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Billy Connolly (Actor)

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

— Billy Connolly thinking

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

— Billy Connolly wit

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

— Billy Connolly people

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

— Billy Connolly trust

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

— Billy Connolly age

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

— Billy Connolly sea

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

— Billy Connolly life

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

— Billy Connolly you

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

— Billy Connolly war

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

— Billy Connolly art

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

— Billy Connolly god

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

— Billy Connolly learn

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

— Billy Connolly war

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

— Billy Connolly jesus

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

— Billy Connolly imagination

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

— Billy Connolly you

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

— Billy Connolly mother

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

— Billy Connolly work

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

— Billy Connolly people

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

— Billy Connolly people

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

— Billy Connolly work

As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.

— Billy Connolly success

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

— Billy Connolly art

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

— Billy Connolly love

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

— Billy Connolly men

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