting someone elses feelings above your own. Do you think you could ever do that? Honestly?

— Youre the Worst love

Gretchen: Everything! I just moved in with my boyfriend and I dont have any stuff except for a food processor and, like, nineteen thongs, because even though at first we were like, I am not wearing that, the patriarchy somehow convinced us that visible panty lines were unacceptable, so now Ive just grown accustomed to the feeling of a fabric rope against my actual asshole all day. And anyway, even if I did buy the stuff of a life, theres nowhere for me to put it because Im not sure this dude really wanted me to move in because Im an irresponsible monster who burned down her apartment with her vibrator!

— Youre the Worst life

Jimmy: Its just like I told Gretchen. Friends are for babies. And just because I fell in feces and all the kids called me Shitty Jimmy, and I was the smartest kid in my class, that has nothing to do with why I dont need friends.

— Youre the Worst art

Jimmy: No, I dont think it is. See, you just described an improvised comedy scene to me. Thats worse than telling someone about a dream that doesnt feature them sexually. I mean, youve had some awful, awful hobbies, but this is by far the worst. And Im including heroin and not knowing things are a school.

— Youre the Worst sex

Gretchen: You know, after I cleaned the fries off your face and put you to bed, you said something to me that was pretty dark.

— Youre the Worst dark

Lilly: Oh, I was going to go, but they pointed out that university is just a place that wankers go to study poetry and fist themselves.

— Youre the Worst poetry

Lilly: Was it hard to write a book, Jimmy? Im so proud of you. I always tell the other girls at Fancy Dames about my famous brother in America.

— Youre the Worst book

Becca: Well, I better get back to it. Oh, creating a human life. I got to tell you, it is so fulfilling. But making a grammatical nightmare of a song with Gretchens psychopath client, thats a really big deal, you know, for you.

— Youre the Worst life

Lindsay: Oh, hey. Tomorrow Im eating runny cheese and going on an inverted roller coaster. Want to come?

— Youre the Worst want

Lindsay: Oh, sorry, I forgot. You cant ever do anything fun because youre ruining your body with some ginger-headed parasite.

— Youre the Worst body

Becca: Whatever. In five months, I will be on a Disney cruise with my family, while youre at divorce court, looking back on the time someone took pity on you and let you sing on their stupid song.

— Youre the Worst time

Jimmy: Last night, a certifiable fox hit on me, and I did not respond. I masturbated furiously afterwards, but only after Id rejected her.

— Youre the Worst war

Gretchen: You need to stop. Its like you have amnesia. Every day, you think things are gonna be different, and Ill just be happy. Well, maybe you can understand this. I feel nothing. About anything. Dogs, candy, old Blondie records, nachos, you, us, nothing. So for the last time, please go.

— Youre the Worst time

Gretchen: Im scraped out. Im that car we sent to Mars, flipped upside down so the sun cant reach my solar panels. Ive always been able to flip myself back over eventually butI ran out of times. This is how I am now. And its not okay with you. Nor should it be.

— Youre the Worst time

Jimmy: Okay. WellI suppose its good that this happened now, instead of like ten years down the line.

— Youre the Worst good

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